Kiss Me or Not
by FallingForFootie
Summary: James leans down and places his mouth near my ear. My breath hitches, I can feel his breath tickle my neck and the stubble on his cheek graze my own. The familiar lurch in my stomach happens again. "You know, Lily, if I was your boyfriend I'd never stop kissing you." He pulls away and winks at me before sauntering away after Hestia. COMPLETE!
1. Preface

**Preface:**

I'm walking down the corridor on the way to Charms, James Potter by my side. Now, normally this would be a shocking occurrence, but as it happened, it's begun to occur quite frequently. There were still a few third and fourth years gawking about, but _honestly_, they should've been used to it by now.

It wasn't news that James Potter used to be undesirable number one to me for years. What with the constant proposals to Hogsmeade, I'm surprised he was even able to come up with new ways of asking me out every week. It wasn't until the beginning of this year—sixth year—that everything changed. I mean, he seemed to have really given up on his preadolescent affections for me and the lack of absurdity of thinking that I would _ever_ agree to go on a proper date with him was enough to forgive his slight prat-like tendencies. He still joked about getting together on occasion, but nothing serious enough for me to consider him mad.

Perhaps something I'd yelled at him at the end of fifth year must've gotten past his think skull. Or maybe he was just finally over the rejection. Whatever it was, I'm happy it happened. James Potter, it would seem, was a pretty decent bloke.

So as it stood, James Potter and I had become friends thus making it perfectly reasonable for us to be walking to Charms together. We walk at an amicable distance apart from each other, not too close for comfort but close enough to show we were friendly.

"That fifth year was _totally_ flirting with you." I tease James as we walk up the stairs to the Charms corridor.

"Was not," He blushes and sweeps a hand through his messy black hair.

"She was pretty." I push.

"I suppose," he answers with a grin. I know he should ask her out but for some reason he always refuses. The fifth year in question is Daisy Collins, a cute Hufflepuff who always turns jelloid whenever she is in James' presence.

I shove his shoulder playfully. "Berk,"

He grins wider and makes to grab me around the middle when a voice yells my name:

"Oi, Lily!" a thickly accented voice calls.

We turn around to see a fellow sixth year, Hamish Finlay, running towards us. His blue and bronze striped tie is flying over his shoulder in his haste.

"Finlay," James nods when the Ravenclaw boy stops in front of us.

"Potter," Hamish nods back. He turns to me with a bright grin on his face. "Hey, Lily."

"Hi, Hamish. What's going on?" I ask politely.

Hamish blushes and pulls on his fringe nervously. "Well, I was wondering if you'd like to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend."

I feel James stiffen beside me and turn his head away as if to give us some privacy. I appreciate it because I'm not sure what to say. I look up at Hamish with objective eyes and see a cute boy with a good length of dirty blonde hair and aqua green eyes. He has an easy—yet sheepish—smile that shows off a tiny dimple on his left cheek. He is tall and built like a beater, even though he isn't on the Ravenclaw Quiddtich team. There is absolutely nothing about him that would make me want to say no.

And yet, I do want to. The only other person who has ever asked me out until that point is the boy standing next to me trying to make himself scarce. I mentally shake my head and slap myself for being so silly. Hamish isn't the arrogant prick James had been, he's sweet and nice and handsome and everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend. Force of habit is the only thing standing in my way.

I brake out into a smile and tuck a piece of my flaming red hair behind my ear.

"I'd love to go to Hogsmeade with you," I answer shyly.

"Really?" Hamish and James ask at the same time.

I shoot an annoyed look at Potter before training my eyes back to Hamish. "Really," I answer firmly.

"Great, well then I'll meet you by the doors on Saturday. 10, alright?" he ask.

"Yes, that's fine."

"Great, great." Hamish answers with a smile and a quick flick of his fringe. "See ya then, Lass."

Hamish runs off to whatever class he has next leaving me alone with James. As soon as Hamish is out of sight, he turns around and starts walking towards our class with a quicker step than before. I hurry to catch up with him.

"James, slow down!" I whine, catching up to him.

"Thanks to you and your _friend_ we're going to be late for class." He responds tersely.

I snort. "Like you ever cared about being late to class before."

I hear a chuckle from our right and see Severus Snape, my ex childhood best friend. At the end of fifth year—and the reason James and I had our big fight—he called me an unforgivable name. We both glare at him.

"What are _you_ staring at Snivillus?" I snap, using James' mean nickname for him.

Snape ignores me and turns away towards the dungeons. I stare after him with cold eyes. The git isn't worth my time.

James doesn't say anything, which surprises me because he _never_ misses an opportunity to insult our common enemy, and neither does he for the rest of class. As soon as the bell rings, however, James is right back to being his usual, pleasantly goofy self. We go to lunch together and sit with our friends, hardly an ill thought between us.

James has finally grown up.

And I have a boyfriend.

* * *

**A/N: **_The preface for__ my new story! Please __review and let me know if you're interested in reading more. Chapter one should be up within the week. Ta!_

_-FallingForFootie._


	2. Kiss me like you mean it

**Chapter One: Kiss me like you mean it**

The train whistle blows indicating the final call for the Hogwarts Express. I ignore the sound, already safely on board and sitting in the Heads compartment at the front of the train. I'm waiting patiently for James Potter, the Head Boy to my Head Girl, to meet me so we can go through our duties for the start of the year.

If this were September of last year I would've been completely shattered by the news of James becoming Head Boy. But as it was _this_ year, I am thrilled.

James Potter has grown up immensely since the toerag he used to be. He is neither the bleeding wazzak who asked me out twelve times a minute nor is he the immature prankster who made my life as a prefect living hell. He is smart, respectful, and responsible. Everything a Head Boy should be.

Okay, so he's still a prankster. But a leopard can't be expected to change _all_ their spots.

James slides the compartment door open, his shiny Head Boy's badge gleaming next to his Quidditch Captain badge and the Gryffindor crest. I smile and stand up to greet him.

"Hullo, love." James grins cheekily. "Missed me?"

"Oh so much," I tease stepping into his open arms. He holds me close but lets me go before it gets uncomfortable.

"Yeah, I knew it. I see you couldn't wait to get me in this compartment alone." He laughs, his eyes dancing with mischief.

I roll my eyes. "Where are the other dingbats, or are you flying solo today?" I ask, referring to James' band of friends, otherwise known as the Marauders.

James ruffles his hair and sits down in the seat opposite me. "I dunno, I came straight here."

I tsk knowingly. "Late for the train, Potter?"

James grins. "We can't all be as punctual as you are, Lady Evans."

I beam happily and set about shuffling papers with schedules on them. "We should probably get started, then. The prefect meeting will be starting shortly."

James and I set to work coordinating patrol schedules and planning Hogsmeade weekends. We are careful to beware of conflicts involving Quidditch or the full moon. I can't help but shake my head when James mentions Remus Lupin's, the most tolerable of the Marauders, _Furry Little Problem_. I both fear James' disregard for personal safety and admire it at the same time.

During the Prefect meeting James and I stand in alliance as we dole out the responsibilities for the year. Much to the dismay of many of the Prefects, patrol hours have to be lengthened in order to accommodate all of James' extra-extracurricular activities.

"Why doesn't Potter have to do as many patrols?" Erik Lunsford asks indignantly.

"Because I'm Head Boy and I say so, that's why." James retorts swiftly.

I place a firm hand on James' arm and smile at the sixth year Hufflepuff. "We know it's a lot of late nights, but I don't doubt that you're more than capable of handling it." I tell him kindly.

Lunsford smiles smugly to himself and braces back in his seat.

"Bloody berk." James seethes once the Prefects have all filed out of the compartment. "Who'd he think he was demanding to know why I didn't have to do patrols? Did he not notice the fact that not only do I have Head duties but I'm also in seventh year _and_ Quiddtich captain?"

I take him by the hand and pull him down to sit beside me. "Just relax, Potter. Lunsford is a tosser, you and I know that. Don't let him get to you." I advise him soothingly.

James nods and turns to grin at me. "I forgot one more of my duties I have to perform this year."

"Oh, and what's that?" I ask with my eyebrows creased. There isn't anything else I can think of that James Potter has to do.

"Be a prank-pulling genius, of course!" He exclaims mightily.

I shake my head and laugh. Of course I know it will be us who'll have to clean up the mess he would inevitably make, but since we've moved on from complete hatred and annoyance I'm able to see the humour in many of his jokes and appreciate them accordingly.

Suddenly the door slides open and in comes Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, all with wide smiles on their faces.

"Evans!" Sirius exclaims enveloping me in a hug.

"Nice to see you, too, Black." I concede with a laugh.

"Sorry, Lily, I had to go get them. This _is_ the largest compartment on the train." Remus apologises.

I understand what he means as James and Sirius collide in an obnoxious brotherly hug as if they haven't spent the entire summer holiday together.

"Where's Hestia?" I wonder aloud peering behind the four boys carrying on enthusiastically.

"She'll be along." Sirius says, his hand fluttering around the back of his head not unlike his best mate does when he's nervous. Ever since the handsome troublemaker started dating my best friend last year (mostly, but not entirely the reason I agreed to become friends with the Marauders) he's begun to revert to a normal human being once his significant other is mentioned.

"Well where is she?" I demand lightly. "I haven't seen her in ages."

The door slides open then, revealing a beautiful witch with golden coloured curls that falls gracefully down her back and soft baby blue eyes. She wears a grin so wide it stretches almost literally from ear to ear as she rushes forward into my arms.

Hestia Jones has arrived. Finally, I would add.

"I've missed you _so_ much!" We chant wildly clutching each other for dear life.

"You have no idea how much there is to tell you." Hestia sighs. She flounces to Sirius' side and kisses him on the cheek in greeting before turning to the other boys. I watch in amusement as Sirius practically melts on the compartment floor.

James sits down beside me as I leaned forward to giggle with Hestia about our separate summers. He hangs a loose arm around the back of my seat and lounges against the window lazily.

"So where's Hamish?" Hestia asks finally after detailing her visit to Greece.

"He's with his friends right now. I'll see him at the feast." I tell her blushingly.

Hamish Finlay, a handsome Scottish bloke in our year, and I have been going steady since he asked me out almost seven months ago. Still every time someone mentions his name a clear blush would rise to my cheeks and I would have to remind myself that he's my _boyfriend_.

"Have you at least seen him since last year?" Hestia asks excitedly.

I shrug. "We owl a lot and we went to Diagon Ally for school stuff."

Hestia rolls her eyes and sighs. "Lily, your relationship is _so boring_. Look at Sirius and me—" she says, glancing at her boyfriend who's deep in a conversation with Remus and Peter—planning a prank, no doubt. "I mean, we always find a way to make things interesting between us. Owling is romantic and all, but it in the end, it's really just post."

"What are you saying?" I ask feeling sort of offended. Hamish and I have a perfectly respectful relationship.

"Respectful?" Hestia mocks when I tell her. "Lily, work with me here. If they best way you can describe your relationship as is _respectful_ then we have a problem."

"Hestia," I tell her warningly. It's become increasingly more uncomfortable the more she talks about how _boring_ she thought my love life is. I don't want to discuss such personal matters with James and his mates sitting next to me. "We'll talk about this later." I state firmly.

Hestia rolls her eyes but thankfully complies. "So how's Tuney?"

My stomach churns at the thought of my older sister—who refused to see me off at the train _again_. All summer Petunia avoided me by going out with her thick waisted (and thick skulled, for that matter) boyfriend. I roll my eyes at the thought of her petty jealousy once again. You'd think that after seven years of holding this ridiculous grudge, she'd grow a little bit weary. But no, she was still going strong.

"She's a bint." I state, feeling no shame at calling my own sister such a filthy name.

"Ouch, I'm guessing something happened this summer." Hestia flinches.

Something happened indeed this summer. Tears spring to my eyes as I think about the gutting betrayal I felt at my sister's actions and words. I feel so cut up and raw just thinking about what a low life my sister had turned out to be. No remorse and no shame to be had.

"She's getting married." I state softly, my eyes downcast and resting on James' slack covered knee.

"But that's wonderful!" Hestia cries. "Now she and that whale will finally get to be on their own. You won't have to live with them anymore."

I shake my head. "I'm not invited to the wedding, Hest. She told mum that if I showed up I would be escorted off the property and _arrested_. She hates me that much!" I sigh, a tear or two dribbling from my eyes. I swipe at my face hastily and sniff.

"Oh, Lily." Hestia coos softly. "You know your mum won't let her do that."

"Oh yes she will. My mum told me I had to respect her wishes and not make a scene. I swear, nobody wants me." I say, another tear falling freely.

James' arm slips from its perch from my seat back and settles pleasantly around my shoulders. I look at him and see that he is still very much asleep. I have to admit, the timing of it is impeccable and the warmth of being in his arms does wonders to soothe my breaking heart. I leave his arm where it is and even lean into it slightly.

"Lily Evans, don't ever say that again!" Hestia scolds. "You and I both know that that isn't true. Hamish wants you, he loves you. I love you too, as well as everyone else in this compartment. Right Sirius?" She taps her boyfriend on his knee

"Hm?" Sirius asks, still in conversation with his mates.

"Just agree with me."

"Yes, dear."

Hestia chuckles and taps his face lovingly. "There, see, we all love you and want the best for you. Petunia be damned. That bloody wench doesn't know what she's missing." She declares.

I smile weakly at my best friend and nod once. I know my friends love me, and I know Hamish loves me, too. Still, there's something nagging in the pit of my stomach that makes me very uncomfortable, especially when I'm in the arms of another bloke. I take James' limp arm and place it carefully in his lap so as not to wake him. I appreciated the warmth, but it isn't his that I need.

O.o

"James, I think we should be getting ready to go." I say, placing a hand on his knee.

Sometime ago James had fallen asleep with his head against the window and his mouth lolling open. I chuckle as he checks for drool. He looks around and takes in the darkened sky and empty compartment save for him and me.

"Where is everyone?" he asks.

"They went to get changed about half an hour ago. You're a very deep sleeper, James." I giggle. "And you snore."

"I do not!" James argues, but of course, he has no way of actually knowing.

"Well don't just sit there, Mister Head Boy, go find your robes."

We'd opted for changing before the prefects meeting so that we could simply slip on our robes and be ready to usher lost first years in the right direction. I look at James' wrinkled shirt and lopsided tie.

"Nothing we can do now." I murmur about his shirt, stepping in front of him and readjusting his tie.

"I can think of something, but I can't promise it involves a shirt." James smirks. I swat him lightly on the arm and turn away to find my robes a blush on my cheeks. Even though I know he's joking, I can't help the familiar lurch in my stomach every time he makes a pass at me.

After what seemed like forever aiding confused first years, we were finally allowed to board the last carriage up to Hogwarts. We sit in the dark alone facing each other.

"I've always wondered what enchantment they used on the carriages." I start the conversation easily. "It's my last year; I think I have a right to know."

James shakes his head. "The carriages aren't enchanted, they're pulled by Thestrals."

"What?" I ask confusedly. I'd chosen not to take Care of Magical Creatures because of my complete fear of animals, especially large dangerous ones.

"They're kind of like horses, except much creepier. They're usually invisible and are thought to bring bad luck. I can see them." James tells me simply.

"Why are they bad luck and why can you see them and I can't?"

"A person can only see them when they've seen death." James whispers softly. A shiver runs up my spine at the thought.

"And you've seen death?" I whisper back. I'm not sure why we're using hushed tones, but I feel it necessary in this situation.

"My mum when I was fourteen." James admits sadly.

I think back to fourteen-year-old James and shutter at his relentlessly horrid behaviour. I reach out a hand and touch seventeen-year-old James' face softly. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

James leans into my touch. "Not many people did." He tells me with a trace of bitterness to his voice. He shakes his head and laughs humourlessly. "Gave me a right fright when I was able to see the buggers come September."

I don't laugh. I withdraw my hand and placed it carefully in my lap. I can see his glossy eyes despite the darkness and it damn near breaks my heart. I had no clue James lost his mum when we were in fourth year. I myself lost my dad just a year later to an accident. I was at Hogwarts when it happened and the letter devastated me to no end.

Petunia never lets me forget the fact that I wasn't there for the funeral.

"I hope you never have to see them," James says softly, brushing away a lose curl that had fallen in front of my face.

The carriage jerks to a stop before I can respond and the doors swing open with the momentum. Blue evening light washes over the carriage and I can see that James and I are sitting much closer to each other on the edges of our seats than I'd thought.

James clears his throat and hops out of the carriage. He offers me a hand down, which I take gratefully.

"There you two are!" Professor McGonagall sighs loudly upon seeing us. "I was beginning to think you two had been trapped on the train."

"Sorry Professor." James says, thoroughly surprising me with his lack of quip.

McGonagall seems flustered as well because she nods and turns away, never telling us why she was so keen to meet with us in the first place.

After the sorting ceremony, Dumbledore's speech and a delicious feast, James and I are finally allowed retire to our Heads' dormitory in the West Tower, discretely hidden beneath the Owlery.

"Finally!" James sighs, flopping tiredly onto the couch in front of the fireplace in the small common room.

"I'm sure all that napping on the train has made you tired." I tease.

"You're right, I'm completely wiped. I don't even think I can make it to my room."

I laugh and hear a loud knock on the door. Curious as to who would know about the location of the Heads' dormitory besides the professors, I walk to the door and peer through the peephole. I see five bodies standing around in a circle and then Sirius' face swims into view, his eye peering right back at me.

"Oi, open up ya minger!" Sirius yells. I can only assume he's talking to James because using that tone with me is highly unacceptable.

I open the door and Sirius flies in. "Hullo, Lily dear." He says, kissing the top of my head and then walking straight to where James is curled up on the couch.

I laugh after him and greet each of our other guests in turn. Finally, after Remus, Peter and Hestia have entered James and my small common room, Hamish enters looking as cute and proper as always.

"Hamish!" I exclaim, jumping into his arms.

"Hullo, Lass." He whispers using his adorable nickname for me. He clutches me in his arms and hugs me tightly to his chest before leaning down and kissing me.

On the cheek.

My smile falters a little before I pushed my indignation aside. I take his hand and lead him to where my friends have gathered around the fireplace. We sit in the love seat, his arm wrapped securely around my waist. I lean against his broad shoulder and tuck my face beneath his neck.

"I missed you so much." I whisper, pressing my nose to his skin.

Hamish clears his throat. "I missed you, too, Lass."

"Oi, can you two stop trying to eat each other for five bleeding seconds?" James chucks a pillow at Sirius and Hestia who, indeed, look like they're trying to eat each other.

Hestia and Sirius ignore him and continue while Remus and Peter chuckle into their hands. I roll my eyes and lean further into Hamish. I can't deny that I secretly want to be in Hestia's shoes right now. Not that I want to be the one making out with Sirius, but because I want Hamish to kiss me like that.

"Seriously, cut it out or fuck off my common room." James says again, more forcefully this time.

Sirius untangles himself partly from Hestia and glares at his best mate. "Godric, fine. What's stuck up your arse today?"

"Nothing." James mumbles turning away from him.

Hestia wipes her mouth and smiles. "This is a great dorm. It's a miracle you can't smell the owl crap."

"Not a miracle, magic." Sirius nudges her with his shoulder.

Now I'm starting to get sick of Hestia and Sirius' overly zealous displays of affection. If Hamish doesn't want to celebrate our reunion the way they are (and keep in mind they had a whole train ride together _and_ the feast) then I'm not about to sit here like a dolt. Clearly he isn't up for it with such an audience. That's fine; I'll just see him later, then.

"Right, well Hestia and I should be going." I say standing up and straightening my already straight robes.

"Going where?" Hestia asks brightly.

"To my room, I heard the dorms were amazing." I tell her grabbing her arm and pulling her up with me.

"I'll have to check mine out, too, then." James says standing up. "Come on, lads." Sirius, Remus, Peter and Hamish stand up, too. "You don't mind showing yourself out, do you mate?" James asks Hamish cheerfully.

"Yeah, I—uh," Hamish starts but instead of waiting for an answer, James starts to walk away. Sirius kisses Hestia quickly before he and the others follow James towards the stairs without a glance back.

I scowl at James' retreating figure. He's never been so rude to Hamish before. Perhaps he's just tired and cranky.

I take Hamish's hand and squeeze. "I'll see you tomorrow, then?" I ask.

"Yeah, of course."

I wait for Hamish to kiss me like Sirius did Hestia but I have to settle, once again, for a light peck on the cheek. Sighing, I turn around and book it to my room, Hestia in tow.

"This place is _wicked_!" Hestia cries, flinging herself onto my four-poster bed. "It's so spacious in here, you even have a desk!"

"Well there aren't any in the common room, so where else would we do our homework?" I ask offhandedly.

I'm still reeling at the fact that Hamish didn't kiss me goodnight. We haven't seen each other in ages. Okay, so we saw each other a couple weeks ago in Diagon Ally, but that was only for a couple of hours. Come to think of it, he didn't kiss me then either.

"Oh, Lily, you are so lucky to be Head Girl. I would love to have my own room instead of having to share with slaggy Candy and her double D bazoomers. Did you see her on the train; I swear to Merlin she used an _engorgio_ charm on them."

I chuckle mirthlessly. "I don't feel particularly lucky." I state factually.

"Why, what's the matter?" Hestia asks. She sits up straight on my bed and uses her want to magick my desk chair to slide up to the bed. I sit down tiredly.

"Promise you won't freak out?" I ask her. I haven't told anyone about Hamish and my problem. Well, more my problem really, Hamish seems perfectly at ease with it.

"I promise, cross my heart." She says solemnly. "Now, dish."

I heave a sigh and close my eyes tight. "Hamish hasn't kissed me yet."

When Hestia doesn't say anything, I open one eye curiously and see that she is staring at me with her mouth agape.

"Wh-what?" She asks clearly in awe.

"Hamish Finlay, my boyfriend, hasn't kissed me." I say again, slightly more embarrassed than the first time I admitted it.

"But I've seen him—"

"Kiss me on the cheek." I finish for her. "I'm talking about full-frontal snogging, Hest. And it hasn't happened yet."

"Galloping Godric Gryffindor, Lily. But hasn't it been, like, _seven months_?"

I cringe. "Give or take."

"But that's madness, _why_ wouldn't he have snogged you yet?"

"I bloody well don't know, do I? Every time I think it's going to happen he goes straight in for the cheek. At first I thought he was just waiting for the perfect romantic moment, but now I'm not so sure."

"Well yeah, seven months is a fucking ridiculous amount of time before you kiss your girlfriend. What's he waiting for, the turn of the century?"

"I don't know!" I cry getting up from my chair and flopping onto the bed beside my best mate. "I just really wish he would snog me already before I go mad."

"Well first we've got to figure out why he's not making a move, and then we can go on to how we can get him to kiss you." Hestia states diplomatically. But I don't want to be diplomatic I want to be snogged. Preferably by a handsome Scotsman who calls me Lass.

"Okay, how do we do that?" I ask eyebrows furrowed.

"That…is a very good question."

O.o

The next morning I wake up unsure of where I am. This doesn't _look_ like the usual dormitory I share with Hestia, Marlene McKinnon, Mary McDonald, Dorcas Meadows and Candice Gibbons. And then I remember I am Head Girl and this was my room which I shared with no one. I get dressed and traipse down the stairs where I see James already sitting in our common room.

"Took you long enough, you know breakfast's already started." James says looking significantly better than he did last night.

"You didn't have to wait for me, you know." I say shyly. I'm happy he did, though, it's sweet.

He shrugs. "What kind of Head Boy would I be if I left my Head Girl to walk down to breakfast alone? Come along, dear, we don't want to be late." He sticks out his arm for me and I laugh at his posh impression.

I take the crook of his elbow and we skip together down the spiral staircase to the base of the West Tower. I can't help but laugh at the silliness our friendship has caused us. Who knew I would one day be skipping down a hallway with James Potter?

Once we got to the Great Hall I see Hestia already there sitting beside Sirius, Remus and Peter. I keep hold of James' elbow and steer him straight for our friends.

"Good morning, friends!" James announces jovially. He claps Sirius on the back—hard by the looks of it, seeing as Sirius almost sprays poor Peter with bits of chewed egg.

"Someone's in a good mood." Remus comments amusedly.

"Well I didn't have to wake of up to _your_ minging faces first thing this morning, so yeah, I'm in a good mood."

"Sit, Potter." I direct him sternly and take my place on his left.

"What's wrong with Hest?" James asks.

I look at my best friend sitting in front of me and see that her hair isn't in perfect curls and she has the beginning darkness of half-circles under her eyes. She looks like she hadn't gotten much sleep at all.

"Wet Candice keeping you up already?" I ask sympathetically.

She shakes her head. "I was thinking about our conversation last night."

I furrow my eyebrows. I'd been thinking a lot about our conversation, too, but not so much that I lost _sleep_ over it. I supposed it's because I'm used to the knowledge of my lack of snogging, whereas it came as a complete shock to her. I guess a girl who had a boyfriend for over half a year _should've_ been kissed quite proper by now.

"Don't worry about it, Hest. We'll come up with something, in the meantime, I'm totally fine." I assure her. She regards me wearily but nods.

"Come up with what?" James asks, plucking a piece of toast from the platter in front of him.

"None of your business." I nudge him lightly.

After breakfast—and after McGonagall distributes our schedules—we take off towards our classes. I'm not quite sure what I want to be when I leave Hogwarts, something McGonagall scolded me on during our meeting at the end of fifth year. So I'm stuck with taking scatter-brained courses to make sure I have the proper requirements for whatever I choose. This morning I have Transfiguration with James, Hestia, Sirius and Remus and then I have Charms with Hestia and Sirius.

Hestia and I walk together when she stops me just before we reach the doors. We wait for Sirius and Remus to pass, deep in conversation, before talking.

"I've come up with a plan." Hestia announces. "But it might make slaggy Candy look like a saint."

I shake my head. "No snog is worth that."

"Lily, a bird's first kiss has to happen before she's eighteen. Otherwise blokes will get the impression that you're not _worth_ a good snog."

"I want my first kiss to be special, though." I say wistfully.

"The time for special has passed m'dear. We're boarding on desperate now. I'm telling you, you _need_ to be snogged."

"Who needs to be snogged?" a voice asks from behind.

We jump. "James!" I yell my hand on my racing heart. "Why are you lurking?"

"Sorry, I wasn't. I was just on my way to class…" he pauses to ruffle his hair. "So, who needs to be snogged, because you know I'm always willing to provide my services."

"She doesn't want it." I mumble.

"Lily does, she needs a good proper first kiss." Hestia says grandly.

"Hest!"

"What, it's true. James is a bloke; maybe he can help us with a plan of attack on Hamish."

I blush profusely. There is no way I want _James_ out of everyone to help me with this problem.

"What do you mean by first kiss? Are you trying to tell me that the broguish man hasn't kissed you yet?" James asks a mildly amused expression on his face. His eyes twinkle like he's about to make a particularly mean joke, but he withholds. I glare at him.

"He's Scottish, actually." I respond curtly. "And that's none of your business."

My two friends ignore me and turn to each other. James pretends to think a moment before nodding. "Yeah, I'll help. What d'you want to do?"

"We need a good plan that doesn't involve anything tarty." Hestia responds, the wheels in her mind already turning as she tries to find a way to fit our new player into the non-existent plan.

"Well, let me know." James nods business-like.

"Don't I get a say in any of this?" I ask. I'm kind of upset that my snogging virginity is being discussed as if I'm not even there.

"No, walk with me James." Hestia snaps and turns away.

James leans down and places his mouth near my ear. My breath hitches, I can feel his breath tickle my neck and the stubble on his cheek graze my own. The familiar lurch in my stomach happens again.

"You know, Lily, if I was your boyfriend I'd never stop kissing you." He pulls away and winks at me before sauntering away after Hestia.

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello! Due to a fairly good response to my preface I've decided that I'd hurry up and post the next chapter today! Every chapter from now on will be posted on Mondays, biweekly. This means that the next chapter will be posted on October, 15. Do review, please, it's always so nice to hear from you. Ta!_

_- FallingForFootie _


	3. Kiss me like you wanna be loved

**Chapter Two: Kiss me like you wanna be loved **

Hestia and James fail to include me in whatever plans they're making during the first week of school. Every spare minute they have together is spent away from me supposedly planning _my_ fate. It was kind of nice not having to think about a plan myself, yet every minute I have to spend with Hamish is another reminder that he hasn't kissed me and there are people plotting for that very cause. I feel so pathetic and lonely.

Okay, so I'm confused to say the least. No one can blame me for not knowing how to feel when my boyfriend of nearing seven months has yet to plant one on me and my best friends are figuring out a way to make it happen. So I do the only thing I know how; I avoid the nagging feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and take shelter in the library.

"There you are, Merlin, you're hard to find!" James' voice says. I look up from my Defence Against the Dark Arts essay that isn't due for two weeks and see him sit heavily in the chair next to me. "I never realized this place was so _big_." He sighs, referring to the library.

I roll my eyes. In my indignation about being left out of my own kissing loop, I purposely sat in the most obscure section of the library. It's abundantly childish, but if I'm not allowed to know what's going on, I might as well not be around at all.

"What've you been up to?" James asks, leaning back in his chair.

I gesture towards the scattered mess of parchment and textbooks. "Homework, seeing as I have nothing _else_ to do."

James' eyebrows wrinkle in confusion. "I would think you'd've gotten a start on our Head duties. Our first prefect meeting is tonight and then we have that meeting with Dumbledore after."

My mouth forms an O as I remember the prefect meeting I planned on the train last week. My thoughts have been completely consumed with this ridiculous plot I have no part in and being angry about it that I've forgotten I was Head Girl. "Shit, I forgot."

James' eyes widen. "Is that even possible?"

"My thoughts have been otherwise preoccupied." I snap.

"Oh yeah, your…_problem_." James snorts the last word.

My anger flares. "Exactly, it's _my_ problem. I don't see why you have to have any part in this, or Hestia for that matter. I only told her because I didn't know what else to do."

It's James' turn to roll his eyes. "Oh come on, Lily. We can both agree that I have more experience than you do in that department; therefore making me highly qualified to provide my expertise. Not to mention, I am a bloke and know what blokes fancy. As for Hestia, she has more experience than you, too. You kind of need us."

"You are _one_ bloke and you are nothing like _my_ bloke. So no, James, you are not qualified."

"I agree that there are quite obvious differences between Finlay and me, my being better in almost every way, but every bloke has at least _one_ thing in common."

"And what thing is that?" I ask regretting the question instantly.

"Birds, of course." He answers as if I'm stupid.

I smack his arm crossly. "What an insensitive thing to say, Potter!" I scold.

James rubs his sore arm laughingly. "What, it's true! All we want is a quick kiss and a lay and we're good."

"Clearly not _every_ bloke." I mutter sadly.

"Aw, Evans, Hamish will come around eventually."

"I hope so." I sigh. "In the meantime I'm feeling pretty damn pathetic."

"Don't, you have nothing to feel pathetic for. If he doesn't want to kiss you it's his loss."

"I guess." I sigh, shuffling my notes busily.

"So are we going to get started on this Heads stuff or not?" James asks clearing his throat awkwardly. I shrug and hold my face in my hands, watching him pull patrol schedules out of his rucksack.

"Might as well." I glance at my watch and see that the meeting was in little over two hours. We still have so much to do, like shuffling the schedule to coincide with the Quidditch schedules of all the other houses and all the _other_ clubs our prefects are involved in. "We need to talk about events to present to Dumbledore."

"I'm already ahead of you." James tells me, pulling out a list. "I was thinking about it last night and I came up with a few." He hands me the parchment.

"An inter-house Quidditch match?" I ask sceptically.

James grins sheepishly. "Yeah, I thought it'd be a good way to promote inter-house unity and such."

I shake my head. "Oh no, I don't think so, Potter."

"Why not?" he asks with his arms crossed.

"Because Dumbledore would never go for it. But I do like the sound of this one here—" I say pointing to the last one on the list with a question mark next to it. "Seems educational, though I'm not entirely sure what it is." I admit.

James glances over and winces. "I forgot I kept that one there."

"_Nocte venari_," I read. "What's that?"

"It means _Night Hunt_ in Latin and it's kind of a stupid idea." He answers dismissively, but I insist he explain.

"Want to elaborate on _why_ it's a stupid idea?"

"Not really, no." I give him a stern look. "Okay, fine. The lads and I used to play it when we were younger during the summer. We'd go out into the woods by my house at midnight and basically one of us was the hunter and had to track the rest of us down."

I shrug. "I don't see the big deal, sounds like a Muggle game I know."

"You're forgetting the element of magic, Lily. The woods by my house is enchanted, there are all sorts of dangerous creatures roaming around. And the catch of the game is that no magic's allowed. We'd literally have nothing to defend ourselves against anything we came across."

I gasp. "Then why would you boys play it?"

James shrug. "We were young and stupid and it was fun. But I don't think allowing a bunch of students loose in the Forbidden Forest without magic is a wise idea, do you?"

"No, I suppose you're right." I answer. "But I can't say I'm not intrigued. Sounds like a _lot_ of fun, if you ask me."

James regards me warily. "Did you just say what I think you just said?"

"What?" I ask feigning innocence. "I like a little danger as much as the next bird."

"Blimey, Evans, just when I thought I had you pegged."

I laugh at his shocked expression. "I can't say I'm without motive. Being in such a dangerous situation is pretty romantic, if you think about it. It could force Hamish to want to kiss me before anything happened to one of us." I sigh wistfully.

"Of course, I knew you had to have a reason." James teases, but there's something in his voice that sounds annoyed.

"You think I'm girling it up, aren't you? Your big-bad-bloke game." I laugh at him. I guess thinking about kissing and romance rather than the thrill of danger is pretty cliché of me, but I can't help it. My mind is officially in the gutter these days.

James smiles at me and rolls his eyes. "Don't you always?"

I stick my tongue out at him and laugh. How did this happen? How did I go from hating James almost as much as Severus Snape does to being able to joke about snogging? Maybe it's because I never really hated him that much in the first place. Sure, he was a smarmy git most of the time, but knowing that didn't make me hate him. I was cautious around James Potter, but recently I realized I don't have to be.

"I think we're done here." James says after an hour and a half of planning.

I push myself away from the table and sigh contentedly. "Just enough time for me to grab a quick shower before the meeting."

"Not if I get shower first." James says, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

I narrow my eyes at him. "You can't shower first if I'm already in the bathroom." I reply.

James slides away from the table threateningly. "Race ya!" He calls, dashing up and bolting towards where he assumed was the exit.

I laugh after him and run in the opposite direction, happily using my head start.

"No fair!" James call-whispered, realizing his mistake. He runs after me, the both of us trying exaggeratingly hard to not make too much noise. I can feel my bag hitting my shins as I push myself farther and farther away from James' oncoming figure.

I chance a glance backwards to see James gaining speed. His eyes widen, but before I can ask what his problem is I crash into someone and all their books go flying.

"Oof," The person says on impact.

"I'm _so_ sorry…_Hamish?_" I gape at my boyfriend who is rubbing his head tenderly.

"Lily, why are you running in the library?" He asks dazedly.

"I was, um, racing James back to our dormitory. Are you going to study, I thought you had plans with your friends." I ask quickly, trying to hide my blush from being caught doing something so childish with James.

"Oh, I realized I had a lot of stuff to do so I decided not to go with them." He answers. I smile at his tendency to be so diligent with his schoolwork. That's one of the reasons I love being with Hamish, he doesn't let little things distract him from what really matters to him, and what really matters to him is his future.

"Okay, well I have a Prefect meeting in half an hour and then I have to go to a meeting with Dumbledore. But I should be finished with plenty of time before curfew, we could hang out then." I say.

Hamish bites his lip attractively. "I don't know, Lily. I have a lot of studying to do…"

"We can study together in my common room or something." I insist. I put a hand on his chest and push him a step away from where James is standing. "I want to spend time with you, I miss you." I pout.

Hamish's eyes soften and he gives me a small smile. "Alright, Lass, you win. I'll meet you in your common room, what time?"

I glance at James. "What time will we be done?"

He glances up from where he was examining his fingernails. "8:30, maybe. Depending on how the meeting with Dumbledore goes."

"8:30, then." I say.

"Lily," Hamish sighs. "That leaves only half an hour before curfew."

I squeeze my eyes closed and try a calming breath. "Can't you break curfew at least once?" I mumble.

I feel his chest rumble beneath my hand. "This coming from Head Girl herself. I'm sorry, Lily, but you know how I feel about breaking the rules."

I nod my understanding. "Okay, another time, then. But let's make it soon, yeah? I really do miss you." I tell him softly. I reach up, fully intending on snogging him right then but he intercepts it with a kiss on my forehead.

"G'night, Lass."

Hamish wanders into the library and I'm forced to follow James into the corridor.

"Tough break, Evans." James says.

"Oh sod off it." I snap.

"Hey, it was a solid attempt. Look, we'll figure him out eventually."

I nod in agreement but I don't say anything else the entire journey back to our common room. James to his credit tries to engage me in lighthearted banter, but I utterly refuse to participate. I can't understand why Hamish is acting so dodgy. We've been going out for half a year, for Godric's sake, you'd think that would mean something to a bloke.

_Maybe he's bent_. A voice, sounding suspiciously like James, suggests in my head.

I blanch at the very thought. Hamish is most certainly not _bent_, by any definition of the word. He's simply not distracted by his hormones. But sometimes, like right now, I wish he would be like every other bloke in the world.

I sit heavily on the couch and watch the flames flicker in the fireplace.

"Lily, what's the matter?" James asks, sitting next to me.

I roll my eyes at him. "Take a guess."

"Aw, Lils, if it's bugging you so much why don't you just _ask _him why he won't kiss you? Forget Hestia and her scheming, just be honest with him."

I nod, unconvinced. You can't just _ask_ a bloke why he won't kiss you, that's completely nonsensical. I would just have to wait until it happens, whenever that is. I pat James' knee affectionately before locking myself in the bath to drown my misery in warm water and strawberry scented bubbles.

O.o

"Okay, is everyone clear on the schedule? I know Lily and I have made quite a few changes and I'm sorry about that, but it's just to accommodate everyone. If there are any problems, let us know and we'll find a way around it. But I'm _sure_ there won't be any." James finishes, flashing a confident grin that makes all the girls swoon a little.

"You're dismissed." I tell them, flashing a grin of my own.

Students file out and I'm left alone again with James and my thoughts. Patrol meetings, I've decided, is a very good distraction to my current dilemma, unfortunately they don't last very long. I shuffle my pile of parchment and get them all ready for our meeting with Dumbledore.

"You all set?" James asks me gently.

"Yup, let me just finish this. It'll only take a second." I dig through my rucksack, knowing I had my list of events in there somewhere when I pull out a torn piece of parchment rolled in a scroll and tied with a blue and bronze ribbon. I unfold it and see that it's a note.

_L,_

_ Astronomy Tower, 10._

_ -H._

I read it again and again; just to make sure what I'm seeing is right. It's a rendezvous note from Hamish! I can't help the smile that breaks through at the prospect of meeting him alone late at night in such a romantic destination spot. I peek at James and see that he's not looking at me. I do a quick jig and meet him by the door, completely composed.

"You okay?" James regards me sceptically.

I nod. I don't know why, but I feel like I shouldn't tell James about Hamish's note. Its something between just the two of us and letting James in on it—no matter how much I'm _dying_ to tell someone—would be like a betrayal. So we walk in silence to Dumbledore's office.

"Chocolate frogs." I say.

The gargoyle jumps out of the way and the spiral staircase unwinds before us. We climb up to his solid oak door and James uses the lion shaped knocker.

"Come in." Dumbledore calls.

"Good evening, Headmaster." James and I say in unison.

"Yes, good evening. Sit down and make yourselves comfortable." James and I take our seats. "Now, what have you prepared for this coming year?"

James launches the meeting, taking about everything he and I decided earlier today. I try to keep focus but my mind keeps wandering to Hamish and what he could be planning for tonight. Maybe he was planning on kissing me tonight all along, I _knew_ it would pay to be patient. But why tonight of all nights?

"Miss Evans?" Dumbledore asks. I look up and see both he and James looking at me expectantly. They've probably asked me a question, most likely more than once, and are waiting on my answer.

"Pardon?" I ask, blushingly.

"Forgive Lily, Headmaster, her mind is otherwise occupied." James laughs, almost meanly.

"It's quite alright, Miss Evans I asked what your thoughts were on having a inter-house Quidditch match. Mr Potter seems to think quite highly of his suggestion and I must say, so do I."

I frown, thinking. "I think it is doable as long as we spend enough time planning it. Anything involving all houses working together is a challenge." I say.

Dumbledore nods and smiles. "I'm sure Mr Potter will want to take most of the responsibility upon himself when it comes to forming the appropriate teams, Ms Evans."

James blushes and I laugh. "Very true, sir."

"Alright, then. If there's nothing else you would like to discuss, you two are free to leave." Dumbledore concludes.

James inclines his head politely before pushing his chair away and standing. I do the same and follow him out the door after quietly bidding our Headmaster goodnight. In the corridor James' strides become too long for me to keep up with.

"James, why are you in such a hurry?" I call to him.

"Why are you in such a good mood?" He counters.

I scoff. "Am I not allowed to be?"

James turns on me with a condescending glance. "I'm just curious as to your sudden change in mood is all."

I cross my arms over my chest and huff. "That's none of your business, Potter."

"Fine, _Evans_," he turns and walks away again, leaving me very much behind him.

"Berk." I mumble, walking slowly to put more distance between us.

By the time I make it to the common room James is already in his room. I lock my door and spread my books around my desk. It's only 8:30, just as James had predicted it would be when we finished. I still had an hour and a half before I had to meet Hamish and I was going to make use of my time.

That plan was quickly aborted when my mind kept wandering to Hamish. Godric, he's so wonderful. I can't help but be swept away by his romance, especially when it comes the second I least expect it to. The last time he did something so _un-Hamish_ was before the end of last term when I was complaining yet again about the lack of time we spend together. He took me on a stroll around the grounds that time and set up a picnic, too. It was so romantic.

The clock strikes half nine and I realize I've only finished a quarter of the amount of work I have to do. Oh well, it's time I get ready for my date.

I change from my robes into a nice skirt and long sleeved shirt and swap my old trainers for the kitten heels my mum bought. I think I look nice and I'm sure Hamish will agree.

"Where are you going all dolled up?" James asks the second I walk into the common room. I was trying to be sneaky, but of course he still caught me.

I look up at his staircase and see that he's in pyjama bottoms and no shirt. Now normally a shirtless James is enough to render any girl completely jelloid, but in my dazed state I barely register his tanned skin or his defined abs or his lean arms or the line of hair that trailed sexily from his navel to beneath the waistband of his pants.

"I'm going for a…walk." I say lamely.

James narrows his eyes at me. "Oh yeah, who with?"

"That's none of your business! If I want to go for a walk then I don't need to explain myself to you." I say hotly.

"It's after curfew, you know." He reminds me with a hard stare.

"Fine, I'm meeting Hamish in the Astronomy tower, okay?" I admit, half because he's annoying me and half because I _really_ wanted to tell someone.

The look on his face is surprised, but mildly so. I think he looks more impressed that I would actually break the rules for once.

"Mr. Smarty-pants finally decided his girl was more important than his books?" James teased, taking on the almost mean tone he had in Dumbledore's office.

"Yes, it's quite nice actually. Now if you please don't mind, I'm going." I turn towards the door, ready to slip out with the last word.

"What if I do mind?" James asks from the last stair.

I turn around. "What?"

"What if I do mind that you're sneaking out after curfew to meet your boyfriend for some shenanigans in the Astronomy Tower?" he clarifies.

I don't know what to say to that. I didn't really _mean_ to ask his permission to leave. "Honestly, James, I don't care if you mind." I tell him tiredly. "I'll see you later." And with that final word, I do slip out the door.

I walk hurriedly down the corridors, careful not to make a sound as I go. Once I reach the open classroom, I see Hamish sitting in one of the benches, a book in hand. I don't know what I expected—a moon light picnic and candles scattered around the room—but what I see certainly isn't it. Hamish barely glances up when I arrive. No hello hug or kiss or even a word. Instead, he holds up a finger as he finishes and marks his page.

"Hey," I say softly, sitting down beside him.

"Hi." He answers; he drapes an arm loosely around the back of the bench but doesn't touch me. "I see you made it."

"Yeah, I did…"

The silence lengthens, but it isn't the amicable silence I usually have with my friends. This one is awkward and drawn out.

"So you changed your mind about meeting, then." I say.

"Obviously." I catch a note in his voice that sounds like resentment, but I chalk it up to my hearing things.

"What made you change your mind?"

Hamish smiles at me now and drops his arm so it rests gently around my shoulders. "The thought of being with you, Lass." He purrs in my ear.

His breath sends shivers down my spine as I let his accented words wash over me. I blush and rest my head on his shoulder.

"Well I'm glad you did." I tell him honestly.

Hamish kisses my head lightly. I smile widely and tilt my head up, expecting him to kiss my lips next. But he doesn't.

Instead, Hamish turns away and _picks up his book_. He flips open to his marked page and begins reading.

"_Are you kidding me_?" I screech, jumping up, unable to contain myself. What the actual fuck does he think he's doing? This is _not_ the way a late night rendezvous is supposed to go.

"What?" Hamish asks, looking up at me as I tower over him in rage.

"You're really going to read a blasted _book_ while we're on a date?" I ask him, angrily.

"We're not on a date, Lily," Hamish says as if he's talking to a child. "We're just hanging out."

I shake my head. _No_, I was not going to put up with his shit anymore. It's one thing not to kiss me, but to be so insensitive is a complete other. "I'm so _done_ with this, Hamish. I can't understand you at all. One minute I'm _obsessing_ over why you won't kiss me then the next you surprise me with a romantic meeting and now _this_? What do you _want_? I know what _I_ want. I want a boyfriend who wants to hold my hand and kiss me and spend time with me alone in deserted towers. But if that's not what you want, then tell me right now." I stamp my foot for emphasis. I take in Hamish's shocked expression and breathe out a long breath. His eyes are wide and he looks like he's just been slapped, which I wish I had done.

"Lily, I—"

I shake my head when he fails to complete his sentence. "Goodnight, Hamish. It was nice being your…_whatever_." I turn to leave when I feel Hamish catch my wrist.

"Lily, don't go. Look, I'm sorry I haven't kissed you yet or acted like a proper boyfriend even though we've been going out for so long…I just—I don't know how to be that guy. Give me another chance, please, to make it up to you." His voice drips with pleading as he grips my wrist tighter.

I look in his bight blue eyes and see them awash with panic. He seems so cut up over losing me; my heart melts a little. But I can't just ignore all the crap he's pulled, can I?

"Okay." I resign carefully. "Okay, I'm not going anywhere. Look, I'm a simple girl, I don't need whirlwind romance, but a gentle breeze is nice once in a while." I nudge his shoulder.

Hamish smiles widely and pulls me into a hug so tight I feel consumed. I hug him back and rest my head against his shoulder. It's a nice long hug, warm and soft.

But it's not my kiss.

* * *

**A/N:** _Well there she be! Chapter 2 right on schedule. I really hope you lot enjoyed this one and I hope even more that you review. Seriously, anything that comes to mind. Chapter 3 will be up on Oct. 29, so be ready. Happy readings._

_-FallingForFootie._


	4. It's the first kiss

**Chapter Three: It's the first kiss**

Hamish and I have rekindled our relationship.

I think.

We spend a lot more time together now than we did before and he's a lot more affectionate. But there are still those little instances that haven't changed. His voice isn't always as warm, his eyes aren't always as bright and he still hasn't kissed me yet. But I don't complain anymore. I called off Hestia's plan much to her dismay. I just don't want my first kiss to be because of a scheme.

The first Hogsmeade trip is coming up soon, we set it for the second week of October, and I'm really looking forward to it. Hogsmeade in autumn is a magnificent sight. The leaves turn fiery shades of red and orange and the whole town is alive with Halloween spirit. It's definitely my favourite time to be a witch. Besides, the specialty pumpkin pie they serve at the Three Brooksticks is always a plus.

"Please tell me you have something I can borrow." Hestia says to me with her head stuffed inside her chest of drawers.

"What for, may I ask?"

"I have a date with Sirius tonight and I don't know what to wear." She whines.

I turn around and roll my eyes. "Probably not gonna be wearing it for long, so why should it matter?" I mutter.

"What was that, Lily Evans? A jealous jab at my loving relationship, perhaps?"

I turn back to her with a wide grin. "It most certainly was."

Hestia frowns at me sadly. "What's wrong, Lils? I thought things with Hamish were getting better."

I sigh. She's right; things _have_ gotten better, loads, actually. But I'm still not satisfied. Yeah, he's being a sweeter boyfriend than he was, but I still haven't gotten my first kiss. And that's something that I won't stop being bothered about until it happens.

"Still haven't figured out why he won't kiss you?" She asks, holding up two scarves for me to choose. I shake my head at the blue one.

"I don't even care why anymore. I just want to get it over with." I say dejectedly.

Hestia looks up and me and frowns. She looks like she's about to come over and hug me when she glances at the clock beside her bed. "Look, Lils, I'm gonna be late. Can we talk about this when I get back?"

"If you get back." I interrupt.

Hestia narrows her eyes at me. "Whatever, I really need to get ready for my date. Have fun moping. I think Sirius said James is barricading himself in your common room tonight, you can always go bother him."

Hestia flounces off to the bathroom and I gather my things to leave. I haven't been spending a lot of time with James recently because of my rekindled—not yet a real flame—relationship with Hamish. I see him in passing, of course, but I can definitely see us needing to catch up. I would try to find Hamish but he already told me he was going to be studying with his Ravenclaw mates and isn't to be disturbed. I hate that I'm still a pencilled in girlfriend, but it'll have to do.

When I reach the common room I see that James is sitting in one of the squishy chairs by the fire, scrawling ceaselessly on a scroll of parchment.

"What're you up to?" I ask, scaring him.

"Hullo, Lily." James grins.

"Hullo, James."

"I'm planning a Halloween prank for the lads and I." he says honestly.

I narrow my eyes at him. "No lie?" I ask. "That's unsettling."

James grins and shrugs. "No point in lying, we all know the Marauders are going to pull one. I had a stroke of brilliance and I just had to start on it."

I sigh. "Too bad, I was looking to get up to some mischief tonight. See, I don't have much else to do and I thought I could do with some fun." I say with a glint in my eye that usually appears in his. I knew I was reeling him in with every word I spoke. "But you finish your _planning_, I'm sure it's much better than any _real_ havoc we could wreak."

James' eyes widen. "Give me a mo and I can have us prowling the castle in no time."

I chuckle and sit back, waiting. I watch James hunched over his parchment, his eyebrows creased in concentration. His glasses have fallen a little down the bridge of his nose and I want to reach over and push them up. His hair looks like he's been running his hands through it a lot, it's stuck up in angles all around his head. He taps his quill on the edge of his inkpot while he's thinking and it takes on a steady rhythm.

I've begun to notice a lot of things about James that I hadn't before. When we were kids he was incorrigible. I remember almost _loathing_ him along with Severus Snape and once vowed to him that I would never ever succumb to the Potter charm. But Severus and my friendship ended and with that, Potter and my friendship began. Without Sev whispering about his horridness in my ear I could see that James wasn't the kind of bloke I'd assumed he was. Yes, he was a bullying toerag who hexed students for fun and who thought he was better than everyone else just because he was talented and handsome and rich. But he was more than that, as well. He was kind to students who were kind to him, and he _was_ ruddy talented and he _was_ extremely dishy.

I'd like to believe that his turnaround had to do with some of the mean things I'd yelled at him at the end of fifth year, I really would. But I can't be so arrogant as to take credit for James' transformation. He grew up a lot and for that I'm truly grateful, not matter how it came to be. James has become one of my best friends now and I don't care how it happened.

"Finished." James says, throwing down his quill in triumph. "Let's go have some fun."

I yawn. "I dunno, James, I'm kind of tired."

James shakes his head roughly. "No, you can't just promise we can have a night of havoc wreaking fun and then back out at the last second. Tired or not tired, you, Lily Evans, are going to participate."

I sigh. "Fine, at least let me know what we're going to be doing."

James wiggles his eyebrows. "We'll explore the castle."

"Haven't you done that enough? You know, when I told you we could get up to mischief tonight I just said that cause I didn't have anything else to do…"

"I see, so I'm your last resort?" James said, nodding sadly to himself.

I nudge his shoulder gently. "You don't believe that, do you?"

He shrugs and turns his face away from me, gathering up his scroll and inkpot. We don't talk for a while; we just sit in silence. But unlike with Hamish, this silence isn't awkward or drawn out. It's amicable and nice, like we don't _have_ to talk to be together.

"I wonder if my stairs are enchanted like the ones in Gryffindor Tower." I say aloud, referring to the stairs leading up to the girls' dormitories that turned into a slide should a boy try to climb up them.

"Let's find out." James says running over, contempt at being my "last resort" seemingly vanished.

He steps on the stairs and does a little jig up and down. Nothing happens.

"We'll have to fix that." I mutter, coming up to stand beside him.

James looks at me affronted. "Why would you do that? Don't you trust me?"

I shake my head and laugh. "Not even a little bit."

James pouts and I hit his arm, but my touch is light and I barely brush his skin. James looks at me carefully and I clear my throat pointedly.

"I think I should, um, get ready for that excursion." I say to fill the silence.

James nods and I feel him watch me as I climb up the stairs. Safely in my room I can wonder about what just passed between us. I definitely felt that familiar swooping feeling I get when I'm with him sometimes. It twists my stomach in a pleasant but unsettling manor.

Something in me makes me sneak back to the stairs and cast the charm I think is used on the Gryffindor girls' stairs. In my third year the seventh years at the time were researching the charm to see if they could lift it. Plenty of them had boyfriends and they wanted a way to sneak them up unbeknownst to the professors. They never did figure it out. But I kept searching and eventually found it in a book from the restricted section that I told Madame Pince was for an extra credit Charms assignment. I even got Flitwick to signoff on it for me. But by the time I found it in fifth year, those seventh years had graduated and no one was looking for it. I filed it away never thinking I would have to use it.

Well, just in case.

I quickly change from my robes into jeans and a large jumper that used to belong to James before I stole it from him last year around Christmas. It was just before we left for Holiday, three—almost four—months before Hamish asked me out, we were playing on the grounds having a snowball fight. I raced inside after having nailed him in the face with a particularly well-aimed shot. It was a Hogsmeade weekend and the castle was practically empty when we ran into the Gryffindor Common Room. I don't remember why James and I stayed back… By the time he caught up with me I was huddled by the fire, my teeth chattering away like a group of fourth year girls. I didn't have any good jumpers so James offered me one of his. It was one his grandmum knitted for him so it looked like a Quidditch jersey; it had his name and number on it and everything. I enchanted the name on the back to say Evans; of course, because it's not like he's my boyfriend whose jumper I should be wearing, but it still his has number…and his boy smell (thank Merlin for anti-fading charms).

Downstairs James is talking into a square of glass but I can't make out what he's saying. He glances up sensing me and says a hasty goodbye to whomever he was speaking with.

"Who was that?" I ask nonchalantly.

James grins at me. "I've set up a surprise for your first _official_ midnight excursion. There's something I want you to see."

"I've been out past curfew before, James." I say with a roll of my eyes. "Besides, its not even midnight yet."

James takes a step towards me so he can look me directly in the eye. "Doesn't make you any less scared, though, does it?" He asks with a chuckle.

He's right, of course. My heart has been beating a mile a second since he said the words "midnight" and "excursion".

"Shut up." I say.

James laughs and puts an arm around my shoulders. "Relax, Lils, I'll take care of you."

O.o

James blindfolded me, but that wasn't the surprise. Although, it did give me a fright when he wrapped it around me without my prior knowledge. I'm stumbling around, my arms outstretched as I try to locate him in my personal darkness.

"James, where are you?" I call.

"I'm here, just a second." I can hear him fiddling with something and whispering spells under his breath. Finally, I feel him. He places one hand on the small of my back and takes my hand in his, guiding me to Godric knows where.

"I don't like this." I say.

"I know you don't." James answers lightly. I don't press the matter, knowing that no matter what I say he will refuse to tell me anything about our excursion. Head titles be damned, we are going to have an adventure tonight, isn't that right Potter?

I sigh and allow him to guide me through the corridors. I feel him push something heavy with his shoulder and then feel the temperature drop significantly.

"Are we on the _grounds_?" I yelp, grounding my heels in the dirt.

"Oh don't be a pansy, Lils, just trust me."

"James Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is Potter, I am _Head Girl_—to your Head Boy, I must add—we should _not_ be on the grounds after curfew!" I struggle against him. "A trip around the castle is one thing, but I never agreed to this."

"Adrian."

"What?" I ask, thoroughly confused.

"My middle name, it's Adrian." James answers, helping me over a bumpy patch of ground.

"I didn't know that." I say abandoning my argument.

"Yes well, I don't exactly shout it to the world."

"Why not? It's a beautiful name." I tell him softly. I can feel his cocky grin as I say it and my cheeks flare instantly.

"Thank you Lily, I think your name is beautiful as well."

I don't say anything and neither does he for the rest of the trip. I allow him to continue guiding me along until finally he stops me and places his hands on my shoulders.

"Okay, I'm going to take your blindfold off and you have to promise not to scream." He says anxiousness seeping into his voice.

"Why would I scream?" I ask uneasily.

James responds by pulling the cloth from around my face. My eyes snap open and I am instantly met with…more darkness. I have no idea where I am but I can feel a nervousness creeping up my back. If it wasn't for James' firm arm around my waist I probably would've set about in a rage of panic.

"Where are we?" I whisper.

"The Forbidden Forest."

My mind goes into instant panic mode at the name. Every instinct in me is telling me we shouldn't be here. Every ounce of training and conditioning I have tells me that the Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason and students under no circumstances should be in here alone, unsupervised. I don't care how romantically dangerous and appealing the dark woods are, I want to run away fast and hide.

And I would, had James' arm not been stopping me.

"Let me go James, we need to go." I say as calmly as I possibly can. I don't want to yell at him in case he takes that as a reason _not_ to listen to my rationality.

"Why, we just got here." He quips lightly.

"Why did you bring me here, James?" I ask. I can hear rustling in the trees on my left and an owl hooting in the distance. The usually pleasant sound I often associate with post suddenly seems much scarier in the darkness.

"I told you I wanted to show you something." He takes my hand and starts pulling me along.

"No, James. I want to go back to the castle." I say forcefully, grinding my heels in the dirt.

James stops and looks at me. I can barely make out the shadows of his face in the dull moonlight, but my eyes have adjusted enough to see he is thoroughly annoyed with my resistance.

"Fine, go back then." He releases my hand and turns away.

I look around feeling dizzy. Everywhere looks the same to me, the trees blend together into a sold wall of black. I haven't the foggiest which way to go. I want more than anything to feel James' arm around me again, to feel his safe body pressed against mine and take away all the fear I've ever felt. But I also want to go home. A hand inside my head slaps me.

_Where's your Gryffindor courage?_ It asks.

I haven't got any.

_Clearly. Now tell me, would James do anything to hurt you?_

I think about it. If this was fifth year or even sixth I would've said yes with no hesitation. I would've never trusted James to keep me safe—any part of me.

No, I answer the voice in my head.

_Then go after him._

I can hear James' slowly retreating footsteps growing evermore distant.

"Wait, James."

His footsteps cease immediately. I run towards him and clasp his hand tightly and shift myself so that I am securely wrapped with his arm around me and my body flush with his.

"Just make it quick, yeah?" I whisper.

James looks at me tenderly before pressing his lips to the top of my head. We set about our short journey until we reach a spot in the woods that has been cleared save for one colossal tree in the middle. We stand on the edges of the clearing peering up at it. It is massive, with branches sticking about in all directions. As I squint up at it, I can make out a faint light between the branches that I assume is a bright yellow star.

"James, the tree is on fire." I warn him urgently.

"No, I had that set up for us."

"The—what?"

James grins down at me. "Come on, then." He lets me go and walks to the base of the tree.

"You want me to _climb_, up _there_?" I ask as if he's mental.

"Climb if you want to, I was just gonna magick my way." James teases pulling his wand from his pocket. "Or did you forget you were a witch again?"

I puff out my cheeks in annoyance. Pulling out my wand as well I perform a levitation charm on myself and follow James up the tree. He is already perched on one of the highest branches when I finally reach him. All around us I could see that what I _thought_ was one flame was actually several tiny points of light so high up that on the ground it looked concentrated. They look like lightning bugs buzzing around and they are terribly beautiful.

"Light spell," James explains my unasked question softly. "You can't exactly see the stars tonight so I figured we'd have some of our own." He leans back on his elbows against the trunk of the tree and looks out into the distance.

We are so high up I can't look around without fear of falling nor can I appreciate the sentimentality of what he'd just said. So I lean back against the tree trunk next to James (the branch is so think it could've held three of us against the trunk) and close my eyes.

"Are you afraid of heights?" James asks surprised.

"I didn't realize how much until now." I confirm.

"Is that why you never fly?"

"No, my lack of flying has nothing to do with my fear of heights and everything to do with my fear of falling to an untimely death." I answer with gritted teeth. I open one eye cautiously but close it again quickly.

"What's the difference?" James asks. "The only reason anyone is afraid of heights is because they're afraid to fall. But that's really pointless here seeing as if you _do_ fall there are tons of branches to catch you below."

"Being skewered by thick jagged branches, way to comfort me, James."

"Hey, I'm sorry. But you're kind of defeating the purpose of my brining you here."

"Why _did_ you bring me here?" I ask, curious now to find out why it is I'm out of the castle past curfew.

"Well if you opened your bloody eyes maybe you'd see."

"I can't," I whisper softly. "I'm too scared."

James sighs and I feel him grip my hand firmly. "I have you, Lily, you're completely safe. Don't you trust me?"

I do trust him; I know I do. I've never felt so safe and so secure in my entire life, even if I _am_ about to fall to my death. Hesitantly, I start to open my eyes until I'm squinting into the distance. What I see leaves me breathless and gasping for air. I can see all of Hogwarts from my perch on that tree. Many of the windows are dark, but there are enough lit to show off how magnificently majestic the ancient castle is. And the _grounds_, I've never seen them look so beautiful. Obviously I knew they were beautiful, but I hadn't really realized the true definition of the word until I saw this view.

I tell James this, gasping with excitement.

"Now you know how I feel whenever I look at you." James states softly.

I look over at him; feeling like a wrecking ball has crashed into my middle and knocked the wind out of me. I see that his face is right next to mine in a way that should've made me want to push him away. Should've, but didn't. I can see an intensity in his eyes that I haven't seen since the end of fifth year. I saw truth.

"James, I—"

But I don't know what else to say. How did I find myself in such a position? I stare deep into James' hazel eyes—more of an olive green now. I just can't look away. My heartbeat accelerates to a breakneck speed. He is _right there_.

His lips part.

My eyes flutter closed.

His breath hitches.

My head tilts to the side.

His nose touches my cheek.

My lips brush his.

And there it is; my first kiss.

James' lips are soft on mine, moving gently. My hand travels up his shirt until it fists at the nape of his neck, fingers tangled in the ends of his hair. James holds my other hand to his chest while his free hand cups my cheek. I can feel his heart beneath his shirt beating wildly the same way mine is. He brushes my cheek with the pad of his thumb and I sigh into his kiss.

It is brilliant; the most beautiful, exhilarating, passionate first kiss I could've ever hoped for. It's slow and it's sweet and it's mine.

James pulls away from me and rests his forehead against mine. I open my eyes to see him staring at me. I couldn't name what I saw there if I tried, it's something completely foreign to me. He smiles a shy smile and tucks a lose curl behind my ear.

"It's getting late, I think we should probably get back." He breathes.

I nod, reeling with some unknown emotion. I am excited and scared but so, _so_ happy. The storm raging on inside me flares but I can't understand what could be wrong when everything is so _right_.

James holds my hand on the way back to the castle, but it's different this time. The camaraderie is all but gone, leaving something much more intimate between us. James Potter is my first kiss, the one person I _never_ imagined would be. But in this moment, I can't think of anyone else it should've been.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then." James nods when we reach our common room. Something is different about him. Was it the kiss, was I a bad kisser?

"Yeah, I had a nice time tonight, James." I tell him gently.

He flashes a grin that transforms his face back to the one I love so much. "Good, I'm glad."

He takes my hand and kisses it before walking up his staircase perfectly at ease. I watch him go, and sigh deeply. I can't think clearly, there is a fog coating every inch of my mind. All I could think about is James and how it felt to kiss him. I lick my lips and taste him there. I close my eyes and see his eyes trained so delicately on me.

I lay on my bed staring up at my ceiling for what must've been hours because soon the dark room became awash in a dark blue—almost black but not quite. The day is just about to break. My senses starts to clear, the dust is being shook out and wiped clean. Slowly I begin to realize what had really happened last night.

I was with James in a tree at midnight outside of the castle in the Forbidden Forest. We'd kissed, or more accurately, _I_ kissed _him._

Merlin, he must think I'm a complete scrubber.

I am a girl with a boyfriend, a boyfriend whom I love so dearly. I am not the girl who kissed other blokes in trees past curfew in forbidden forests. I am loving and _faithful_, at least, I thought I was.

I cover my head with my blanket, wishing I could suffocate myself so that I wouldn't have to see his—Hamish, my _boyfriend_'s name is _Hamish_—sweet, innocent face. How am I going to face him knowing that just a few seats away, my first kiss is staring at us knowing that I am a poxy girlfriend?

James Potter. James Adrian Potter. My first kiss.

I squeeze my eyes shut until there are starbursts behind my lids. It was a fantastic kiss and no matter how horrible it made me, I don't regret it. I couldn't bring myself to regret it; it is too much a part of me now. And it was perfect.

With that I came to an unsettling awareness: not once did I wish it was with Hamish.

* * *

**A/N: **_Chapter 3 as promised! Now, here's the thing. I only got ONE review for the last chapter so I can only assume that none of you found it worthy enough to comment on. I hope I did better this time. And I have a challenge for you all, if you choose to accept it. If anyone can tell me why I chose Adrian as James' middle name, I'll let you name a character (which is a pretty big deal because I put a lot of effort in naming characters). So yeah, read, review and get researching!_

_ Next Chapter: November, 12._

_-FallingForFootie._


	5. Just a kiss

**Chapter Four: Just a kiss**

I sit alone at the Gryffindor table, my head in my hands and my heart in my throat. I can't believe I kissed James last night, and more importantly, I can't believe I _enjoyed_ it. Deep down I've always known James would be a good kisser, I just never thought I would get to experience it first hand. And Merlin was it _good_.

Gah, I couldn't think about things like that. I hadn't gotten any sleep last night; I was too busy worrying about what I should do to make it up to Hamish. Would he even want me still now that I've basically cheated on him?

Of course not.

But the thing is, I still love Hamish even though I don't regret what happened with James. So I'd kissed him, its not like Hamish was getting around to doing it any time soon. So now that my first kiss is out of the way, maybe I can finally give my full attention to Hamish and my relationship and forget fretting over something as trivial as a kiss.

Kissing someone doesn't mean you _love_ them, does it?

Of course not.

I am so confused, and it doesn't help matters when James walks into the Great Hall alone, looking extremely dishy in a navy blue wool jumper. His eyes flick straight to me and as soon as they meet mine, he glances away. Instead of walking over like he usually does when we're both up early and are eating alone, he sits at the opposite end of the table close to a giggling crop of fourth years—he _hates_ giggling crops of forth years. I can't deny that I'm disappointed and a little hurt by his miniscule rejection. Was he really regretting our kiss so much? I mean I know he's over me, but still…

It's probably for the best, though. The last thing I need when Hamish comes down is to be sitting in a puddle of my own drool over the bloke I kissed who is not my boyfriend.

Where's Hestia?

I heave a deeply sorrowful sigh and hang my head in my hands. What am I going to do? I stand and walk slowly out of the Hall. I feel James' eyes burning my back as I pass, but I don't look at him. As soon as I step into the corridor I bump into none other than Severus Snape. I'm struck instantly with a guilt I don't particularly understand. He would be devastated if he knew I kissed James, completely crushed and utterly betrayed. But Severus isn't my friend anymore and he has no right over whom I kiss.

"Evans," He nods curtly.

"Snivellus," I nod back.

I hear him suck in a sharp breath before pushing past me into the Hall. I wonder vaguely if maybe calling him James' nickname is crossing a line but I don't dwell on it too long.

I can't tell Hamish, I decide. How can I when admitting my infidelity would be the end of my relationship? This will just have to be James and my dirty little secret, now wouldn't it?

I'm almost to the library when I hear footsteps clacking behind me. They're heavy, distinctly male. And I have a feeling I know exactly to whom they belong. James falls into step beside me but doesn't say anything. I chance a glance over to him and see him wearing a very curious expression, indeed. It's a mixture between a smile and a frown that has no business being on James' usually cheerfully mischievous face.

"James," I say softly.

"Hi, Lily." He says, squeaking on the last syllable in my name.

"How're you?"

"Fine, thank you. How're you?"

"Good, good, thanks."

James nods and I nod and we fall silent again. I don't know what to say to him. Even though I don't regret kissing him, I still know it was a mistake. Yet, looking at him now all I want to do is kiss him again. The feel of his lips on mine was, for lack of a better word, addicting. And I need another hit. Does that make me a bad person?

Who am I kidding, of course it does! I am a girl with a boyfriend, dammit. I shouldn't be having indecent thoughts about another bloke.

"Fuck," James mutters under his breath.

"Pardon?" I ask automatically.

James sighs and stops mid-step, drawing me to a halt beside him. "Look Lily, I can't just walk beside you like nothing happened last night. We kissed, it happened. Now I need to know what's gonna happen next because I'm going completely _mental_ over here thinking about it." He looks me in the eye with a seriousness that scares me. "Tell me something, Lily. Tell me what's gonna happen, where are we going from here?"

"I-I have a boyfriend." I blurt. I shake my head to clear the fog that's settled from being so close to him. His lips are _right there_ for Godric's sake. "Nothing _can_ happen, James. Yes, it happened. But it's in the past and I think it'd be best if we just forget it and move on."

James lets go of my arm that he'd been clutching without my awareness. "Forget it and move on? Lily, I can't forget that kiss."

My heart soars for a minute at the thought of James enjoying the first kiss I'd given anyone. But the feeling is short lived when I remember the context in which it happened. "Then you're gonna have to find a way to ignore it. Hamish is the guy I want to be with, James. I can't let something like a kiss ruin that for me."

"Something like a kiss?" James asks incredulously. "Just a day ago _a kiss_ is the only thing you wanted." He takes a step towards me so that he's so close I can feel his breath on my cheek. My heartbeat quickens and my breathing shallows and my eyes flutter closed all on their own accord. I can feel myself being drawn in to him, and even if I tried to fight it, I know I couldn't resist. "See, Lily, you feel it, too." He whispers to me.

A shiver runs down my spine at his words. I do feel it, too. I feel it in every fibre of my being; I feel it in every single breath I breathe. But it's wrong and I have to fight it, I have no other choice.

I shake my head with struggle. "James," I put my hand on his chest and push him back a step. "Please, just forget it. For me, please, I need you to do that for me." My head bows so low my forehead brushes his chest. I inhale his James smell and almost fuck it all right then. But he backs up another step.

"Fine," He snaps coldly. "You can lie to yourself all you want. But you felt something for the first time last night and you're just too damned scared to do anything about it. That kiss wasn't just anything; it meant something to me, too. But you can have it because you're _Lily Evans_ who wants the moon and the stars, and I'm _James Potter_, a fool big enough to try and reach it for you."

With one last scathing look James stomps away, leaving me alone in the empty corridor. My body feels completely exhausted. I hope Hamish is worth it, I really do. Because in this moment, all I want is James.

O.o

I'd forgotten to close the curtains on my window the night before, allowing the sun to shine through at an ungodly hour. My eyes squint open and the light burns my irises. I flinch and roll over, burying my head under my pillow. Saturdays are for sleeping, why would I do anything else until noon?

I must've fallen asleep again because the next thing I know, there's a knock on my door and the sun has shifted away from my face.

"Come in," I call groggily.

Hestia walks in dressed in a tight fitting jumper and trousers. "Lily, why are you still in bed? Aren't you supposed to be meeting Hamish in, like, an hour?"

"What're you—?"

"_Hogsmeade_, remember? You've only been talking about this date since you planned the trip."

"_Shit,_" I yelp, jumping out of bed. "What time is it?"

"Half nine."

"Oh, Merlin, Hamish is gonna be _pissed_ if I'm late. He hates it when I'm late."

"Relax, Lily, he'll just have to wait."

"You don't understand," I mutter, slamming the bathroom door behind me.

After education, punctuality is a value Hamish holds most dear. Time and time again Hamish has scolded me for being late to whatever meeting we have. _You're the one who wanted to spend more time together_, he'd remind me harshly. _You really need to sort out your priorities_.

I fly though my morning routine at top speed, forsaking the pauses I usually take between phases of readiness to take stalk of my appearance. Wide green eyes, perpetually rosy cheeks scattered with freckles, bright orange hair, disproportionate lips, stubby nose, slightly elfish ears, blob-shaped birthmark on my right temple. It's not that I think I'm pretty; I just like to remind myself that I'm not hideous enough to go unkissed.

_But you're not unkissed_.

As far as anyone else is concerned, I am. Acknowledging the fact that I have had my first kiss would make it all too real. I don't want to think about the shift that kiss has caused between James and I because thinking about it would mean thinking about James and right now, I need to focus on thinking about Hamish.

When I exit the bathroom, Hestia has already left.

The air is still nice enough that I can wear a pretty yellow and pink sundress over tights and a cardigan. I tie my hair in a side braid and sigh into the mirror. Hamish always tells me my hair looks better up.

I would ask James to help me get something from the kitchens for breakfast, but I think better of it. James hasn't spoken to me since our conversation outside the library and I don't blame him. It was pretty harsh of me to dismiss our kiss the way I did, but what did he expect me to do? Hamish is my boyfriend and I need to be faithful to that. I wasn't about to fall into James' arms and forget neither all the things that kept me away from him in the first place nor the things that made me yes to Hamish. There's too much to consider and, in the end, it's still a no.

I'll just get something in Hogsmeade.

I walk towards the entrance hall, noticing that most of the students have already left. Only a few sullen first and second years mill about looking longingly out the castle doors for the freedom that came during third year. I see Hamish's mop of blond hair among the thin crowd talking to someone much shorter, much skinnier, with long, greasy black hair.

What's he doing talking to _Severus?_

I walk towards them, neither of them seeing me until I'm almost right in front of them. They're talking in hurried whispers that make me uneasy. Unlike the idea of being with James, Severus never really expressed any contempt at my being with Hamish. Granted, I haven't spoken to him since the end of fifth year when he begged me to forgive him for calling me the M word. I suppose Sev never really cared about who I dated so long as it wasn't Potter.

"Lily," Hamish says, loudly when he sees me.

"Lily? What are you—" Severus stops when he realizes I'm present. "Oh, I'll just be off, then." And with that, he quickly takes his leave.

"What was that all about?" I ask.

"What?"

"Since when do you talk to Snape?"

"I don't. He was just asking to borrow some Potions notes."

"Potions notes?" I ask sceptically. "Snape is top of our year, why would he be asking for _your_ notes?"

Hamish frowns disapprovingly. "Believe it or not, Lily, but some people think I'm rather intelligent. Why should I care why Snape needs my notes? I'm always willing to help a fellow student improve their marks."

I smile and take his hand. "Always the good guy."

He smiles back and leads me towards the door. "Come on, we're gonna miss the last carriage if we don't hurry."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I overslept."

"Hm?" he asks, still pulling me along.

"Aren't you gonna yell at me for being late and not having my priorities in order?" I ask.

Hamish looks at me with an annoyed expression. "I don't _yell_ at you. I simply remind you of the importance of punctuality."

I don't respond. There's no point in arguing with him, especially on a day when we're gonna spend so much time together. I want this trip to be pleasant.

We ride into Hogsmeade on the last carriage and get off right in front of the Three Broomsticks. My stomach growls and Hamish rolls his eyes knowingly. "I guess it's in here first, then?"

I follow him into the crowded pub and instantly regret not being one of those prissy girls who prefer to dine at that awful pink and fluffy nightmare. The Marauders are sitting front and centre, laughing and flirting with girls over a round of butterbeer. My stomach drops when I realize James is sitting next to Daisy Collins, a sixth year Hufflepuff who's had a crush on him for the longest time. He used to swear up and down to me that he'd never go for her because he just wasn't interested. But there he is, sitting with Daisy, their arms brushing every time one of them moves. And she moves a lot.

"Lily? Are you okay?" Hamish asks me, a hand on the small of my back. I squirm, feeling it acutely for the first time. I hate it when he puts his hand on my back, it's as if I'm a child and he needs to usher me along. I'd much rather him hold my waist the way James did the night of—

No, I can't think about that. Clearly James has already moved on.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's find a seat." I take his hand and pull him into the pub.

We pass by the Marauders' table and Hestia sees me from her seat next to Sirius. "Lily!" she calls when she spots me. "Come sit with us. Here, Sirius, shove over a little. I don't think anyone is using those chairs so just bring them over. There, now we can all fit. Sit down, sit down, what are you waiting for?" Hestia says in a rush.

"Really, Hest it's okay—"

"Why not, Lass?" Hamish whispers in my ear.

_Because I kissed James and I want to spend time alone with you before I kiss him again._ I want to say. But I don't. Instead, I watch as he slides into the seat next to Hestia, leaving me with the spot between him and…James. Of course.

"Hi," I say softly to him when I take my seat.

He glances coldly at me and turns away pointedly towards Daisy. "Dais, why don't we go to Honeydukes?" he asks sweetly.

"Are you mad? We just got here. Besides, I've got all the sugar I need right here." _Dais_ says flirtatiously back at him. She places her hand on the table for him to take, but he doesn't.

"Come on, I'll buy you a sugar quill."

"I bet she'd rather suck on something else."

"Pardon?" James turns to me with a scowl, but his eyes are dancing with mischief at the innuendo.

_Fuck_, did I just say that out loud?

"Wh-what?" I ask innocently.

"I thought I heard you just say—"

"Oh, so now you can hear when I talk to you?" I snap. James closes his open mouth and turns back to Daisy who thankfully seems to have missed our exchange. I like Daisy; she's a sweet girl who deserves to finally get the guy after so many years of pining after him. So why do I feel so much _anger_ towards her now? My stomach twists at the thought of them together in Honeydukes. Why does she have to like _James_?

I peel my eyes away from the back of James' head and focus on the others. Sirius is pouting and Hestia is leaning over him, laughing with Remus and Peter. I smile hesitantly, trying to grasp at some thread of their conversation, but I can't seem to piece it together.

A bottle of butterbeer and a plate of salt and pepper chips are set in front of me suddenly, startling me out of myself. I look to Hamish who is gazing gently at me.

"I knew you were hungry…" he says with a shy smile.

I look up into his aqua eyes and float off to sea. In all my agitation with him for not giving me what I want, I forgot how sweet Hamish could be. I'm struck again with such _guilt_ over what I've done to our relationship. How could I hurt him like this?

"Thank you," I breathe, leaning into his side.

"Why can't _you_ be that sweet?" Hestia asks loudly.

"What did I do _now_?" Sirius exclaims.

"Hamish bought Lily chips without her even asking. You never do that _and_ you eat all mine when I get them _for myself_." She complains.

"Listen woman, no one tells Sirius Black what to do."

"_Woman_? Why you arse—"

I tune them out. Hestia and Sirius have everything I want in a relationship. They banter like an old married couple and love each other like best friends. It's sweet watching them bicker about the most miniscule things knowing that in a moment Sirius will take Hestia's face in his hands and snog her passionately. But right now I don't want to watch my best friend and her whirlwind romance. I want to experience my own.

"That was very sweet of you." I gush to Hamish, popping a chip in my mouth.

"It was!" Selena Nyx, the girl beside Remus, agrees.

Hamish flashes her a smile and shrugs. "I wasn't trying to be sweet. Just looking out for my girl, is all."

I can tell Selena and Val—who's sitting with Peter—have turned completely jelloid over Hamish and I feel a rush of pride at being his girl. James scoffs beside me and I glare at him.

"What?" I hiss.

He looks down at me, condescension clear on his face. "I didn't say anything." He tells me smugly. "So how about Honeydukes, then?" he asks Daisy.

Daisy shakes her head, smiling sweetly. "Oh, alright. But you owe me something sweet." She winks at him and pushes away from the table.

"I'll see you lads later." He winks at his friends before leaving, his arm wrapped securely around Daisy's waist.

"Bloke's mental." Remus shakes his head sadly, watching his friend go.

"Digging himself in deep." Peter agrees.

"He's just dealing." Sirius defends, but he doesn't seem convinced.

"With what?" I hear myself ask.

Sirius flicks his eyes towards me and then looks away. "Nothing to concern yourself with, Evans."

I feel a twinge of resentment towards Sirius. James is my friend, too, and if he's dealing with something I think I have a right to know what it is. Just because we're going through something awkward doesn't mean I don't care about him.

_A little bit of an understatement, don't you think_?

Shut up.

I finish my chips quickly; feeling suffocated all of a sudden. I want to get out of here quickly so that I don't have to think about Hestia and Sirius' perfect relationship or what they were talking about when James left. I need some air.

"Where to next?" I ask Hamish.

"I was thinking Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, if you don't mind." He says.

"I don't mind."

"Well be off, too, then." Hamish announces, standing up and straightening his tie. I catch Hestia's disapproving look as I follow him out of the pub. I know what she's thinking, _A stationary store, really, Lily? That's the most boring thing ever. Make him take you somewhere like Zonko's, at least. Or Honeydukes._

But James is in Honeydukes.

_Exactly_, says the voice inside my head.

"I could do for some sweets," I tell Hamish once we're outside. "Could we go to Honeydukes after Scrivenshaft's?"

"I don't see why not—"

"Great."

I tap my foot impatiently as Hamish strolls through the aisles of Scrivenshaft's, looking, he says, for the right parchment. He only likes _Papyrus_ brand because of its "exceptional quality". I don't rush him, though. I know better than to do that. Hamish hates being rushed, especially when it comes to what he'll be doing his schoolwork on.

I look at my watch and see that it's almost sunset. The carriages will all be gone by the time we reach them and then we'll have to walk. So much for going to Honeydukes.

"Not to rush you, but we should probably be getting back to school." I tell him.

"Yeah, sure, Lass." Hamish says, continuing to flip through a journal.

I sigh and take his hand and pull him out of the shop.

"Thanks. I don't know why I get like that sometimes. It's like, when I'm in there I get sucked into a vortex that won't let me out." Hamish explains, his hand playing nervously with his fringe. I smile at him.

"There's no need to apologize," I say. "We all get that way about something."

We walk hand in hand to the carriages in time to see the last one drive off without us.

"Dammit." I mutter at the same time as the person next to us. I look over to see James, one hand in his hair and the other clasping Daisy's.

"Oh hey, guys." Daisy smiles at us. "I see you have the same luck as us."

"Yeah," I say, flashing her a forced smile of my own. _Be pleasant, Lily,_ I remind myself. "Did you guys get the sweets you wanted?" I ask conversationally.

"I'd say." Daisy grins up at James who looks rather uncomfortable. He looks down at her and smiles weakly before turning away and gazing off into the distance. He hasn't even looked at me.

"That's good…" I trail.

The four of us begin to walk up to the castle together in silence.

"Hey, Lily, I'm glad we ran into you, actually." Daisy starts.

"Why's that?" I ask, careful not to sound too hostile. _Trying to rub the fact that you finally got James to ask you out in my face, bitch?_

"Well, I was wondering if you'd be willing to tutor me in Charms. I know you're, like, the best in your year and I was hoping, y'know, if you weren't too busy you wouldn't mind helping me out."

I glance over at her and see her smiling sweetly at me. I'm reminded again of how much I actually like Daisy Collins and fill instantly with guilt. I remember once upon a time urging James to ask her out and him telling me he didn't want to and me wondering what could possibly stop him? She's so nice and so pretty and one of those girls you can actually hold a proper conversation with. I should be warmly accepting her into James' life.

But I just couldn't.

"I don't know. I'll have to check my schedule." I say.

"Oh, alright. Don't worry if you can't."

I flash her a quick smile and we all fall silent again. I don't have to check my schedule. That was a complete lie. I know exactly when I'm free to tutor Daisy. There's just something stopping me from saying it and I can't for the life of me figure it out.

The four of us reach the castle and come to a break in the corridors. Hamish and Daisy's common rooms are one way and James and mine are the other.

"I'll see you later, Lass." Hamish says, kissing me on the cheek. He turns and leaves before I can invite him to my common room. There's no way I want to be alone with James right now. I don't know if I should wait for him or start walking so I end up standing to the side, pretending to shuffle through my purse while secretly listening to their goodbye.

"Bye, James." Daisy says shyly.

"Bye, Daisy." James responds, his voice much less chipper than when they left the Three Broomsticks.

Daisy hovers for a moment waiting, I assume, for him to kiss her goodbye. But he doesn't and her face falls every so slightly. Is that how I look when I wait for the kiss from Hamish that has yet to come?

James starts walking so I throw a quick wave and a small smile to Daisy before following him.

"That wasn't very nice." I can't stop myself from saying.

"What?" He snaps.

"She wanted you to kiss her."

"Well I didn't. Despite what you may think, Evans, a bloke does have some say over who he does or does not kiss."

I frown and stare at my shoes. "I know that. Blokes call all the shots."

James barks a laugh. "That is most definitely _not_ true."

"So when did you decide to ask Daisy Collins out?" I hear myself ask.

"Why do you care?"

"I-I don't. I just find it weird that after rejecting her attention for so long you finally decide she's worth a proper date."

James shakes his head. "She asked me out."

"Oh. But you said yes?"

James sighs exasperatedly. "Why wouldn't I? It's not like I had anyone else to go with."

I didn't know what to say to that. James has never been one to care if he took anyone to Hogsmeade. He used to ask me every time one got close enough. But that all stopped when Hamish and I started going out. In some ways, I miss being the first person he thought of to ask. Now he doesn't really have that option.

"I guess you're right." I whisper.

"I would've asked you but I knew you'd probably say no." He admits in the same whisper I use. My heart flutters and I long to reach over and touch him.

I sigh loudly, frustrated. "James, you can't say things like that. Hamish is my _boyfriend_—"

"And Daisy could very well be my girlfriend!" he interjects heatedly. I don't say anything. He's right, of course. He's completely free to ask Daisy to be his girlfriend if he wants.

He hangs his head and rakes his hands through his hair. "But she's not and she never will be."

"Why not?" I breathe.

He fixes me with a sad stare that chills me. "Because it would be unfair of me to go out with her when I have feelings for somebody else."

My heart has stopped. I can't feel it beating anymore. No, that's a lie. It's beating so wildly I can feel its pounding in my ears. A thousand butterflies have erupted from their cocoons and are performing a choreographed dance in my stomach.

"James—" But nothing else comes out. I want him to kiss me again. I want him to hold my hand against his chest so I can feel the beating of his heart race mine. I want to tell him I'm happy he doesn't want to date Daisy because I don't think my heart could handle it if he did. But I don't know how to say those things to him.

So I say nothing and James says nothing and we walk in silence to our common room saying nothing. I run up to my room and lean against my closed door, my heart beating fast once again for a boy that is not my boyfriend. I'm not about to throw away my relationship with a good guy for James Potter, but right now, I kind of wish I would.

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello everyone! Thank you so much for all of your awesome reviews/favourites/alerts, they absolutely mean the world to me. Unfortunately no one has gotten the challenge I set last time (but I did get some great guesses). I'll give you a hint: it has nothing to do with the name "Adrian" itself. Hope that helps.  
I hope reading this chapter helps you lot like Hamish a little bit more. A lot of you guys don't seem to like him very much (totally understandable) but I don't want you guys hating him just yet. Give the guy a chance!  
Please continue to review and submit guesses. Until next time,_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: November, 26._


	6. Should've kissed you there

**Chapter Five: Should've kissed you there**

Weeks pass without a word about what James admitted to me being said. James and I are civil like always, but the friendship is gone. Every joke we've ever told, every smile we ever shared, has all gone to shite now. In prefect meetings and in front of our friends we act as if nothing happened and then alone we ignore each other completely. It's like the beginning of sixth year all over again when we were still tiptoeing around each other, gauging how far we can push things before one of us snapped. Only this time, I'm the one pushing harder and James is the one resisting. Apparently I hurt him right proper.

I was so convinced James was over me, if he had anything to get over in the first place. But he isn't over me, maybe he never was. He all but said it, after all. Even if I did kiss another bloke, Hamish would always be the one I chose. James knows that. Merlin, I wish this hadn't happened. I can't handle his feelings right now.

I haven't told Hamish about James and I and I don't think I ever will. I mean, everything's fine between us now…except for my little secret, of course. And James' glare every time he sees us together. But other than the under-the-surface stuff, everything's perfect. I'm no longer thinking about the kiss I haven't yet gotten—just the kiss I'll never get again—and with that out of the way, I can spend my time thinking about Hamish and what I can do to make our relationship stronger. I leave him alone when he wants to be alone and I'm there when he wants to be together.

I'm trying so hard to be the perfect girlfriend.

_But you shouldn't _have_ to try so hard._ Says the voice in my head.

I tell it to shut it up every time.

_You don't have to try with James._

It's right, of course. Everything is easier with James. But aren't relationships all about work? Working to make them work? I know Hamish isn't as perfect as I thought he was when we first started out, but I've invested too much time in our relationship to let him go now. That day in Hogsmeade, I could see why I've been fighting to stay with him for so long. He really is a decent bloke.

The third week of November arrives along with the first snowfall of the season. The trees are dusted in white and the grounds sparkle. It's beautiful and all I want to do is run outside and frolic. But Hamish hates the cold and when he sees it, he huffs and excuses himself to the library.

"Hamish, it's just a light snow. Let's go outside and muck around." I try to persuade him.

"Lily, you know how much I hate the cold. Besides, I have some reading to catch up on because _someone_ wanted to hangout and waste time last night."

I frown. Last night was the first night we'd spent just the two of us outside of the library in days. I'd only asked him because I didn't have patrols and I'd finished all my homework that day during free period. It was nice being with him without a barrier of books between us. We sat in my common room and talked until late—just before curfew. I can remember the feel of his arms around me and my head resting on his chest, his breathing in and out…it felt so nice. How could he just dismiss that?

"That's bullocks and you know it. How could I have finished my work in free period yesterday and you haven't? You study twice as much as I do."

"Maybe because I don't rush through things the way you do." Hamish retorts. The comment stings, but I stay quiet. He stands and leaves me all alone in the Great Hall.

My eyes fill with tears and I want to cry them all out right there. As much as I love Hamish, I hate feeling like there's some invisible barrier between us that's preventing us from getting any closer. It's not about snogging, not anymore, maybe it never really was. It's me feeling like I'm missing something.

"Lily, are you alright?" A voice that rips into my heart asks so tenderly.

I look up at James whose face looks alight with concern. He hasn't looked at me this way since our fight outside the library when he accused me of lying to myself. Which, right now, seems correct. Right now I want James to take me into his arms and hold me close against the howling winds. Hamish would want me to block the cold from him, but James—James would do anything to block any harm from reaching me.

"No, I'm not alright." I say honestly. He's alone for the first time in a while. We've been careful to make sure we're never alone together anymore. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of doing something I'll regret or if he's just too angry with me. Whatever it is, we're alone now.

James gives me a curious look. "I was just on my way outside…join me?"

I nod quickly and stand to join him. We walk together towards the entrance hall side by side the way we always do. It's so amicable, distant.

"Don't you need your cloak?" James asks before I can push open the door.

I shrug. "I guess…"

James sighs and transfigures a cloak for me. "I don't have time for you to mull over the decision."

"Why, where you going?" I ask, slipping the cloak around my shoulders.

"I need to get some stuff from the Forbidden Forest." He says casually, but I see him sneak a peak my way. My shoulders stiffen but I relax them.

"Okay, what are we getting?"

James watches me, gauging my reaction. "A case of butterbeer."

I nod. "Okay, let's go then."

"Really?" he asks sceptically.

I sigh. "I just want to go outside. Hestia is off in some broom cupboard with Sirius, as I'm sure you know, and Hamish is in the library."

"So I'm your last resort again, I see."

"And we're going back into the forest." I add.

We pause, both realizing what I've just said—acknowledging the scene of our first kiss. James clears his throat and I look away.

"Come on, then."

We walk in silence for a while, neither of us knowing exactly what to say. I sneak peaks at him, trying to get a good look. He's wearing a black cloak over what appears to be his school uniform—a little weird for a Saturday. He looks the same as he always does, same messy hair, same mischievous eyes behind his same rectangular glasses. But there's something different about him, too, and it's the fact that he's holding himself back from me. Before this whole debacle with the kiss happened, James and I were so natural together. Now it's stiff and wrong, like a shirt ironed with too much starch.

"What're you guys planning on doing with the butterbeer?" I ask, casually.

James snorts. "Like I'm about to disclose that information to the Head Girl."  
"You're Head Boy." I remind him.

"Yeah, but we both know I don't have a problem breaking rules."

"Touché, Mr Potter."

James flashes his old grin at me that sends a shock through my system. I almost forgot he could do that. I smile back at him, wanting to lean over and nudge him with my shoulder. But we're not quite there yet.

"So, are you going to tell me why you were so upset?" he asks, crossing his arms.

I frown. "It's nothing…really, it's stupid."

"Lily, you looked like you were about to burst into tears."

"I know. Its just…Hamish ditched me for the library—again. I know he hates the cold and I know school is really important to him, it's just; I wish sometimes he'd do things just because _I_ want to. Can't he brave the cold or trust that he'll get an O without spending hours redoing an assignment just once and put me first? I guess that sounds selfish of me, but I just want to know that I matter to him, y'know?" I say.

James sucks in a breath and I wonder if talking to him about this is insensitive of me. I mean, he did sort of admit to having feelings for me. Maybe I should've waited to pour my heart out to Hestia.

"You're not selfish, Lils. You're a neglected girlfriend, that's two completely different things. Selfish would be if you wanted those things _all the time_. You've put up with Hamish's bullshit long enough. A bloke should treat his girl to whatever she wants whenever she wants it, at least, a decent bloke should. I think you deserve everything you want and more. You want to play in the snow? Then—" James bends down and gathers a clod of snow in his hands.

"James—"

Before I can say anymore, James hurls the clod and hits me square in the face.

"_Potter_!" I screech.

James' roaring laugh echoes through the grounds. My cheeks burn with a raging fire and my vision flashes red. I'm going to _murder_ him. I bend and gather my own snowball to throw but when I stand again, another clod hits me. I chuck my snowball blindly and judging by James' laughter, it's nowhere near my target.

"I hate you!" I yell, scrambling around the shallow snow for enough to make another ball.

"_Can't—breathe_." James gasps. I wipe the melted snow from my eyes and see him clutching his sides.

"Fuck you, James Potter." I snarl, marching off in a random direction.

"Lily, Lily, wait!" James rushes after me and catches me around the waist. He picks me up and spins me around.

"Put me down!"

"I thought you wanted to have fun."

"Being assaulted by snowballs isn't fun." I snap.

"You love snowball fights." James says, putting me down in front of him.

I bite my lip. Its true, snowball fights are my favourite wintertime activity. When I was a kid, Petunia and I would always have snowball fights together. It was when we were happiest, I think. We'd go outside and pelt each other with snow and then trudge inside, my mum yelling at us for mucking up the house, with wind reddened cheeks and runny noses and big silly grins on our faces. Everything is better in the snow.

I look down and stare at his chest. My eyes have filled with tears again.

"Hey, hey, none of that. Okay?" James whispers, taking my hands in his.

I sniffle. "I don't know why I'm acting like this."

James sighs and pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me so that I'm snug against his chest. I wrap my arms around him, too, breathing him in. Safe in his arms, I break into a confused sob. I'm crying for everything I don't understand. My destroyed relationship with my sister, my complicated relationship with Hamish, my anxiety for a future outside of Hogwarts, and my mixed emotions for the boy holding me.

I finish my breakdown a moment later. I pull back and wipe the frozen tears from my face. Looking up at James, I see him looking at me cautiously.

"How you feeling, love?" he asks.

"Better, thanks."

James smiles at me. "Let's get that case of butterbeer, yeah?"

We walk together to the edge of the forest in silence, the only sound coming from the crunch of snow beneath our feet. I notice the atmosphere surrounding us is different. James is no longer holding himself back from me, nor I him. I think the friendship we almost lost has been restored somehow.

"Okay, it's around here somewhere." James says, running to a tree just inside the forest. "We buried it here at the beginning of the year."

"Why here?" I ask. "I thought you guys were connected to Hogsmeade."

"Yeah, but we can't risk leaving the grounds all the time. It's safer to keep a stalk here just in case."

"Of course it is."

"Sirius marked it with a claw scratch on the base of one of these trees, can you help me find it?"

I look around a little but don't notice any sort of strategic animalistic markings. "I don't think it's—"

"Found it!" James calls, already using his wand to clear the dirt covering it. "I brought the cloak to bring it back under. I'll carry it, but I'm gonna need you to act as a look out."

"Why, it's not like anyone can see you."

"Yeah, but just in case. And I'll need you to open doors for me, too. The case is pretty heavy."

"What were you gonna do if I didn't come?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Probably would've taken a secret passage back. But those take too long."

"Oh. So are you gonna tell me what why you need butterbeer in the first place?"

"I don't know, the lads and I just felt like a few drinks tonight."

"Rough week?"

"I suppose."

We fall silent. James slips under the cloak and we walk back to the castle together. Once safely inside our common room, James sheds his cloak and stands awkwardly by his staircase.

"Thanks for your help." He says.

"Ditto." I answer blushingly.

James flashes a quick grin. "Never a problem."

He turns to leave when I catch his sleeve. "James—I'm sorry for, I don't know, whatever it is that has come between us. But if you're willing, I'd love to put it behind us and move forward together as friends. We're better that way."

James looks at me with stormy eyes, then he blinks and they're clear again. "Sure, Lily. Whatever you want. I'll see you later for patrols, yeah?"

I nod and he's gone.

At dinner I sit alone with Hestia. The marauders—meaning Sirius—are not joining us tonight which means we're alone for once. Lately, Hestia and I haven't been very close. She's always off somewhere with Sirius or one of the other girls in our year. I guess now that we don't share a room she's more inclined to being friends with the others. I don't mind her broadening her horizons; I just miss her sometimes. Especially times like today when I'm utterly confused about everything.

"Wait, say that one more time." She says after I finish a long rant of everything I've been feeling.

"Say what again?" Thinking she wants me to retell my epic tale.

"The part with you and James in a tree. What happened again?" She asks with an evil grin.

"Oh…we, um, kissed."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me, you nasty bint!" Hestia reaches over and smacks my arm.

I shrug and grin sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I just thought it would be better if I forgot about it. Telling you would've made it all too real. I didn't think I was ready for that."

"And what, now you are? Oh my Godric, Lily, you're so in love with James! I knew you two would get together eventually!" Hestia gushes.

"What? No! Hestia, I'm not in love with James. That's what I'm trying to sort out. Yes, I kissed him and yes, I kinda liked it…but I'm with Hamish. He's the one I _want_ to be with and I'm determined to make it work."

"But Hamish is so boring!" Hestia whines.

I roll my eyes. "That's not the point. Look, Hamish and I have been together for much too long to just give up now. Just because James is around doesn't mean I should bail on a perfectly good relationship for him."

"But it isn't a perfectly good relationship, Lily. Why can't you see that Hamish doesn't treat you the way a boyfriend of nine months should? I mean not to reopen wounds but he hasn't even _kissed_ you yet! Maybe you've moved on from that since your little songfest with James, but I haven't. Just because you've been together for a long time doesn't mean you have to stay together."

"But then all the time we were together would've been for nothing."

"_So what?"_ Hestia asks exasperatedly. "Are you planning on marrying him, then?"

"No—"

"Exactly! Merlin's beard, Lily, you are so thick. Even the fact that he's _okay_ with you kissing another bloke is a red flag. He should've been enraged and threatened, at least!"

I blush and look away. "Well…I haven't told him yet."

Hestia freezes with her mouth open wide. "What? You haven't told him yet?"

"Well, I told you I wanted to forget it. It was a one time thing, I wasn't about to make a big deal out of it and have Hamish be pissed off of something that meant nothing."

Hestia's face softens and her eyes look sad. "Can you honestly say it meant nothing?"

I look back at her, completely at a loss for words. What kind of question is that? Of course it meant nothing…didn't it?

"The fact that it's taking you so long to answer says it all, Lils. I think you ought to listen to your heart a little more often than that brain of yours. I think you'll find it's much smarter." With that, Hestia excuses herself from the table and heads to, I assume, the Gryffindor common room to hang out with her roommates.

I check my watch and see that I have a few hours before I have to meet James for patrols. So I head for my room in a haze, not really thinking about anything. I want to think about Hamish and all the reasons that staying with him is a good idea, but my mind keeps changing Hamish to James and the reasons are all wrong. James is my friend, I have to remind myself, and there's nothing between us I want to pursue.

In my room I sit at my desk and stare at my Potions textbook until the words blur and I can't tell if I'm looking at the instructions for Draught of Living Death or Felix Felicis. Finally I resign to sending a letter to my mum whom I haven't spoken to in ages. When I was in first year I used to send her a note every week just to let her know I was okay. Now, seven years later, I'm lucky if I remember even once a month. I guess that's what happens when you grow up.

But there's not much I can tell her, I realize. I love her, but my mum is still my mum and there are just certain things you don't tell your mum. Boy troubles, for instance. I mean, some girls do—Petunia, for example—but I don't. Wizard boys just aren't the same as Muggle boys. And there's only so much you can say about school, especially when your mum doesn't understand anything about the work you do.

"Lily!" A voice calls from the common room. "Are you up there? We have patrols, remember?" James yells, calling me from my thoughts.

I look down at the half-written note and then glance at my watch. How did I go from having too much time before I had to meet James to being late?

I scramble down the stairs to find him sitting with his mates in front of the fire. Sirius and Peter are laughing uproariously while Remus shakes his head, an easy grin on his face. James looks only mildly amused like he's the cause of their laughter. I, like much of the population at Hogwarts, love watching the Marauders interact with each other. They have such an easy, natural, _unconditional_ friendship that every single one of us is jealous of.

"What's the joke?" I ask, coming down the stairs.

James jumps up and ruffles his hair. "Nothing." He says quickly which sends the boys into another round of giggles, even Remus joins in. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah, I guess." I say, flashing a nervous grin at the rest of the lads. "Am I missing something?"

"Nah, Prongs was just telling us about a new venture he's thinking of." Sirius says through a laugh.

"A bad idea for a prank?" I ask, hazarding a guess.

Sirius looks about to answer when James cuts him off. "We really should be going."

"Okay." I tell him. I look to his friends. "You boys should be going, too. You know the rules, no hanging out in our common room without one of us here."

"Relax, Lily-kins, we're going." Peter says. "You'd want it to be empty for when you get back."

"What?" I ask with furrowed brows.

James hits him on the shoulder. "Ignore him, that's what I always do."

The five of us exit the room and we part at the end of the hall. We watch the three of them shove each other and carry on until they're out of sight.

"You four are adorable." I say, walking ahead of James.

"Thanks, I think."

"I'm serious, I wish I had friends like yours."

"What about Hestia?"

"Hestia is my best friend…but not like Sirius, Remus and Peter are your best friends. I guess I never really had a relationship like yours. I like seeing you guys together, it makes me happy." I admit wistfully.

"You know, you're practically a Marauder yourself. Merlin knows you hang out with us enough." James laughs.

"Is that a complaint, Potter?"

"Not at all, Evans. I'm just saying…we're your friends like that."

I flash a quick smile that I know doesn't reach my eyes. "Then will you tell me what you lot were laughing at when I came down?"

James groans. "How did I not see that one coming?" He runs his fingers through his hair a couple times looking tortured. "They were teasing me—about you." He admits.

My mouth snaps shut. That wasn't what I was expecting. "Wh-why would they be teasing you about me?"

"They think it's funny that we're not even dating and I'm already whipped." He says bitterly.

"Oh…" I say. I'm not sure how to proceed. What am I supposed to say to something like that?

"Forget it, it's stupid. The lads can't seem to get it through their blasted heads that you and I are just friends and that's all we'll ever be." James sighs. "I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable. I know Hamish is the only bloke for you."

"You really think friends is all we'll ever be?" I ask. It's the only thing that's registered.

"I mean, I've accepted it. You've made it abundantly clear and I guess I have to stop trying with you."

"You're still trying?" I say, again latching onto the only thing I hear.

"Not anymore, no. Lily, are you okay?"

I'm not okay. Why must I have all these bloody confusing feelings. Why must I be a human female with emotions pouring out of me at all times. Why can't I be like Hamish and mask every ounce of emotion I feel?

"Yeah," I respond faintly. "Let's get on with it…"

We walk through the corridors with ghostlike silence. I'm afraid I might've ruined it, the camaraderie we'd just gotten back. James doesn't even look at me throughout the entire time we're together. We catch only a few little rascals running about but other than that, the castle is quiet. For the first time since we've become friends the silence between us is awkward and it's _killing_ me.

"James," I say when we get back to the common room. I'm standing by my staircase and he's standing next to me, watching me curiously. "For the record, I don't think you're whipped."

I start up the stairs to my room not looking back at James who is still standing at the bottom. I'm afraid that if I look into his eyes I won't be able to stop myself from doing something I'll regret.

"Lily," James calls softly to me, trying to bring me back.

All of a sudden, the step beneath my foot gives way and I'm falling backwards. The berk placed a foot on the stairs causing them to turn into a slide. Damn the stupid charm I placed on it however many nights ago, real smooth.

I tumble back and brace myself for the impact. I squeeze my eyes shut when gentle hands grab my waist and steadies me against a sold surface. James has caught me—I mentally roll my eyes, it's so like him not to fall. I look up at him; acutely aware that my hands are placed flat on his chest and that our faces are so close together, our breaths mingling between us.

"Sorry," James breathes but makes no attempt to let go of me.

"I've got to take that bloody charm off." I mutter, still staring at his hazel eyes.

I feel his chest rumble against my hands as he chuckles at my offhand joke. "Yeah, that'd be good." He says.

I look away from him, pleased with myself for making the joke and perhaps lightening the heat that has risen to my cheeks. But all too quickly my blush comes back when James ducks his head down so that our faces are barely an inch apart. I feel his nose brush my cheek and his lips hover over mine. I close my eyes without thinking, waiting.

My lips tingle with anticipation; I can almost feel our mouths brushing—

James pulls back, his hands still on my hips holding me away from him. Making sure I'm steady on my feet, he lets go and turns away so quickly I can't see his face.

"I'll, uh, see you tomorrow. G'night Lily."

I stare after him as he high-tails it to his own staircase and up to his room. Feeling utterly gobsmacked and slightly rejected, I too turn and climb (which is difficult because the stairs are still a slide) up to my room.

What just happened?

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello all! First, I'd like to start by congratulating Nelly94 and howzat15 for figuring out how I came up with James' middle name. The correct answer was Adrian Rawlins, the actor who plays James Potter in the movies. So true to my word, you two lovely readers get to submit a name (first and last), gender, house and age for a character each. I wouldn't mind a brief explanation of why you chose your names, either. Just PM me and I'll get on working them into the story. Congratulations, again!_

_Anyway, I hope the rest of you lot enjoyed this chapter enough for a review. Thanks to everyone who read, favourited, subscribed and reviewed last time. It really means a lot. _

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: December, 10._


	7. Last first kiss

**Chapter Six: Last first kiss**

I've made the decision to tell Hamish about James and my kiss. I don't care what it does to us; I just need it out in the open. Maybe Hamish will find it in his heart to forgive me, maybe we can use this a way to get closer. I mean, he was so torn up all those weeks ago in the Astronomy Tower at the thought of losing me…maybe this kiss will make him realize how close he actually is. I am so sick of lying, to Hamish, to James, to Hestia and to myself.

Because the truth is, I do have feelings for James. Strong ones that I just can't ignore anymore. He's been there; every minute of every day since I was eleven and it's about time I recognize his presence. I'm afraid of what my feelings for him will do to me if it goes on unacknowledged. I'm afraid of acting on them…and I'm afraid not to.

So on the morning of our ten-month mark, I seek out Hamish in the Ravenclaw common room. Since James and my encounter on the stairs a few weeks ago, I've been turning it around in my head the best way to tell Hamish the truth, and now, finally, I've decided. I just have to come straight out with it.

I'm walking to Ravenclaw tower, my head in the clouds, when I bump into a person walking in the opposite direction.

"Oof—sorry." I say automatically.

"Careful there, Evans." Severus Snape's cool voice tells me. His hands grip my arms, steadying me from falling and I feel a coldness creep up my back. I haven't been so close to Severus in a long time and recently I've been seeing him around a lot more. I wonder vaguely again what he would think about me kissing James. He'd be crushed obviously, but it's more than that. Kissing James feels like a betrayal to everything we shared and even though it's all gone now, it still feels wrong.

"You can let go now, Snape." I say harshly.

His hands jump off of me instantly. "Sorry," he mutters.

"I wish that were true." I whisper softly.

The truth is, I miss him sometimes. Severus was the one person I thought would always be there for me. He was with me when I found out I was a witch and he'd stood by me through every good and bad moment since. But they say it's the choices we make that define us and if that's true, then Severus Snape is not the kind of person I want to know. He chose to shun me that day by the lake and he chose to become like his Death Eater cronies. He chose his path, I chose mine and there's no going back from here.

"Lily—"

"I have somewhere I need to be." I cut him off and push past. I don't have time to listen to one of his desperate pleas and I certainly don't have time to listen to anything bad he has to say about the Marauders.

I reach Ravenclaw tower and knock deftly on the door.

"Hey Evans!" Brody Camden says loudly upon seeing me. Hamish's best friend, he's always been very enthusiastic about our relationship. Unlike Hamish's cliché Ravenclaw mind-set, Brody has always been much more relaxed with his schoolwork and encourages my impulsiveness to "lighten Hamish up".

"Brody!" I say with as much gusto. "Is Hamish around?"

"Sure is. He's a pretty popular bloke today." I cock my head to the side questioningly. "Snape was just here a moment ago."

I think back to my brief conversation with Snape just minutes before. "Oh yeah?"

"Mhm. dunno what for, though."

"Oh. Well can you get Hamish for me, please, I need to speak with him."

"Uh-oh, s'he in trouble?"

"No, no, nothing like that." I say with small smile.

"Alright, hold on." He disappears and within minutes, Hamish is standing before me, tugging on his fringe in the way I used to find so dishy and staring at me with his wide aqua green eyes.

"Lass?" he greets. "What's wrong?"

"How do you know I didn't just want to see you?" I snap, although I probably shouldn't.

Hamish folds his arms over his chest. "Because you know I'm not to be bothered when I'm studying."

"You'll want to be bothered by this, I think." I take his elbow and lead him to a discrete alcove. "Look, I'm just gonna come out with it. I kissed James…in October. I just—I thought you should know. I don't want this to break us apart, but it's tearing me up inside and I needed to let you know. I-I want to be with you, Hamish, I hope you can forgive me."

"James Potter?" He asks, incredulously.

"Yes, Hamish. Look, I know it's a shock and completely out of nowhere but it meant nothing. It was just one kiss and I promise it'll never ever happen again. I swear to you, Hamish, I don't know what else I can—"

"Just stop. You-you kissed James _Potter_?" He asks again with the same surprised expression.

"Y-yes?" I say timidly.

"I can't believe this." He laughs without humour. "I mean, I can, but…_shit_."

"Hamish?" I say softly. "I'm sorry."

Hamish trains his eyes on me coldly. But the coolness of them looks forced, almost like he's already forgiven me and is trying to seem upset because that's what he thinks he's supposed to do.

"I can't talk to you about this right now, Lass. I-I need some space to process this. I'll talk to you later." He says and leaves me standing alone.

"Hamish!" I call after him, fearing what time will do to his decision.

But he doesn't turn. He disappears through the doorway of Ravenclaw Tower looking worried and distraught.

I walk away from the closed door without really knowing what I'm supposed to do. I just told my boyfriend, whom I'm sure I still love, that I cheated on him. My boyfriend, to whom I just confessed to cheating on, has left me in need of space to process my devastating news. What's a bird to do with that?

"Lily?" A voice to my right asks me, calling me from the fog inside my head. I look to see that I'm in a passage James once showed me during patrols and that the voice belongs to Remus, who is sitting on the floor with a book in his hand.

"Remus? What're you doing here?" I ask, shaking my head.

"I should ask you the same thing; I didn't even know you knew about this passage, though I'm sure Prongs is the reason." He laughs. "The lads don't usually use this one and no one else knows of it so it's a nice quiet place to read…Hey, are you okay?"

"I-I don't really know, I think so."

"Fancy a chat?"

"Sure," I smile, sitting down beside him. "Y'know, you shouldn't read with such poor light. It's murder for your eyes."

Remus shrugs. "I _nox-_ed my wand when I heard you coming. You seemed pretty out of it…what's on your mind?"

"I just told Hamish something—that I'm sure you already know about—and I think…I think it might be the end of us." I say glumly even though I know it might be for the better despite my feelings for him.

"Something that be the end of you two…ah, Prongs did mention something rather curious a few moons ago."

"Yeah…I figured he would." I roll my eyes fondly.

"Well, you can't blame the bloke. He'd been waiting for such an occasion since we were eleven—though he only realized how much he wanted it since fourth year. He did ask me to help arrange the evening, and I promise the kiss wasn't part of the plan—just a fortunate surprise. Fortunate for him, of course."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Remus…I always thought James was over whatever crush he had on me. I-I never imagined him to have real feelings for me. He knows how I feel about Hamish and he knows how I feel about him…"

"How _do_ you feel about him, Lily? Because it seems to me that Prongs acts like more of a boyfriend to you than Hamish ever has."

"You're his mate—"

"Bullocks. You know it's true."

"Hamish loves me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Enough to stay with you after kissing another bloke?"

I falter at that. It's the burning question, isn't it?

"James and I are friends…he knows that."

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes, I mean, I don't know. I think so. It's complicated."

Remus shakes his head. "Birds are complicated. Look, I'm team Prongs all the way so this might seem biased, but I don't think it's fair to stay with Hamish if you _might_ have feelings for Prongs. No bloke deserves that."

"What are you saying? That I should break up with Hamish just because I don't hate James anymore?"

Remus glances at me clearly annoyed. "You keep playing down your feelings for him like they're nothing. I'm not the only one who's noticed the way you look at him has changed. You might think you want to make it work with Hamish, but is that really fair to _any_ of you?"

"I love Hamish." I say determinedly.

Remus shrugs. "Okay, Lily. Just think about what I said."

He pats my knee twice and picks up his book again. How many times have I been brushed off for a book recently? Ah, I can't think negatively of Hamish. He's a good guy, a shitty boyfriend most of the time, but good nonetheless. It kills me, but Remus is right. He doesn't deserve me for a girlfriend. I have thoughts about James that no taken girl should all the time now, if I'm being honest.

But Remus is wrong about breaking up with him. Hamish is studious and polite and has a bright future ahead of him. Maybe Hestia was right when she said I was gonna marry him. Maybe I will.

O.o

I sit in my common room waiting for James to come back from Quidditch practice so we can start our patrols. Every word Remus said to me this afternoon still rings in my ear and I can't seem to shake him no matter how hard I try. But I…I can't love James the way he and the Marauders and Hestia want me to. I don't know why, but I can't.

The door swings open and James trudges in looking rather windswept and dishy with red cheeks and sweat clinging robes.

I gulp.

"Hey, James." I squeak.

"Hey, Lils. Sorry, practice ran overtime. I ran here as quickly as I could. Give me ten minutes to shower and then we can go."

"Yeah, take your time." I call after him.

He disappears up the stairs to his room and I have to burry my head under a throw cushion to stop myself from screaming.

_ What the actual fuck?_ That pesky voice in my head screams. _That bloke is the fittest man on the planet and you're with Sir Kiss-Me-Not. You're smarter than this Lily Evans, come on. Make the right choice for once._

"Shut up." I mutter to myself. "I have a boyfriend…and I love him."

But the _him_ is unclear right now.

"Lily?" James says, running down the stairs shaking the water from his hair like a dog. "I'm ready."

"Great." I stand and smooth my skirt—which is admittedly shorter than I usually make it.

I follow James from the tower to the third floor where we're scheduled to do our patrols today. James runs his fingers through his hair, messing it up and effectively ridding it of water at the same time.

James looks over at me and laughs having caught me staring at him. "Do I have something on my face?" he asks with a grin.

I blush so hard I'm afraid I'll combust. "Actually, yeah." I say, catching a smudge of soap he forgot to wash out of his hair. I step towards him and brush it out for him with my fingers.

"Thanks," He breathes. He's so close I feel his breath warm and sweet on my cheeks. They flare even brighter.

"No problem." I say softly back. I take a rather large step back from him and start down the corridor again.

"So, I've started on the planning for the Inter-house Quidditch match."

"Good to know you're taking initiative."

"Thanks, it's really coming along. I still need your help with most of the planning, but in terms of the actual game, I've got it covered."

I smile at him and he smiles back.

"James," I say, making a conscious decision. "I need to tell you something."

"Yes?" he asks, wide-eyed and hopeful.

I take a deep breath. "I told Hamish about our kiss…"

James sucks in a breath. "Really? How'd he, um, take it?"

"Not very well. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me." I say in a voice less sad than I feel.

"Oh. Does this mean—"

"James, I'm gonna try to make him understand. What happened between us—it was special for me, and I want you to know that because you were my first I'll always have a special connection to you. But it doesn't change anything, I still choose Hamish. I just thought you should know…and I hope you can understand."

James' jaw tightens visibly. "Of course I do." He says stiffly. "I've come to peace with your decision a long time ago, Lily, and I respect it. Hamish is your boyfriend—he treats you like shit—but you love him. I can't stand in your way."

"Oh James, I know you think he's not good enough for me or whatever, but I-I realize there's more important things to a relationship than just kissing and holding hands and being physical. Like commitment, to each other and to our futures."

James doesn't say anything, but his body isn't as relaxed as it was before. I wasn't planning on saying anything to James about telling Hamish the truth, but once I did, it seemed like the right decision. Now, I'm thinking not so much. Why do I always do the wrong thing?

We walk in silence with a good length between us. I want to bridge the gap that's suddenly appeared, but I don't know how. James and I—we're complicated. That seems to be the only word I know to use anymore. It was so much easier when Severus and I were friends and I could hate him with a blind passion. Friendship, although wonderful, has opened me up to a whole host of new emotions I never wanted to feel for the messy haired git. I don't know when it happened, these past few months have flown by so quickly, but somewhere down the line James wormed his way into my heart and I hate that I'm just accepting that now.

Up ahead there's a light on in a classroom I know should be empty. There are no detentions tonight and none of the professors have offices in this part of the school which means only one thing: students. James and I look at each other and instantly we're in Head mode and any tension between us melts away.

As we get closer I can hear muffled conversation, though I can't distinguish voices or even how many there are. I am so busy trying to make out what they're saying I don't realize I'm walking crookedly until I step on James' foot.

"_Ow!_" He yells loud enough that the voices are instantly cut off. "Good bloody job, Evans. You just blew our cover." James hisses.

I ignore him and push open the door to the classroom. "Freeze!" I yell.

The door bangs against the wall to reveal Hamish standing frozen in the middle of the room looking shocked to see me.

I'm sure my expression is much the same.

"Finlay." James says coming up behind me. The tone of his voice tells me his expression is one much less friendly than he uses with other students we find out of bed.

"Potter. I see you're out with my girlfriend again." Hamish snaps coolly.

"We're patrolling." James says, ice cold.

"I'm surprised you haven't swept her into some broom cupboard yet." Hamish retorts.

"Hello, I am right here." I say calling both of their attention. "Hamish, there's no need to be so rude. I know you're upset with me, but you _are_ out of bed after curfew."

"Not so keen on me roaming the halls with you and your _friend_ on the loose, are you?"

"That's not fair."

"What's your problem, Finlay?" James asks accusingly.

"_You_ are, Potter. You think you can just kiss my girlfriend and act all smug and righteous. How can you stand there knowing you kissing another bloke's _girl_?"

"It's not like you we're getting around to it." James says with an edge.

"Why you—"

"Enough, both of you." I say, standing between them. "Look, Hamish, I told you there is nothing going on between James and I. It was one kiss…can't you just let it go?" I plead.

"And how am I supposed to ever trust you again, Lily? I'm always going to wonder—"

"You _know_ me, Hamish. You know I'd never intentionally hurt you like that. Don't you think if I wanted to cheat on you I would've done it by now, I mean, James and I are living together!"

"Exactly, dammit! You guys are bloody _living together_. What am I supposed to do knowing that at any minute something could be going on and I'd never know? I was completely blind sided when you told me about your kiss. _Completely_. I never would've imagined you could do that to me…" I stop and stare at my shoes, which have gotten extremely interesting in the past five seconds. His Scottish accent is so thick I find myself lost in his words. Everything he's saying is right.

"Hamish—"

"And that makes me wonder _why_ you chose to tell me at all. After all these months you said nothing, so why now?"

That stops me. Why now, indeed? Is it that the guilt has built itself up inside of me so much I can't bare it any longer or was it fear, fear that I might turn this one time thing into something more?

"I needed to be honest with you." I tell him, hoping it's enough. I look to James and see him staring intently into a corner cast in dark shadow. My demons are lurking there, too.

After what seems an eternity of silence, Hamish turns to me with sad eyes. "Maybe I can forgive you, Lily. But on one condition."

"Anything."

He looks at James and sneers. "You stay away from Potter. Besides Prefect meetings, you aren't to be around him. Schedule patrols with other people if you have to, use the Gryffindor common room if you must. I don't want you friends with him in case something like this happens again. I don't trust _him_ not to make a move on you."

"W-what?" I stutter. "St-stay away from James?"

The air in the room feels thick in my throat and my breathing becomes restricted. I think of what my life would be like without James in it. Everything seems grey all of a sudden, and cold. To never laugh at one of his silly jokes, to never yell at him for a stupid prank, to never sneak down to the kitchens while we're supposed to be patrolling, to never talk with him about my life as a Muggleborn or life after Hogwarts, to never have another snowball fight, it's inconceivable. James is too much a part of me to let go of. Would giving all that up really help my relationship with Hamish? Would it even be worth it?

_Never_.

For once I agree.

"You heard me." Hamish says with his arms crossed deftly across his chest.

"Lily,"

"Shut up, Potter."

"No."

"What?" They both ask.

"I'm not gonna stop being friends with James because you are insecure about our relationship." I say.

"I have reason to be. You _kissed_ him, Lily."

"Because you wouldn't pluck up the courage to kiss me yourself, you twat!" I snarl fiercely. "A-at least James had the nerve. Which reminds me, you never answered _my_ question of _why_ you wouldn't kiss me. I'm sick of your excuses, Hamish, and I'm sick of making excuses for why you're such a shit boyfriend. I'm sorry I hurt you, I truly am, but J-James is my _friend_ and I can't help it if that scares you. I won't stay away from him just because you tell me to. If it's a deal breaker, then so be it. I refuse to stay away from hi—"

Hamish's lips being crushed onto mine effectively cuts off my sentence. The kiss is wet and sloppy and rushed, the complete opposite of the one James gave me. Even though it's crazy, I can't help compare the two. It barely even registers that this is the moment I've been waiting for, for ten months. Hamish's hands are clammy on my face and my arms stay limp at my side. I don't even have time to consider responding before he pulls back, red faced and panting hard.

"There, Lily. I kissed you, are you happy now?"

I glance at James to see him staring wide-eyed and slightly disgusted by the sight before him. Seeing him standing there, looking gutted, my eyes fill with tears. I don't think, I just run. My vision is blurry and I ignore Hamish's voice calling after me. I hear footsteps behind me and I know they belong to James. But I don't stop. I keep running even though I haven't a clue where I'm going. Somehow I find myself at Gryffindor Tower and I bolt inside, past the still packed common room, in search of the only person I can stand to see. Hestia, thank Godric, is alone in her room.

"Lils?" She asks, seeing my blotchy, tearstained face. "What happened?"

I shake my head and collapse on her bed. I burry my face in her pillow and allow myself to weep so violently, I shake. Hestia sits down next to me, cooing softly, and strokes my hair.

"Baby girl," she whispers.

"Hest," I sniff. "I finally got the kiss I've been wishing for…and it's nothing like I imagined it to be."

O.o

When I finally calm down Hestia hands me a towel and I wipe my face dry. I feel so incredibly drained all I want to do is crawl into bed with my biggest sweater and fall into a deep sleep. Just to escape the madness going on in my head right now.

"Lily, are you going to explain to me what's happened now?" Hestia asks gently.

"Hestia, I've mucked it all up. Hamish…James…everything. I told James—oh Godric, _James!_" I say, remembering the look on his face when Hamish kissed me. He probably thinks…I don't know what he must think. But I'm not supposed to care, am I? What about Hamish? Why wasn't his reaction to my running away the first one I thought of?

"Okay, Lily, let's just get you to your room. We'll figure it all out there." Hestia tries to pull me up but I resist.

"James'll probably be waiting for me in the common room."

"But the others will be along soon. Do you really want them to see you like this?"

That gets me up. I follow Hestia out the room and into the corridor. "I'll stay with you tonight if you want me to." She says.

"Yes, please." I can't imagine being alone right now.

We creep silently to my dormitory, wary of anything that might get us caught. In truth, I'm looking for Hamish. Just to see if he cares enough to be looking me. But we don't meet anyone on our way. I mutter the password softly and the door swings open to a darkened common room except for the light of the fireplace, flickering slightly. James is nowhere in sight.

"Coast is clear." Hestia says in a louder voice than I would've liked.

"Come on," I grab her arm and pull her towards my staircase quickly. We've made it halfway up when James' voice cuts through the silence.

"Lily? Lily, I need to talk to you!" James' footsteps pound on the floor as he runs towards us. I don't turn, instead, I close my eyes and will myself to draw every ounce of Gryffindor courage I have in me.

"I don't want to talk to you, James." I say as cuttingly as I can.

"Lily, I don't care. You need to listen to me."

"James, just lay off for a bit. Okay?" Hestia says before I can say something I'll regret. She doesn't wait for his response; she places a hand on my back and gives me a push start.

Once in my room I collapse onto my bed and pull the blanket over my head.

"Lily, you need to explain to me everything. What's going on with you?"

"Hest, I don't know. I don't even know where to start."

"You said you finally got the kiss you've been wishing for and it was nothing like you expected it to be…What happened? Did Hamish kiss you?"

"Yes." I say quietly. "James and I were patrolling tonight and I told him that I told Hamish about our kiss and that Hamish is beyond pissed at me and I think he might not forgive me. But when I told him I wanted to make Hamish understand that there's nothing between us, James got upset. Anyway, we found Hamish talking to himself in a classroom and then he and James started going at it, arguing about James' and my kiss. Hamish told me that he'd only forgive me if I stopped being friends with James…But I couldn't, y'know? James and I—we're complicated. So I was telling Hamish that I wouldn't stay away from James just because he's insecure when he kissed me."

"But that's good, isn't it? You wanted Hamish to kiss you and now that he has, maybe he'll start acting like a proper boyfriend."

"I know—I know I should be jumping up and down right now. But Hestia, for a second there, I accepted the death of our relationship. For a moment, I put my friendship with James over Hamish's feelings. I shouldn't do that. I don't like James."

"Lily, you keep saying that but who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself? I think you're scared that being without Hamish would mean you're free to be _with_ James. It keeps coming back to that, you and James together. He's ready, why aren't you?"

"Because I love Hamish."

"You love Hamish, but are you _in_ love with him? There's a big difference, Lil."

"I know there is."

"I know, I know, I know. That's all I'm hearing from you, but you don't really seem to. I'm sorry if I'm being mean but you need to open your eyes and figure out what's really happening. I know you and Hamish have been going for a long time and I get that it's hard for you to let your fantasy with him go. But you need to become aware of the reality that Hamish _really is_ a shit boyfriend. You need to believe it because it's true. You've spent all this time whining about him not kissing you and when he finally does, you're crying that it's not like you wanted." She says, not unkindly. I appreciate the effort she's making to be patient. And she's right; kissing Hamish made me realize that he's not the bloke I want to kiss.

"I'm sorry, I-I don't know what I'm feeling right now."

"Confused." Hestia sighs. "Perfectly reasonable. Go to sleep, Lils, everything will seem clearer in the morning."

Hestia transfigures my desk chair into a cot and snuggles in. I follow suit, cuddling into the jumper I had my first kiss in and drawing the covers up to my chin.

_"This could be it."_ I hear Hestia mumble in her sleep. _"Lily might finally give James the chance we've all be waiting for."_

* * *

**A/N: **_Hello you lovely readers, you. I hope you enjoyed the drama packed 6th chapter. I certainly had fun writing this one. So much got finished, phew. Okay so first thing's first: can my contest winners Nelly94 and howzat15 please submit their character names? I really want to start working them into the story. The deadline for submission is going to be January 1st, so please get it in on time.  
Secondly, I think it's important for everyone to understand that in writing the story, I'm already about 5 chapters ahead. I have a plan, people, and it's being followed. Just thought you should know in case you have any predictions/suggestions for the future of the story.  
Thirdly (and perhaps most __importantly), I'd like to say a massive thank you to all of you for reading/favouriting/subscribing/reviewing. It means so much more to me than you can possibly imagine. So keep it up! I hope I can keep delivering chapters worthy of your comment._

_-FallingForFootie._

_Next Chapter: December, 24._


	8. I never wanna kiss you again

**Chapter Seven: I never wanna kiss you again**

Hestia is nowhere in sight when I wake up. Her cot is back to its original chair-y state and I'm beginning to wonder if it was all just a dream. I bring my fingers to my lips thinking Hamish never kissed me at all. But he did and with that kiss came the realization that what we had might never have really been at all. I need to tell Hamish that we're over before I loose whatever sense Hestia knocked into me.

I stand and stretch until my back cracks. I look around this room that so much has happened in, so much that has changed my life. I made the decision to follow James around the castle that night; I made the decision to stay with Hamish; I told Hestia about my feelings all right here. And now I'm making the decision to end my relationship with my boyfriend whom I thought I loved.

I finish my morning routine and rummage around my desk for the library book that I know is due today. There, next to my inkpot is the half written note to my mother that I'd been working on so many nights ago. I haven't talked to my mother since before James and my kiss. That was almost two months ago. And even though I'll be seeing her in a couple weeks when I go home for Christmas Holidays, I still feel like I need to talk to her. She is my mother and even if I can't tell her exactly what is wrong, I can at least tell her something.

So I take a moment out of my worrying to scrawl a note to my mother, just to tell her I love her. If I get out of this mess with Hamish and James unscathed, that would be a miracle. I just have this overwhelming need to feel my mother close.

_Mum,_ I write, discarding the note I'd already started.

_I'm sorry I haven't written in quite a while. I've been very busy with school and friends and a whole lot of wizard drama. Surprisingly, it's not unlike Muggle drama at all. I miss you, though, and I can't wait to come home for the Hols. I need a break from this world, mum. Much to Petunia's delight, I'm sure. Send her some love for me and make sure to take some for yourself._

_-Lily._

I fold the note and slip it into my pocket. I'll stop by the Owlry before I go to down for breakfast. From my view at the top of my staircase I see an empty common room but I'm still wary. It was empty last night, too. Silently, I creep down the stairs, wincing when one step creaks.

I don't really know why I'm avoiding James right now; all I know is that I feel I should. He hasn't done anything wrong, I know that, but I feel angry with him. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have doubted my relationship with Hamish and I wouldn't be having these feelings that are so unlike me. I mean, he's James _Potter_. No matter how much he changes that never will and I need to remember that.

"Lily!" James calls the second my feet hit the ground.

Ignoring him, I make a dash towards the door.

"Lily, please, just wait. I need to talk to you."

"I-I'm in a hurry." I stutter, slamming the door behind me. I'm scared he'll try to follow me, but he doesn't. I head straight towards the Owlry and lean against the cool stone walls. My face had started to burn and flush at James' presence. Why must he have this effect on me? How could I have lost perspective on who he is. He ruined my relationship with Hamish, this is all his fault.

I send my note away with one of the school's owls (I refuse to interact with those beasts any more than I have to). The bird and my note get farther away with every beat of its wings and it makes me sad. I wish I could fly away.

O.o

"Lily!"

I cringe internally thinking it's James again but Hestia is waving me towards her. She's alone at the table and I can only hope she isn't waiting for someone and his friends. I sit in front of her and force a small smile.

"Where were you this morning?" I ask.

"I had to sneak back to my dorm, but that's not important. What did you do to James?" She asks, a scowl on her face.

"Nothing," I defend. "I haven't even spoken to him."

"Exactly! Dammit, Lily, he looks like he's about to _explode_. I thought you were ready to do something about this whole being-with-the-wrong-bloke thing. You were supposed to talk to him."

"Hestia, I know you were hoping that dumping Hamish meant James and I would get together, but I'm going to have to disappoint you." I take a deep breath. "I don't want to be with James."

"That's complete bullshit."

"No it's not."

"It is, Lily. I can see it in your eyes, you want to be with him!"

"I wanted to be with Hamish and he messed that up for me. Breaking Hamish and I up doesn't change anything except prove to me he's just as big a prat as I always thought he was."

"What? You're blaming him for you losing feelings for Hamish? That wasn't James' fault!"

I hang my head in my hands. "Hestia, it is. I never should've felt this way."

"You are the dumbest bitch I've ever met, Lily Evans." Hestia hisses vehemently. "The only fault James has is loving you." She stands and storms out of the Hall, her hair flaring out behind her. I watch her go and feel the tears well in my eyes. I don't want to believe her, but somewhere in my heart, I know I do.

All day I avoid Hestia and the Marauders. Their eyes follow me everywhere I go. Hestia and the lads glare at me every chance they have and James—James just looks at me sadly. My heart yearns to touch him but my brain withholds. He tries to talk to me numerous times and I always find a way to escape him.

I haven't seen Hamish at all, which, I guess, is a blessing. I don't know what to say to him yet. I've never broken up with anyone so I have no idea what to say. "You finally kissed me, thanks for showing me it's not as great as I thought it would be. See ya." No, I couldn't say that.

Why is this so hard?  
After potions, I take my time packing up my things. Hestia and the Marauders were among the first out but I don't want to chance running into them. I'm just about to sling my rucksack over my shoulder when I feel a presence behind me.

I turn and see James standing in the doorway. His gaze is gentle and it settles over me like a blanket in the dead of winter. The Trojan war rages on inside me. James steps forward, clicking the door closed.

"James, why'd you lock the door?" I ask quietly.

"Lily, we need to talk. You can't avoid me forever."

"I'm not trying to."

"Do you like when people call you on your bullshit?"

I raise my chin in anger. "Maybe I have nothing to say to you."

James' mouth gets small and his confidence seems to crumble. He looks down at the floor and rakes his hands through his hair so that it sticks up in odd directions. I want to smooth it down and mess it up even more at the same time.

"You're never gonna believe me." He mutters to himself.

My eyebrows crease. "What are you talking about?"

Suddenly, James' eyes snap up and they look manic. "Meet me, tonight, in our Transfiguration room."

"What, why?" I ask.

"Just—just trust me."

I cross my arms over my chest. "Trusting you is what got me into this mess in the first place."

"Lily," James whines. I look at him sceptically, but my composure is waning. As a final blow, James takes two giant steps towards me so that my mind is clouded with his heady boy smell. It's utterly intoxicating and I want to lean forward and snog his pants off. "Just say you'll meet me. I'll explain everything there." He breathes.

Struggling, I nod.

James flashes me a smile and then he's gone. I watch him disappear from the room and once the last traces of him fades from the air, I'm able to kick myself for falling for his trap.

I don't even question what it is he has to explain.

O.o

James didn't give me a time, but if I know him (and I do), I'm supposed to meet him after curfew. The clock strikes and I hurry out of my room. The common room is dark except for a few flickering candles along the walls. James is nowhere in sight. I feel a twisting feeling in my stomach at the thought of meeting him while I'm still technically with Hamish.

My emotions are so messed up whenever James Potter is concerned.

The corridor is dark and I'm careful to keep my steps quick and light. I don't know why I'm feeling so jumpy tonight. I've never taken this much care while sneaking out because I know I have the cover of Head Girl. But there's just something about tonight, like something lurking in the shadows. I reach the Transfiguration room James asked me to meet him in and see the lights are on.

As I draw nearer, I start hearing voices arguing in hushed whispers. I recognize James' voice right away and then I hear two more that I certainly didn't expect.

Hamish and Severus stand with their backs to me. Both of their arms are crossed and their backs are rigid.

"Why don't you tell her, then?" James says, jutting his chin out towards me.

"Tell me what?" I ask. I step into the room hesitantly. I can't for the life of me figure out what Hamish and Severus are doing here. I blush as the two whirl around and my eyes connect with Hamish's. He looks just as beautiful as he did the day he asked me to Hogsmeade and my heart aches to remember how happy I used to be.

"Lily—" Hamish starts, but my name seems to die in his throat. He coughs and opens his mouth to speak again, but nothing comes out.

"Lily," James stands and walks towards me, but he passes right by and closes the door instead. "I'm glad you came."

I cross my arms. "What's going on? What are they doing here?"

"Thought you were meeting Potter for a—"

"Shut up, Snape." Hamish cuts him off before he could finish. The look in both of their eyes is a mixture of panic and something I can't quite place. Sadness, perhaps? But James' expression is cool.

"_James_," I say, emphasising his first name. "Asked me to meet him here." I tell Severus. "He said he wanted to explain something to me…James?"

I look to him and he looks away. "I think these two had better do the honours."

I look back and forth between James, Hamish and Severus but none of them say anything. "Can someone _please_ tell me what's going on? If not, then I'm leaving."

"That's right, Lily, go back to bed." Severus says.

I narrow my eyes at him. "But not before I give you lot detention for being out past curfew."

That seems to shrink him, but still none of them speak.

Finally, James sighs. "I guess neither of them has the bullocks to come clean. So I'll do it." He takes a deep, shuttered breath. "Lily, Finlay and Snape have been working together to, how shall I put this? Keep you off the market."

"What?"

"Snape here paid our dear mate Finlay to ask you out and pretend to be your boyfriend."

I feel as if a wrecking ball has been swung into my stomach, but not in the pleasant way it did the night James and I kissed. This time I feel just _bad_.

"Wh-what?" I stutter. "That's not true, it-it can't be." I look to Hamish but he's looking at his feet, his sweet blond hair falling in front of his eyes. He reaches up and tugs it nervously and I feel like slapping his hands away. "Hamish?" I squeak in a small voice.

"It's true Lily, I'm sorry." James says. He takes a step towards me, but I scramble backwards.

"You're _lying_!" I scream as my back hits the door.

The light in James' eyes die. "I wish I was."

I turn to Snape who looks as if he's about to murder James. "Wh-why?" I stutter.

Snape's eyes snap to mine. "He's lying, Lily. Why would I care who you date?"

"That's not true, is it, mate?" Hamish says suddenly, but I can't tell whom he's talking to. "Lass, I'm sorry. Potter's right."

Again, I feel something heavy drop inside me.

"Shut up, Finlay." Snape hisses.

"Why, Snape? She was gonna split with me anyway. It's over, let's just tell her the truth." Turning to me, Hamish gestures for me sit down. I oblige and fold my hands neatly in my lap. "Lass, Snape came to me last year and asked me to ask you out."

"But why?" I ask, shaking my head.

"To keep you away from Potter."

Hamish sighs and launches into the story from the very beginning. Severus approached Hamish last February with a proposition he says he couldn't refuse. Severus claimed that James and my friendship was becoming "worrisome" and he needed a way to stop us from getting any closer. Severus believed that it was only a matter of time before I fell for James' apparent charm and agreed to go out with him. That's when he devised the plan to get me a boyfriend, one whom James would have to respect. One I couldn't resist being with and wouldn't think of breaking up with. Someone like Hamish. So Snape offered to do all of Hamish's Potions homework and tutor him in exchange of keeping me, as James put it, off the market.

"You have to understand, Lass, I'm complete rubbish in Potions. I-I'm a Ravenclaw and I have all these plans for the future—failing Potions would've mucked it all up."

"_I _was supposed to be apart of those plans, Hamish. You-you could've came to me if you needed help." I say quietly. I look up into his sweet, open face and see his eyes soft with sadness. "There's more, isn't there?"

He nods. "The thing is, Lass, the reason I didn't want to kiss you isn't because I thought it would be unfair to _you_ if I didn't mean it. I-I didn't because, well, there's someone else."

"Wh-what?"

"A Muggle, see. She-she doesn't know about you or about me being a wizard. But Merlin, I love her so much. I figured if I could make something of myself in this world I would feel better bringing her into it. That's why I went along with all of this. I needed the grades to make it all happen."

My body and my mind have gone into shock and I can't seem to tell up from down. I don't understand any of it. Hamish is in love with some Muggle back home in Paisley. I know he doesn't come from a very wealthy family, his father is a Muggle and his mum was disowned by her parents for marrying a bloke that's non-magical. He had to brave many cold nights, he told me once, and he hates going home for that reason. But still, he never wanted to visit me over the summer when I offered. I thought him visiting would give both of us a break from our families, but that was never what he wanted. As much as he hated Paisley, he loved his Muggle more. It all makes sense. And yet, I could fathom the betrayal.

"But—how could you?"

"I know, I'm sorry. It was beyond pants and…there's no excuse."

I flick a glance towards Severus to see him wearing a stony expression. "Sev—?"

"What do you want me to say, Lily?" he asks, not looking at me.

"That it's not true." I choke.

"I-I can't do that." For a second I see something flicker behind his cold black eyes that remind me of the Severus I used to know. But just as quickly they return to the boy standing in front of me now and for the first time all night I feel like crying.

"This can't be happening."

"Lily," James starts. He's kept quiet the whole time Hamish was explaining and I forgot he was even in the room. Suddenly my anger sparks at him. Why did he have to get involved? Why did he have to expose their secret? How did he even know what they were doing, and more importantly, for how long?

I turn to glare at him, tears welling in my eyes. I want to hit him. Godric, I _knew_ this was all his fault. Severus did this to me because of _him_.

For the second time in 24 hours I don't think, I just run. Only this time, I don't go to Gryffindor tower, but to my own dormitory. As I run, I feel the tears stream down my face and this time, I hear no hollers for my arrest or footsteps behind me. It's just me, running recklessly through the halls. I reach the doorway and burst through it. The fire flares at my entrance and I throw myself across the couch. Sobs shutter through me, wave after wave.

O.o

I wait in the common room for him to come. I know he will, obviously. He lives here, too. I've calmed down some since the big reveal. But that was almost two hours ago and still, James hasn't come back. Maybe he's trying to give me space.

I can't process what just happened. I don't know what to make of it, honestly. Hamish is a fraud. I can't believe—I refuse to believe—that he would do something so horrible to me.

And Sev! How could Severus, the boy I was best friends with since childhood, how could he do something so…evil? Bribing Hamish to date me just to keep me away from James? I mean, I knew he hated him—loathed him, even—but enough to make someone fake date me just so James couldn't have a proper shot? That's just low and degrading. As if I couldn't've just broken up with Hamish if I wanted to be with James.

But I wouldn't've, would I? I had the chance: the night James and I kissed. But I didn't break up with Hamish, I was ready to plead my case to him and make it work. Severus knew there was no way I would choose to be with James if there was another option, he was banking on it.

But that leaves me with another dilemma. Didn't I determine long ago that I had strong feelings for James? Wasn't it, after all, I who initiated that kiss in the Forbidden Forest?

My head aches with the thoughts that are reeling through my mind.

The door to the common room opens and James shuffles in hesitantly.

"Hey, Lily." He says cautiously.

"Potter," I mutter, still thinking deeply about what I'd just experienced.

"Are you alright?" he asks.

I laugh without humour. "Do you think I'm alright?"

He grins sheepishly and ruffles his hair. "I guess not, no."

"Can I ask you a question, James?"

"Of course," he answers, stepping closer to where I sit slumped on the couch.

"How did you know about Hamish and Snape?"

James sighs, runs his fingers through his hair and then crosses his arms. "Last night after you ran off I went back to give Finlay a piece of my mind. Only, when I got there, Snape and him were arguing. I knew I saw something in the shadows by the corner but—I thought it was nothing. I didn't say anything though, that's when I went to wait for you in our common room."

I'm glad to know that James hasn't been keeping this from me for a while. But still, the idea of it all is just—"This is so messed up; I don't even know what to think anymore. Everything I thought was real isn't. Everything's been just a big fat lie." I groan.

"Not everything." He mutters. "Look, Lily, I tried to warn you but you just kept running away. Besides, I knew you wouldn't believe me."

I sit up straight and glared at him. "Are you seriously trying to blame me for not listening to you? It wasn't a big secret that you hated him, so why should I've believed you when you said he was playing me? We all knew you were jealous."

"Exactly my point, Lily! _That's_ why I orchestrated this whole night just so _you_ could see that _your bloody fucking boyfriend_ wasn't who you thought he was!" James seethes.

I recoil from him as if he'd slapped me, which it very well feels like he did. I've never seen James so angry with me before.

"You're loving this, aren't you?" I accuse. "You love that I'm hurt right now. You're enjoying it so much that Hamish and Severus aren't who I thought they were, you _revel_ in the fact that they broke my heart!"

"Is that what you think? You think that low of me that you'd think I would plan something—to open your eyes to a relationship that was hurting you _anyway_—just so that you would get hurt? You think I'm _enjoying_ this?" he roars.

"I know you are." I spit.

"You really are a bleeding daft cow." James says with a forced calm, his arms crossed over his chest in a casual pose as he leans against the chair's arm.

"I'm a daft cow? You're the one who was daft enough to ever think I would choose you over Hamish."

"News flash, Evans, but Hamish _never_ wanted you, he never_ loved _you. Godric, why are you being so _stupid_ about this? Can't you see you were just making a fool out of yourself?" James hisses vehemently. He straightens his back from where he's hunched over glaring at me. "And you can forget about me wanting you now either." He adds harshly.

Tears well in my eyes threatening to fall. His words hurt so much, cutting me deeply especially since none of mine are true. I'm speaking completely out of anger and frustration and I just can't stop.

"Why, you foul, loathsome, evil little—" I start.

"Shut _up_, Evans. Just shut up!" James yells, his hand raking through his hair. I'm so taken aback I do just as he asks and, indeed, shut up. "I'm so sick of you treating me like I'm this huge prat! You're not perfect either, you know. At least I know when I'm being insufferable whereas you seem to be completely clueless."

"I am _not_ insufferable." I scoff.

"Yes, you are. Merlin, Evans, all you do is act like I'm this immature little twat when really _you're_ the one being immature. Tell me, Evans, what have I done recently that's so wrong other than proving the magnificent Lily All-Mighty Evans wrong? What have I done besides _help you_ see something you just didn't want to? Besides making you _feel_ something you don't want to?"

I close my mouth and crease my eyebrows. As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. He hasn't done anything wrong. He's been a perfect gentleman, complete with the open doors, pulled out chairs and perfect manners. Calling him a prat, it would seem, is so deeply imbedded in me that any other adjective is deemed inconceivable.

I cross my arms over my chest and blow out a frustrated breath. "Potter," I start, but can't figure out how to end my sentence. "I just don't—sometimes you just—"

James stares back at me with icy eyes. I hate him yelling at me almost as much as I hate yelling at him. The fact of the matter, however, is that I'm tired. I'm tired of denying myself from feeling something more for James. But I still can't bring myself to open up to him just yet. And if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I'll never get the chance to again.

"James, you—you just—I can't—" I stutter, my arms circling my torso as I crumple in on myself. A single tear rolls down my cheek and splashes its way onto my neck, travelling beneath the collar of my shirt and out of sight.

James watches me struggle with my words. I can't negate the fact that James has matured over the past year and that everything that's happened up until this point—from hating him to becoming his friend to now—have only brought us closer together.

There is a battle going on inside of me from my head to my heart and my gut, the part of me I always listen to, seems to just be a silent observer today.

Another tear dribbles down my cheek.

I hadn't noticed that while I was crying and arguing with myself, he'd walked closer until he is standing right in front of me. This time James lifts his hand and gently wipes my tears away with the pad of his thumb. He moves closer to me until I can feel the warmth radiating off of his body. I look up at him with sad watery eyes and give a small sigh. His eyes are the colour of every sunset I wish to have with him.

"I can't do this anymore, Lily. You're never gonna forgive me for not being who wanted me to be sooner. You're never gonna accept me for who I am now. I was stupid for thinking you ever would." He shakes his head sadly, an ironic smile on his face. "I can't keep fighting for you if you're always going to be fighting me back. I'm sorry, but I'm done."

And with that said, James turns around and leaves the common room, not so much as a glance back.

My mouth opens and closes as I flounder with what to say. I want to call out for him and tell him to come back. I want to tell him that I'm not mad at him for what he did or the things he said. I want, no _need_, him to know that if I could do it all over again, _he_ would be my choice this time.

But he's long gone by the time I form the words. I burst into a fresh wave of sobs as I realize I may have won this battle, but I seem to have lost the war.

* * *

**A/N:**_ HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!  
__This has been my least favourite chapter of all time! Ahh, it makes me so angry. Okay, I know it's shit but believe it or not, this is actually the much better revised version of my even more crap original chapter. Yes, this is as good as it got. Saddening. What can I say, I suck at writing arguments.  
__Now, before anyone decides to go on a hating rampage, let's not forget that I have a plan and everything will sort itself eventually. But, this was a really horrible chapter, yes? Like, jeez, Lily, stop being an idiot and just kiss him. But alas, this is the way it must be. Drop a review telling me your thoughts. And thank you to everyone who has read/reviewed/favourited/subscribed. You guys are unreal._

_-FallingForFootie._

_Next Chapter: January 7th. _


	9. Kiss me underneath the mistletoe

**Chapter Eight: Kiss me underneath the mistletoe**

I'm alone.

James didn't return to the common room after he left me. I know because I waited for him all night. I wanted him to come back so I could tell him how sorry I am for blaming him, for not loving him enough when I had the chance, for making him lose faith in me. But he didn't come back and I didn't say anything.

Hestia isn't speaking to me. I know because I saw her on my way to breakfast and she walked right past me. I can only assume she's still upset with me about our argument about James. If only she knew that I _don't_ blame him, not anymore. I'm just scared.

In the Great Hall, I eat alone. The Marauders and Hestia are noticeably absent, as are Snape and Hamish. So I sit with my bowl of porridge and avoid eye contact. But no one seems to care that my world has fallen apart, no one even seems aware. It's just me.

It's funny how well you can hide something without even knowing.

Halfway through my soggy breakfast the post arrives. I listen to the chatter around me grow with the talk of final parcels from parents before we break for Christmas next week. I don't expect anything so I'm surprised when the brown owl I sent away with my mother's letter lands in front of me. I didn't expect her to write back, let alone at all. I just needed to talk to her…

Nevertheless, I'm happy she did.

I snatch the parchment from the bird's leg and hastily offer him a piece of toast. I unfold the note, greedy to read the words my mum has sent me. I never knew something like this would mean so much to me.

_Mum,_ the note starts.

Wait, _mum_?

My note has been sent back to me. I crumple it in my hand and throw it angrily on the table. I hang my head in my hands and close my eyes tight. I wish the holiday would come soon so that I don't have to be so alone anymore.

Folding the crumpled note into my bag, I stand from the table and walk slowly towards my first class. I arrive early and sit in my usual seat and wait. I feel so—I don't even know.

In all the classes I share with the Marauders, I hope futilely for them to come. Hestia doesn't approach me when she shows up and she ignores me with fervour.

"Hest," I try in History of Magic.

"I'm not talking to you right now." She says, but I can tell her resolve is wearing. In time, perhaps, she will forgive me.

Maybe even the lads.

But James…I'm afraid he'll never forgive me.

_Godric_ how could I be so fucking foolish? James liked me from the start, for who I was regardless of how I treated him. Unconditionally. He was there, had been all along. I just couldn't see him. I spent so much time not wanting to be with him, I forgot why I didn't in the first place.

And now it might be too late.

O.o

The train pulls away from the station with a loud blow of its whistle. The air is crisp, the sun is shining and the snow blankets the earth in its cold embrace. Angels are singing songs of Christmas cheer, brightening the world with their tinkling voices. Students smile and laugh, because honestly, what ever could be wrong?

And I, Lily Evans, sit alone in a deserted compartment at the front of the train.

The Prefect meeting has just ended and unsurprisingly, James did not show up. I haven't seen him or his friends in so long—they completely skived the last week of classes—and I miss them all terribly. But worst of all is Hestia. Her absence has hit me harder than anything ever could. She's my best mate and her being angry with me just makes the whole debacle all the more complicated.

She's supposed to be on my side.

"Lily, are you okay?" Jonathan Kristoff asks shyly. I look up to see the fifth year Hufflepuff boylooking at me concernedly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say, shaking myself out of wherever I'd gone to. "What can I do for you?"

He blushes. "It's nothing, really. I just—I was hoping I could help with the Quidditch match."

"Oh," I feel my face fall. "That's not really my, um, expertise. You'll have to speak with J-James about that." I have to force myself not to choke on his name.

"Right, do you know where he is?"

"No," I say softly, looking out the window dismissively. But he doesn't take the hint and sits down opposite me.

"It's just—I've seen him play and _Merlin_, he's fantastic, isn't he? I wish I could fly around the way he does, he makes it seem so _effortless_."

"Yeah, he's pretty remarkable." I murmur.

"Anyway, I was hoping if I helped with the match he'd give me a couple pointers or even a lesson. I want to be the best like him."

"Yup, he's the best."

"So if you see him, will you put in a good word for me?"

I turn to look at him and see the wide-eyed look of a star struck fan on his face. This kid simply idolizes James, I realize. I sigh, the desire to tell him to sod off, gone. "Sure, Jon. I'll let him know you're interested in helping." I say with a small smile.

Jonathan grins. "Thanks, Lily." He stands and leaves.

I resume staring moodily out the window. Everything will be better when I'm back home away from all of this.

The train pulls into the station with jolt. I must've fallen asleep somewhere between trying not to cry and feeling like the world is going to end. I gather my trunk slowly and step out of the compartment. I'd specifically assigned patrols so I wouldn't have to be bothered. I want my mum, a cup of tea and my bed in that order.

As I'm walking to the exit, I bump into someone.

"Oops, sorry."

"I doubt it." The voice says bitterly. I look to see James. His voice is hard but his eyes are soft. It's the first time I'm seeing him in so long and all I want to do is rush forward and wrap my arms around his middle.

"James—" I start.

"Best be going, eh, Prongs?" Sirius says from behind him. He pushes James ahead of me and the rest of the lads follow. Peter doesn't look at me as he steps out after Sirius, but Remus troubles me with a sad stare.

"Evans," He nods.

"Rem—" But he's gone before I can finish.

Last is Hestia. She glances at me but doesn't say anything. I grab her arm and at first she resists but she gives in anyway.

"I have nothing to say to you, Lily."

"Then just listen, please? Look…you were right. None of this was James' fault. I was scared."

Hestia frowns, but not in a mean way. In a sad way, like she doesn't know what to do, either. "I don't know that that helps." She says. "He's really cut up."

"I know. Just-just tell him for me, yeah?" My chin wobbles a little. "Tell him I'm sorry."

Hestia grants me a small smile. "Sure," and then leaves behind the boys.

I allow my eyes to mist over for a second before sniffing them back and stepping off the train. In the light of the station I can see that my mother's cheerful mop of bright orange hair isn't present. Neither is my sister's flat blonde. My head swivels from right to left but no sign of either of them appears. I wait until there's hardly anyone left on the platform before apparating home. I tell myself to hold it together until I'm safely in my room. They probably just forgot it was today.

"Hello?" I call. The door of my parents' quaint cottage swings open to a darkened corridor. The temperature in the house feels colder than usual and the smell of mum's welcome home feast is nowhere to be found. "Mum, Tuney, where are you lot?"

I hear footsteps on the upstairs landing.

"Mum, Petunia! I'm home."

"Hello, Lily." My sister's voice is clipped, but not in the distasteful way she usually uses around me. Her voice is sorrowful, almost gentle.

"Tuney, what's wrong? Where's mum, she didn't meet me at the train." I say, heaving my trunk to rest on the bottom stair.

"Lily, mum's not here."

"Well where is she, then?"

Petunia doesn't look at me as she walks down the stairs. Once level, she takes my hand in hers—something she hasn't done is years—and squeezes. "I'll make us some tea."

I follow my sister into the kitchen and sit at the table. "Petunia, you're scaring me. What's going on, where's mum?"

Petunia ignores me and puts the kettle on. She fusses around the kitchen, grabbing the old mugs we haven't used since we were little girls instead of young ladies who use fine china and gathering the special loose-leaf tea mum only uses when we have guests.

"Tuney?" My voice catches in my throat as I say the name. Something is terribly, terribly wrong I can tell. My sister has never been like this before, so sad and absolving. Even before we found out about magic, Petunia has never offered to make me tea.

Petunia's shoulders stiffen at the sound of my voice. But she relaxes and turns to me with a smile on her face. "Biscuits?" she asks, placing a plate in front of me.

"If I wanted biscuits I'd get them myself, this is my house, too." I stand, angry with her for being so cryptic. "_Merlin_, Petunia, what's _wrong_ with you?" I don't have the patients to deal with her right now. With everything that's happened with Severus and Hamish and James, I'm surprised I'm even still standing. I can't handle anything my sister has to tell me now.

"Actually, Lily, this isn't your house anymore."

"What?" I ask as if she'd slapped me.

"You're not eighteen yet. That means the house goes to me."

"P-Petunia, you're not making any sense."

My sister perches on the end of one of the kitchen chairs and hangs her head. "Mum's dead, Lily."

_No_.

I fall backwards into my chair like something out of a movie. Everything seems to shift into a new light. The boxes cluttering the house, the coldness of the fireplace that hasn't yet been lit for the season, the notable absence of my mother's warmth, it all makes sense now.

"Wha-what happened?" I finally choke.

"There was a fire at mum's work. The firemen couldn't get to her in time. Four others died, too. Oh, God, Lily, it was horrible." Petunia bursts into tears and she paws at her face to get it dry.

I stand again. "Why didn't you _tell_ me?" I scream.

Her head snaps up. "And how exactly was I supposed to do that? Ring you? Or was I supposed to get a bloody _bird_ to deliver a note that might not even get to you?" she yells back.

"I sent a note to mum a week ago but I got it back unanswered." I say thinly.

"I didn't know."

"Tuney, I can't believe I wasn't here."

"Neither can I. Both our parents have up and gone and you didn't even—"

"You bloody well know _this_ wasn't my fault. I couldn't have known unless _you _told me."

Petunia casts her eyes to the floor and at least has the decency to look ashamed. "I know, I'm sorry."

I look at my sister with tears in her eyes and feel them brim in mine, too. I want to reach out and hold her close to me. How many disasters can happen to one girl?

"It's okay, Tuney, we'll get through this together." I say shakily.

Petunia shakes her head. "We moved up the wedding. I'm marrying Vernon and I'm selling the house. I'm done with this place…and this family. I just—I just thought I should be here to tell you in person."

"Wh-what?" I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach. What does she mean she's getting married and selling our house? What does she mean she's done with this family? _I'm_ her family.

"Lily, you need to pack your room—"

"_No_," I say vehemently. "You can't do this. What about me?"

"What about you, Lily? You don't live here, anyway. You'll go back to that freak school of yours and after? Well, you were planning to move out anyway."

"But this is my home."

"It _was_ your home."

"I'm here for two weeks, Petunia. Where am I supposed to go?" I ask incredulously. I can't believe what a bitch she's being after what she's just told me, after how _kind_ she's been acting.

My perfect sister rearranges her features into a look of calm and controlled. The distaste she carries in my presence is back and she regards me with the coolness of a woman who believes herself to be far above me on any sort of level. "That's not my problem anymore. You'll be eighteen in a month and it's about time you started acting like an adult. I've given you until my wedding in a week to pack your things and get out."

"Oh, how _generous_ of you." I say with mock sincerity. I put every ounce of loathing for her into that one word but it barely seems to affect her. I scoff, completely disgusted with her, and brush past on my way to the stairs.

"Oh, and Lils?" Petunia calls before I can start my climb. I pause. "Take care of yourself."

O.o

I don't think as I magick all my belongings into the trunk I used to use for family holidays. I add an undetectable expansion charm to it and shrink all my things so that it all fits nicely inside. I can feel the numbness spread through my body with every second that passes. I don't know what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. Again I'm struck my how _alone_ in the world I really am and for the first time I realize how _lonely_ it is.

Godric, how did everything get so messed up?

When I'm finished, I collapse onto my bed—the only thing I haven't packed—and sob. It's the kind of sob I've held myself away from for so long. Lately I've been crying more and more. I didn't cry like this when my father died or when Severus and I stopped being friends or when Hamish wouldn't kiss me or when James did. Those things I could handle. But I cried when I was frustrated over my feelings and when I found out Snape and Hamish had betrayed me and when James said he was done. Those things…those things were like the blows right before the knock out. I'd held myself so carefully; I tried so hard not to break down. I am Lily _Fucking_ Evans. I don't _do_ breakdowns.

But this is a breakdown.

This was the last straw.

I cry and I cry for as long as my tears last. I don't try to stop them and I don't wipe them away. I let them fall freely and unabashedly and I let them soak into the pillowcase under my head.

Sometime in the late afternoon I wake to the sound of my stomach gurgling. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning before the train and my stomach has no qualms letting me know.

Okay, I'll feed you.

I step carefully down the stairs and into the dimly lit kitchen. Petunia and Vernon are sitting with steaming mugs in their hands and their heads bowed together.

"Well what am I supposed to do with her, she is my _sister_." Petunia whispers fiercely.

My heart pounds and I jump behind a wall so they can't see that I'm there. I press my ear against the wall and listen.

"I bloody well know that, Pet, but she's one of _them_. Can't trust them fuckers."

"Vern!"

"You're the one who's always going on about what a freak she is. We can't keep her up. Didn't you say she was of age in that _world_ of hers? Let her figure it out herself. It's not your problem anymore."

"She's still my sister."

"Petunia, this house isn't going to sell, you know that. Most likely we'll just have to leave it. Losing money on this is a setback already. We don't _have_ the means to look after her even if I wanted to. I know she's your sister and you have to honour that or whatever, but she's not even one of us. Let her lot take of her now. It's _not_ your responsibility."

I peer around the corner to see my sister nod with a small smile on her face.

"It feels good finally getting rid of her." She whispers scandalously.

I feel something like betrayal pierce my heart.

"You've given her a week to get out. It's good enough."

Ignoring my twisting stomach, I race quietly back to my room and grab my trunks. I gather the few things I want to keep of my parents' and stuff them along with my things. I don't have a plan, although one would be rather helpful right about now. I just grab my wand and apparate to the one person I know will take me.

I land just outside the front gate with a _pop!_ I've been here before over the summer holiday but that was under different, happier circumstances. I push the gate open with my hip and hobble up the short walk to the door. I give two short raps on the door and stand back.

"Hello?" A gruff voice answers before the door swings open.

"Hello Mr. Jones." I say with my most charming smile.

"Evans, is that you?" Mr. Jones' face splits into a grin and smashes me into a hug. "Hest didn't say anything about you coming 'round."

"Oh, um, I thought I'd surprise her."

"You brought your stuff?" He asks, his eyes narrowing slightly.

I blush. "Well,"

"Come in, come in. No need for us to talk on the porch like mad people." He takes both of my trunks and heaves them into the front hall.

"Dad, who is it?" I hear Hestia call from the top landing.

"Evans." Her father calls back.

"What's she doing here?" Hestia asks with a mean tone. I see her appear at the top of the stairs and she looks down at me with cool eyes.

Before I can think better of it, I burst into tears. I drop my rucksack and cover my face with my hands, trying to stop the flow. But it keeps coming and the sobs wrack through me wave after wave.

I feel gentle hands lead me forward and sit me down on a soft couch. I hear a kettle whistle in another room and hands tracing soothing circles on my back.  
"Lily, what's going on?" Hestia coos beside me.

"My mum died." I mange to choke. "Petunia basically kicked me out. I had nowhere else to go."

Hestia sighs. "It's good you came here, Lils. I'm sorry for—for not standing by you before. That wasn't very best friendly of me."

I turn blindly and wrap my arms around her tight. "Hestia, everything is _such_ a mess."

"_Shh,_ I know, Lily. _Shh._"

After a lot of crying and a rather large cup of tea, I've finally calmed down enough to talk about what I've just gone through.

"Your sister is a bint. I'm sorry, Lily, but it's true. What kind of arse kicks her sister out after just telling her your mother died? And with everything you've been dealing with recently, _Godric_, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not."

I shake my head. "No, it's not. But there's nothing I can do about it, is there? Snape is an arse, Hamish is a phony, James hates me, my sister kicked me out and my mother is dead. I can't do anything about it."

"James doesn't hate you. He's just—"

"He said he was done, Hest. I waited too long and now—now I've lost him for good."

"Who would've thought there'd ever come a day when Lily Evans was the one afraid James Potter wouldn't give her the time of day."

"Hey, a lot has changed. Him included. I just wish I'd figured that out sooner."

"You know he didn't mean it, right? James Potter could never be done with you." She sighs, flipping over so that her head is in my lap. I brush my hands through her long blonde hair.

I frown. "He seemed pretty convincing."

"Lils, I've spent the last week with him and trust me, you're still all he can think about."

"I doubt it…" I sigh.

Suddenly, Hestia sits up with a bright grin on her face. "Why don't we visit them? Sirius lives with James now and I was planning on meeting him, anyway. It'll give you and James time to talk."

My eyes widen with fear. "Oh, no, Hestia! I don't think I'm ready to face him just yet."

"Why not?"

I squirm awkwardly. "Well, I just broke up with Hamish…"

Hestia rolls her eyes. "It's not like you two were actually dating." I flinch and her jaw drops. "I'm _so_ sorry, Lils, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, like, you don't think James would hurt you like that, do you?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I just don't want to think about him right now." I lean back into the couch and close my eyes. It feels so good letting my body relax into the well-worn couch, I can almost fall asleep.

That is, if my stomach didn't decide to make dying whale noises.

"Oops, sorry." I apologize, thoroughly embarrassed by my stomach's rude outburst.

"Hungry?" Hest asks with a smirk.

"Just a tad." I grin sheepishly back.

My best friend holds up a finger and turns towards the corridor. "Dad, we're gonna need two English breakfasts, stat!" she yells.

"It's past bloody midnight!" He yells back.

"Father, how many times must I tell you not to question the workings of a teenage girl's food needs?"

"Alright, alright, keep your blasted voice down before you wake them neighbours." Mr. Jones says, shuffling into the light of the living room. He's wearing a terrycloth robe and is rubbing sleep from his eyes. He heads straight for the kitchen and flicks on the light. "Well don't just sit there, you two, make yourself useful."

O.o

"Order up!"

"Dad, you know you don't have to say that _every_ time you make a meal." Hestia huffs, pulling the heaping plate in front of her. She turns to me, her fork poised. "This is what happens when you have a father who owns a diner. Do you _see_ what I have to live with?"

I laugh, and fill my fork with another mouthful. "Mr. Jones, this is _delicious_. Honestly, thank you. For everything."

"Of course, Evans." He answers, kissing the top of my head. "Our home is your home, never forget that." He points a finger at me and winks. "Now I'm going back to bed. I have to be at work first thing tomorrow." He pats Hestia on the shoulder before taking his leave.

"You're lucky to have him," I murmur.

Hestia sighs. "I know. Ever since mum—well, we don't talk about her much. Her leaving did a number on him."

I place a hand on hers. "You don't need to talk about it." I say.

I know how hard it was on Hestia after her mother left them six years ago. She never really talked about why before and I never wanted to push her. I know that her mum was a Witch and that being married to a Muggle wasn't what she'd expected. So after Hestia started at Hogwarts, her mother left them and moved to Barnsley for a fresh start.

"Barnsley," Hestia had scoffed the first time she'd told me. "As if there's anything fresh to start there."

But I knew she was just bitter. She's lightened up about it loads since then and has even gone to visit her mum a few times. Every time she came back, though, she'd roll her eyes and tell me living with her father was better than anything her mum had found out there.

Hestia smiles at me and turns her hand so it's holding mine. "Are you sure you don't want to see the lads tomorrow?" she pouts.

I bite my lip. "You can go if you want, don't worry about me. I should probably figure out what I'm going to do after I graduate, anyway."

"Lily, you know you're welcome to live here."

I smile. "I know, thanks. But I think it'll be best if I take care of this now."

"Okay. James'll want to see you, though. Y'know how protective he'll get when he finds out what your sister did to you."

"Yeah…" I sigh. My head snaps up and I look at her. "Wait, no! You can't tell James about my mum or what my sister did. You can't tell anyone, including Sirius."

"What, why not?"

"Like you said, even if James _doesn't_ want anything to do with me he won't be able to stop himself from doing something about Petunia. He's always hated the way she's treated me."

"I don't see the problem here."

I sigh and brace my head in my hands. "I don't need to give Petunia another reason to hate me. One magical prank courtesy of the Marauders and I can kiss goodbye to ever seeing her again. Under no circumstances can you tell anyone why I'm here. Promise me."

Hestia looks at me through narrow eyes. "Fine. I don't see why you'd _want_ to ever see her again, but I won't question it. I don't have a sister. So what _can_ I tell my boyfriend?" she asks mockingly.

"That we've made up and I'm staying with you. No mention of my mum or sister has to be made."

"You make it seem so simple." She sighs wistfully.

"If only everything was." I answer.

O.o

I've been staying with Hestia for three days now and there hasn't been a single dull moment. Hestia's father owns a diner a few blocks away so we've been helping him during the say. I have to say, I never thought working in a diner could be so much fun, but it's actually ace. The smell itself is wonderful, but then there are all sorts of interesting people, especially old couples who come in and chat with us. They're always exceptional tippers. And of course, all you can eat chips.

Mr. Jones sent me into the storage room to get some napkins to restock the dispensers. I had so much trouble locating them in the cramped room and the large pile almost toppled over and buried me under.

Working in a diner is fun, but dangerous.

"—_Lily?_" I hear from beyond the swinging doors.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. I was almost attacked by those bloody nap—" I push open the door to see two teenage boys sitting at the bar. "—kins."

"Look who decided to pay us a visit." Hestia says with a grin.

"I'm not paying for anything." Sirius says lightly, flashing his girlfriend a cheeky smile.

Hestia sticks out her tongue at him. "Well then I guess I can cancel that order of fish and chips."

"You can't take away a man's food, woman." Sirius complains.

"_Woman_?" Hestia starts, and their bickering continues. I don't hear them, though. My eyes lock onto the messy haired boy with the glasses. James shifts under my gaze, unsure where to look. It's cute the way he fidgets and it makes me want to walk over and stand between his legs and wrap my arms around him and peck him lightly on the cheek.

"Hi, James." I sigh.

His eyes do one more quick circle of the room before flicking my way. "Evans," He says shortly, then resumes his wanderings.

"Having a good holiday?" I ask.

He shrugs.

I can feel my face fall at his coldness. James has never been so mean to me. Even when he was angry, he'd always hold a proper conversation with me. Usually because he would have to take advantage of any civil conversation he could get, but he was still pleasant. Even when he was a git he was pleasant. Godric, I _hate_ what's become of us.

"I'll, uh, just refill these." I say, holding up the package of napkins in my hands. But he doesn't acknowledge my saying anything.

I set to work, trying to ignore the shrieks coming from Hestia as Sirius tickles her and kisses her by surprise. I try not to gag, too. I stand with my back to them, next to the swinging doors to the back so that they can't see how badly I want to cry. Why did I have to mess everything up? Why did I have to wait so long to see that James is the one I want to be with? It took me ten months of being with the wrong guy and a year of good friendship to realize that James Potter isn't a git and I fancy the life out of him.

I am so daft.

I hear a barstool scrape against the floor and footsteps approach me. Sirius and Hestia are still flirting badly so there's only one other person it could be. Maybe he's coming to apologize for walking out on me. Maybe he's coming to tell me that he could never give up and that he still wants me. I turn at the last possible second to meet him when he collides into me.

"Dammit, Evans." James hisses as he grabs to catch me.

My head spins both from the impact and being so close to him.

"Oh, sorry." I say quickly.

"Yeah, you keep saying it but I doubt it means anything. Merlin, watch where you're going. This is the second time you've bumped into me and I don't appreciate being run over by a such a daft cow." He rants before pushing past me. The doors swing closed but not before I see him disappearing into the bathroom.

Of course, he just needed to use the loo. Why would I think he came to apologize? Merlin knows I haven't done anything to deserve that. I close my eyes and throw my head back, wondering why I am so stupid. I open my eyes, still staring at the ceiling when I see the last thing I'd ever want to.

Right above where James and I were standing is a clump of mistletoe.

* * *

**A/N:** _Happy New Year! I hope you've all had a wonderful holiday packed with non-stop family/friends fun. Maybe you can find the time to sit down and read this for me, yeah? I know I'm a week early on the update but I didn't think anyone would mind that much...It's just that the last chapter (although, I must say had a great reception. Thanks, guys) didn't sit well for me and I didn't want a two week break between them. I hope you guys like it and feel compelled to tell me!_

_Have a safe and prosperous new year, guys. I wish y'all the very best in 2k13._

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: January 7th._


	10. The kiss they lost

**Chapter Nine: The kiss they lost**

New Year's Eve is tonight and Hestia has just informed me that Sirius Black will be joining us for the countdown.

"What about James?" I asked shyly.

Hestia frowned. "I'm sorry, love, he didn't say."

I'd told Hestia about what happened at the diner and she'd been very sympathetic. "Why didn't you tell him how you felt?" she'd asked me.

"Because…he wouldn't have listened." I said in my defence. It was a load of crap, but I couldn't tell her it was because I was scared it wouldn't matter. She would say it was a lame excuse, which it was, but it was still the truth.

So tonight I have to stay up until midnight with Hestia and Sirius (Mr. Jones is going to a pub with his mates) and maybe James. Great, I'll have to listen to Sirius and Hestia flirt all night awkwardly by myself _or_ awkwardly with James.

Either way it's a lose-lose.

The doorbell chimes and I hear Hestia race to open it. I want to follow, to see if James has come, but I refrain myself. Since when have I been the one to eagerly await _his_ arrival? Hestia appears in the doorway of the living room and smiles sadly at me, shaking her head slightly.

No, he didn't come.

"Hiya, Evans." Sirius says jovially, loping up behind her.

"Hullo, Sirius." I say, forcing a smile.

He flops onto the loveseat and pulls Hestia down next to him. "This is gonna be a fun night, just the three of us." He says awkwardly, kissing Hest's shoulder.

"Yeah, a blast." I say, turning towards the telly.

"Why didn't James come?" Hestia asks Sirius, thinking, I suppose, that she's doing me a favour. But my cheeks burn at her question and Sirius eyes me questioningly.

"Him and his dad went to some old family friends' place. They haven't seen them in a while and apparently their daughter is insanely fit now. She's only fifteen, but there's nothing wrong with 'em being a little young." He laughs.

Hestia whacks him on the arm. "You're horrible." She scowls.

"I'm only kidding, love. But Cecelia _is_ really fit now. I reckon Prongs is having the time."

I squirm awkwardly in my chair. I'm not sure if Sirius is saying these things to remind me of what an arse I've been to James or if he really is that thick. All I know is I feel like absolute shite about everything and I wish James was here right now so I could talk to him.

"I'm sure James would much rather be here with us." She says lightly.

"Doubt it. His dad and Richard Covington are top aurors. They'll be having some major discussions about what's going on with You-Know-Who. You know how anxious James is about him."

"Why would he be anxious?" I ask. "He's a pureblood, isn't he safe?"

Sirius' eyes flick towards me and am I seeing things or are they…_sad_? "Everyone knows the Potters are the biggest bloodtraitor family. Prongs may not be as safe as you think."

The suggestion knocks into me. I never even considered James being in danger after we leave Hogwarts. As a Muggleborn, the danger of the real world is constantly weighing on me. But to think that James could be targeted just because he doesn't have the same hate for my kind that others do? That thought…it makes me _sick_. If anything were to happen to James—Godric, I don't know what I'd do.

Hestia catches the panic in my eye and offers a small smile. "James'll be fine. We'll all be fine. Mr. Potter and Mr. Covington and all the other aurors will catch him soon enough."

Sirius kisses the side of her head. "I sure hope so." He agrees.

The twisting in my stomach doesn't cease. I still can't stop thinking about James and what might happen to us after Hogwarts. I mean, when we were kids, the only bright part of leaving Hogwarts someday was not having to see James Potter and his arrogant smirk ever again. But all that's changed now.

A world without James' smirk, why, that's not a world at all. At least, not one I'd want to live in.

Somehow I make it to eleven despite Hestia and Sirius acting all mushy. I swear, they kiss between every sentence. Not that I blame them. They're allowed to have a healthy, physical relationship.

Just an hour more, Lily, you can do it.

The New Year's party in London is being broadcast across the UK for the pathetic people like me who are alone. I watch the shiny smiles of the reporters. It makes me sick, it really does. I can't stop hating on myself for fucking up everything. James should be here with me, not with some auror brat. How exactly does one stop from wallowing in self-pity? Merlin, I don't know!

_Shut up, Lily. Godric, you're such a whiner. If you want to talk to him so badly, you _know_ what to do._ That pesky voice whispers in my ear.

I just want to know that he's okay.

My eyes flick towards Sirius rucksack, crumpled in the corner of the foyer. It's multi-pocketed but easy enough to navigate. I wonder if he brought it…

Without thinking, I stand. What am I doing?  
"Lily, what are you doing?" Hestia asks, her head snapping towards me.

"No need to breathe on my account," I snap at her jokingly. "Just going to the loo."

Sirius makes a face and pulls Hestia back to him.

That was close.

I step into the hall and take the wrong turn away from the loo. I crouch in front of Sirius' rucksack and glance over my shoulder. From this angle it would be impossible for them to see me. As quietly as I can, I rifle through the bag, feeling all the pockets until I find what I'm looking for.

_Aha!_ I think as my fist closes over the cool square of glass at the bottom of the third pocket.

I grip the mirror tight and bolt up to my room. I sit heavily on the bed, my chest heaving and the glass clutched to my abdomen. I really need to work on getting into shape…

Focus, Lily, focus.

I stare into the mirror and see myself, wide-eyed, looking back at me. Again, what am I doing? James…he doesn't want anything to do with me. No matter what Hestia thinks, James has finally let go of whatever feelings he ever felt. How could I think that calling him away from his family just because, what? I needed to see him just to know that he was there? How could I think that would change anything?

I hate to say this, but we're from completely separate worlds. He's a pureblood and I'm a mudblood. Sooner or later everyone's gonna realize it. Being with me could mean life or death for him come graduation and…I couldn't live with myself knowing that being with me could cost him his life. James has so much to offer the Wizarding World. He's kind and handsome and about to become a kickass auror. Being with me just wouldn't be worth it, would it?

"James—" I try to say his name but it sticks in my throat.

Maybe him and the auror brat do belong together.

O.o

I awake on the morning of our final day back to Hogwarts to the smell of pancakes and bacon. Mr. Jones has surely outdone himself with the aromas wafting through my bedroom door. I allow the scent to pull me out of bed and through my morning routine before landing me on the stool at the breakfast bar.

"G'morning, love." Mr. Jones says, placing a plate heaping with goodness in front of me.

"Morning," I mumble.

"Where's Hest? She does know you're leaving today, right?" He asks, alarmed in that adorable single father dealing with a teenage daughter way. It gives me a pang in my chest.

"Of course, I made sure she was all ready last night. No last minute packing on my watch." I tell him.

I see him relax and breathe a sigh of relief. "Brilliant. I don't remember the last time we've ever been on time for the train."

I give him my most reassuring smile. "Don't worry about a thing."

Mr. Jones clasps my hand on the table. "Evans, I'm sure glad you came here this holiday." He says. My smile must've slipped because his eyes widen. "Oh no, I didn't mean it like that. It was awful what happened to you and your family. What I mean is, Hest and I are your family now. You're always welcome here."

I blink away the tears that are misting my eyes. "Thank you," I breathe.

"I smell bacon!" Hestia sings from the hallway. She barges in and takes her place beside me, pulling a plate towards her. "This smells delicious, father. I _must_ get the recipe."

"Don't sass me, missy." Her father scowls lovingly. She grins at him with a mouthful of hash and he rolls his eyes in mock disgust.

The pang in my chest happens again. But I don't feel jealous or anything, just sort of sad. I'm happy Hestia has a father as nice as Mr. Jones. I'm happy she doesn't have to go through what I have. No one deserves to lose their parents.

"Alright you two, time to go." Mr. Jones says, coming into the kitchen with our trunks. "Now bippity boppity boo on out of here."

Hestia stands and places both of our plates into the sink. "Oh daddy, you know we'll be back in no time." She says.

"Who says I want you back?"

Hestia turns around and walks into her father's arms. "I love you, daddy." I hear her whisper softly.

"Love you, too, kid."

Hestia and I grip our trucks and hold out our wands. We apparate to King's Cross where we see loads of students bustling about, saying their last farewells to parents before boarding the train. Hest and I load our trunks onto the train and board. She turns down the corridor towards the end and I hesitate to follow.

"Um, I think I'll just—" I say, gesturing towards the prefect's compartment at the front.

"Oh don't be daft, you didn't schedule a meeting."

"I know, I just think it'd be best if I sat there."

Hestia stops and stares at me. "Lily, what's this about?"

I squirm nervously. "You know what it's about."

"I very well do not." She answers, crossing her arms over her chest. "Look, if this is about James then you're being silly. I know we didn't really talk about him over the break but you can't honestly still be angry with him. I thought you'd want to, y'know, talk to him."

"I do, I guess. But I don't think he'd want to talk to me."

Hestia scoffs. "Bullshit, Lily. Come off it, you're being ridiculous. If you keep avoiding him then you'll never get anything fixed."

I shake my head. I can't forget the realization that dawned on me New Year's Eve. James and me would be a dangerous idea—for him, that is. I have to let him go, no matter how much I wish I didn't. He deserves someone good, someone who hasn't put him through hell and back. Someone who never will.

"I don't think now's the right time." I say softly.

Hestia frowns but nods anyway. "Alright, then. But when you get lonely or when you realize how dumb you're being, come find me, yeah?"

I nod. "Of course."

"See ya later, then."

I turn back towards the prefect's compartment and blindly push in, ready to break down in a fit of sobs. I'd grown accustomed to crying now, something I thought would never happen. I sit heavily on the bench, ready to start, when I notice someone else present.

"Oi," I start.

"Lily?" James asks, looking away from the window.

"James—" I take him in. _Drink_ him in more like. Merlin, he's something. His glasses are slipping down his nose and he didn't shave this morning and his hair is stuck up on one side and the other is pressed flat from leaning against the window. His jumper sleeves are pushed up to his elbows and his shoelaces are untied.

"What're you doing here?" He asks, his voice thick.

"I, um, I came here to be alone." I say quietly, still not believing he's here. What's he doing here, anyway? Shouldn't he be with his mates planning the back to school prank?

"Oh,"

"What are you doing here?" I ask, placing my hands in my lap.

"Same thing, I guess. But since you're here, I'd like to apologize for missing the last prefect meeting. It was really pants of me but I just—well, it doesn't matter my excuses. I just want to say sorry. Um, I'll leave you alone now."

He stands so quickly and lunges for the door.

"James, wait!" But he's already gone. It's like he was never even here. I hug myself and huddle against the windowed wall. I wish I could find the right words to say to him so he'd understand how terribly sorry I am for wasting his time. He didn't deserve to fall for such a horrible person like me. I don't deserve to be loved by someone like him.

O.o

I sit alone in the library, my transfiguration textbook propped in front of me. I know today was only the first week of classes, but it _is_ NEWTs year, and I need to do well. I still haven't a clue what I'm going to do once I get out of here, but that's a problem for another day.

I've barely seen James in any of my classes all week. Skiving some more? In fact, I haven't really seen him since we ran into each other on the train. Merlin, that was awkward. In a way, I'm happy I haven't run into him. It gives me time to figure out what I want to say.

I'm almost through with McGonagall's question sheet when I hear footsteps striking the ground. Whoever is making such a racket had better hope Madame Pince isn't around. Sirius rounds the stack of shelves blocking me from sight and his eyes widen with relief once he sees me.

"Prongs is missing." Sirius says, slightly out of breath.

"What?" I ask immediately. It sounded like he said _Prongs is missing_, but that can't be right. Prongs is James.

"Prongs, y'know, the messy haired git you refuse to admit you fancy. He's gone."

"Well where is he?" I ask, still shocked by his sudden outburst.

Sirius assumes an annoyed expression. "Well if I knew that I wouldn't very well be here talking to _you_, now would I?" he snaps.

I shake my head, still processing. "Why_ are_ you telling me, Sirius?"

Sirius' face softens a little and he flashes me a quick grin. "Because if he left on his own, you're the only one he'll come back for." He tells me gently.

"That's not true, James hates me." I say softly, averting my eyes, which have filled with scared tears. I know because of the way he ran out of that train compartment like I had the plague. He hasn't forgiven me for what I did to him; I won't blame him if he never does.

"Don't be daft, Evans. Prongs loves you and he always will, no matter how many times you fuck it up."

I look up at him, struggling to make sense of what he just said. James doesn't love me anymore; he made that perfectly clear the night of our fight. If he left, there's no way _I_ would be the one to persuade him to come back.

Sirius sighs, looking pointedly at his watch. "Look Evans, can we please go? I promised Moony I'd collect you and meet him in five minutes…five minutes ago. If Prongs left on his own—"

"What do you mean _if_, Sirius?"

"Evans, I don't have time for this. Just please come with me, Prongs might need your help."

"Sirius, wait." I say, catching his arm. He looks back at me with frantic eyes as if to say _not now_. "What if James didn't leave on his own?" I ask in a whisper, afraid to ask the question and terrified to hear the answer.

Sirius' eyes widen in fear as well before his expression turns grave. "Then we're gonna need a damn good witch to help get him back." He says, then grabs my hand and pulls me from the library.

The two of us jog down to a secret passageway where we meet up with Remus and Peter. They're bent over the map the boys created—which is actually an amazing use of magic.

"He's in the forest." Remus says when we get close enough.

"Great, let's go."

"He's on the outskirts, though." Peter says softly. "It's uncharted territory, literally."

"Fuck!" Sirius yells.

"Hiya, Evans." Peter nudges me.

I smile sadly at him before turning to the collective group. "Can someone please explain to me what's going on? Why is James in the forest?"

"He said something about going for a run." Remus answers slowly.

"Yesterday." Sirius adds.

"He never came back. We're afraid—we're afraid something might've happened to him. An attack." Peter finishes.

"An attack?" I choke. I can't understand what they're saying. Why—how—_what_ would attack James? "Why do you need me?"

The three boys look shiftily at each other. "Evans, there are some things that've been happening recently that a lot of people aren't fully aware of. People, bad people, are after good people. Prongs is a good guy. Merlin, I'm not making any sense. Anyone else?" Remus stutters.

Sirius scoffs. "Prongs is in danger of being sought after by You-Know-Who. We think that while he was in the forest for his run something might've happened. It could've been nothing but—well, we don't know. If he left on his own, then you might be the only reason he'd come back to Hogwarts. He's been threatening to leave for a while now because of some stuff that's been happening," he glares at me pointedly and I blush. "he thinks he's better off joining some fight than staying here. There's, um, nothing holding him here anymore."

"What about his education?" I ask, refusing to think about any implications in that short speech.

"Oh come off it, Lily. You know Prongs doesn't actually need anything they teach in this ruddy school." Sirius argues.

"This ruddy school is brilliant. Just because you and your mates need unconventional teaching styles doesn't mean—"

"Okay, enough with the lecture. Are we going or not?" Peter cuts in.

"Yes." Sirius answers. "Evans?"

"Of course I'm coming."

We walk down the path when a figure steps in our way. Hestia's golden head is haloed in the backlight and her expression is angry. Uh-oh.

"Hest?" I murmur.

"What that bloody _fuck_ is going on? You told me you were coming right back. I was in that broom cupboard for _an hour,_ you arsehole." She yells at Sirius who at least has the decency to blush.

"I, um, forgot." He stutters.

Wrong answer, Black.

"You _forgot_? What could possibly make you forget?"

"Prongs is in trouble," Peter says, annoyed. "Look, we don't have time for an explanation. I'm sure Pads will be more than happy to fill you in when we get back. But right now, will you please move the _fuck_ out of our way so we can get on with it?"

Hestia looks at him surprised. We all do. Peter is the least outspoken of the group and sometimes I forget that he's not just some brainless crony that follows behind his mates. It's trippy seeing his backbone so prominent.

"Wormtail, mate, are you okay?" Remus asks him.

"No, I'm bloody well _not_ okay. We have to get going. Prongs—" His voice cracks on James' nickname.

"Pete, we'll find him." I say, slipping my hand into his and squeezing reassuringly. At least, I hope it's reassuring. I feel the same fear in my heart.

Hest turns to her boyfriend and pulls him a little to the side.

"What's going on? Where's James, is he hurt?"

Sirius shakes his head. "I don't know, but we're going to go find him."

"Lily?" She asks.

"We might need her help. Don't worry, we'll keep her safe."

Hest nods once. "Godric, be careful."

"I will. Stay here, I'll come find you when it's over and explain everything. I won't forget this time." He nudges her cheekily and leans in. She kisses him sweetly and they press their foreheads together for a beat. My stomach feels sick with worry and as I watch them, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever get to kiss James like that. Godric, I hope so.

The four of us sneak out of the castle by way of a secret passage that leads into the forest. It's dark by the time we break surface and the air feels sinister.

"Godric, this is terrible."

"What, being out of the castle after curfew or having to find Prongs?" Sirius snaps.

"Both." I answer.

"You're impossible. Prongs can be dead for all we know and you're busy worrying over detention."

"Expulsion." I correct. "And no, I'm actually very worried about James. Believe it or not, I do care about him."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

I'm about to snap a retort when I bump into Remus who is walking with Peter in front of us.

"Oi,"

"There's blood on this branch." Remus says.

"Fuck." Sirius murmurs.

"Guys, I'm scared." Says Peter.

I step forward and take his hand in mine. I'm scared, too.

We soldier on until we reach a clearing. The branches on the trees have all been broken into jagged angles and more than a few have bloodstains on them. The grass has been trampled and the air of a fight is still lingering. This is the clearing James took me to the night of our kiss, the one where he took off my blindfold. I didn't realize it was so far from school. But then again, time works in mysterious ways when I'm with James Potter.

"Guys," Remus whispers, staring off into the distance.

We stop moving and the faint sound of laboured breathing rises from the distance. I start forward and feel hands grip mine.

"We don't know who it is." Peter whispers.

"What if it's James?" I ask. I shake his hand off and creep towards the brush from where the sound is coming. I pull aside a fallen branch to see a magnificent stag lying on its side, breathing shallowly, swimming in and out of consciousness. There's a long gash stretching across its stomach and it looks as though its leg is broken. I kneel forward and brush a tuft of hair out of his eyes. The stag has dark, rectangular markers around his eyes.

"Prongs," I whisper. I've never seen him in his animagus form before. He's beautiful.

"Merlin's soggy Y-fronts! Mate, what happened to you?" Sirius asks from behind me. He pushes me out of the way and stoops in front of James, placing an ear to his chest and listening closely. "Moony, get your arse over here. We need to get him well enough to turn back."

Remus and Sirius set to work rapidly. They speak to each other in low murmurs as if they're professionally trained Healers and have done this a million times before. Peter takes my arm and leads me to a stump far enough away to still see but not be a bother. His arm wraps around my shoulders protectively and he whispers, "It's going to be okay" over and over in my ear. I hadn't noticed I'd started to cry, but the tears just keep flowing.

That's James, _my_ James, lying there helplessly on the floor. What if—what if he doesn't make it?

"He'll make it." Peter assures me. I didn't even know I said that out loud.

James lets out a bloodcurdling scream as Remus casts a spell on him. I cringe and turn into Peter's embrace, away from the horrible sound. My hands dig into Peter's back as I hold myself from running to James' side.

I love him, dammit, why'd I ever let him go?

* * *

**A/N:** _Yay, chapter nine! I really hoped you guys liked this one 'cause I'm not sure if I do. Feel free to let me know with a review. BIG thanks to everyone who've been here since the beginning and those who've joined along the way. You may have noticed that I've been posting weekly for the past three weeks. I don't know how long that's gonna last but I'll let you know when the next post day is as usual. Thanks again, cheers!__  
_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: January, 14. _


	11. It started out with a kiss

**Chapter Ten: It started out with a kiss**

James passed out after the spell. Somewhere in his unconscious, he was able to turn back into a boy. He looked so small, lying there in the dirt. He was naked from his torso up and the cut on his side was still flowing blood. Sirius and Remus and Peter have retreated to a tree a little ways away to discuss what the next course of action would be. I stay on my stump, trying to pull myself together. I don't know how to comprehend what I'm seeing. It's like my worst nightmare unfolding before me.

Slowly, I get to my feet and walk to James' side. I kneel before him and shrug out of my school robe, wrapping it around him carefully. I sit beside him, my back against his stomach and my hand running though his hair. I can feel him breathing, feel the rise and fall of his chest against my back, and it makes me feel so _drained_. I want to curl up beside him and hold him until he wakes. I want to do that every single day for the rest of my life.

"Lily," Remus says. I look up at him and see him smiling shyly at me. "We need to move him back to the castle, it's too cold out here."

I nod and stand. "We need to tell Dumbledore what happened," I start.

"We don't know what happened." Sirius reminds me. "We'll wait until he comes around, he'll tell us then. But I doubt we'll be going to the Beard with anything."

"What are you talking about?" I say sharply. "Of course we'll tell him. James was _attacked_, Sirius."

"And how are we gonna explain why Prongs was in the forest or how he defended himself? He doesn't have his wand on him, Lily. Being an animagus saved his life and you're gonna get him in more shit than necessary telling people that."

"Not people, just Dumbledore. He'll keep it a secret."

"No, he won't. Remember what we said when you _forced_ us to tell you about us? We said _no one_ could know. It's far too dangerous. For all of us." He gestures between himself and Peter. Damn, I forgot they were animagi, too.

"We can't keep this a secret. We-we're just kids."

Remus wraps an arm around my shoulders. "Don't worry about that right now. Let's just get Prongs back safe."

Remus and Sirius levitate James while Peter and I navigate our way back to the castle. We reach our common room and according to the clock on the wall, it's _late_. I've never been in James' room before but it's different than I expected. Actually, I didn't really expect anything. I've never imagined his room. It looks just as a regular boy's room, only with hints of James splashed here and there. There's a trunk that's scarlet and gold at the foot of the bed with, what I assume is, the Potter crest stencilled on. His broom leans against the wall and there's a grooming kit open next to it. There's a wind chime hanging from the window in the shape of a snitch. His desk is messy and there's a folder that says _Ludus_ on the top. I chuckle at that one. A pile of clothes sits crumpled in front of his chest of drawers, I can make out sweaty Quidditch robes somewhere in there.

The lads place James into his unmade bed and they huddle around him. The bond these boys share is so much clearer tonight; it's overwhelming. I smile to myself.

"I don't think he's gonna wake anytime soon." Remus sighs.

Peter yawns. "We'll wait."

Remus claps a hand on his shoulder. "How about we just let him rest. We'll check on him tomorrow."

"That's an idea. I have to find Hestia, anyway." Sirius stands and stretches.

"I'll stay with him." I say softly, my hands clasped in front of me.

The boys look at me, then at each other. "You sure?" Peter asks.

"I'm probably not gonna sleep, anyway. Besides, if he does wake he shouldn't be alone." I say.

Sirius and Remus exchange a wary glance. "Evans, I don't know…"

"I do. Now out, all of you. It's late and you don't want me giving you detention."

I usher the boys from the room. Sirius stops in the doorway and turns back to me.

"Tell Hestia everything's going to be okay."

He fixes me with a hard stare. "I sure hope so, Evans." And then he leaves.

I go back to James' room and take up vigilance by his bedside. I don't know what Remus and Sirius did to him in the forest but it's peaked my curiosity. How did they know what to do? I wish I could be as deft in a crisis as they were tonight. I should've been the one to save James, not sit on a stump and cry. I was brought along to _help_ and all I did was take Peter's attention away.

I lay my head on my folded arms on his bed and fall asleep, dreaming of all the things I would do with James if I ever got the chance. I'd tell him I love him, I reckon. Over and over.

O.o

I feel a stirring and it jolts me awake. James' eyes flutter open and they instantly lock on mine.

"Lily?" He asks, groggily. "What's going on?"

I don't think, I fling my arms around him and hold him tightly. His arms find their way around me and he pulls me closer towards him. I want to sob, that's how happy I am.

"James, I'm so happy you're—you're _alive_." I breathe once I pull away.

"My head hurts." He shifts and winces. "So does my entire body. What happened?"

"We were hoping you could tell us. We found you in the forest last night half unconscious as an animagus. You'd been attacked or something." I tell him.

"Oh, yeah."

"Oh, _yeah_. That's all you bloody have to say? _Fuck_, Potter, how can you do that to me!" I seethe.

"Do _what_?" He answers, his temper flaring much like mine.

"Scare me like that. Almost _die_."

"Well sorry, next time I'll be more considerate of you."

"Thank you."

James shakes his head. "What are you even doing here? Where are the lads."

The question stings. "It was late when we brought you in…they went to bed."

"And _you_ stayed?"

"Of course I stayed."

"Why? It's not like you—" His voice cracks and he looks away. "It's not like you care."

I stand in anger, and the tears threaten to fall. "I _do_ care, James. I care a lot. You're the one who said you were done with me. Merlin, if you'd just given me a chance."

"Given you a chance?" he asks incredulously. "That's a bit rich."

I scream in frustration. "You're so _incorrigible_."

"Damn right!"

"Why are you doing this, James? Why are you pushing me away?"

"I'm not pushing you away, Lily. Merlin, in case you haven't noticed I've sort of been attacked. I almost died, you know."

"I do know that. You think I don't know I almost lost you last night?"

James quiets and his eyes refuse to meet mine. "Lost me?"

I shake my head and turn away. "I guess I already have, huh? I missed my chance. I mean, why would you want someone as—as _daft_ of a cow as me. I stayed with that wanker even though I knew—even though I knew I didn't want to. I put myself through hell so I didn't have to admit—"

"Admit what?" I hear him shift and wince again.

"That I'm afraid of you, okay?" I sigh, covering my face with my hands.

"Of me? Why?"

"You're the one person I promised myself I wouldn't fall for, y'know? And I did. I don't know what's going on with me, all my emotions are muddled and I can barely think straight. When I'm with you it's like my brain completely shuts off and all reason goes out the window. But all I know is that when you were missing…Godric, it was the _worst_ I've ever felt. I don't wanna feel that way anymore. I know you said you were done. I know I've made you wait for a lot longer than you should've. But—James, I want to be with you. I was scared before, th-that's why I held on so tightly to Hamish. I was so afraid that being without him meant I could be with you that I didn't realize being with you _isn't_ a bad thing."

"Are you done?" James whispers.

"No. Look, I've made a lot of assumptions about you. Most of them you can't say aren't true. I mean, I've had more than enough reason to refuse you in the past. But this is here and now, James. I've run out of excuses."

"And I've run out of patience."

"I know."

James sighs. "I have every right to tell you to get out, you know that? You've made me chase you up and down every ally and through every hoop. I've stuck around through it all. Even when you were with that prick, I stayed faithful to you because I kept praying that one day you'd say everything you are right now. I've wanted you for so long, Evans, I forgot why I did in the first place."

"I understand."

"No, I don't think you do. D'you know why I went into the forest? It was because when I saw you again on the train—Godric, it just _hit_ me all over again. You're not just some skirt I've been running after for a cheap thrill, Lily. You're everything. I tried so hard to be what you wanted me to be. I was the circus clown vying for your attention, the _friend_ supporting you and standing by your side. I changed everything about myself for you. But you're worth it, Evans. You-you made me a better person. That's why you have to know that I would _never_ stop fighting for you. I ran away because I couldn't deal with knowing that in all the time I spent trying to catch you, you caught me."

"What?" I ask, turning to face him.

"I'm not done with you, you daft cow. I could never be done with you. How could you even think I would be?"

"You spent New Year's with Cecelia Covington." I say lamely.

James barks a laugh. "So? Our families have spent New Year's together every year since we were kids; I couldn't get out of it even if I tried. And Merlin did I try. I wanted to come to Hestia's with Sirius but I couldn't let my dad go alone. I even had this stupid fantasy that you'd let me give you a New Year's kiss and-and everything would turn out." He blushes.

"I had the same one." I admit shyly.

"You did?"

I nod.

"Well come over here then, so we can rectify the situation." He says suggestively. "And when I say that, I mean it. Lily, I want to be with you, too. Forever."

I laugh and fold my arms over my chest. "But what about every bloke just wanting a quick kiss and a lay?" I ask, tears watering my eyes at the thought of the playful bloke in the library at the start of everything.

James' expression turns serious. He reaches for my hand and I let him take it. He pulls me towards the bed and forces me to sit. He grins, tugging on a lock of my hair. I feel the familiar lurch in my stomach and I can feel myself being drawn into him like gravity. My eyes flutter closed, he's just a breath away.

"I lied."

And then he kisses me.

O.o

"Sirius said if you left on your own, I'd be the only one you'd come back for."

I'm lying next to James, my head on his chest and an arm around his torso. The early morning sunlight shines golden through the open curtains. His arm is around my shoulders and he plays with my hair absently. We've been like this for an hour now, lying together. Every now and then I'll reach up and kiss him, just because I can. Because I want to.

I think I feel James grin against my hair and kiss my head. "He's right."

"He said you've been threatening to leave school."

James sighs. "Yeah, well. I'm needed out there more than I am here. Besides, I didn't think I had a reason to stay."

"You're wrong, I need you here."

Now I know I feel James' grin. "You do?"

"Oh shove off." I laugh. "We've already been through this."

"Not technically. Are you my girlfriend now or what?"

I bite my lip and smile. "Do you want me to be your girlfriend?" I ask coyly.

"Oh shove off." He answers.

"You haven't asked me yet!" I say reasonably.

"Fine. Lily Evans, will you be my girlfriend?"

I giggle and hug him tighter. "Yes, James Potter, I will."

I tilt my face up and he cups it gently. We kiss. Merlin, we _kiss_. And it's spectacular.

"Oi, what the hell is going on here? Evans, you were supposed to notify us the second he woke up." Sirius says, barging into the room.

I knew letting them hear our password was a mistake.

"Morning, lads!" James says brightly.

"Prongs!" The three of them rush to his side and hug him in turn. I slip off the bed during the chaos and stand to the side, smiling.

"Finally," Hestia mutters from beside me. I turn to her and stick out my tongue.

"Shut up."

"Isn't it kind of cliché that you guys are together after he almost died?" she asks.

I shrug. "Sometimes it takes something so drastic to make you realize what's obvious to everyone else.

"Oh yeah? And what's that?"

I sigh. "That, I don't know, that he's the one I want to be with."

Hestia laughs. "I know, I just wanted to hear you say it. I'm happy for you, Lils." She hugs me.

"So are you gonna tell us what happened?" Remus asks after they calm down.

James sighs. "Can't you guys just let me be happy right now?" He asks sullenly.

We all laugh, but the air of something darker threatens to take over. "I think it's better if we talk about it now." Remus says gently.

James sighs and launches into his tale. He'd left the castle in a hurry and ran into the forest. He'd turned into his animagus to run faster and out of nowhere this _thing_ appeared and attacked him. He didn't know what it was and he didn't get a good look at it. He changed back, thinking he could use his wand to protect himself better, but he realized he left it back in his room. So he turned back just quick enough to deflect the blow that gave him the massive gash on his side. He passed out shortly after because the next thing he remembers…is seeing me this morning.

Hestia can't help but _aw_ at that part, which is quite embarrassing.

"So there's nothing to connect this to You-Know-Who?" Peter asks.

"Nothing."

"Why would You-Know-Who care about you, Potter?" Hestia asks.

"Thanks,"

"I just mean, why would he want to hurt you? What've you done?"

"It's like I said before," Sirius answers for his friend. "the Potters are considered bloodtraitors and his father is one of the top aurors. Hurting Prongs not only hurts one of the enemy, it also sends a message to the rest of his family. You-Know-Who is dangerous, Hest, he won't have any problems hurting a kid."

I close my eyes. "So what are you saying, this was just a coincidence?" I ask.

"No, not really. But there's nothing to say it _was_ You-Know-Who." He answers.

"Shit, Sirius. You _still_ think we shouldn't tell Dumbledore. Even if it isn't the doing of some dark wizard, there's still something dangerous in those woods that needs to be dealt with."

"There are a lot of dangerous creatures in the woods, Lily. That's why it's forbidden. If anything, Prongs'll get in trouble for going there on his own. He knows better." Remus reasons.

"You're right, James _does_ know better." I fix my boyfriend (still reeling about that) with a cold stare.

"I told you why I went." He says diplomatically.

"Don't you blame this on me."

"I'm not. Look, I've been in the forest loads of times. It was an accident. Now can we _please_ move on?" He says forcefully.

"Not until those wounds heal, I'm afraid." Remus answers. "You'll need to stay in bed for at least a week, I reckon. How're we gonna explain that without anyone making you go to the infirmary?"

"Right, well I'm actually feeling a lot better. _I_ reckon I can be out of here by tomorrow." James says.

"Forget it. You're healing properly whether you like it or not." I say firmly.

"Fancy playing healer, Evans?" He teases me.

My cheeks blush an embarrassing colour of red. "In your dreams, Potter."

"Tsk, tsk, Evans. Girlfriends are always willing to do whatever they can to make their boyfriends feel better." He grins.

"You're impossible."

"You two are _so_ cute, it's sick." Hestia complains loudly. "Can we please go before the room explodes with sexual tension?"

"Thank you, Hestia." I say sarcastically.

"Alright, let's leave these two alone. We'll come back to visit later and we'll figure out what to do then." Remus agrees.

They leave the room, all wearing identical grins of knowing. Merlin, it's embarrassing.

Sirius pops his head back in and grins devilishly. "Be careful with him, Evans. He gets excited easily and he's still very much broken."

"Goodbye, Padfoot!" James yells, blushing just as hard as I am.

He laughs and disappears again. Silence settles over the dormitory and I know we're alone at last.

"We have such wonderful friends." I sigh, sitting down beside him.

James rubs my back soothingly. "What would we do without them?"

I feel a heat rise to my cheeks for the billionth time today and my back tenses beneath James' fingers. I don't mean to be having such dirty thoughts.

"Relax, Evans, we're not jumping into anything too quick. I want what we have to be special." He says gently. He pushes the hair away from my neck and kisses me there softly.

"James, I'm sorry."

"Why?" he mumbles against my skin. I shiver pleasantly.

"For being so difficult and for waiting so long to realize how much I want to be with you."

"Stop apologizing, Lily. The wait is over, no harm done." He says.

"No harm done? James, you almost died trying to get away from me."

"But saying sorry isn't going to fix anything. What's done is done, can't we just enjoy where we are?"

I turn towards him and cup his face in my hands. I stare into his hazel eyes and press my nose against his. "James Potter, I will never stop saying sorry."

I kiss him, slowly at first, making sure he understands how much I feel for him. I want him to know that I regret every second I spent denying myself from doing this. Kissing him, feeling him with me. I kiss him harder, pushing him against the pillows. I move my hands from his face to his hair and twist my hands through his soft locks. I dig my fingers into his scalp and press my chest against his. I pour my anger with myself into the kiss, willing him to feel it. He needs to know, he needs to know how sorry I am.

"Damn." James gasps when I pull away. "You can say sorry as many times as you want." He says, pulling me towards him again. I kiss him quickly and lay my head on his chest. His heart is pounding and his arms circle me, clinging to me as if he's about to float away.

We fall asleep, limbs tangled together. For the first time in a long time my dreams aren't laced with the bitterness of uncertainty. I'm not thinking about Hamish or how I can convince myself to stay with him. I'm not thinking about trying not to think about James. I let my subconscious take over and it strays directly to the messy haired git wrapped in my arms. I allow myself to replay our first kiss again and again in my head and when I've exhausted the thrill, I replay our second. And our third and our fourth and our fifth and our sixth.

Just as I'm taking things in my dream kiss a little further than what actually happened, my eyes spring open and I blush furiously. Damn hormones.

"Hey smiley." James whispers.

I look up groggily at him. "Hullo."

"Had a nice nap?"

"The best. How're you feeling?" I ask, sitting up. He pulls me back down and I gladly resume my position.

"A lot better, actually. Y'know, I definitely think I'll be okay to go to classes tomorrow."

I look up at him sceptically. "James, have you seen the gash that thing gave you?"

"Yes." He sighs dejectedly. "But Lily—"

"No buts. What is this about, anyway, why do you want to go to class?"

James shrugs. "I don't know."

"Potter."

"Fine." He sucks in a deep breath. "I want everyone to know you're my girlfriend." He mumbles.

"Excuse me?" I say, disbelieving.

"I've waited for this forever, okay? And I have to admit, a little part of me—okay, a _big_ part of me—wants Snape and Finaly to know that whatever attempts they made to keep us apart only delayed the inevitable."

"The inevitable, huh?" I nudge him playfully.

"Well yeah, I knew you'd fall for my charm and devilish good looks eventually." He teases me back.

"Yeah, yeah. I agree with you, though. I would love nothing more than to show them that they were wrong in trying to keep us apart. I was going to fall for you whether Snape and I liked it or not. And I did. So they can take that and shove it up their mother—"

"_Evans_."

"Sorry." I blush and grin up at him.

"I share your sentiments, exactly."

"At least take Monday off. One day in bed, we can explain that to the professors." I tell him. "And if you're feeling better on Tuesday then feel free to shove our relationship in Finaly and Snape's minging faces."

"Sorted." He smiles and my stomach flips.

My stomach growls, effectively cutting off any romantic vibes we've been sending. I blush. "I guess I'm hungry."

"Shit, what time is it? You should probably get something to eat. Shit, I shouldn't have made you stay with me." James rambles.

"James, stop. I wanted to stay with you." I laugh. "How about I pop down to the kitchens and pick us up something? You must be starved, too."

"I could eat." He shrugs.

"Bullshit." I call. "I'll be right back."

I kiss him on the forehead and sprint out of his room. Once in the corridor, I heave a sigh. It's the first time I've breathed fresh air since last night and it burns my lungs.

I am James Potter's girlfriend.

Who woulda thunk it?

Certainly not me, that's for sure.

_You finally put that brain of yours to good use, Evans. You did good, kid._ The voice in my head congratulates me.

I mean, he was right there, had been all along. All I had to do was open my eyes.

I practically skip down to the kitchens, chanting: "I'm James Potter's girlfriend" the whole way in my head. I feel so giddy I'm going to burst. I pass students on my way down and they all give me strange looks as I go. I just smile at them, if only they knew what I know.

"Chicken soup, please." I tell the house elves cheerily. "And some tea with honey and milk. Send it up to James Potter's room."

"Of course, Miss Evans. Is Mr Potter sick, miss?" One of the elves asks seriously.

"Just a tad under the weather." I lie. "He should be right as rain with a bit of food in him."

"Coming right up." She smiles toothily, then bounces off to fill my order.

I sprint back to our dormitory, eager to be with James again, when I bump into a petite woman.

"Miss Evans, where may I ask are you going in such a hurry?" Professor McGonagall asks, brushing off her robes astutely.

"Oh, Professor, I'm so sorry." I apologize. "It's just that Potter isn't feeling well so I, um, wanted to go check on him."

McGonagall's expression turns concerned. "Oh my, well is he alright? Shall I call on Poppy to take a look at him?"

"No, that won't be necessary. I think some soup and a day or two in bed should suffice."

"Hm," She hums sceptically. "Well don't let this _concern_ for your Head Boy distract you from your own Head duties. I still expect you to keep on top of _both_ of your responsibilities."

"Yes, ma'am. Of course." I nod.

"Good, now go." She jerks her head into the direction of my dorm and offers a rare smile.

I take off, careful to be slower this time, and reach the common room just in time to see James coming down the stairs.

"Excuse me, sir, where do you think you're going?" I ask, hands firmly on my hips and what I hope is an intimidating expression on my face.

He stops his hobble on the stairs and flashes me his most adorably charming smile.

"Nowhere," he answers innocently.

"James Potter, what are you doing out of bed?"

He scoffs frustrated. "I'm not a child, Evans. I'm fine, really, I promise. I don't need to stay in bed all day or have you take care of me."

I frown. "James,"

He sighs. "I hate being sick in bed. It makes me feel like an invalid."

"But you're hurt."

He lifts his shirt carefully and stares at the deep gash on his side. It's grotesque at best, but I have to admit it looks a lot better than it did last night. Whatever spell Remus cast on him was obviously very powerful.

I walk towards him and take his hand, pulling it to my face and kissing his palm. "You're not Superman, y'know."

"I can try to be."

I shake my head. "Come along, dear, I have lunch being brought to your room."

"Dear?" James asks. "Is that some sort of joke about my animagi?"

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello all you wonderful people! I hope you all got what you wanted from Chapter 10. Now we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Lily hit her head on the sense machine. The next few chapters will contain some overly mushy mush and I wouldn't say no to a bit of encouragement. Mushy mush isn't exactly my forte, see, so I could use all the kind words I can get. Tell me your thoughts, I'd love to hear from you in a review. And thanks to everyone for participating by way of subscribing/favouriting/reviewing. You lot mean the world to me._

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: January, 21. _


	12. So kiss me

**Chapter Eleven: So kiss me.**

Time has never been so uncertain as it is now that James and I are finally together. It's only been a day and it feels like a lifetime. Only, it doesn't. Not really. Sometimes it feels like no time at all has passed since he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I have to wonder why I resisted for so long. I mean, obviously because of Hamish. I thought I loved him. But I never wanted to be the kind of girl who stayed in a relationship I knew wasn't right for me. And I did it anyway. And why, for what? So that I didn't have to face the reality of knowing that James had changed.

Thinking about it now, now that I've faced my biggest fear, it's ridiculous. How is being happy with someone a bad thing? Why did I think denying myself happiness was the right thing?

I sit at James' bedside watching him sleep. I finally got him to drink a sleeping potion so that the salve Remus told me to put on him could work. The lads and Hestia came by a little while ago bringing news of the outside world. They didn't stay long because, contrary to James' belief, he was beat. It's weird that I never noticed how intense James could be, especially around the people he loves. It's like he really _is_ trying to be Superman. He acts as if he's invincible, not so much in the arrogant way that used to annoy me, but in the reckless way that scares me.

What happened in the forest was just part of a greater adventure for him.

He looks so peaceful as he sleeps. His hair fans out at the back where it presses against the pillow and his lips are parted. His cheeks are flushed probably because of a fever and his nose twitches every so often. He doesn't snore or move around, he just lies still like a log. His breath is so rhythmic and he _looks_ so rested. But his eyelids flutter and I can tell there's something going on in that head of his.

It's getting late and watching him sleep won't make me rested enough to face tomorrow. Remus agrees that James should stay in bed tomorrow so I've come up with a plan to keep him there. I'll have to go to class without him.

As great as everything turned out, I still dread having to see Hamish and Snape tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to look my ex best friend in the eye knowing what he did to me. He _paid_ some guy to go out with me to keep me away from James. He put his own selfish feelings ahead of mine and I _let_ him. I'm so embarrassed by my gullibility; I honestly cringe at the thought. I allowed him to manipulate me and what's worse; I thought I was happy with it. I was willing to—

No, I can't think about them. They're in my past, whether Snape likes it or not. It's his fault for doing what he did in the first place. He could've accepted my choice to be with James whenever that may have happened, but no. Instead he had to meddle and-and be a knob about it.

I turn down the sheets in my own room and climb in. The sheets are cool and crisp just the way I like it and my pillow still smells like soap. I slept bent over James' beside last night and my back is sore. It feels good stretching out.

_Ahhhhh_

I jolt awake to the sound of screaming. I thought at first that it was all in my head, just a dream, but the shouting continues. I jump out of bed and wrap my robe around me before running out of my room, down the stairs, up James' stairs and into his room. I see him thrashing around in his bed in the dark, the blankets twisted around him, restraining him and making it harder for him to move. A regular Devil's Snare.

I rush to his side and grab his arms. He tries to pull away but I hold him steady, holding them down.

"Shh, shh, James, you're alright." I coo soothingly. His eyes open and he stares at me, confused.

"Lily?" he croaks. I smile and hug him. He holds me tight before letting go.

"Oh James, what happened?" I ask, sitting down and fixing the blankets around him.

"I don't know. I-I dreamt I was in the forest and that thing—" He closes his eyes.

I push his fringe out of his face and kiss his forehead. "You're safe." I tell him.

He nods and shifts, wincing.

"Uh-oh, your wound." I say, lifting the blankets.

_Sweet, Merlin, he's shirtless._ He must've taken his shirt off during the night. I glance at the clock and see that it's almost 5am.

"It's opened up again." I say, touching his broken skin tenderly. "I'll have to put some of that stuff Remus gave you and maybe this time I'll bandage it." I rummage through the desk by his bed. "Just to be safe."

I turn back to him, ready to dress his wound, and see him smiling at me.

"What?" I blush.

He shakes his head. "You're really good at this Healer thing."

I roll my eyes and start dabbing at his side. "Is that some sort of suggestion, Potter, because I will not be harassed on the job."

He laughs. "No, I wouldn't dream of it. I just mean you have a real knack for making me feel better. But I'm sure it's not just me. You'd make an excellent Healer."

"You think?" I ask, leaning forward so my hair falls into my face, blocking my blush.

"I do."

"Well, thanks. Now get up so I can wrap this bandage around you."

He stands and I roll the gauzy strip around his torso. Not too loose and not too tight, just like my mum used to do when I was hurt. Thinking of her makes my heart hurt.

"Hey, what's wrong?" James asks, brushing my hair from my face.

I blink away my watery eyes and look up at him, smiling. "Nothing. I was just thinking how happy I am that you're okay."

James grins and rests his arms on my shoulders. "Lily, darling, I am okay."

"Okay, then. I'll, um, let you get back to sleep. You need your rest." I say, rubbing his cheek with my thumb.

He lets out a heavy sigh. "Yup, gonna be _resting_ all day. Y'know, with this bandage on I think I can manage a school day."

"_Forget_ it, Potter." I push him onto the bed and tuck him in. "Goodnight." I kiss him on the forehead and turn to walk away, but his hand catches my wrist.

I turn back to see James lying with his eyes closed and wearing a cheeky grin. "Not without a kiss, Nurse Evans."

O.o

Transfiguration is a cruel and unusual punishment. Double Transfiguration is torture. I had Charms first block and now I'm sitting with Hestia, Sirius, Remus and Peter in Transfiguration. There's only half an hour left before lunch. Half a bleeding hour until I can go back to my dorm and check on James. I can only imagine what he'll say when he sees me.

This morning I had to threaten to break up with him to get him to stay in bed. Which, of course didn't work. So I had to cast a spell on the prat that made him gravitationally attracted to the bed. He couldn't get farther than his bathroom until he was drawn back in. It was completely necessary, no matter how much he argues against it.

I made sure to leave him plenty to do. I left his _Ludus_ folder and all of his schoolbooks on his side table. I hope he isn't too bored.

"Pst, Lils." Hestia whispers next to me.

"Hm?"

"Stop thinking about him, he's fine."

I sigh and lean my head against my hand.

I stay like that for the rest of the lesson. I barely take note of the assignment Professor McGonagall gives us. I watch the clock _tick-tock_ slowly.

"Alright, class, you're dismissed." McGonagall utters the sweet, sweet words. "Oh, Miss Evans, will you see me a moment?"

I groan internally. I was _almost_ out the door. Hestia and the lads flash me a sympathetic smile before leaving me.

"Yes, Professor?"

She smiles quickly. "How's Mr Potter?" she asks.

"I don't know. I was _just_ about to check." I say, forcing myself not to snap at her.

"Right, well hopefully he gets better soon. It is NEWTs year."

"Yes, ma'am, hopefully."

"Anyway, Miss Evans, Professor Dumbledore asked me to query about this _Inter-house_ Quidditch match you two proposed at the start of the year. I understand the plans are coming due soon."

"Yes, of course. Um, well you see, the Quidditch match was Potter's idea and he has all the plans. I'll be sure to talk to him about it."

"Potter took charge?" she snorts haughtily. "Well, I'd sure like to see this."

I gape at her, surprised. I've never seen McGonagall show so much doubt in one of her students before. And for _James_? I know he's a pain in her arse, but deep down I always knew she secretly loves him. Kind of like me, I guess.

"With all due respect, Professor, James has shown great responsibility this year. I doubted Professor Dumbledore's decision to make him Head Boy, too, but he's really matured. I think it's unfair of you to judge him so poorly when he's done nothing wrong." I say firmly.

McGonagall raises her eyebrows at me. "I'm impressed, Miss Evans. It appears you have matured a lot this year as well. Why, it wasn't that long ago _you_ would have made a similar remark."

"Professor?"

She smiles another rare smile at me. "You're right about James, Lily. I do hope he lives up to your expectations of him. That's all, you may go."

I don't answer her. I'm still confused about what just happened. Was McGonagall just testing me to see if I would defend James? But why wouldn't I defend him? It's not a secret that we've been friends for a while. Whatever, I'm not about to delve into the mind of my Transfiguration professor.

I sprint up to my dormitory and head straight for James' room. I hear voices from within and pause to listen.

"I don't care, mate, take it off me!" James says, clearly frustrated.

"I don't know how. I've never seen this spell before."

"_Moony_, I need to get out of here."

"No, Prongs, I'm on Lily's side."

"Pads?"

"What the hell am I gonna do? If Moony can't figure it out then I sure can't."

"Dammit, I'm going _crazy_ locked in here."

"Welcome to being a boyfriend, mate. I can't believe she's already locked you away." Sirius laughs.

"Piss off. Now help me figure out how to lift the spell before she gets here." James says, fumbling with his Charms textbook.

"Too late." I sing-song, walking casually into the room.

"Evans!" The four boys chorus.

"James, I told you to forget about leaving that bed. You need to get better."

"But Lily, staying in this bed is doing worse for my sanity than anything else. I promise you I'm fit as a fiddle."

_Fit is right_.

I fold my arms over my chest and sigh. "Somehow I doubt that."

"I don't care. Take this charm off of me." James snaps.

"No. You're being stubborn."

"Damn right I am!" He yells

"Well _I_ don't care. You're going to stay in that bed and you're going to heal properly or so help me—"

"You're not the boss if me, Lily. If I don't want to lie in bed all day then I won't. You're being unfair." He says angrily.

"So caring about you is unfair?" I ask.

"Don't pull that crap with me. You know this whole thing is a joke. I'm _fine_ and making me stay here is pointless. I'm telling you how I _feel_, Evans, and I promise you it's better."

I shake my head stubbornly. "James you don't understand. It's not about how you feel. If you don't let that cut heal properly it'll get infected or something. Just ask Remus, he'll agree with me." I turn to seek Remus' confirmation that I'm right but he's not here. None of the lads are. They must've slipped out while James and I were arguing.

"You drove them away with your _craziness_." James harrumphs.

"I'm not crazy, James, I just—I don't like seeing you take what happened so lightly." I hug myself and turn away.

"Lily?" James' voice is softer.

"You don't get it. All I can see—I can't get the image of you _lying_ there on the ground so helpless out of my head. Accident or not, what happened to you wasn't nothing. You're acting like it's just a scrape and maybe it is compared to what it could've been…I just want you to be perfectly okay, okay?" I sniff and discretely dry my eyes with my sleeve

James exhales slowly. "Lily, come here." He reaches for my hand. I let him take it and pull me towards the bed. "Look at me, Lily. Take a good look because this is me _perfectly okay_." He smooths my hair with a heavy hand and pulls me down to kiss my forehead. "Thank you for caring about me."

"Your welcome." I nudge his forehead with my own and let him kiss me again, slowly this time.

"But seriously, Lils, can I please get out of here?"

I bark a laugh and kiss him again. "Okay, mister, let's see if you're ready to see daylight."

I unwrap the gauze and find that the wound on his side has healed to a pink scar running from below his navel to his armpit. In time it'll come to be just another sexy feature.

He watches me as I inspect his side with an eager, almost childlike impatience. Against my better judgement, I nod. "I hate to say this, but okay. You win, you can get out of bed."

"_Yes_!" he cheers, wrapping his arms around me. I laugh and snuggle against him.

I murmur the counter spell and he jumps up.

"I feel free." He says happily.

"Good." I love seeing him happy like this.

"You must be starved, let's go get lunch." He takes my hand and leads me down the stairs to the common room. "I'm a free man!" He announces.

"Great, now can we please go down to the Great Hall? I'm dying here." Sirius says moodily. He stands and we all follow him down to lunch.

The corridor is empty, everyone presumably at lunch. The lads walk ahead, jovially laughing and carrying on like normal. James strays back with me. He hasn't let go of my hand and I feel my hands starting to sweat. I haven't seen Hamish or Severus since we left for holiday and I'm wary of what they'll think when James and I enter hand in hand. No one knows about us yet but I'm sure they'll figure it out soon. No one's even aware of Hamish and my break up.

The reactions are sure to be strong.

I hesitate by the door, wishing to prolong our entrance.

"Lil," James asks. "are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little nervous." I say.

He squeezes my hand tight. "Don't worry about what anyone has to say." He tells me.

"They'll think I'm a slag," I whisper. "No one knows I broke up with Finlay and they know I swore to never date you. N-now everyone's gonna see me hop from one bloke to another and—"

"Lily, calm down."

"Don't you bloody tell me to calm down!" I burst. It hadn't really occurred to me how true that is until now. I mean, what are people gonna think?

"It doesn't matter what they say, Lily, I promise. It won't change the way we feel about each other nor what happened to bring us here."

"I can only imagine the hate I'm gonna get for leaving poor, sweet Hamish and for taking Golden Potter off the market." I sigh.

"Fuck them, Lily. They never had a chance with me anyway. I was always taken." He nudges me with his hip and slings the arm he's still holding my hand with over my shoulder. "You're mine and I'm yours. Everyone should know."

"And Hamish?"

James sighs. "We'll set the record straight eventually. For right now, let 'em talk." He leans in and presses his lips to mine in the most feather light kiss.

I sigh into him and nod. "Let's do this."

We walk into the Great Hall confidently. Hardly anyone notices. As we make our way to our table, slowly heads start turning and boisterous conversation turns whispered. _The Heads are hooking up, just like always. It's tradition_. I look over at James and he grins at me. I grin back.

"Oi," Sirius calls from his seat opposite us. "What d'you reckon they're saying about you lot?"

James shrugs noncommittally and I beam at him. "Doesn't matter." I say.

O.o

After lunch, James and I leave our friends and head to Potions together. The tittering of voices follows us as we go and I allow them to bounce off of me as if I'm wearing a repelling charm. James is right, I shouldn't care what they're thinking or saying about me. I want to be with James and nothing they say is going to change that, right?

Right.

James's arm is still around my shoulder, holding my hand as we walk. I can't explain it, but it feels so _right_, being wrapped up in his arms like that. We're almost to the dungeons when a figure emerges from the shadows.

"What do you want, Snape?" James asks, his voice hostile.

"I want to talk to Lily." Snape says with practised confidence.

"Fuck off." James answers and pulls me along.

I look at Snape, the first best friend I ever had, and stop. "No. I want to talk to him, too." I say.

"Lily?" They ask together in surprise.

"I'll meet you in class, save me a seat." I tell James. Pulling him by the collar, I bring his face to mine and kiss him properly, and then let him go. James winks at me and grins before shooting Snape a warning look and leaving us alone.

I glace at Severus and roll my eyes at his disgusted expression. "I don't care at all about what you think of James and I. It's your own fault, really. You could've just left us alone, let us get together in our own time. Maybe instead of plotting against us you could've found away to accept it."

"I will never accept you with him." Severus snarls.

"I _don't_ care." I remind him.

"Have you forgotten what a horrible person he is? Have you forgotten everything he's done to the kids at this school, to you, to _me?_ He's a bad person, Lily, and sooner or later he's going to hurt you."

"Like you hurt me, Severus?" I ask coolly. "You joined forces with your Slytherin buddies, you called me a _mudblood_, you can't deny you're going to be a Death Eater. You bribed a bloke to date me. You stopped me from being _happy_, Severus. It killed me to find out you were behind Hamish's disinterest. I thought there was something wrong with me! I went over it in my head a thousand times. _Why _oh_ why_ wouldn't my boyfriend treat me with some respect? Because he didn't respect me, Severus. _You_ made him not respect me. _You_ made me into this bumbling idiot trying to play faithful girlfriend. _You_ are the reason I didn't break up with him to be with James. I was still brainwashed by your hatred for the _one_ bloke in my life who _wasn't_ bad. You, Severus, you are the one to blame. So don't you dare try to tell me that you're sorry. Don't you dare try and tell me that James is going to break my heart. You broke my heart, Severus, and I will _never_ forgive you."

I can feel the tears streaming down my face. I don't try to stop them, though; I want him to see how badly he's hurt me.

Severus fixes me with his black, soulless eyes and sighs. "I did all those things, Lily, you're right. But I only did it because I care about you. Every horrible thing I've ever done was because I care about you."

"How can you even say that? As if it's true." I scoff. "How is joining the Dark Lord supposed to help me? He _hates_ people like me. And apparently so do you."

Severus shakes his head. "Lily—"

"Oi, Snape!" A chilling voice calls from down the corridor. "What're you talking to? Ooh, a filthy little mudblood. Care to share?"

Snape's composure slips and the panic set in his eyes. "Avery," He answers. His posture stiffens and his look of pleading turns into one of contempt for me. He's one of them.

"Right, you _care_ so much." I sneer and brush past him.

"What's Muddy's problem?" I hear Avery ask.

"I dunno." Severus answers.

_I'll tell you my problem_, the voice in my head screams. _I'm trying to figure how to remove the knife you just stuck in my back._

O.o

"James." I say for the third time. We're in the most secluded section of the library doing homework. My chin is resting in my hands and I'm watching James who stares intently at the Transfiguration text propped in front of him. "James," I try again. He still doesn't seem to notice me.

I sigh and let my elbow give out, making my head fall against my sprawling textbooks. "Oomph," I cry.

"Lily?" James' head snaps up and he gapes at me, concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, now I've got your attention." I pout, rubbing my head.

He stretches his arms behind his head. "Sorry, I guess I was just really, um…"

I shake my head. "It's fine. NEWTs."

James and I have been studying together for the past week. The amount of work we've been given has piled up due to the impending exams at the end of the school year. McGonagall especially has been going crazy with the number of assignments and essays she's giving. I've never seen James so into his work before, bit I must admit he has a knack for the pesky subject. I just never thought I would be the one trying to distract him.

"Hmm, I think I can use a break." He hums, leaning towards me with a mischievous grin.

I put my hand up and his face knocks into it. "Good, because tomorrow is our meeting with Dumbledore about this Quidditch match you've been planning. You _have_ been planning it, right?"

"Yeah, I have. Can't say it's going very well though. Maybe we should call the whole thing off." He sighs, throwing his quill onto the table.

"We can't. You promised Dumbledore you could handle it. Besides, so many kids already know thanks to your bragging, they'll be disappointed if we don't follow through."

"Lily, I just can't right now."

I frown at him. "James, are you okay? You love Quidditch, what's going on?" I ask, placing my hand on his.

He draws away. "Yeah, I'm fine. All this stress is getting to me."

"If you need help I'm more than happy. I mean, I don't know much about the sport or how to organize a game but I can try—"

"No, it's fine." He snaps.

I scowl at him. He looks tired and ever since his attack in the forest he hasn't been getting much sleep. Nightmares, I think.

"Well if you don't want my help, then one of the lads. I'm sure they'd love—"

"No. They're all busy with homework, too. And Hestia's always got Pads tied up recently."

A little light flickers on inside my head. "Jon," I murmur quietly. "Yeah, Jonathan Kristoff. He approached me on the train home in December and asked if he could help with the match. It totally slipped my mind, but I'm sure he's still willing. You should talk to him about it, or I can if you want. I mean, that's what the prefects are for, right?"

James looks sceptical. "Maybe,"

"James, we can't cancel." I say as gently as possible.

"Fine, I'll talk to him. But first I need to finish this and my plan for our meeting."

"Deep breath, James. Everything's gonna be okay."

"I hope so."

* * *

**A/N:** _Chapter 11 is a go! I hope you guys liked it. Feel free to let me know in a review. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and favourited and followed. And even to those of you who quietly read without making yourselves known. It means so much to me, you have no idea. Every little bit of encouragement helps. Until next time,_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: January, 28._


	13. This kiss

**Chapter Twelve: This kiss**

"Alright, you lot, let's get started." James says, his wand pointed at his throat in performance of the _sonorus_ spell.

Students are gathered in the middle of the Quiddtich field waiting for James to start try-outs for the Inter-house Quidditch match. He decided that students should be nominated for captain and then a vote would be held for the top two. Nancy O'Donoghue and Karen Schmidt were chosen and now the three of them are holding try-outs for the rest of the teams.

James, we decided, isn't allowed to participate. He was definitely reluctant with that detail, but I thought it was only fair.

Hestia and I sit in the stands along with the countless other students that've come to watch the 20 or so students milling about, ready to put their skills to the test. Sirius is among the 20 and Remus and Peter are nowhere to be found.

"I can imagine this going horribly." Hestia whispers to me.

"Me, too. But James has worked so hard on this. He hasn't let me do anything even though I've offered to help about a million times."

We shiver in the young February air. James and I have been dating for a month now. At first everyone was talking about it. I was even called a slag by the Queen Candy herself. But the news blew over carrying with it all the rumours, not one of them the truth. I still see Hamish and Snape around and it gets less painful to face them every day. Snape has taken to sneering along with his Slytherin mates every time I come near—which isn't often, if I can help it. I wonder if he even heard a word I said to him that first day in January. Probably not. Hamish is much more satisfying to watch. I have to admit, he does look remorseful. But that doesn't change what he did and it doesn't change the contempt I feel for him. No matter his reasons, he still had a hand in keeping me away from James. And for that, I'll never forgive him.

"Can these blasted _children_ please shut up so we can get on with it? Honestly, it's freezing out here." Hestia whines.

I laugh. "Why don't we go back to the castle, then? It's not likely to get any more interesting."

"I can't." She sighs. "I promised Sirius I'd stay and watch. I'm apparently his good luck charm. What a sap."

I laugh again. It makes sense that Sirius wants to play in this match. He isn't on the Gryffindor team. In fact, hardly any of these students are on their house teams and none of them are in seventh year—save for Sirius. I guess that makes sense seeing as the match is in June and it'll clash with the regular house cup and NEWTs.

Hestia continues to complain throughout the try-outs. I don't pay attention to her and focus instead on James. He's flying around the field, yelling at everyone to calm down. His hair blows away from his face and his cheeks are cherry red. I can see him pulling his hands through his hair and the corners of his mouth turned into a frown.

I for one will be happy when this whole thing is over. It's just another addition to the stress I already feel. I know James has taken most (all) of the responsibility but seeing him work so hard and also making sure I pick up his slack with other duties while his mind is otherwise occupied is a difficult job.

"Yeah, this isn't working. Let's go back to the castle." Hestia says after another half hour of freezing our arses off.

"What, why?" I ask, peeling my eyes away from my incredibly fit boyfriend.

"This is so _boring_. I mean, I love Quidditch, don't get me wrong, but this is just rubbish. It's just a bunch of kids fumbling plays. There's a reason none of them made it on their house teams."

"Hest!"

"I'm sorry, Lily, but you have to agree with me."

I bite my lip and smile a little. "Yeah, they could use a little more work. But thank Merlin after this try-out James won't have to do anything else until June."

"Speak for yourself. Sirius is gonna be so tied up in this stupid match. You should've cancelled it."

"I couldn't do that. Not to James. He was so excited about it before he realized how much work it was going to be. And I know at the end of it all he'll be happy he stuck with it."

"Fuck you and your supportive girlfriend routine."

I laugh and pull her up, ushering us towards the castle. "Y'know, that word still gives me butterflies." I sigh.

"Girlfriend? But you've been a girlfriend to somebody for about a year now."

"Yeah, but not to James'. Hamish didn't count, you know that. James is different."

Hestia squeals and clutches my arm. "Oh Lils, you have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say that. I knew James was the one, I just knew it."

"The one?" The idea jars me. I've thought about it before, of course. The idea that James was _the one_ for me and that anyone who came before doesn't matter and no one else ever will. But to hear Hestia say it so confidently makes me wonder. What does "the one" even mean? Can I really write Hamish off like that? No matter what's happened between us and how fake or real everything about our relationship was, I still had feelings for him. He still affected me. Should that just disappear because, well, I'm with James now?

"You two are going to go the distance." She continues.

O.o

I sit by the fire in my common room, playing with the fine gold chain around my neck and fingering the delicate goblin made pendant in the shape of antlers. James had given it to me as a birthday gift a month ago and I haven't taken it off since. It was beautifully crafted and sparkled just so in the light every time I moved even a fraction.

"So I can always find you, even in the dark." James told me, cupping the pendant so I could see the way it danced in the low light.

I felt a warmth spread over me at the sentiment. Knowing that he would always be there to protect me was comforting.

"What if someone else sees the light, too?" I whispered, bringing his face closer to mine, ready to kiss him my thanks.

He shook his head, smiling, "You can't see it unless you know what to look for. It works with the heart, see." He placed his palm against my chest and my heart sped up at his touch. He laughed wickedly and kissed me once. "Do I make your heart race, Evans?"

My cheeks burned then as it does now at the memory. This is all I seem to do in my free time now. Sit around and think about James. It's probably not healthy, but then again, it's probably not gonna change, either. James consumes every inch of my mind now.

I stretch my legs out on the couch and lean back; the soft pillows cushion my head. Oh how I wish I could lie like this forever. Not a care in the world.

I close my eyes and I must've drifted off to sleep because the next thing I know, I jolt awake to find the fire dying and the light from the sun waving its last goodbyes. I kick my feet out and hear a grunt. James sits at the end of the couch, my feet draped across his lap, with a quill poised in his hand and a scroll resting against the arm of the chair.

"Hullo, Lily, had a nice nap?"

"What time is it?" I ask groggily.

"Half six?"

"Ugh, perfect. I guess I better start on my homework." I say, pulling my legs away from him and sitting sideways on the couch. But my rucksack is in my room and I don't want to move. I sigh heavily. "This whole school thing isn't working out for me."

James barks a laugh and rubs his hands through his hair. "Did I just hear you say that?"

"Yes. Godric, why were NEWTs even invented?"

"To torture us, of course."

"It sure seems that way." I sigh. I contemplate dragging my arse off the couch to retrieve my books. Sitting right where I am wins out.

"It'll all be over soon." James says comfortingly.

But it doesn't feel soon. It feels like years away until we graduate. And then there's the whole not knowing what I want to do after thing. I've thought a lot about that these past few weeks. It's hard not to when everyone who isn't a blood-snob Slytherin is talking about the Dark Lord's steady upraise and what they can do to protect themselves. Anyone who isn't wiling to join him is an enemy, I know that. So what'll happen when I no longer have Hogwarts to hide behind?

The best idea I've had is to become a Healer. Watching Sirius and Remus work together to save James the night in the forest has motivated me to do the same. I never want to be in the position where I can't do everything in my witchly powers to help. I never want to be paralysed by fear ever again. I want to be in control and keep my emotions in check. _I_ want to be the one to save James next time.

Not that there'll ever be a next time. Not if I can help it.

"We need some fun." James announces suddenly. I look up at him confused. "We need to get out of this slump and do something."

"Um,"

"Let's do it." He jumps up and takes my hand in his, pulling me up, too. "Go out with me, Evans. Properly."

"Aren't I already?" I ask, my eyebrows creased.

James laughs. "No, I mean go on a date with me."

"A date?" I ask sceptically. I mentally check my schedule and come up short. I don't see a free evening in my near future.

"Yes, with me."

I shake my head sadly. "As much as I'd love to, we don't have the time. The best chance at a date we have right now is a study date. And you know how little work we get done during those." I shove him playfully.

"This weekend. You don't have even a _few_ hours to spare on me?" He asks, his lip jutting out. I roll my eyes at him unimpressed. He takes a step closer to me, still holding both my hands in his. He ducks his face so that he's looking me straight in the eyes. My heart thuds in my chest and I want to push him away so he can't see how much of an affect he has on me. But I want to pull him closer, too.

"Y'know, you don't have to do all that seduction technique stuff on me. A simple "please, Lily" would suffice." I tell him.

James barks a laugh. "I know, but it's so much fun. So, Saturday?"

"Only if you tell me what we're doing ahead of time." I answer, crossing my arms over my chest triumphantly.

James ruffles his hair sheepishly. "Well, I haven't really thought that far head yet. I was just thinking we could, I don't know, hang out or something. Forget about school and friends and Head duties and Quidditch practice and lock ourselves in the common room for an afternoon."

My heart melts at the thought. "Sounds perfect, I'll see you then."

James' face splits into a pleased grin and I reach up to kiss him on his smile.

O.o

It's Saturday afternoon. Literally, only a couple minutes after noon. James and I have locked the dormitory door (changing the password, of course, now that the lads know what it is) and are settling on the couch for whatever it is that might come out of this "date".

"Is it weird that I'm nervous?" James asks softly.

We're stretched out on the couch, my back against his chest and his arms around my middle. Our feet are tangled together before us. Our rucksacks and work folders are locked away at the bottom of our trucks in our respective rooms. I worked nonstop all week to finish my homework so that I could have these few precious hours free. There's nothing to distract us.

"Nervous?" I ask.

"Yeah," He rubs his palms on his trouser legs. "I mean, I know this isn't an official date or anything but it's the first any kind of date we've ever had. I've kind of been waiting for this for—well, that's not important."

I twist to look at him. "You are _so cute_." I tell him seriously.

"What?" He blushes.

I laugh and snuggle closer to him. "James,"

"Yes?"

"I'm really glad you never gave up on me." I say shyly.

James groans and throws his head back against the couch. "Not that again. I know, I know, I was a pathetic loser who pined after you for years and it was oh-so lovely of me to keep persevering."

"James, you're not a pathetic loser. Why are you saying that? I'm just—"

"Well stop." He says, cutting me off. He takes my hand and kisses the back of it. "Stop." He whispers. "I don't want to talk about how long it's taken us to get together or what we've been though to get here. Not today."

I frown but nod. "You're right. It doesn't matter."

We sit in silence for a moment, James playing with my hands. I like sitting here with him.

"So what are we gonna do?" I ask, sliding down a little so that I'm lying down beside him. He's propped up on his elbow and he looks down at me with one eye closed.

"I don't know."

"What a horrible date planner, you are." I tease.

He opens his mouth, offended. "Thanks a lot. I didn't see you helping."

"Oh please, we both know you were hoping we'd make out the whole time."

"One can dream." He laughs, leaning in.

I laugh too and slip off the couch. He falls forward and gets a face full of couch cushion. I laugh harder, my sides stitching.

"_Can't—breathe_." I gasp.

"You little—" James hops up from the couch and creeps towards me.

I hold my hands up and back away from him slowly. "James, don't you dare." I warn.

Too late. James pounces and I rush backwards and away from him. He lunges forward again and I barely manage to escape, darting around the couch. We circle each other, him with a crazy glint I his eye.

"James," I warn again.

"Lily," He answers back.

We square off for another minute. Then quick as lightning, James jumps over the couch and tackles me onto it. I scream—loudly—as I fall backwards. The impact is soft but his body is heavy on mine and it makes me flush all over. I feel hands move around me and then the sensation starts. The twat is _tickling_ me. I squirm around in his arms, laughter exploding from both of us so loud I can't tell who's laughing harder.

"Stop, James, _stop_." I yell between gasps for air.

He doesn't cease and I continue to thrash wildly. Finally he tires and he collapses on top of me, panting hard. My face is still flushed and I feel hot all over.

"James,"

He looks down at me, raising himself a little on his elbows so that even though our bodies are still pressed together, I can't feel much of his weight. Slowly, he leans down and kisses me. He parts my lips with his tongue and presses it against mine. The taste of him fills me. I feel it in every part of me. My toes tingle and my knees shake and my fingers clutch his arms so hard they cramp. I pull him closer. He snakes an arm around my waist and lifts me backwards so that I'm lying properly on the couch.

He breaks away, his mouth moving to my neck. I giggle and gasp as he moves to the spot below my ear. My fingers thread into his hair and I gently run them through the soft strands. I sigh. This is how a girlfriend should be treated. Like pleasing her is the only thing that matters. That's how I feel right now. Like I'm the only thing that matters.

I pull James' face back to mine and kiss him again. I lick his lips a final time and push him away.

"I think we need to out that fire." I say, fanning myself.

James laughs loudly and rolls off of me. He sits down and pulls me up so we're sitting side by side. Slowly, watching me though his eyelashes, James tugs the hem of his jumper and pulls it over his head. I watch the strip of skin between his navel and the top of his boxers appear and disappear. I gulp. He fixes his plain white undershirt properly, tugging it down securely over his stomach.

At least he has the decency to blush.

"It was really hot," He explains.

I laugh nervously and ruffle his hair. "I think we need a change in activity."

"What do you propose?"

I bite my lip. "I don't know. Um, tell me about your family."

"My family? Hm, well there's not much to tell. I'm an only child, but you already knew that. My mum died when I was fourteen. Um, my dad's an auror and most of my family works for the Ministry. I'm the last heir to the Potter, um, fortune, 'cause none of my uncles had children. They're all pretty old, actually…"

"So what was it like living in a family without any kids?"

"Okay, I guess. My family's pretty close with a lot of other old families so I always had someone to hang out with when my parents would drag me places or had parties."

"Like…Cecelia Covington?" I ask coyly.

James groans. "Yes, but not in the way I know you're thinking."

"So your parents never did the whole "if our kids got married" bit with you guys?" I say, disbelievingly.

"Well yeah, they did. But I was never interested. No way. I've made that abundantly clear to my parents over the years."

"I hear she's quite fit now." I say, quoting Sirius.

James blushes. "I don't know…"

I laugh. "James!"

"What? I haven't noticed. Even if she has, she's still one of those home-schooled Pureblood Wizard girls who aren't worth a second of my time."

"Oh my, _Godric_! She totally has a thing for you!" I jump up, my eyes bright with knowing.

"You can't be mad about that." James says, jumping up in his defence.

"I-I'm not." I say. And I'm not. I can't help it if someone likes James. "I just—I'm glad I know you have other options."

"Other—what? Lily, what are you talking about?" James asks, crossing his arms over his chest. "I can't believe you're turning this into a fight. I have no control over what Cecelia Covington does or likes or—"

"I'm not turning anything into a fight! I'm not even mad!" I yell back.

"What other options would I need?" James asks, his eyes softening in concern.

I turn away and wrap my arms around myself. The things that flooded through my mind New Year's Eve are suddenly coming back to me. I pushed aside all the feelings I had about not being good for James when I realized I could lose him. I've ignored them this whole time, choosing to believe that what I feel for him and what he claims to feel for me is more important than anything else. But what if I'm just kidding myself? What if—

"Lily," James barks, snapping me from my thoughts. "I don't understand what you're talking about or why you're even bring this up. You-you asked me about my _family_ and now it seems like-like you're—"

"James, I'm not mad. I'm just being insecure, that's all. I mean, a girl finds out that her boyfriend has other girls waiting for him to become available…"

James strides towards me and takes me by the arms, looking me in the eye. "That's never gonna happen, Lil. If I wanted her I would be with her. But I want to be with you. That's why I've waited so long. Because I've always wanted to be with you." He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. "If you're talking about my dad, he knows all about you. Merlin, I barely shut up about you. He knows that Cecelia and I were never going to happen. It's just talk between old families with them. He—he knows where my heart is. With _you_."

"What if I disappoint you?" I whisper.

James laughs. "I'd rather risk you breaking my heart a million times than never getting to do this—" He kisses me softly.

I smile up at him shyly. "Really?"

"Fuck, Lily, _yes_."

"Okay. Then tell me about having Sirius as a brother."

O.o

James and I talk.

And talk and talk well into the afternoon and early evening. We don't stop pestering each other with silly little questions, little kisses scattered in between.

"Favourite colour?"

"Green."

"Shut up, tell me the truth."

"Well, it _was_ green. But then Slytherin mucked it up for me. So I guess red now, but that seems too cliché for me."

"A little bit, yeah."

"Biggest fear?"

"Heights."

"Really?"

"Well, it _was_ heights. But I have a very fond memory of it now, so…I guess not."

And so it went.

"Do you ever think this war will end?" He asks me.

"Is it a war?" I ask back. I didn't think it was so bad. But then again, I don't have an auror father to pass along information. Nor do I have the Dark Lord himself sending creatures after me in the dark.

He runs his hand lightly over my bare arm. "Yeah, I think it is. A-a lot of bad stuff is happening out there."

"But we're here."

"Not for much longer."

I think about it for a minute. He's right, of course. Hogwarts isn't going to be an option of protection for much longer. I've always known that. But did I really? Because up until now, the knowledge hadn't sunk in.

"The war will end," I say carefully. "Eventually. And when it does, we'll be able to say we made it through."

"We will?" He asks me, smiling.

I lean my head against his chest and smile into his shirt. I nod.

"Let's do something fun," I say, eager to change the subject.

"What do you suggest?" James' tone is thoroughly amused.

"When I was a little girl and we were at a loss for things to do, my father used to read poetry for me from his favourite book. I used to finish my homework early and pretend there was nothing on telly so that he would read. Sometimes he'd let me pick my favourites but mostly he'd just read me his." I sniff, wondering where the sudden memory came from and why I felt such a strong need to share it. "There was this quote by Charles Baudelaire that he used to tell me. Uh, what was it? _Always be a poet, even in prose_. Yeah, that's it."

"What do you think it means?" James asks, rubbing circles on my back.

I stand and stride over to the massive bookshelf on the opposite wall. There's bound to be a book of Muggle poetry somewhere in here.

"I don't know; I never really thought about it. I guess it means exactly what it's saying: to do everything with beauty. I-I don't know." My face feels hot. "Um, I think there might be something we can use—"

I feel so embarrassed. I have no clue where that came from. I haven't thought about my dad in such a long time and even my mum hasn't made an appearance in my thoughts for a while. No, that's not entirely true. I think about my parents every day…It's just, I try not to dwell too much on their passing. It won't do me any good now.

I busy myself looking for a book but all I see are textbooks and there's a small section of Wizard fairy tales. _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ is a prominent one.

"I can't seem to find one—" I start when I feel James' arms snake around my waist. His chin rests on my shoulder. "James?"

"Hmm?" He hums in my ear. He pulls me closer against him and tightens his hold on me.

I lean my head back. "Ja-ames." I try again.

He hums again, this time carrying an unfamiliar tune. He turns me around, his left arm around my waist and his right hand holding my left. I instinctively place my left hand on his shoulder and he holds my frame up straight.

"James, what are we doing?" I whisper, a smile creeping out.

James shakes his head, a placid smile on his face. He continues to hum, the tune growing louder in his voice. He sways us from side to side, spinning me around the common room. I can't help laughing at the tranquil expression on his face. He laughs too, breaking the gentlemanly façade and replacing it with one of the boisterous troublemaker I know so well. He picks up speed in his—can we call this dancing? I'm laughing so hard I feel like my cheeks might break. I shriek has he dips me and kisses me on the mouth.

"James Potter!" I gasp, flushing happily.

I turn my head, hiding my coloured cheeks, laughing.

"I love you."

The words hit me like a bucket of cold water. I stop dancing and turn my head to look at his face. It's red, from his neck to his hairline. He looks the shiest I've ever seen him but also the most sincere. He's looking down and the spot where are stomachs are pressed together and I can feel the hand that's still holding mine twitching to run through his hair.

"You-you do?" I ask, slightly breathless. That's the first time that iconic sequence of words, syllables, letters, have been spoken to me in even slightly a romantic context. I'd assumed Hamish loved me because, obviously, he never actually said it out loud. I've never said them, either. I always promised myself that the first time I said them would be when I without a doubt knew it was true.

James clears his throat and flashes me a quick grin that doesn't reach his eyes. "Of course I do. Um, let's get that book…" He lets go of me and walks to the bookshelf, his hand raking roughly through his hair.

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello readers! I think this is the perfect chapter to post at this time because I have some kind of bad news. Here goes: we'll be going back to biweekly updates for at least the next two chapters. Don't be angry! Hopefully this chapter will tide you over until then. Thank you so much to everyone who's giving my little 'ol story some attention. And a special thank you to everyone who reviews every week, it makes me feel so good when I can recognize your usernames :)_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: February, 11. _


	14. Kiss me slowly

**Chapter Thirteen: Kiss me slowly**

I know I love James. So what stopped me from telling him?

Was it the stark fear of falling in love with someone I still thought I shouldn't? Was it not being capable of capturing the intense emotion I feel for him and confining it to a lifetime inside the inadequate three words, eight letters we all vie for? Or was it something else?

Because I honestly didn't know.

The moment passed before I was able to form the words and he went on as if nothing had happened. We went down for dinner early and James held my hand under the table the whole time, meaning he had to eat with his left hand.

It's funny how I didn't automatically doubt James' love for me. After being lied to for so long, I thought I'd be more wary the next time it was presented to me. But with James, I believed it so wholeheartedly. I know in my heart he would never lie to me about that.

But that doesn't explain why I couldn't say it back to him.

"Hey, Lils, are you ready to go?" Hestia calls from outside the common room. She bangs on the door impatiently. "I've been out here forever!"

"Yup, I'm coming." I grab my bag and open the door. It's the first week in March and the weather is cooperating nicely. The sun is shining for once and the snow is all melted, leaving the grass dry and crunchy. We've decided that to commemorate this occasion we'd study outside by the lake.

"I'm weirdly excited about this." Hestia says as we march down the steps.

"So am I. The thought of breathing fresh air makes me giddy."

We step out onto the grounds and I instantly suck in a deep breath that fills my lungs with the sweet scent of late winter. Gosh, it feels wonderful.

"I think I'm in love with today." Hestia sighs, stretching out on the grass.

"I agree." I say, following her lead.

"Know what I love even more?" She asks. I shrug even though her eyes are closed and can't see me. "I love that I don't have to deal with pesky boyfriends."

That puzzles me. "What do you mean?"

Hest sighs. "Nothing. It's just that…I don't think Sirius is very _serious_ about me anymore."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about, Jones?" I ask her. She has to be crazy if she thinks Sirius doesn't feel as strongly about her has he always has. Honestly, he'd chased her for almost as long as James chased me and the only reason it hasn't been _as_ long is because she said yes before I did.

"I just think we're growing apart. The thrill has all but left us."

"The thrill?"

"Y'know, the _newness_ of the relationship. We're past the honeymoon stage and now it feels like we've been together forever."

"But that's good, isn't it? I mean, the whole point in dating is to find someone you can be comfortable with, right? You and Sirius—you're the most comfortable I've ever seen."

"I'm only 17, Lils, I'm not looking for a husband. I'm not saying Sirius and I are breaking up or that I want to. I just—it's nice not having to be together every second."

I bite my lip. "Do you think James and I need to be together every second?" I ask.

Hestia opens one eye and peers at me scrupulously. "Are you thinking about him right now?" I blush. "Then there's your answer. Sometimes being together means just _thinking_ about being together."

"Are you saying you don't think about being with him anymore?" I ask.

"I do. Just not always."

I fall back against the grass. "Godric, is that what I have to look forward to?"

"What?"

"Not always thinking about him? Because if it is, I don't know if I can handle it. James is my _everything_ now."

"Shit, you got it bad."

"I know I do. It's like—like I can't imagine my life before him. Remind me why I waited this long to notice him?"

"Because he was a git. Look, you've been in a relationship before."

"But not like this. Not for real. What I feel for James is on a completely different chart than what I felt for Hamish."

Hestia doesn't say anything and I'm worried I said something too stupid to respond to. I flip onto my side to look at her face in case she gives any indication of my stupidity. Why can I tell Hestia how I feel and not James himself? He deserves to know, doesn't he? That I never want to go a day without him.

"Can I tell you something?" I ask after another moment.

She rolls over and watches me with wide eyes. "Always."

I roll on my back. "He told me he loves me."

"What? When? How?" She gasps excitedly.

"A few weeks ago when we locked ourselves in our common room. It just sort of slipped out. But, I don't know, I could tell that he meant it." I shake my head. "He hasn't mentioned it since."

"Why not? What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Well what did you _say_?"

"Nothing…I didn't know what to say. No one has explicitly told me they loved me before. I was surprised. So I asked if he meant it and he said of course and now it's like it never happened."

"Lily,"

"I love him." I say.

"You do?"

"Yes." I answer confidently. "But I don't think I'm _in_ love with him. At least, not yet."

"Then I think you should tell him."

I don't say anything else and neither does she. We silently arrange our books and study without another word. I know I should tell him. Didn't I promise myself I would tell him I loved him if he woke up from that horrible attack? Over and over again, if I remember correctly. And yet the words still haven't left my lips. What am I waiting for? What's stopping me from telling James that I love him?

"Oi, Lily!" A thickly accented voice calls. I look up to see Hamish walking towards us, his tie flapping behind him in the wind and his hair messy. He looks good for a lying bastard.

"What do you want Finlay?" Hestia asks coolly, her eyes narrowed in disgust.

"I need to talk to you, Lily." Hamish says, ignoring her.

"She doesn't what to talk to you." Hestia crosses her arms protectively.

"Please, Lily." He begs.

I don't want to, I know I'd be an idiot if I did. But something in me—the same thing that told me to talk to Snape—is urging me to listen. Maybe listening to him and finally getting closure is what I need to give myself completely to James.

"Fine, Finlay."

"Lils," Hestia starts.

"I'll be right back." I tell her and stand to follow him down the path.

Once out of earshot I turn to him with a murderous expression. "Okay, what do you want?" I ask.

"I just want to know if you're okay." Hamish says, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"It's been months." I state.

"I know." He hangs his head. "But that doesn't mean I don't still care."

I snort. "Bullshit. You never cared about if I was okay before. So why now?"

"I feel really bad about what I did, okay? I'm so, _so_ sorry."

"As you should be. Y'know, it was really low of you to pretend you cared about me the way you did. I don't need to tell you what you did. But just so you know, I'll never forgive you for it."

He tugs his fringe. "I know that. But I'm happy to see you two together."

"Yeah,"

"For the record, I always hoped you would end up with him. I saw the way you looked at him and I knew that even if I _did_ have real feelings for you, you'd never look at me that way."

"Spare me the pity act." I scoff.

"I'm not that bad a guy." Hamish says sadly. "There's so much you don't know."

"I know all I need to. What kind of person agrees to date a girl just to keep her away from another guy?" I say scathingly.

"You could've broken up to me, you know. Merlin knows I gave you enough reasons to. _You_ chose to stay with me. _You_ chose to make the plan work. I tried to make you dump me but then Snape was putting all this pressure on me…I was confused. I had to date you if I wanted to do well on my NEWTs." He explains animatedly.

"No, you didn't. You could've gotten help with your schoolwork. You didn't have to—you didn't have to break my heart." I choke.

Hamish shakes his head. "Don't do that, Lily. You never loved me and you know it. You've always loved James and _that's_ what had Snape so worried. He was afraid you'd realize that sooner rather than later so he asked me to delay your feelings until, at least, graduation. That way you two could go your separate ways."

Tears well in my eyes and I brush them away stubbornly. "I'm safe with James. Out-out there—I can't make it on my own. I'm better with him than I am without."

The thought of being in a world without James seems impossible now. I love him so much and I know he loves me right back. That comfort alone can keep me going in the darkest of times.

"Good," Hamish says. "Then we're done here."

"No, we're not. You said there was so much I didn't know. Well, I want you to tell me. Why aren't you such a bad guy?"

Hamish heaves a great sigh. He looks into the distance, over the lake, ominously. "I fell in love with a girl who I shouldn't've. I fell so hard I was willing to do whatever I had to to make it work. Including, unfortunately, hurting a really great girl. Snape—he's different. He made me think hurting you was _justified_. That I-I had no other options. I wanted to believe him. His intentions, Godric, they sounded so good. Keep Lily Evans out of the clutches of the evil James Potter. The things he said about him made me sick. So I agreed, thinking I was doing you a favour. But then…then I started rooting for him. I realized that James Potter wasn't evil. He cared about you so much more than I could ever dream of. So I started being shitty towards you, thinking that you'd have enough and dump me and go running into James' arms and stick it to Snape. But you never did."

"So it's still all my fault. Because I thought I cared about you?"

Hamish looks me in the eyes and shakes his head. "Do you know _why_ Snape chose me? He could've chosen any other lad and offered them any other deal. But do you know why he chose me?"

I shake my head.

"It's because, as Snape put it, I'm exactly like you. I'm studious, I'm handsome and I'm a nice guy. That's what he said. And we were so much alike, were we not? Isn't that why you said yes in the first place? Because you liked that I was smart and likable and had a decent future ahead of me? I was safe. But then you started to change, too. The more time you spent with James the more reckless you became. You started living outside the books. So I figured that's how I would push you away. I'd spend more time _inside_ the books, you'd get bored of me and leave."

"Why does it always boil down to me not leaving you? If this was weighing so heavily on your conscience, why didn't you just come clean?"

"Because if you dumped me then we both could've been happy. Snape would've had to help me because as far as he was concerned, you dumping me wouldn't've been my fault and you could've been with James. So yeah, Lily, it does boil down to you not leaving me."

"Merlin, you are so full of shit. Do you honestly believe that? You're still justifying your actions when the truth is you _played me like a fool_. Nothing you can say will ever make me understand why you would do such a horrible thing. You made me think you loved me when you didn't. That's all there is."

Hamish shakes his head. "Just because you were too blind to see—"

"Well I'm not anymore." I say, cutting him off. "Now we're done here."

I turn and stomp off before he can say anything more. How dare he try to make it seem like what he did wasn't his fault. I'm sick of being talked at and blamed—be it by someone else or myself—for being so naïve. I get that I made a mistake trusting Hamish and for letting my fear of James get in the way of my love for him. But it's time someone else started owning up to their mistakes, too, and not just passing them off on me.

"Are you okay?" Hestia asks when I reach her.

"I'm finally done with him. It's over and I never have to worry myself with what happened ever again. I'm with James now, hopefully for a long time, and I'm not looking back."

Hestia grins. "Good, I'm glad."

O.o

The fourth Hogsmeade weekend is upon us and James and I are going there on our first official outing as a couple. Wow, that sounds old fashioned… What I mean is: the only dates we've had so far have happened within the walls of the castle. This time we'll be out and about with other students, doing as we please in a public setting.

Suffice it to say, I'm nervous.

I smooth my skirt a hundred times, brush my hair a thousand and check that my makeup is perfect every other minute. I want to look my very best for this date.

I glance at my watch and see that I'm already fifteen minutes late to meet him. Why hasn't he called for me to hurry up? James has never had a problem calling me out for being late to patrols, so why is he so silent today?

I grab my purse and skip down the stairs. James is sitting on the couch, his palms rubbing nervously on his jeans. They're casual black and it looks like he cleaned his trainers. He's wearing a white dress shirt and black tie underneath a dark red jumper. He looks extremely dishy and a big part of me wants to tell him to forget the date and let's stay here. I suck in a deep breath, smoothing my skirt one more time and step carefully down the stairs.

"Hullo," I say from behind him.

He jumps up, one hand flying automatically to the back of his head. His face splits into a grin when he sees me. "Hi."

"All set?" I ask.

"Yup. Uh, you look great." He says.

I laugh. "As do you."

He blushes and reaches for my hand. I let him take it and lead me out of the common room.

"Where are we going?" I ask James, swinging our hands between us.

"It's a surprise." He answers coyly.

I groan. "Why?"

"Why not?"

I sigh. "Fine, whatever. As long as I can get at least half an hour away from you." I say without thinking.

James glances at me, hurt. "What?"

"Oh, no, I don't mean it that way!" I say quickly. "There's just something I need to, um, take care of without you."

James watches me, puzzled. "Okay."

I smile at him and squeeze his hand. "Don't worry,"

"I'm not." His tone is clipped.

I roll my eyes. We share a carriage with a group of fifth years that gossip about so and so the entire ride. Once in the glorious town of Hogsmeade, James and I head straight for the Three Broomsticks. There's an empty table at the back of the pub and we slide right in.

"I'll be right back," James goes to the bar to order our drinks.

I shrug off my cloak and play with the coasters while I wait for him to come back. The pub is full of students on dates, I realize. Has it always been that way? I see many of our Prefects out with each other; many of whom I didn't know was even dating. I glance at the bar and see Candy Gibbons leaning far too closely to James. He tips his imaginary hat to her and walks back over, two bottles of Butterbeer in his hands.

I take the one he slides towards me as he slips into the chair opposite mine.

"What was that about?" I ask, tilting my head towards Candy. She's looking at us, leaning in a casually slaggy way against the bar.

James shrugs taking a pull of his drink. "Gibbons being Gibbons, I guess. She's been badgering me lately—about Quidditch of all things."

"Badgering you?" I snort.

"Y'know, asking me stupid little questions. It's so annoying."

I take a swing of my own bottle and glace around the room. "What did Hest and Sirius say they were doing today? I can't see them anywhere."

"They're probably in some broom cupboard. Which, by the way, sounds like a pretty great idea right about now. Seriously, Lils, you look wow."

I blush and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "Shut up."

James grins. "What d'you say, Evans, fancy spending some time in a broom cupboard with me?" He asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No," I tell him, shaking my head with a grin. "it sounds terrible, really."

James' jaw drops in offence. "Why you little—" he reaches across the table, grabs my bottle, and takes a long pull. "_Ah_," he says, placing the empty bottle firmly on the table.

"What the fuck, James?" I say, angrily.

James laughs. "Oh, I'm _sorry_."

I glare at him before laughing reluctantly. "You have foam on your lip." I tell him.

"Care to help me out with that?" He asks suggestively.

I close one eye and regard him. Laughing, I reach across the table and kiss him, licking off the foam. His mouth tastes sweet and salty like the drink. I could definitely see myself getting drunk on this later…

I pull away and he keeps his eyes closed a second or two more.

"Did you get it?" He whispers huskily.

I nod, my body feeling hot. I pluck his bottle off the table and drain the contents to busy myself. We stare at each other for a moment. All I want to do is reach over and kiss him again.

"Ready to go?" he asks.

"Yeah, where are we going?" I ask, starting to wrap my cloak around my shoulders.

James turns and winks at me. "I told you, it's a surprise."

O.o

The big surprise was a trip up a muddy hill, stumbling over fallen branches and rotten leaves to an abandoned house at the top.

"The Shrieking Shack?" I pant, clutching my sides. "But you said I could never come here."

James lifts his arms over his head, stretching. "That was before." He answers. I shoot him a puzzled look. "Before you were my girlfriend."

"I don't see the connection."

"The lads and I made a pact when Pads, Wormy and I completed our transformations. Obviously our biggest concern at the time was how we could pull girls and what better than to take them to a scary abandoned house?" He turns away, looking at the broken old building. "Well, it was too dangerous to bring just any random bird up here 'cause what if everything went south and she decided to come up here with someone else at the wrong time? So we decided that we would only bring girls we were serious about—ones who knew about our secret."

I can't help smiling at the thought of being the girl he is serious about. "But I've known for ages."

"But you weren't my girlfriend."

I step behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head on his back. "I am now." I press my face into his shirt and inhale deeply. He smells like a damp forest.

The muscles on his back flex and I can tell he's smiling. "You are." He confirms. "So are you ready to go in?"

"Yes! I'm excited to see what you lot get up to in there." I say, jumping up and down.

James laughs. "Not much, to be honest." He takes my hand and pulls me along until we reach an almost invisible break in the fence.

"Wait," I say, pulling him to a stop. He drops the branch he was holding out of the way.

"What?"

"Has Hestia been here yet? Why hasn't she told me all about it? Is there, like, some confidentiality agreement I have to sign saying I'm not allowed to talk about it?" I joke.

James' face darkens and his eyes flick away from mine. "No, nothing like that." He clears his throat. "Sirius hasn't brought her."

"W-why not?"

James shrugs. "I really don't know."

"Oh no." I moan.

"What?"

"Sirius isn't serious about her, is he?"

"When is Sirius ever serious about anything?" James laughs.

"Don't do that. Hestia is my best friend, I have a right to know if the relationship she's in is going nowhere."

James shakes his head. "Lily, I don't know."

"Bull—"

"Shit, I know. But it's not our business. Do you know how many times Padfoot tried to talk me out of the relationship I thought was going nowhere with _you_? And do you have any idea how many times I told him to shove it up his arse?"

"That's different."

"Maybe. But the fact is I didn't listen to him. Pads loves Hestia, I know he does. But taking someone to the Shack isn't exactly a light date activity. I'm taking you here because I think I'm ready. If Padfoot isn't then we have to respect that he knows what he's doing."

I shiver. James is right, of course. I just can't help remembering how sad Hestia seemed when she told me that the fire between them had all but gone out.

"Why is taking someone to the Shack such a big deal?" I ask. James holds a branch out of the way and helps me climb through the hole in the fence.

"You'll see."

We enter through an unhinged front door into a dark, musty smelling foyer. A cloud of dust bursts around us.

"Never been through the front door before." James coughs.

Once the air settles I can see what James means. If I thought the scar on James' side was grotesque at best, it's _nothing_ compared to the state of the Shack. Every inch in the tiny room is covered with scratches and blood and bones from small animals.

I feel a coldness creeping up my spine at the sight and it makes me want to run and hide. It's like the house _is_ haunted. Only, not by ghosts: by _feelings_ of despair.

"J-James," I whisper. I stumble back in the dim light coming through the various holes in the walls, trying to find him.

"Dammit." I hear him mutter. He hits something and a lantern is lit. He brings it up to his face. "There you are." He sighs. "Don't wanna get lost in here."

"Okay, I get it. Anyone who sees this place is bound to run for the hills."

"Does that include you?"

I take one cautious step towards him. "No…"

"You're in it—"

"For the long run, yes."

James smiles widely. He clenches his fist as if about to thrust it in the air. "Honestly, Lils, I never get tired of hearing that."

I laugh and hug myself. "And Merlin knows I never get tired of saying it."

James draws me into his arms and kisses me under the lamplight. "Do you want the grand tour?"

I crinkle my nose. "Can I pass?"

"Nope, come on."

O.o

James shows me everything from the front door to the secret passageway the boys use to get there and finally, the bedroom, which holds a beautifully smashed bed.

After a significant amount of time in there, James and I head back down to Hogsmeade village. Our intertwined hands swing between us as we walk and I swear birds are chirping.

"Oh shit, I need to go." I say, realizing that the day's almost over and I haven't had a chance to do what I need to.

"You're not gonna pull that Muggle fairytale crap on me, are you? Charcoalla or something?" He groans.

"Cinderella." I correct. "And no, I told you I had something to do."

"Yes, I do recall." He pinches the bridge of his nose. "You'll be back soon?"

"As soon as I can be. Go spend time in a pub somewhere or whatever it is guys do when their girlfriends are out of commission, I'll find you when I'm done."

"Aye aye captain." James salutes me before turning stiffly and marching off in the direction of the Hog's Head.

I laugh to myself for a moment and then turn in the opposite direction towards where I am supposed to meet Hestia. I've been thinking about it for weeks now and admittedly, all day. What on this bloody earth am I going to get James for his birthday? I need it to be special, the most wonderful, spectacular gift I could ever get anyone.

"'Bout fucking time." Hestia calls when I'm in earshot. She's standing outside Zonko's rolling what appears to be a marble in her hand.

"We were busy. What've you got there?"

"Busy, eh?" She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. "They're giving out free samples of this loaded marble. It never goes out of the circle."

"Lame."

"Oh, two months with Potter and already you're a prankster extraordinaire?"

I giggle. "Two months."

"Shut up, you sap. Now can we get on with it?" She waves her hand towards the shop. "I don't see why you couldn't ask one of the lads to help you."

"Because they're not someone's girlfriend. I need something sentimental, not just another prank idea."

"So what are we doing in Zonko's? This place is full of useless junk. If you want a real gift, go to a real gift shop."

"James wouldn't like anything like that."

"No," Hestia closes one eye and regards me jokingly. "He would _like_ you to be his personal se—"

"_Okay,_ Hestia, that's enough." I cut her off, blushing until my face burns bright red.

Hestia laughs loudly. "So what are you gonna do?"

I look wearily at Zonko's and sigh. "I'm just gonna have to figure something else out, I guess."

"That might be for the best, after all, he probably has everything in here already."

We turn and leave. I haven't a clue where else we could go, but I'll just have to keep looking. We walk up and down the aisles of every shop we enter—twice. I'm about to give up when something in the window of a shop we'd already scoured catches my eye. I stop midstride and turn to ogle the widow display. It's _perfect_.

"Lily?" Hestia comes up behind me. "Whoa,"

"Think he'll like it?" I ask with a smile.

"Oh, definitely." She nods.

I stride into the shop and purchase James' gift, a confident smile on my face. _Godric_, he's gonna love it.

"I'm so glad we got that over with. Not that shopping with you isn't fun, but I _so_ wouldn't've liked having to do that again." Hestia sighs.

"What are you talking about? It only took us—shit." I glance at my watch to see that we've spent almost two hours searching. How could I not have noticed the setting sun?

"I'll see you back at the castle." Hestia hugs me and heads in the direction of Hogwarts.

Still reeling with excitement, I walk quickly to the Hog's Head, hoping James isn't too angry that I kept him waiting for so long. After all, today was supposed to be a date.

The second I walk into the dingy bar my eyes instantly find James who's standing at the far corner, wrapped in the embrace of _another girl_.

My vision turns red and my knees turn weak. I don't know what I feel, exactly. A cross between being punched in the gut and having surgery done on my heart sans any sort of anaesthesia maybe comes close to describing it.

My legs walk me closer and I hear myself whispering his name and then repeating it louder and gruffer.

The girl releases him and I can see that she is a very smug looking Candy Gibbons.

"What's going on?" I choke, trying hard not to cry.

"Lily, oh my Godric, I didn't—_no_, I _didn't_." James stutters, backing against the wall and then taking a step towards me and then backing up again, his hands raised. "She just—it wasn't my fault."

I can't look at him so I turn to Candy. "What the _fuck?_"

Candy crosses her arms over her chest and shrugs. "He's a _really_ good snogger, eh, Lils?"

"We did _not_ kiss." James says vehemently.

"Well, I seem to recall that one time in fifth year… Thought I'd see if you still had your magic touch." She winks.

"You make me _sick_." I whisper. I'm trying so hard not to cry but I can feel myself starting to slip. I turn quickly and run out of the pub before I lose it.

"Lily!" James calls from behind me. He follows me outside and grabs my arm before I can get very far. "Lily, I didn't kiss her, I swear. She came onto me."

"Yeah, Lily, it was all my fault." Candy says, coming up behind him. Her arms are still crossed and she has on the expression of someone who's just won the lottery. "This time. But who knows what'll happen in the future."

"Shut up!" James yells at her. "Why don't you leave us alone? I'm not interested in you and I never will be. If _I _recall correctly, that kiss in fifth year was due to a game of spin the bottle. So stop kidding yourself."

Candy's jaw tightens. "You two are a joke." She says scathingly. "Honestly, you and your friends think I'm a slag? One minute you're dating Hamish Finaly and the next thing we all know, you're out with James Potter. And how long exactly have you been stringing him along? It's just a matter of time before you break his little heart or get him killed. Because FYI, Evans, being with you is the last thing Potter needs when we leave school. Muggleborns shouldn't even be allowed near Purebloods." She spits, turns on her heel and walks away, her hips swaying.

I can't help it; I shake myself free from James' grip and cover my face so he can't see my tears.

"Lily,"

"She's right," I whimper. "Oh Merlin, she's right." I hold myself and slide down against the wall, tears streaming steadily down my face.

"What are you talking about?"

"You could get killed because of me." Every insecurity I've ever had because of this relationship comes pounding down on me. I've done such a good job of hiding how wrong I think James being with me is. I haven't brought it up since our last conversation about Cecelia Covington. But hearing Candy say it and knowing that there are others thinking the same thing—that's something I can't ignore.

"Lily, that's ridiculous." James squats beside me and rubs my back soothingly. "You can't listen to any of the filth coming out of that girl's mouth."

I shy away from him. "I'm a total slag." She's right; as far as the rest of the school is concerned, I ditched Hamish for James. They don't know why I left Hamish or how much time I spent denying myself from being with James. They don't care.

"No you're not!"

"I am, I am, I am." I rock back and forth, burying my face in my hands.

I'm losing it, this is what losing it feels like.

"I'm gonna hurt you." I say.

"That's not what this is about, is it? Not about you hurting me, but me hurting you." James' voice is hard and it makes me stop my crying and look at him. His jaw is set tight and his fists are clenched. He's standing now and he towers over me menacingly.

"What?" I squeak.

"You're not afraid of hurting me. This whole you being Muggleborn and making me a target thing is just a cover for something else." The edge in his voice sobers me quickly.

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is. You think _I'm_ going to hurt _you_. I _knew _it. What you saw in there—it just solidified your fear. But I'd never do that—I'd never cheat on you. Godric, I'd be one daft fucker if I ever did anything to betray your trust. Candy is nothing to me and what she did proves I'm nothing to her. If she wanted me, she knows that is the _last_ thing she should be doing. Because _you_ are the only one I want. Ever."

"James,"

"And I hate that you don't trust me. I hate being your second choice. I hate that I'm the guy you don't know _how_ to trust because some other guy fucked you over."

"I _do_ trust you. What Snape and Finlay did, that has nothing to do with you." I say shrilly. I don't know how this conversation took this turn and my head spins trying to make sense of it all.

"Of course it does! They did what they did so that _I_ couldn't be with you." He's pacing back and forth now, running his hands wildly through his hair.

"So _we_ couldn't be with _each other_, James. We're in this together. I don't blame you for what they did." I try to assure him. The tears on my face have dried, forgotten, even. I stand, too, trying to stop his movement.

"How could you not—"

"Because it wasn't your fault. Snape was the one who did it, okay? It was him who couldn't stand seeing us together and it's him who thought it was better to hurt me that be hurt." I take hold of his hands and stop him in front of me.

He looks down at our clasped hands "Lily, I see the way you hold yourself away from me. It's like you're afraid I'll do the same thing and tell you I never loved you, that it's all a joke. But I love you, Lily, and that's one thing that will _always_ be true." He blushes red the same way he did the first time he said it.

Is that true? Have I really been holding myself away from him? It doesn't feel like it to me, I mean, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone before. I want to be with him when I'm not and I think about him even when we're together.

"That's not true, James. I trust you and-and I know what happened with Candy just now was all her. I don't know—maybe I do hold myself away from you. But it's not intentional. I'm trying so hard to fall in love with you."

"But you haven't yet."

"No…" His face falls. "But I'm about to."

His ears turn pink and I know he wants to smile. "I knew thinking you're gonna hurt me was bullshit."

I let go of his hands and hug my middle. "No it wasn't—isn't. I still have my doubts—about _why_ someone like you would fall for someone like me." I hold my hand up to stop him from interrupting. "And I think about how easy it would be for you to just walk away. So yeah, maybe I didn't realize how hard it is to trust you to not hurt me. But James, I'm trying. I never want to be without you."

James watches me silently and I wish he would just say something. Slowly, he takes my hand and pulls me closer to him. He places one hand on my waist and cups my cheek with the other. My hands drift to his waist and bent elbow. He ducks his head down and brings his lips close to mine. He hovers there for a moment, drawing out the sensation before the actual kiss. I want to kiss him, but I wait for him to do it.

Ever so slightly so that I can barely feel it, he brushes his lips against mine.

Once

Twice

And then one last time before he presses his lips forcefully against mine. My hands grip his shirt and I part his lips with my tongue. He pushes me backwards and we stumble over cobblestones until my back hits the ally wall. His fingers dig into the skin at my hip and his hand twists in my hair. I want to cry out. I pull him closer so that our bodies are flush.

James lets go of me and presses his palms flat against the wall beside my head. I nibble on his bottom lip and I feel him pound the brick with his fist. I smile and kiss my way to his neck. James' breath is coming out in short puffs and I smile wider against his skin. Slowly, I inch my hand towards the back pocket of his jeans and it has the desired effect. James moans low and guttural.

I grin and kiss him on the mouth.

"You're evil." He whispers.

"Mmm,"

James kisses me deeply. I feel my knees grow weak and just when I think I'm about to fall; his hands are at my hips. I try to kiss him back, to do to him what he did to me, but that all goes to shite when I feel his cool hands under my shirt, crawling upwards until they're just below my bra.

"We need to stop." I gasp, kissing him again.

James shakes his head and attacks my neck; sucking on the skin there and making me bite back a moan.

"I told you once before, Lily. Now that I'm your boyfriend, I'll never stop kissing you."

* * *

**A/N:** _Hey, I'm back! Did you miss me? Yaya, chapter 13. This one is a lot longer than all my others so y'all better be happy. Okay, so a couple of things we need to talk about.  
1) I changed the rating to M. This is something I've been thinking about since I first started the story and I decided I'm gonna change it. A reviewer had an influence in swaying my decision, admittedly, but it doesn't mean I'll be taking their suggestion of writing Lily and James' first time. I mainly changed it for language and some of the more intense make-out sessions to come.  
2) A lot of you guys have been asking questions in your reviews that I never answer and I'm really sorry for that. It's just that you guys are asking things that will be answered later on in the story and require a bit of patience. I don't want to ruin any of the plot for y__ou by answering yes or no to some of your predictions/suggestions. So just keep waiting and it'll all make sense eventually. __However, I still encourage you to keep asking me stuff. You never know when I can answer. __One question I can answer, though, is how far/long am I going with this? Honestly, I'm not sure. I'll let you know when the last chapters are upon us. __Also, I'm thinking about doing a Q&A at the end of the story so if you have anything you want to ask about me or background to the story, I might answer it there.  
__3) This is the last chapter featuring Hamish Finlay (yay!). To honour that, I'm issuing another contest. The last winners I had never claimed their prizes so if you do win I ask you to please send in your names. The prize is the same as last time: a name (first, last, gender) of a character that will appear in the story. The question to answer is: WHY DID I CHOOSE "HAMISH" AS LILY'S BOYFRIEND'S NAME? It's an easy one, guys, so only the FIRST person to answer correctly wins. Happy searching.  
__And that's it. Pat on the back if you made it to the end of this. See you all in two weeks, ta!_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: February, 25._


	15. Every kiss, it gets a little sweeter

**Chapter Fourteen: Every kiss, it gets a little sweeter**

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" The sound of a couple dozen students packed into a tiny common room screaming reverberates off the walls. James has just walked into our common room, led by Sirius, and is wearing the most priceless expression.

"What the fuck?" He asks dumbly.

"Happy birthday," I say, pushing through the crowd until I'm standing in front of him.

The expression of shock stays on his face as he slings an arm around my shoulders. "What's going on?"

I smack his chest. "Don't be daft." I laugh. "We threw you a party."

The music starts pumping and our friends—mostly Gryffindors and a few Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs—restart their mingling. A few people pat him on the back as we push through to the food table and he nods back at them.

"Can we have a party?" He asks.

"Relax, I cleared it with McGonagall. I'm going to have to do a _lot_ of favours for her, but she signed off."

"Evans is brilliant." Sirius compliments, tilting his bottle of Butterbeer towards me.

"Butterbeer, too? Lily," James shakes his head and pulls me towards him. "Why've you done all this?"

"Because I wanted to." I say, kissing his nose. "Come on, let's dance."

I pull him by the hand and place it on my waist. I wrap my arms around his neck and start swaying from side to side. James tightens his hold on me wearing a dumbfounded expression.

"What's the matter?" I ask, stilling.

"I just—I'm surprised." He answers.

I frown. "Aren't you happy?"

"Yes, of course." He smiles reassuringly. "I'm very happy."

"Good. Just wait until I give you your present." I wink.

James swallows visibly and his face turns pink. I laugh and rest my head on his chest.

We dance and dance until James is practically carrying me. Hand in hand, we collapse onto the couch. The party has whittled down to the Marauders, Hestia, her roommates sans Candy (she wasn't invited), James and I.

"This was fun." Dorcas comments from the single seat to our left. "Happy birthday, James."

"Thanks, Dorcas." He smiles at her.

"You know, Lily, I never pictured you to be the sort to date younger men." Mary giggles.

"Oh that's right, James _is_ younger, isn't he?" Marlene laughs.

James blushes. "I don't see the problem."

"Relax, Potter, we're only joking." Mary says.

I laugh and take his hand. "He's special." I lean over and kiss his cheek. "The little tyke."

The girls and I burst into laughter at James' scowl. The lads look up from the game of chess between Sirius and Remus and shoot us quizzical looks.

"Lily's dating a younger man." Hestia explains.

The boys nod. "Yeah, ikle Jamiekins is our special little boy." Peter says.

"Oi, I am the second oldest!" James exclaims.

We all laugh again and James pouts.

"Hey, what time is it?" Marlene asks.

"Half 11." Remus answers.

"Shit, y'know I have Quidditch in the morning." She says, standing up.

"Good of you to remember." Says James with a smile.

She smiles back. "Well, up ladies, up. Time to go." She ushers her mates up and gestures towards the door. Hestia hesitates.

"Go," I say, smiling. She smiles back and follows them to the door.

"Oi, wait up. We'll walk back with you." Sirius says, moving his rook and capturing Remus in checkmate.

"Blast. Okay, let's go." Remus sighs.

We gravitate towards the door and everyone wishes James a last happy birthday. Sirius gathers him in a brotherly hug and whispers something in his ear that makes him blush. Finally, all is quiet in the Heads' common room.

"What a night." I sigh, collapsing again on the couch.

"The best night, I believe." He says, falling next to me.

I roll over and kiss him lingeringly. "Second best night."

"Oh right," he smiles widely and dips his head to kiss me again.

"Happy birthday, James." I whisper against his mouth. He tries to pull back to say something else but I silence him with my mouth. I kiss him properly, propping myself on my elbows so that I'm on top of him. I open my mouth wide and swirl my tongue in a way I've always been too shy to try. He moans deeply and he gropes my hips.

"Merlin, Lily." He pants. I continue to kiss him as I loosen his tie. I throw it away and proceed to undo the buttons on his shirt. As I'm working, I feel his hand ghost up and down my bare thighs just below my skirt. I've never wanted him so much in my life. I push his undone shirt down his shoulders and he sits up to shrug it off. I run my hands down his chest, feeling the contours of his stomach, the ridges made by his abs and the little hairs scattered between his navel to the unknown lands below his belt.

I kiss his jaw and his neck and his collarbone and work my way down.

"Lily!" James gasps when I reach the end of his ribs.

I smile against his skin and work my way back up. His hands clutch my upper arms.

I go to kiss him again when I notice his face is pale white. "James, are you okay?" I panic.

He gulps. "I can't believe this is happening." He whispers.

"What?" I scrunch my eyebrows.

"You. Kissing me like that—This isn't a dream, is it?" He looks around the room dazedly.

I sit up and fold my hands in my lap. "No, James, this isn't a dream."

He sits up, too. "So that's why you stopped—"

"Why do you do that?" I ask, interrupting him.

"Do what?"

"Act like you're still surprised that we're dating. You said you thought I acted like one day you'll tell me that we were all a joke and you never loved me, but you act like I'm going to do the same. Like none of this is real."

"You can't exactly blame me, can you? Lily, when I say I've dreamed of being your boyfriend for years, I literally mean I've _dreamed_ about being your boyfriend for years. Including all the physical stuff." He blushes. "So now that it's my reality—you can't blame me for having to stop and pinch myself."

I reach over and pluck a piece of his skin.

"Ow!"

"This is real, James." I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it. "It's happening."

He smiles widely. "Good to know," He takes me by the waist and pulls me to him so that we're sitting right next to each other. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and kisses it gently. "So was that supposed to be my birthday present before I ruined it or…" he asks.

I grin. "Nope, shall I go get it?"

"By all means," he gestures to my room and I take off, giddy with excitement. I just _know_ he's going to love it so much. I retrieve the wrapped gift from the bottom of my trunk and skip down the stairs with it behind my back. "Close your eyes and stretch out your hands." I sing.

He does as I say and I place the tiny box in his hands. "Tada!"

James opens his eyes and instantly tears into the wrapping. He lifts the lid of the box and I brace myself for his reaction. His eyes behold the most perfect gift ever and—nothing. His face falls and he struggles to twist his mouth into a smile.

"Wh-what's the matter?" My voice shakes.

"Thank you, Lily, really." James says softly, not looking at me.

"You hate it!" I state. "Oh Merlin, I really thought you'd like it." I hang my head in shame. His birthday gift to me was so wonderful and I just wanted to do this _one_ nice thing for him…

"No, I don't. It's just—these things don't work."

He holds up the tiny bauble that's supposed to tell you weather someone is trustworthy or not. I thought it would be perfect for him, just the thing he needs. James—he has such a good heart and he feels so strongly about right and wrong and his place in the war raging outside of Hogwarts' walls. I thought this gift would be the best thing to reassure him of who is truly on his side.

"No one can tell who is good or bad, Lils, not even an enchanted instrument. There's so much more to a person than you could ever sort out because not everyone is all bad or all good."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?" he asks, genuinely surprised.

"I tried so hard to get you the perfect gift—to give you the peace of mind I know you don't have. Because I want you to know that-that no matter what sides are taken after we leave this place, I'll always be on yours."

James cups my face gently. "And I'll always be on yours." He kisses my forehead lightly and rests it against mine. "Knowing that is the perfect gift. Thank you."

O.o

The day we've all been waiting for is finally upon us. The Inter-house Quidditch match is this afternoon and James is freaking out.

"I've never commentated one of these before." He rants. "What if I mix up the terminology? What if I make a wrong call?"

"Breathe, relax, you'll do fine. You know more about Quidditch than the wizard who invented it. Don't worry." I try to assure him.

But nothing I say works. He continues to pace the common room, mumbling plays and little jokes to himself. I hate watching him like this, but I can't say that it doesn't intrigue me. I love the passion in his step as he tries to outpace his thoughts. I love the way his breath comes out in puffs as he exhales a little bit of worry only to have it replaced in his next inhale. I love the way his hand rakes through his hair, mussing it up in a way that mimics the thought process going on behind those black, wire framed glasses.

And I know that no matter how frustrated he may be right now, he wouldn't have it any other way. He loves the adrenalin rush that comes with the many pressures of being a Quidditch star. Commentating is just another one.

"Slow down, mate, you're giving Lily whiplash." Sirius says, appearing on the square of glass resting on the coffee table.

"I'm freaking out here, Pads." James says.

"How d'you think I feel? I'm actually playing in the bloody game."

"I planned it!"

"Boys!" I say loudly, "You both need to relax."

"Easy for you to say, Evans, you'll just be sitting there." Sirius huffs.

"Maybe so, but I still think you guys have nothing to worry about. I'm positive you'll both do outstandingly." I walk behind James and wrap my arms around his middle, kissing the spot between his shoulder blades.

"One can only hope," James sighs.

After much more pacing and doubt, the time arrives for us to congregate at the holy ground. James and I leave Sirius with the rest of his team and make our way up to the commentator's tower. McGonagall and Dumbledore are already up there, sitting patiently and chatting about the weather.

Up here I am suddenly aware of why so many young men try out for the position every year. The view is spectacular, there's no doubt that it is the very best seat in the entire arena. Hestia always makes us go down early to get the best seats in the stands and I used to think they were great. But now I realize that _nothing_ can compare to the sight before me.

The Quiddtich pitch opens up widely from left to right and the golden hoops are unobstructed. To be honest, there's not much else to say about it. The students below look like a sea of coloured dots and those latecomers trickling in, like ants. But everything is so massive and so much larger than life.

"This is ridiculous." James gushes, prancing from foot to foot. The look on his face is gleeful, like a third year seeing Honeydukes for the first time. He pushes his hair away from his face and clenches and unclenches his fist. "I can't believe this is what it looks like."

Oh yeah, James has never been on this side of the tower either. If it's this exciting for me, I can only imagine how James has stopped himself from having a heart attack. He's always been the star, the one the invisible voice trials as he dips and dives through the air. Seeing it all from here must really put things into perspective for him.

I reach over and squeeze his hand.

He smiles at me.

"Ready, then, Potter?" McGonagall asks him.

Hesitantly, he nods. He lifts his wand to his throat and whispers the charm.

"_Ahem_," His voice cries out loudly across the field. "Sorry. Welcome to the first Inter-House Quidditch Match!"

His announcement is met with thunderous applause and cheering.

The smile on his face is radiant.

"Alright, let's hear it for our teams! First we have the Hogwarts Hippogriffs lead by Nancy O'Donoghue!" He lists the names of the players and their positions as they come soaring out of their change rooms. "Next we have the Hogwarts Phoenix Flyers lead by Karen Schmidt!" He does the same for them. The crowd is going absolutely mental, supporting their friends.

After a moment of the players doing tricks in the air to pump up the crowd, Madam Hooch calls them to attention. The teams settle on the ground while she does her usual pregame speech of making sure it's a _good clean game_ and then get's ready to snap the Quaffle high into the air.

The players dart around the pitch at lightning speeds, tossing the Quaffle back and forth and swinging their bats and dodging Bludgers. I have no idea how James is keeping up, but somehow he does.

"Johnson tosses to Spirit, feigns left and dodges an excellent attempt by Black to stop him. Kendrick tries again, Spirit ducks…and drops the Quaffle! Tough luck, mate. And O'Donoghue has the Quaffle, pass it! She doesn't, she's heading straight for Lewinsky and fakes right, tosses left…GOAL! Ten points to Hippogriffs!"

The players regroup.

An hour passes and points are scored. I find myself relaxing in my chair, allowing myself to become blind to the game and just listen to the sound of James' voice varying in enthusiasm. I know a lot of students would say my spot up here is wasted, but I don't very much care. I'm so relaxed right now.

"Schmidt passes to Santana who ducks the Bludger sent by Black and tosses it to Jenkins. Jenkins shoots…and is blocked by—What's that? Looks like Fowler has caught sight of the snitch! He's going into a dive and Baggins is _right behind him_. They're neck and neck—Baggins is pulling up and—And she's caught it! Baggins bags the Golden Snitch! The Phoenix Flyers win 480 to 360!" James jumps out of his chair, knocking it to the floor.

The whole crowd is bursting with energy, cheering like mad. Streamers and confetti are cast from wands, trailing down around the winning team. All the players land and immediately start shaking each other's hands and patting one another on their backs.

"What an excellent game!" James screams, his voice cracking. "Such excellent flying and sportsmanship from every player. Congratulations to everyone!" He drops his wand, cutting off his voice. He turns and envelops me in a hug that lifts me off the ground. He spins me around and kisses me on the mouth, deeply and passionately.

"James!"

"Merlin, Lily, that was _incredible_." He gushes. "Without a doubt the best I've ever seen."

"And it's all thanks to you, you planned it."

James shakes his head. "No, this was all them," he gestures to the mob of students surrounding the fourteen sweaty players. "They played amazingly. All I did was plan the event."

"Please, make your way off of the pitch and into the castle!" McGonagall says, her wand at her throat. "The award ceremony and dance will begin promptly at 8 o'clock this evening."

"I nearly forgot!" James says, taking my hand and leading us down the stairs. He's running and it's all I can do not to trip behind him.

"You planned it!"

"I know, but with all the excitement how could I remember?"

We make it to the ground in time to see the last few students trailing into the castle. The pitch is deserted save for a few students still milling about. It's quite a difference than the packed stadium just moments before. As we draw closer to the stands, I can see two people sitting, one with their arm around the other in a comforting way.

"Shit," James mutters.

"What's wrong?" I squint to see who the students are.

"Pads, his team lost." James lets go of my hand and runs to Sirius' side. The look on Hestia's face is pained and I can tell that beneath Sirius hands is a face red and swollen with tears.

"I-I can't believe we lost." He stammers.

"Oh, but you played so well." Hestia coos.

"If I played _so well_ we would've won." He replies angrily.

"Someone had to lose." James tries, sitting beside his best friend.

"Well why did it have to be me?" he cries.

"Don't sweat it, mate. You're still the best Beater I know."

Sirius looks up with a rabid look in his eyes. "Easy for you to say," he spits. "You're _the best Quidditch player this school has seen in a century_." He quotes. "You have no idea what it's like to lose."

"That's not true." James looks taken aback by his friend's hostility.

"Oh yeah? When was the last time you didn't lead your team to victory?" Sirius stands and knocks James' hand off his shoulder. "Just leave me alone." He starts walking towards the castle. Hestia calls for him and he tells her to fuck off. She follows him anyway, continuing to call after him.

"Whoa," I say once they've disappeared inside the castle.

"He's just angry…"

I take James' hand and together we walk back to our dormitory to get ready for the award ceremony. I don't know how I feel about Sirius outburst and the things he insinuated about James and himself. But I understand how upset he must be. It mustn't be easy being Sirius Black.

O.o

I clomp down the stairs in my high heels, holding my dress robes away from my feet so I don't trip. I opted for elegant gold robes that flow as I walk and black heels with a thin strap around my ankles. My hair is curled and pinned around my head to frame my face and I'm wearing James' birthday necklace. My earrings are topaz coloured drops that hang delicately and match the rhinestone clips in my hair. I feel damn pretty.

I look up from my feet once I reach the last stair and see James looking rather dishy in formal black dress robes, a gold handkerchief in his breast pocket and a gold tie to match me. His hair is completely dishevelled as usual and his glasses are slipping down his nose.

He swallows visibly when he sees me.

"You look stunning." He breathes, holding out a trembling hand for me to take.

"Thank you," I blush. "You look handsome."

He grins, obviously pleased with himself, and leads me down to the Great Hall where we're to meet the professors before the start of the ceremony. The Hall is decked in blue and gold—the colours Nancy O'Donoghue chose as the Hippogriff's colours. The prefects did a lovely job of it, I must say. They have an hour to get ready before they have to be back.

"Have you got your speeches ready?" McGonagall asks, pacing up and down the length of the high table.

"Yes, professor." I tell her.

"Good, good."

"Come now, Minerva," Dumbledore says. "Let us have faith in our Heads' abilities."

"Of course, Headmaster." She says, stopping herself in front of the podium. "And you've booked this—entertainment for tonight?"

"Double booked."

"Excuse me?" She says, looking like she's about to have a heart attack.

"He means we're absolutely sure." I say quickly. To James I say, "Double booked means you have _two_ bookings."

"Oh, sorry professor." He says.

"Yes, yes."

She wanders off and James and I burst into fits of giggles.

"I must say, you look lovely Miss Evans," Dumbledore compliments me.

"Thank you, sir, as do you." He's wearing deep navy robes speckled with stars and comets and other objects found in a particularly beautiful night sky.

"Thank you. And you, Mr Potter." He bows his head. "Are lucky to have one such as lovely as she on your arm this evening."

James snakes his arms around my waist and rests his chin on the top of my head. "Don't I know it, professor."

I swat James away and pat my hair. "You'll ruin it." I say with a fake scowl.

"My apologies, love."

We continue to fidget, not quite sure what else needs to be done. Finally, 8 o'clock strikes and students start trickling in, dates clad in beautiful robes arm in arm.

Once everyone takes their seats, James and I begin. We start by thanking everyone who helped with the event, those to participated and finally those who supported. James teared up at the end, talking about wanting the Quidditch match to mean something and for it to be the mark he left once he graduated. Everyone applauded then and he was able to suck back the tears from falling.

McGonagall announced the beginning of dinner followed by the dance that will run until midnight, except for first and second years that are to be in bed by 10.

"Where's Padfoot?" James asks the second we sit down across from our friends.

Remus and Peter share a look. "He's still in our dormitory sulking." Peter says.

"Oh, poor Sirius." I sigh.

"It's ridiculous, if you ask me." Hestia sniffs. "He's being a baby. No one else from his team is in their dorm crying."

"You don't understand, this was a big deal for Padfoot. He poured his heart and soul into training." Remus says.

"Yeah, you're just sore because he told you to sod off and you can't fix him." Peter says.

"Oh fuck off, Pettigrew. You don't know anything." Hestia spits.

"Hest," I warn seeing the look that crosses over Peter's face.

"I don't even know why I'm here." She huffs.

"To support James." I say, taking his hand beneath the table.

Hestia offers him a wan smile. "I'm sorry, Potter. It really was a lovely game and you did a great job with it."

"Thanks, Hest."

Dinner is a tense affair and I hardly touch my food. It isn't until the lights dim and the band takes the stage that things start to loosen up. Hestia leaves to try and coax Sirius out of his room and the four of us take to the dance floor. Automatically, James sweeps me into his arms and holds me through countless songs.

"You're the most beautiful girl here." James whispers in my ear after the band finishes a song.

"Oh stop it." I swat his chest playfully.

"I mean it. There are girls here in all sorts of amazingly beautiful robes and I still can't take my eyes off of you."

I rest my head on his shoulder not caring about the state of my hair. "James Potter, I am so happy you're mine." I say.

He holds me tighter and kisses the side of my head.

A fast song comes on and we dance wildly to the beat. James swings me around and I catch sight of Severus Snape sitting by himself looking right at us, a look of loathing on his face. It stops me for a moment, the sheer disgust of it. But I don't feel ashamed, not like I used to when I thought about what Snape must think. I've finally realized that Snape has no control over me or my emotions anymore because he's no longer a part of my life. In about three weeks time we'll be graduated, spit out into the real world to fend for ourselves. I'll have James and Hestia and the Marauders to help me through whereas he'll have—who? His Death Eater friends? Voldemort?

I feel sorry for him. Sorry that he had to do what he did to keep me in the part of his world that thought he was better than James. Sorry that he had to lose his way. Sorry we couldn't find a way to remain friends.

"What's the matter?" James asks, drawing me close again.

I look up at him, into those clear hazel eyes that show me how dearly he thinks of me. I reach up on my toes and kiss him, openly and unafraid. "Absolutely nothing."

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello! There she be; chapter fourteen all good and ready. Okay, let's get down to business. Everyone had excellent guesses for my little challenge. And to answer a couple people, yes it was partially because I genuinely love the name Hamish. And I really wish it was because Lily Rabe and Hamish Linklater will star opposite Alan Rickman this fall in the world premiere of Theresa Rebeck's new play (thank you to maplecandies18). But the real reason is because Hamish is the Scottish for James representing the fact that Lily chooses James, really, no matter what. Now, unsurprisingly, a lot of you answered correctly. However, I must stay true to my winner. So, will **Scooterbugs **please come forward and claim their prize? A PM of your character name would be lovely ASAP (we need to get it in soon!). Thank you to everyone who participated.  
_

_Also, thank you to everyone in general. Honestly, your support means so much to me. Keep reading and reviewing, guys! Cheers._

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: March, 4._


	16. Kiss me in the pouring rain

**Chapter Fifteen: Kiss me in the pouring rain**

The day after graduation I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Technically, I'm no longer a Hogwarts student.

This past week has been a whirlwind. Last Sunday was the House Cup—which James led to victory—all week was NEWTs ending with Friday's graduation ceremony. I take the moment to breathe.

Tomorrow we'll be heading home on the Hogwarts Express for the last time.

Home.

Where exactly is that?

I don't know where my home is anymore. I'll be living with Hestia until the end of summer but after that—where will I go? I'll get a flat, of course, and pay for it with my part time job at St. Mungo's while I go to class to become a Healer. I'll spend time with James and the lads and Hestia and try to live my life as normally as possible without thinking about the fact that my family doesn't exist.

The light streams into my bedroom through the open window and shines into my eyes. I cover my face with my forearm, stinging tears leak down to my ears. I don't want to leave.

I continue to lie in bed for a while longer. I know when I wake up my hair will be a puffy mess from not having brushed it out of it's elegant knot the night before. I know there will be traces of makeup left on my face for having been lazy and not washing it off properly. I know the Marauders will be back soon from their last night away, prowling the forest (even though it's not the full moon so they'd have been in human form).

I think about how James got me to agree to let them go. I was dead set against them leaving the castle in fear of what happened to James the last time he went into the forest alone as a human. But James has a way with words and when those failed to persuade me, he used his mouth in other ways. He kissed away my fears, starting from my lips and trailing lower until I screamed for him to stop—he could go, just _stop_. He would've gone lower, too, if I'd let him.

But I'm still not ready.

It was unfair, really. But I can't deny my use of unfair tactics from time to time. I guess that's what happens when you know just what buttons to press.

So they'd gone and I fell asleep to the sound of my heart pounding in my ears as I thought of what could possibly go wrong.

What would happen if something went wrong?

The sun crawled higher and higher and I stayed in bed. I don't know why.

"Knock, knock." Came James' voice around noon. "Love, are you still in there?"

James has taken to calling me "love" now. It's been months since he first said it and he's gained a lot of confidence in that area. Maybe he's become surer, less hesitant. It makes me feel guilty for not saying it back.

"I'm here," I croak.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure,"

James pushes the door open and the light from the hallway floods in. I didn't realize how bright it was.

"I'm alive." He grins, striding in and plopping himself onto the mattress beside me. "See," he opens his arms wide and lifts his shirt enough for me to glimpse the fading scar on his side—the only blemish there.

"So I see." I smile, stretching for myself.

"Are you okay?" he asks, "Feeling sick?"

"No, why?"

"You never stay in bed this late," He comments. Slowly, he creeps up the bed so he's lying beside me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest. I gladly respond, cuddling next to him and resting my head right over his heart.

"Just thinking. We're no longer students,"

James sighs, "Nope."

"We're adults."

"Yup."

"It's scary."

"Are you scared, Lily?"

"Terrified." I answer.

"Of what?"

I don't answer. I just hug him tighter and burry my nose in his shirt, inhaling his James smell. He smells like the forest and mint toothpaste and broom polish and the wind.

We must've fallen asleep because the next thing I know, a whale is dying inside of me.

"Hungry?" James smirks, having jolted awake.

"Maybe a tad."

"We should get up." He shifts, ready to heave himself up.

"No. Stay," I mumble, snuggling closer to him and pressing my nose to his neck.

James repositions himself. "But you're hungry." He whispers.

"No I'm not."

O.o

We drag ourselves out of bed by three. James waits for me downstairs as I do my "morning" routine and together we walk down to the kitchens. This is our last trip, our last visit to the elves before we leave Hogwarts for good. To celebrate, and also mourn, we request grilled cheese sandwiches, frosted pumpkin juice and a slice of white birthday cake—the first meal we ever shared alone together late one night in sixth year. Back when I still thought James was a jerk and he was just starting to prove that he wasn't.

I'd been studying late and he was sneaking down for a midnight snack. Somehow he coaxed me into joining him and we giggled like first years all the way down. I don't remember how he got me to go—my love of adventure, probably—but I do remember being oddly excited and unsure of whom else I would want to be with at a time like that. It was the first time I ever got to use the Invisibility Cloak, too.

"This is perfect," James moans, taking a huge bite of the cake.

"You're perfect."

"What?" James asks, pausing mid-bite.

I freeze. Did I just say that out loud? My cheeks start burning and my heart thuds in my ears. "I-I said you were perfect," I mumble almost inaudibly.

"You-you think I'm—"

"Prongs, there you are!" Sirius says, bursting into the kitchens and saving me from a dreadfully embarrassing moment.

"Yes, Padfoot?" James asks through gritted teeth.

"I've been looking everywhere for you, mate. You've been gone for hours." His eyes slide towards me and he smiles wickedly. "Oh…"

"Why've you been looking for me?" James asks.

"Really, mate? The end of the year prank!"

"Shit." James jumps up. "It completely slipped my mind."

"Clearly." Sirius deadpans. "Now can we go, please?" He gestures towards the door.

James looks at me and I smile encouragingly. "Go on, make McGonagall glad she's rid of you."

"Thanks, love." He flashes a grin at me and tips an imaginary hat before running out after Sirius.

I polish off the cake by myself before going back to my room to finish packing. Start, more like. I stack my books into the bottom of my trunk to cushion my clothes. I strip off my school uniform and put on my big sweater—the name happily changed back to _Potter_—and shorts. Carefully, I fold the pieces of my uniform.

Skirt, trousers, blouse, jumper, cardigan, tie, robe.

I unpin my Head Girl badge and place it on top of the pile. It hurts, almost.

There's a knock on the common room door and I leave my packing to open it. Hestia barges in and sits herself on the couch.

"Hello?" I ask.

"Where've you been all day?"

"Oh, I slept in and then James and I went down to the kitchens for some lunch. I was just packing. What's up?"

Hestia shrugs. "It's our last day."

"I know, can you believe it? The lads are planning their last prank right now. I can't wait to see what it—"

"They're not planning a prank, Lily." Hestia interrupts me.

"What are you talking about? Sirius came into the kitchens to get James."

"They were lying. They went to meet with Dumbledore."

I shake my head, confused. "About what?"

She shrugs again. "I don't know, do I? But I heard them talking in the common room a few hours ago. Remus was being pretty sketchy about it."

"Well what about the prank?" I ask.

"Lily, forget the prank! Your boyfriend just lied to you about where he was going, doesn't that bother you?"

I frown. "I guess, yeah. I'm kind of curious, actually. What would they need to do with Dumbledore?"

"We'll ask when they get here." She says.

"Hest, are you okay?"

"No."

I sit beside her and place a hand on her knee. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Sirius has never flat out lied to me like that before, y'know? Not that easily. I know what I heard and when I asked, he completely denied it. What could possibly be the subject of this meeting that he can't even tell me about it? At least tell me about the meeting if not what it's about."

I frown again. "Yeah, that's weird."

"Yeah, it is. It's like he doesn't trust me."

"Well, James didn't tell me either."

Hestia doesn't say anything. She just rolls on her side, her head in my lap and closes her eyes. I comb my fingers through her hair and rest my head on the back of the couch, waiting for the lads to come back.

James opens the common room door with a bang and in a flood the four of them, whispering urgently.

"James?" I say, my head popping up.

"Oh, hey Lils." He grins, coming over and kissing my cheek.

"Where were you guys?" Hestia asks sitting up and glaring at Sirius who I noticed didn't make any attempt to greet his girlfriend.

"To plan our prank." Peter answers.

"No, I want Sirius to tell me where you guys were." She glares at him, her arms crossed.

"Hest," I warn standing, too.

Sirius looks at her, puzzled. "We were setting up our prank. You know how big a deal this is for us since it's our last ever."

Hestia shakes her head in a way I know means she's trying not to cry. "That's bullshit. _Godric_, when did you learn how to lie to me?"

"H-Hest?"

"I know you had a meeting with Dumbledore! I'm not an idiot, Sirius, I heard you guys talking about it!"

Sirius' face pales. I glance over at James to find him looking at me with an expression begging me to understand. I look away quickly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Fuck! Why are you still denying it?" She screams, jumping up. Her expression is murderous and _hurt_.

"It's not what you think." Remus steps in.

Hestia turns to him. "What would you know about what _I_ think?"

"The meeting was about—"

"Do you think I care about what it was about right now?" She yells. "All I care about is the fact that you—" she turns back to Sirius. "—lied to me."

"Hestia,"

"Stop saying my name! Stop not admitting that you lied!"

When Sirius doesn't say anything, Hestia runs out of the room. I think I see a tear rolling down before she's gone.

"Go after her, mate." Peter tells him.

Sirius rakes his hands through his hair not unlike his best friend. "Yeah," And then he's gone, too.

I turn away towards the window, my arms crossed and my back stiff. I see that it's raining quite heavily and I watch the droplets caught on the glass race each other to the bottom. I hear the common room door shut and then hesitantly out of the silence James says, "Lily?"

I shift to show I'm listening.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about our meeting with Dumbledore."

I continue to watch the rain.

"Lily, please come here." The tone in his voice is pleading and I can't help but do as he asks.

I walk slowly to where he sits and perch myself as far away from him as possible. I don't know how I feel. Not as angry as Hestia, but still not fine.

"It wasn't what you think." He says.

"You're wrong. I don't know what to think."

"Well we're not in trouble or anything." He jokes. He clears his throat. "But it is kind of serious." He takes a shuttered breath and leans back. "Dumbledore asked us to join the Order of the Phoenix."

"What's that?"

"An organization he created in opposition to Voldemort. He wants us to join the fight. He thinks we'll be good for it."

It's definitely not what I would've expected, that's for sure. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He sighs. "Well, I didn't know what it was about before we got there. But I don't really know how to answer that. I guess I was just scared of what it could be about and I didn't want you to know."

I nod. "So are you gonna join?"

"Yeah, I think so. I want to fight, Lils. I know I could do a lot of good."

I close my eyes. "Fighting sounds so dangerous." I say quietly.

"That's because it is." He looks at me between his eyelashes. "Is that a problem?"

"Of course it is." I say exasperatedly, throwing my hands up. "I don't want you to be in danger."

James' mouth becomes small and he looks down. "We're already in danger." He says quietly. "But maybe I can do something to change that."

I fall back against the couch now, sitting right beside him so the sides of our bodies are pressed together. I lean my head against shoulder. He takes my hand in his and rests his head against mine.

"So does this mean there's no prank?"

O.o

The carriages are set to leave in an hour. In an hour, Hogwarts will be literally and figuratively behind me. I try to think of something I can do that will postpone these final moments for a while longer but nothing comes to mind. So I step carefully down the stairs from my room, take one last sweeping look at the common room and walk down the corridor.

"Lily," James calls, waving at me from the Entrance Hall.

I walk towards my friends who are standing around excitedly. "Hullo." I say.

"Godric, I hope the rain stops or else my hair's gonna be fucked." Hestia pouts. Sirius slings his arm around her shoulders comfortingly. They made up, apparently, which I'm happy to see.

"I don't know, it seems fitting in a way." Remus says, referring to the pathetic fallacy of the weather.

We all nod in agreement.

"So Hestia tells me you're going straight to hers." James says to me.

"Oh, um, yeah." I forgot I hadn't told him that.

"Well won't your mum want to see you?" He asks.

"I don't think she'll mind." I say quietly.

"I can't wait to meet her," He says excitedly. "My dad can't wait to meet you, too."

"James,"

"I think she's gonna like me, d'you think she's gonna like me?" He continues.

Hestia stares at me and I can't meet her gaze. I want James to stop talking. But he goes on, gushing about what it'll be like to meet each other's parent. He wants me to stay with them for a week and asks if he can stay with us.

Tears shine in my eyes.

"Potter, stop." Hestia growls.

"What?" He asks, stopping mid-rant.

"Can't you see you're putting your foot in your mouth?"

"What? What's wrong? I'm just talking about our plans. This is exciting stuff for me, okay?"

I don't think; I bolt out of the castle and into the rain. The cool summer air hits my lungs and makes me cough. It probably wasn't the best reaction but I just needed to get out of there. I could feel my anxiety building at the thought of my mum not ever meeting James or not even _knowing_ about him. The thought of her not being there for me.

The rain is coming down harder than I thought and I'm almost instantly soaked to the bone. I run down the rain-slicked path towards the greenhouses. I can see them growing larger in front of me when a hand grabs my upper arm and stops me.

I turn to see an enraged James. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks.

"With me?" I sob, thankful for the rain that's hiding my tears.

"Why would you run out like that? First of all, it's fucking _pouring_ out here. And second, what did I do to make you act like a mad person?"

I shake him off of me. "You're not gonna meet my mum." I say.

James rolls his eyes and scowls. "You ran out here because you weren't ready to introduce me to your mum? Melodramatic, much? Why didn't you just say so?"

"No, that's not—"

"Don't try to tell me that it wasn't an overreaction, okay? Merlin, you're so weird."

"James,"

"I'll wait until you're ready, okay? I just assumed you were excited because I was excited. But we'll wait. You can meet my dad and when you're ready we can—"

"_My mum is fucking dead!_" I scream, a gush of tears flowing down my cheeks.

The look on James' face would've been comical if the circumstances were different. He looks so genuinely shocked, his eyes wide and his eyebrows shot way up.

"What?" He whispers.

"She died." I whisper back, trying to catch my breath.

"Oh Merlin, Lily, I'm so sorry." James groans, clutching his hair. "I'm such a twat. Here I am going on and on about meeting your mom when—but wait, why didn't you tell me?"

I shift from foot to foot. "I don't know, I guess it just never came up."

"Never came up? Well when did it happen?"

"November sometime? I found out over the holidays when my sister kicked me out. That's why I went to stay with Hestia."

James' face darkens. "That long ago and you never thought to tell me?"

"What was I supposed to say? That's not exactly something you can slip into casual conversation."

"No, but it is the kind of information you offer. I'm your boyfriend, Lily, I thought you trusted me."

"This isn't about me not trusting you."

"Of course it bloody is. Trust doesn't just mean trusting me not to leave you or hurt you. It means you can tell me stuff that's hard or painful and let me help you and comfort you. That's what I'm here for and I would hope you'd be there for me."

"You know I would be."

"Well then let me be there for you."

I look down at my feet. "It's hard for me to imagine her not here. I mean; she didn't even get to meet you. The last time I mentioned you was to complain about what a jerk you were and now she'll never know that you've become the most important person in my life. Her opinion of you will never be changed. And I'll never have my mum again." Tears dribble down my face.

"Most important—Lily, please don't cry." James gathers me in his arms and I hug him back tightly. Standing on uneven ground, my head tucks perfectly into the curve of his neck. He kisses my head three times, murmuring softly. I turn my head inwards and kiss his neck.

"Thank you," I murmur back.

James reaches one hand up and touches my face lightly, rubbing my cheek with the pad of his thumb. He brings his lips close to mine and my eyes flutter closed, breathing in his familiar scent that drives me crazy and reels me in. He kisses me softly, drawing it out. It's a closed mouth kiss but it's sweet and full of tenderness. He moves his mouth slowly and it makes my head spin. My hands find the hem of his shirt and I push them under, pressing them against the warm skin on his back.

We kiss a moment longer before James pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.

"Where will you go?" he asks.

"What do you mean?"

"You can't stay with Hestia forever."

I frown. "I know. I suppose I'll find a flat somewhere…"

James shakes his head. "Aren't there laws against your sister kicking you out? Isn't the legal age 18 in the Muggle world? You would've been a minor. What kind of useless government—"

I silence him with a kiss. "The Ministry has ways of protecting Muggleborns from Muggle laws. Technically the British government doesn't even know I exist."

"So there's nothing you can do about your sister kicking you out?" He asks.

I look down. "No. But it's okay; I was planning on moving out anyway. This just gives me a kick in the arse to get started."

"I'm so sorry."

I shake my head. "Thank you. But it doesn't matter now. Nothing will change the fact that my parents are dead my sister is now Petunia Dursley."

"She got married, then?"

I nod.

"Oh sweetheart," He pulls me into another hug, resting his chin on my head.

"I can't wait to meet your father." I tell him.

James pulls away and holds me at arms length. He looks at me with wide eyes blocked by raindrop-splattered glasses. His hair is drenched and sticks flat against his forehead and his grey t-shirt clings to his torso.

I gulp.

"Really?"

"Of course," I squeak.

His face splits into a radiant smile as he cups my face in his hands. He kisses me again, forcefully this time. I open my mouth to him and he slips his tongue in, swirling it around the way I proudly taught him. I respond enthusiastically, slipping my hands beneath his shirt again and pulling him towards me. James releases my face and drops his hands to my waist, slipping his hands under my shirt. We stand there, kissing each other in the rain for Merlin knows how long.

"We should probably get back to school." I say finally prying myself away from him.

James groans. "Do we have to?"

"I'm afraid we must."

He takes my hand and we walk slowly up the path towards the castle. In the distance we can see Hestia and the lads standing under umbrellas, waiting by a lone carriage. McGonagall is there, too, looking rather stern.

"Where have you two been?" She asks the moment we arrive. "There is such thing as _courtesy_."

James pulls her into a hug. "We're going to miss you, too, professor."

After a moment, McGonagall hesitantly wraps her arms around him, too. She quickly lets go, her cheeks coloured a slight pink. "Yes, well, take care of yourselves." She pats my cheek as she passes and offers the rest of them a small smile.

"Are you okay?" Hestia asks me.

"All better now." I nod.

"I hope you don't mind but I told the lads."

"I understand." I say. "Thank you."

"Of course," She takes my hand and squeezes it before climbing into the carriage.

James comes up next to me and offers me a hand to help me into the carriage. "All set?"

I take one last look at the old castle that has, up until that point, been my only home. "Yes, I think I am."

O.o

"Evans!" Mr Jones said when Hestia and I arrived home. He was in the kitchen making a welcome home feast for us. It smelled so good and reminded me of when my mum used to make welcome home meals for me.

We'd eaten until our bellies were set to burst and we talked and laughed about our final semester at Hogwarts. Hestia got teary, asking why it had to be over so soon and Mr Jones shook his head sadly and told her he didn't know.

And I didn't know, either. I still don't two weeks later, packing for James' where I'll be staying for the next two weeks. I don't know how he managed to court me into going, but he did. And now I'm a nervous wreck, wondering what kind of impression I'll make on his father.

"All set to go?" Hestia asks, walking into my room.

"I guess," I flip the lid of my trunk over and lock it.

"It sucks I can't stay over with you." She pouts again. Mr Jones refused to allow Hestia to stay over at the Potter's with me due to the fact that Sirius lives there, too.

"You'll visit every day, though. And you'll probably stay over so late it'll be like you are." I comfort her.

"I suppose. But it would be nice going to sleep knowing that Sirius is right down the hall without enchanted stairs to keep us apart." She sighs wistfully.

I look away, blushing. I hadn't really thought about that particular detail. James and I have spent the last year sleeping with no barriers between us but this still feels different somehow. Like something could happen if we wanted it to.

"W-why does it matter?" I ask trying my best to sound casual.

"Don't be daft, Lily." Hestia laughs.

I shrug. "I'm not."

"Oh come on, you know why my dad doesn't want me spending the night." She says.

I shrug again.

"Lily, look at me!" I turn around hesitantly. "Don't tell me you and James have been seeing each other for almost 7 months, been _living_ together for the entire time and still haven't, y'know."

"No, Hestia, we haven't." My cheeks burn and I'm dying to get away from this topic.

She gapes at me, her eyes wide. "Are you serious?"

"Quite,"

"Why not?" She wails, her fists hitting the bed.

"Because we're not ready for it." I say.

"You mean _you're_ not ready for it."

"No I mean we."

"Oh please, James is probably killing himself trying to resist you." She laughs.

"That's not funny. Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship." I say.

"No, but it helps. Sirius and I haven't done it in months, why do you think we're so crabby with each other?"

I almost drop the bottle of perfume I'm holding. "What?" I ask.

"We haven't done it in—"

"Why didn't you tell me you guys did it?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest, embarrassed at the look on her face.

"I thought you knew. Everyone knew."

"How could I know if you never told me?" I yell.

"I thought it was obvious…"

"Even if it was, I'm your best friend! How could you not at least tell me?" I ask, the hurt starting to sink it.

"Because I knew you'd judge me." Hestia says boldly.

"I would never judge you for having sex with someone you love." I say softly, cut by her words. "I bet you told your roommates." I whisper.

Hestia looks away.

"I can't believe you."

"It's not like it was any of your business." Hestia snaps, her cheeks red.

"You're right, it isn't." I say.

I feel so betrayed though it feels wrong to. It's just that I always thought Hestia and I would talk about losing our virginities giggling like little girls. We'd tell each other about the intimate parts of it that we couldn't tell anyone else. We'd trust each other.

But she chose to do all that with other girls and she chose to exclude me, telling herself that it was okay, she didn't have to tell me because I probably already knew.

Tearing up a little, I stuff the last of my things into my rucksack, grab my trunk and my wand and leave the room.

"Lily," Hestia calls after me.

I don't answer. I run quickly down the stairs. "Goodbye, Mr Jones!" I yell before turning on my heel and apparating to James'.

I land outside on a patch of grass large enough to be considered a field. There's rolling hills in the distance and everything. In front of me is a large house, not quite a mansion, but still fairly large. There's a gate blocking the drive with a single P in swirly script on either side. I walk up to it and see a tiny sparrow perched on the top. It looks down at me with its beady eyes and lets out a small chirp. Instantly, a house elf appears on the other side.

"Name, please?" It asks politely.

"Lily Evans."

The house elf nods once and the gates disappear. I have just enough time to step through when they reappear behind me. The elf leads me up the rest of the drive and into the house. The foyer is lovely and feels warm and lived in.

"Master James will be along soon. If Miss will please wait here because you are early." He says, gesturing to a plush seated bench.

"Yes, I'm sorry about that."

"No need to apologize, Miss." He says and then wanders off into the house.

Less than a minute later before I even have the chance to sit, James runs down the stairs, stopping just before he collides with me.

"Lily!" He grabs me in a hug that squeezes the air from my lungs. If that didn't almost kill me, he kisses me so passionately any breath I had saved in me disappears.

"Hi James." I gasp when he lets go.

"I'm so happy you're here. I missed you." He brushes my cheek with the back of his hand, his eyes rake over me hungrily. I can't deny that I do the same, taking him in like it's been years rather than days since I last saw him.

"I missed you, too. How was France?" I ask. Him and his father took the trip down to visit an old family friend—one with male children, I was happy to discover.

"Great, Marc and Étienne and I had a lot of fun surprisingly. We never really got on before, but I think we've all grown up since we were 13." He laughs.

I ruffle his hair. "I agree."

James grins and takes my hand. "Come in, let me show you the house."

"Oh, I can already tell I'm going to love it." I gush.

"Mum decorated it." He says, staring off into the past for a moment before coming back to me.

"She had excellent taste." I compliment. He beams. "But what's up with the gate? There's no fence, doesn't that defeat the purpose? Can't people just…walk around it?"

James laughs. "No, that was one of dad's ideas. There's in invisible barrier around the property that keeps unwanted visitors out. The only way in or out is through the front gate."

"Oh, I'm sure you've found other ways of sneaking out." I say.

"I'm sure he has, but I'm not supposed to know about them." A deep voice says from behind.

I turn around to see a man, considerably older with deep wrinkles on his forehead and around his mouth, greying hair, a light scattering of stubble on his chin and round glasses over beautiful hazel eyes. James' dad, I realize instantly.

"Mr Potter," I say, my voice cracking. I hadn't expected to meet him so soon.

He nods. "And you can only be the lovely Lily Evans, though I must say James' did a rubbish job describing you. Summer after summer, you would be the only thing this boy talked about. Well, you and Quidditch. I never could tell which he loved more. Anyway, I'm glad I can finally put a face to the name and I'm so happy you could stay with us. But just to be safe, your room will be down the hall from—"

"Dad," James snaps through gritted teeth. "Stop talking."

I look at him and see that his cheeks are red, but he has nothing to be embarrassed about. I squeeze his hand. His dad and I laugh. "Thank you, I'm glad to be here as well."

Mr Potter laughs. "Nice meeting you, Lily." He sticks out his hand and I shake it.

"You as well, Mr Potter."

"Come on, let's go." James pulls me away and I can hear Mr Potter chuckling as we round the corner.

"Your dad seems nice." I comment, still smiling.

"That was a disaster." He moans.

"I thought it was sweet."

"You're such a girl."

"Yes, James, I am."

James laughs and kisses the back of my hand. "Good to know."

James shows me his house. But as I walk through the rooms lovingly decorated by his mother's hand and filled with memories of love and laughter, it becomes a home. And for once I'm not struck by sadness for my loss, but am happy that James has something so wonderful. I realize that I don't need rooms or furniture. I don't need Petunia.

All I need is the boy whose hand I'm holding while he shares with me the places that have made him who he is.

So no, home is not a place I have to go back to, I realize.

Home is with James.

* * *

**A/N:** _Yay, chapter 15. Now y'all can stop asking if James knows about Lily's mum. Not that I don't appreciate your attention to detail. Not a lot of M in this chapter which I realize may be a disappointment to the rating change...so sorry. Maybe next time? Can **Scooterbugs** please send me their character name? This is your last warning! Did I get everything I needed to say? Read/Follow/Review? Please review, I really love hearing from you. And do all the other stuff, too. Love you all, have a good March. Yeah._

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: March, 11. _


	17. Stealing one more kiss

**Chapter Sixteen: Stealing one more kiss**

I didn't want to fly. I still don't want to fly. And yet, I'm perched on the back of James' broom, my arms around his waist holding on for dear life and my face buried in his back. I have to admit; the wind rushing through my hair does feel quite majestic. But other than that one tiny, miniscule, hardly even there detail, I don't want to be here.

But I am.

James had come into my room this morning and whipped the curtains open, letting in the torrid sunlight. I'd felt like I'd been blinded. He then stripped the comforter from my body, leaving me cowering and defenceless.

"Up." He'd ordered.

"You can't make me!" I'd cried, hiding behind my hands.

"Is that a challenge?" He'd asked, a smirk on his lips.

I didn't answer and he scooped me up in his arms, marching towards the bathroom. He slung me over his shoulders as he drew water in the bath. I thrashed wildly, pounded his back with tight fists. But he didn't feel them at all.

"Let me go!" I pleaded.

"Gladly." He'd said and then dropped me, fully clothed, into the tub. "Get ready." And then he was gone.

Okay, so maybe it didn't happen like that and the sun wasn't even up yet. And okay, maybe he was really gentle and understanding and sweet when he woke me. But it sure as hell felt like torture to me. I hated him in that moment. All I wanted was one day free of nonstop itinerary and he couldn't even give me that. All week James had been dragging me from here to there, only pausing to take a breath every couple hours. I needed a break!

"But aren't you having fun?" He'd asked, rubbing circles on my back as I held the pillow securely over my head.

I had to pause at that. I _was_ having fun, admittedly. James had taken me to all sorts of cool Wizarding places that I never even knew existed. We'd explored every inch of the Potter estate. We'd gone on whirlwind dates dressed in fancy attire and ate atop the roofs of old Muggle buildings. My visit has truly been lovely.

"I'm just tired." I told him.

"You'll have plenty of time to rest next week." He assured me. "I'm almost out of ideas."

I couldn't understand why we had to do everything in one go. Why we couldn't pace ourselves instead of packing everything into seven days. But maybe that's just James. He likes the go, go, go of a fast paced life. He finds it exciting.

I find it reckless.

But still he coaxed me onto his broom. It was that damn seduction technique he loved to practise so much that did it.

"Lils, you really should see this." James calls, the wind catching his voice and carrying it past me. I'm just able to capture a hit of his sentence.

"I'm good, thanks." I call back.

"You'll regret it."

"I doubt it."

"Lily, please. Humour me."

Sighing—and tightening my already bone crushing hold on him—I peek over his shoulder. We're so high up that our feet brush the clouds below. It's a weird sensation being in the space between the sky and the clouds. It's quiet, only the rush of air ringing through my ears. And it's beautiful.

I gasp, looking around from side to side.

"I know, right?" James laughs.

The sun kisses the clouds turning them pink and orange with hints of yellow and purple and red. It contrasts with the blue of the sky and makes the whole world look like a scene out of a storybook.

"Mother of Merlin." I whisper.

James pulls the broom to a stop and hovers us, letting me marvel at the beauty surrounding us.

"James,"

"Are you happy _now_ that I dragged you out of bed to see this?"

I don't want to admit it. "Yes," I sigh, hanging my head low enough that my forehead brushes his back. "You win. You were right and I was wrong. This was lovely, thank you for bringing me." I kiss the back of his neck.

"You're welcome." He says happily and I can tell he's grinning. "Now are you ready for some real fun?"

"What?"

James takes off, shooting through the sky at top speed. He goes so fast that my scream gets caught in my throat. I grip him tightly as he does loops in the air. Suddenly, he points the broom downwards and we plummet towards the ground.

"JAMES!" I scream.

He pulls up just in time and levels off before touching down.

"Are you _insane_?" I seethe. "Don't—you—ever—do—that—again!" I say, punctuating every word with a slap on his back.

James laughs, hugging his middle. I let go of him and cross my arms over my chest angrily.

"It's not funny."

"It is, though." He hops of his broom and helps me down. "Lily," He places his hands on my shoulders looking down at me. He smooths the crease in my brow with his thumb and smiles. "You have to admit it was a thrill."

"No it most certainly was not! Are you trying to get us killed?" I ask, pushing him away.

James laughs, shaking his head. "Okay, I'm sorry."

I turn away from him. "I don't accept."

"Lily," He whines. He grips my hips and pulls me towards him so that he can wrap his arms around my waist. He kisses my neck from the side to the back. "Please forgive me."

"No." I persist.

Sighing, James turns me around so that he can look at me. "It was stupid and reckless of me and I'm sorry."

"It was and you should be."

"I am."

"Good." I reach up and kiss his nose.

James smiles and places his hands on my hips. "So what do you want to do today?"

I look up at him carefully. "You mean I get to choose?"

"I promise this was all I had planned for today."

"Hm," I think about it. What _haven't_ we done already? We have already done every single romantic thing one could possibly do in the Wizarding world. So what else is there? "I think we should just stay in and watch a film." I say finally, giving up completely.

"A what?" James asks, puzzled.

"A—oh that's right, it's a Muggle thing." I smile; pleased with myself for having found something James has no right over.

"A film. Are those the things we learned about in Muggle Studies? Like moving pictures except not really."

"Yes, exactly. I'll show you."

I take his hand from my hip and start pulling him away.

"Where are we going?" James asked, amusement clear in his voice.

"Oh—I don't know." I frown. We're in a meadow in the middle of nowhere.

James barks a laugh. "We're miles from home, Lily. We'll have to fly back."

"I hate you." I grumble, dropping his hand and crossing my arms over my chest.

"And I, you." He quips before pulling me onto his broom and carrying us home.

O.o

My plan to show James a piece of Muggle culture is crushed when I realize the Potters don't have a telly. Nor does anyone around for miles that we could borrow one from.

"What a disappointment." I complain sadly.

James shrugs. "We'll just have to find something else to do."

"Like what?" I ask, falling back onto his bed. We'd come in through his window the same way we'd left. It's still much too early for even his Auror father to be up and we didn't want to wake anyone.

James joins me on his unmade bed. "We'll think of something." He answers, leaning towards me. He kisses my cheek before I could protest and moves towards my lips. He kisses me deeply, moving evermore closer, shifting his body so he's lying down next to me. One hand moves to curl around my head and the other glides over my stomach, playing with the hem of my shirt.

I fist his shirt in my hands, bringing him closer to me. We haven't properly snogged in a while because we've been so busy during the day and so wiped by night. That and the fact that whenever we might have the chance someone decides to interrupt.

The Potter household is plagued with men. For the last few years it has only been James, his father and now Sirius that have been living here. They have three house elves. Two boys and a girl—Spinet, a young one with wide eyes that clearly has a taking for James. I don't think she likes me much.

James continues to pepper my mouth with closed mouth kisses. I breathe in through my nose, smelling his James smell. I open my mouth and he kisses my tongue. I giggle, turning on my side and letting his body cup mine. We kiss again.

"Someone's gonna find us." I mumble into his neck.

"Everyone's asleep." He whispers back, nudging my face up with his nose so he can kiss me again.

"I bet Spinet is. I bet she knows every move we've made since you woke me up this morning."

James groans. He grabs me by the waist and turns us so that he's pinning me against the bed. He holds my wrists and places them above my head before kissing me breathless. "You're ridiculous." He states, kissing down my neck.

I squirm beneath him, trying to manoeuvre my hands out of his grip. He takes a pinch of skin into his mouth and sucks on it, flicking his tongue out every few seconds. I can't take it, my mind is completely clogged with _James_ and it's driving me insane.

I sense something in his kiss. Something urgent that's making him act so wildly. In all of our numerous songfests, James has never been so forward and it's giving me chills. But not the kind I usually get from him. An uneasy feeling creeps up my back.

"J-James," I stutter, my eyes struggling to open. "J-James."

He doesn't answer. His head bows lower and he kisses my collarbone.

"James!" I yell when he nibbles my skin.

He chuckles darkly and I can feel his eyelashes flutter over my skin. I squirm some more and in a burst of energy, I flip us over so that I'm straddling his waist.

"Goddammit!" I yell triumphantly.

I look down at his face and he gulps, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. I'm holding his hands in front of me and I play with his fingers. "What's the matter with you?" I ask.

"What?"

"Where did that come from?" I ask, my body still hot from the way he was touching me.

"I'm not allowed to kiss my girlfriend?" James laughs, moving to push me off of him.

I stand—sit—my ground, refusing to budge. "Something's wrong." I say.

"Yeah, you ruining the mood." He answers tersely.

I lean down and kiss him properly on the mouth, sticking my tongue in his and pushing his aside. I kiss him long and hard before breaking away again, panting. "There," I say.

His mouth is small and he looks away.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I just haven't kissed you in a while."

"Do you like when people call you on your bullshit?" I ask.

James pushes me away and I slide off of him. I help him sit up and we scoot over so we're facing each other in the middle of the bed. "What is it?"

James runs a hand through his hair so roughly he scrapes his scalp.

"I got a note from Dumbledore when I was in France." He says, his hands covering his face. "He has a mission for me to go on. Me and the lads. We—we leave next week."

"What?" My hand jumps to my throat. "What are you talking about?" That doesn't make any sense. James asked me to visit before he came back from France, which means he would've already gotten the note from Dumbledore. We were supposed to be spending time together.

"I needed you here to protect you. You'll be safe in the house."

"That's why you made us do all that stuff. You were trying to get everything in before you _left me_." I say. My head is reeling with his announcement. What does he _mean_ he's going on a mission?

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Lils. But I didn't know what else to do."

I shake my head. "What mission? Where are you going?"

"There's a lead of a Death Eater headquarters up north. Dumbledore wants us to go on a raid to see what we can find out. Maybe capture a few—"

"But that's dangerous."

"I told you what being part of the Order meant, Lils."

"You didn't tell me you'd be fighting _Death Eaters_ or going away for weeks at a time."

"It'll only be one week. And Pads has spoken to Mr Jones and he's agreed to let Hestia stay here while we're gone." I look away. I didn't tell James about Hestia and my fight nor have I spoken to her since I left. James and I have been so busy doing our own thing I haven't had to see her while she was with Sirius.

"I don't want you to go." I say.

"I know, I don't want to leave you, either." James says, taking my hand in his.

"Then don't. Let the others go and you stay here."

James smiles sadly. "You know I can't do that. First, the lads would be lost without me. And you know I wouldn't do that."

"Why not? I'm asking you to stay." I say, pulling my hand away.

"And I'm telling you I can't. This isn't up for discussion."

"It doesn't have to be. Just don't go and we'll be perfectly fine."

"Lily, you're asking me to choose between you and my job."

"It's not your job, James. It's this ridiculous fantasy you have of being able to save the Wizarding World! You are _not_ going and that is final." I snap, crossing my arms over my chest in a no nonsense fashion.

"And for the last time, Lily, you are not the boss of me." James climbs of the bed and walks towards the window.

"I'm not trying to be. But you have to understand; going on this mission could be dangerous. You could get hurt."

"I know that. I understand perfectly well what I've signed up for. It's _you_ who doesn't seem to get it. I promised Dumbledore I was going to be a part of his rebellion, I was going to help fight against the Dark Lord. I want to go."

"And what about the promise you made to me?" I ask, climbing off the bed as well. "What about your promise to _stay_ with and protect me? You can't keep that if you go and get yourself killed."

James turns to me, anger in his eyes. "I'm doing this for you!" he yells. "That's why I do anything! I would've gone a long time ago just to keep you safe. But I stayed with you until they needed me. I stayed by your side all year when I could've left and made myself useful. And now they need me. And now I have to go. You'll be safe here."

"How can I be safe when you're not here?" I cry. Tears fall down before I can catch them and I hate myself for crying. I want to be strong. I want to keep my composure so that James realizes that my asking him to stay is for the best and not just some silly girly fear of him getting hurt.

James marches up to me and places his hands on my shoulders. "Do you still have the necklace I gave you for your birthday?" he asks. I nod. "Then I'll always be with you."

Another couple tears dribble down my face and he wipes them with his thumb. "I'm sorry, I have to go."

He lets go of me and turns to leave the room. I can't let him walk out of here. I know he won't be leaving for another day or so but if he walks out it'll be final. It'll be like he's already left. So I close my eyes and wish for the words that will make him stay.

"I love you."

O.o

I cover my mouth with my hands. I didn't mean for those words to slip out but it does the job. James has frozen, one hand on the door. It feels like an eternity before James clears his throat.

"Don't say that to me." He says hoarsely.

"B-but it's true." I stutter. And it is, oh Merlin, it is.

"No. No, you don't get to tell me you love me and expect me to just do what you say!" James yells and hits the door with his fist. I'm afraid he'll punch a hole but the wood stays intact.

"James, that's not why I said it."

He whirls around to face me and his eyes are manic. "Isn't it, though? Why else would you say that? It's not like you _mean it_."

"Yes I do! But unlike you I'm not going to pretend like I didn't say it!" I yell back. Tears drop one by one down my cheeks and I hastily swipe at them.

"You only said that to stop me from leaving."

"No, I said it because I needed you to know." I hug my middle, frustrated with him for not understanding. "I know I can't make you stay. I can't make you do anything. But I-I need you to know that I love you and if you go—and if something happens—"

"Nothing is going to happen to me!"

"You can't know that."

"I can and I do." James walks over to me and gathers me in his arms. I rest my head against his chest and feel his heart beating wildly through his shirt. I kiss his heartbeat.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." I sob, hugging him tightly.

"And I love you." James whispers into my hair. "I love you more than anything on this earth."

"Then why are you going?"

James sighs. "Lily, not much is safe anymore. There is a lot of evil out there and they're getting stronger. Soon—soon nothing will be safe. I'm going to try and do my part to stop it. I'm going because I don't want to live my life in fear of losing you." He kisses my head. "I'm going for us."

I hug him tighter. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, I understand." I say.

He pulls away and kisses me slowly. When he draws back he's wearing a silly smile. "You love me."

I swat his arm. "Yeah, I do."

He leans his face in close to mine. "I knew it." He breathes.

I kiss his top lip. "Shut up." I mumble. I walk backwards, pulling him with me until we fall onto his bed. "Now where were we?"

O.o

James is just about set to leave and in a few short minutes he'll be gone. I don't want to think about that or what may come after. He has a rucksack slung over his shoulder filled with extra clothes, a toothbrush a moneybag and his two-way mirror in case he and the lads are separated. His wand is in his pocket.

"I guess we're all set, then." James says. He hovers around the front door nervously.

"It's not too late to back out." I tell him, crossing my arms.

James sighs. "Please don't make me feel bad about leaving you."

I blink back tears. "I'm not. I'll miss you."

James drops his bag and wraps me in his arms. He kisses the top of my head and I tuck my face into his neck. "I'll miss you, too. More even."

"That's unlikely."

He kisses me softly on the lips, keeping his lips pressed to mine for a long time without moving. "I love you so much. I'll be back soon."

"I love you, too." I put on a brave face and smile.

"Right then. Pads and I are meeting Moony and Wormtail in London and then we'll go from there. Padfoot!" He calls up the stairs.

Sirius and Hestia walk down, hand in hand. "I'm ready." He says.

Sirius kisses Hestia one last time and James kisses me before the two of them walk out the door. Hestia and I stand together in the frame watching them until they've disappeared from sight before closing the door.

It's just the two of us now, save for the house elves. James' father left on a mission of his own this morning and won't be back for a while. This is the first time I've seen Hestia since I walked out of her house a week ago. She doesn't meet my stare.

Fine, if that's the way it is.

I start to leave her when she calls out, "Lils,"

I stop and turn to her.

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Sirius and I. I just—I didn't know how to tell you. It was a big deal and I didn't want you judging me."

"It was a big deal." I say. "And it really hurts that you'd think I would judge you for that. I'm your best friend, Hestia. I thought you trusted me."

"I do. I really am sorry. But you didn't tell me when you and James kissed." She says defensively.

"That's different and you know it. I explained why I didn't tell you and at least I had the decency to tell you eventually. I was embarrassed and I thought telling you would make it real. You deliberately kept this from me."

Hestia hangs her head. "I know."

I bite my lip. Maybe I'm being unfair. After all, sex is a really intimate thing and do I _really_ have a right over Hestia telling me? We're best friends and being mad at her about this doesn't feel very best friendly.

I sigh. "I'm sorry."

She looks up, confused. "Why?"

"That we're fighting about this. Our boyfriends basically just went off to _war_; we should be sticking together. Look, from now on no more of this. We tell each other what we want to tell each other and we understand and discuss it like rational people. I'm sorry I turned it into a fight."

Hestia looks at me shocked. She comes over and hugs me and I hug her back. "Deal."

I don't know what I would do if Hestia and I didn't make up. Go out of my mind, most likely. We try to keep ourselves busy as best we can. I promised James we wouldn't leave the grounds while he and the lads are gone in case something happens so we're forced to spend our time within the confines of the house. It's a pretty big house but there's not much to do. We spend a lot of time in the library, that's for sure. There are a lot of shelves dedicated to Defence Against the Dark Arts and Hestia and I take turns practising spells. There are a lot of storybooks, too. And of course, I read poetry.

I've taken to sleeping in James' bed if only just to feel close to him. My room is on the opposite end of the hall to prevent shenanigans. I curl up beneath his sheets and hug his pillow, breathing in his scent left behind. It calms me a little. But for the most part, I still always feel like crying. Every night I dream of James not coming back and I wake up sometimes in a cold sweat thinking the worst.

"Guess what today is!" Hestia says cheerfully at breakfast on Saturday. We're in the kitchen eating toast and jam that Spinet made.

I close one eye, thinking. "Hmm, I don't know." I tease.

She swats my arm. "I'm actually so excited."

I am, too. But James warned they might not make it back today. Depending on how everything goes they might not be back until Sunday evening. I remind Hestia of this.

"Don't be a downer, Lils." She scolds.

After breakfast Hestia and I retreat to the drawing room where we have an on-going chess match. The two of us are very evenly matched and it usually takes us hours to finish a game if we play nonstop. We've taken to doing six moves a day just to draw it out as long as possible. But today we've resolved to finish it.

"Knight to E4." Hestia says.

"Bishop to E4. Check." I say.

"Rook to E6."

"Knight to D3."

"Queen to D5. Check."

We keep going and finally we have to call it a draw. Hestia goes to her and Sirius' room and I retire to the library where I read until dark. After dinner Hestia and I sit in the living room and put on classic Wizard rock records. There's a silence in the air that hangs thickly above us. The anticipation of the lads' return is on both of our minds.

The hours tick by and nothing happens.

"They're not coming home tonight, are they?" Hestia sighs sadly.

I look out the window. "No," I tell her softly.

Hestia nods. "I'm going to bed." She stands to leave. "You coming?"  
"Yeah," I follow her up the stairs and we part when I reach James' room.

I'm disappointed to say the least. I was really looking forward to James coming home tonight. I'm trying not to worry because he did tell me this might happen. But still, the nagging feeling of something wrong pulls at my heart. I just want him home, to feel him with me. The feeling I got when Sirius told me he was missing in January creeps slowly up my back and I shiver, trying to push it away.

This isn't going to be like that.

I strip down to just shorts and a camisole before climbing into bed. I curl up under the sheets and tuck my head in the crook of my elbow. My mind wanders to James wherever he is and I slowly drift off to sleep. I wander into a dreamy state smelling James around me. I shiver from a cold draft. I must've left the window open. A sound of footsteps reaches my conscious. One of the house elves must be awake wandering the house.

And then arms circle me, jolting me awake.

I turn around quickly, a scream ready to burst from my lips. I see James in front of me. His glasses are off along with his shirt. He's looking at me with a wicked smile on his face.

"James," I whisper.

"Hey, Lils." He breathes.

"You're here."

"I promised I'd be back."

I push myself forward, locking my arms around his neck. I hold him tightly and he hugs me back just as hard. I try to move closer, disbelieving that I could ever be close enough. I tangle my legs with his and push my face against the back of his neck, clinging to him.

"I missed you so much." I say, not realizing how much that was true until now.

"I missed you, too." He bends his head down to kiss me and it's the _sweetest_ kiss I've ever had. I bite his bottom lip savagely and kiss him harder, moving my lips wildly against his. I roll us over so that I'm straddling his waist and kiss him again and again and again.

"Ow," James mutters as I push my chest against his.

I still and look to see what's wrong. There's a gash on his side that has been hastily cleaned and is sticky with clotted blood.

"You're hurt." I say, climbing off of him.

"Not badly." He says. "It happened a while ago so it's pretty much healed. Come back." He tries to take me into his arms again.

I move to his side gingerly. "What happened?"

"Got caught with a nasty spell. But I'm fine, really. I missed kissing you." He kisses my forehead.

I smile shyly. It didn't escape my notice that James is in nothing but his boxers.

I feel self-conscious all of a sudden in so little.

I turn my back to him and tuck myself into his side. He wraps his arms around my middle and pulls me close. He's curled and I fit into his lap just so.

We fit together.

James moves the hair from my face and kisses the base of my neck lightly. "This feels right." He murmurs against my skin.

I agree. I bring his hand to my face and kiss it, nuzzling it with my nose.

"I love you." I say softly.

James rolls on top of me and hovers above on his elbows. He kisses my closed eyelids first and then my cheeks and my nose and my chin and then peppers my mouth with kisses, murmuring, "I love you" with every touch of his lips on my skin.

I place my hands on his waist, smoothing them up and down his back. I can feel his heart thumping against mine. James' hands crawl towards the hem of my shirt and inches it upwards as he works his tongue in dangerous ways.

Something clicks in my consciousness.

"No, don't." I mumble, stopping his hands from shedding my shirt.

"Why—not?" he pants.

"I'm not wearing a bra." I answer, rubbing my nose against his cheek. It's rough with stubble.

James laughs and plunges his hands beneath the thin fabric. "Is that all?"

His hands are cool against my flushed skin as he reaches the spot on my back where my bra strap would've been. I squirm trying to form a coherent thought. It feels too good to be wrong. I arch upwards and pull him down so that we're flush, front-to-front. I kiss him hard to distract his hands from wandering. But it doesn't work. His hands move from my back to my sides until his thumbs are just—

"James! Stop." I push his hands away forcefully and hold them away from me.

"What, what's wrong?" He asks, his eyes find mine and they're cloudy with lust.

"I think we need to stop before we do something we shouldn't." I say calmly, gently nudging him off of me.

"Do something like what?" He asks.

I shake my head. I need my body temperature to drop before I can have this discussion. "Things were going too far."

"We were just kissing."

"_That_ was _not just_ kissing." I say sharply.

James laughs once. "Lily, we've been going out for a long time now. We love each other. Wh-what's wrong with not just kissing?"

I turn with my back to him. I don't know what's wrong with it. Nothing, I guess. But I don't feel like I'm ready. How can I explain that to him to make him understand and not hurt his feelings? I've kept him waiting for so long already, why should I make him wait anymore? James is good to me. I trust him. Why does there always have to be a problem?

"Lily," James reaches his arm around my stomach.

I take it hesitantly. "I'm not ready to do anything more yet." I say slowly.

"Then we won't." He says, kissing my neck.

I lace my fingers through his and guide his hand upwards until it rests against my chest. I let go, letting him lay his hand flat against my skin. I know he can feel my heart beating wildly. I smooth his fingers out.

I trust you, James. "This is me trusting you."

* * *

**A/N:** _Yay, chapter 16. I really hope you guys like this one because it gave me so much trouble. I told you I'm terrible at fluff and this was as M as I could go right now. Things are getting serious, guys! Thank you all so much for reviewing and favouriting and following. It means so much to me. Keep it up, please!  
_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: March, 18._


	18. Kiss me quick

**Chapter Seventeen: Kiss me quick**

James and I almost had sex last night.

Maybe not, maybe we would've stopped. But I highly doubt it would've if I hadn't stopped it when I did. The thing is, my attraction for James has only increased since we started dating. It's a good thing, I know. But it can be hazardous, too.

I was never the girl to imagine my first time. Hell, it took me years to imagine my first kiss and look how that turned out. But I knew my first time was supposed to be special, with someone I loved, preferably on my wedding night. All that's changed now. Remaining celibate seems to be less and less of a concern the more time I spend with James.

This morning when I woke up, James' hand was still on my chest and I was tucked into his side. His face was in the tangle of my hair and he was snoring softly, almost like a whistle. In the morning light I could see that it wasn't just his old wound that reopened. He had little cuts and scrapes all over his body that I was somehow able to overlook in all the time I spent running my hands over his body.

People see what they want to see.

I liked waking up next to him. Seeing his face first thing when I opened my eyes was a sight I wouldn't mind getting used to. But first I had to learn how to control myself. What if he goes away again and we get too excited upon his return? Will I be able to stop then?

I stayed awake, watching him sleep until he woke. James looked up at me and smiled and I kissed his forehead. I slipped out of the bed and tiptoed to my room before anyone found us. I took a long, cold shower and washed away every sinful thought I had.

"Are you okay?" Hestia asks me. She's been chewing on the same bite of her apple for ten minutes.

"Yeah, why?"

"You keep staring off into space. I was just wondering if something was wrong?"

"No,"

"I mean what could be wrong? Sirius and James came home, all is well!" She gushes.

I know Hestia and Sirius slept together last night but not in the way James and I did. Their night was much less innocent than ours was. I want to talk to Hestia about James and I but at the same time, I don't want to bring up that subject again. I meant what I said; sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. We'll do it when we're ready and not a moment before. I don't need to make a big deal out of this.

"Do you know where they are?" I ask her. We're in the library lazing around.

She shrugs. "Sirius said something about going to see Remus and Peter. We should owl Dorcas and Marlene and Mary and do something fun."

I bite my lip. They're more her friends than they are mine. "Sure," I say.

"We'll go shopping in town or something. Girl stuff."

"Sounds tempting." I say. And it really does.

"So it's settled."

Hestia stands and I hold my hand up to stop her. "I promised James I wouldn't go anywhere without him."

She stops and looks at me. "Why?"

"He says it's not safe out there alone. I don't want to worry him."

"You're kidding, right? I never pegged Potter as the controlling type."

"He's not!" I defend.

Hestia crosses her arms and shakes her head. "If Sirius told me I couldn't go anywhere without an escort I'd dump his sorry ass."

"He's just trying to protect me." I say.

"Lily, you're a better witch than any of those boys. If anyone can take care of themself it's _you_. I don't see what the harm is in going out. They did." She reasons.

I mean, she's right, isn't she? James did go out and I didn't think twice about not allowing him. He didn't even tell me! I have a hard time believing things have gotten bad to the point that five brilliant Gryffindors can't go out together without getting hurt.

I nod. "Okay, let's write them."

Hestia grins. "Yay!" she cheers. "The three of them are staying at Mary's, we can floo there."

Hestia and I get ready and are in Mary's living room in almost no time.

"What're you guys doing here?" Dorcas asks entering the room first, the other two following closely in her wake.

"We're here to kidnap you three for some fun on the town!" Hestia announces brightly.

"You two are aware there's a war going on, right?" Marlene asks.

Hestia waves her hand flippantly. "I'm sick of that excuse. July is all but over and we haven't had a lick of fun together. When August comes we'll have no excuse to put off our responsibilities. I say we make the most of today and go out. Danger be damned."

"You're crazy." Marry laughs.

"Maybe, but I got Evans to come along. So you'll have to deal with that logic."

The three girls look at me. "What potion did she use on you?" Marlene asks sceptically.

I laugh nervously. "None, the girl makes sense."

Dorcas, Marlene and Mary share glances before breaking out into identical grins. "Okay, give us a mo." Dorcas says.

We floo into the Leaky Cauldron and turn our backs to the entrance to Diagon Alley. We step onto the London street and look left and right.

"Right, so where to first?" Mary asks.

"There's this adorable café down here," I point. Petunia and I used to go there with mum on weekends when we were kids for Sunday tea.

"Okay, tea first and then _shopping_." Hestia gushes.

I order a camomile tea just like I used to. We sit in the window in a circle.

"So Dorcas, tell us about Jason." Hestia says with a coy smile.

Dorcas blushes. "Not much to tell."

"Shut up!" Mary says. "They're so cute. I think he's going to propose."

"I call Maid of Honour when he does!" Marlene is quick to say.

"Propose?" I ask quietly.

"Well, we have been together for four years…" Dorcas says. "But I don't know, we're still so young."

"Dorcas, Jason is 20. He's ready."

"But if Dorcas isn't then they shouldn't rush into anything." I say, placing my hand on hers.

She flashes me a grateful smile. "Thanks, Lils. But it's not that I'm not ready, per se."

"Then what is it?" Mary asks.

"I don't think his mum likes me much." She answers.

The four of us groan.

"Are you serious? That old witch!" Marlene screeches.

"I don't think Jason is going to be doing any asking of any sort if he doesn't think she'll approve."

"Jason loves you! To hell with what his _mother_ thinks." Hestia says firmly.

Dorcas flashes an uncomfortable smile and I squeeze her hand. "What about _you _Mary?" I ask, recalling Nathaniel Peabody, a Hufflepuff in our year she'd been seeing.

She blushes and the conversation keeps rolling from there. When the girls finish talking about their boyfriends and Hestia finishes complaining about Sirius, they ask me about James. It takes a couple questions to get me started, but when I do I find I can't stop talking. I tell them about all the dates he's planned and the places he's taken me and by the end of my long rant I'm almost certain they're all in love with him, too.

But he's mine.

"Shopping!" Hestia says when we realize our cups are empty.

The five of us stand and step outside. The sky is darker than it was before and I groan. Not rain, not today. Come on, England, get it together! I pull my hood up and clutch the sides so the wind won't knock it down.

"Looks like a storm." Mary sighs.

"Looks mad scary." Marlene comments.

Dorcas opens her mouth to answer when a large boom echoes around us. The five of us whirl around on our heels to see seven men in black cloaks walking towards us. They have their hoods up, covering their faces and wands poised. Hestia screams and stumbles into me.

"Death Eaters." She whispers.

We all draw our wands instantly.

_Death Eaters_. What are they doing here? I glance around and see Muggles scattering. Some of them stop and stare, wondering what these crazy fools are playing at. I want to yell at them to run—to scatter, too—but I don't.

A spell is cast and Marlene blocks it and suddenly spells are being fired every which way. I manage to yell a few but none hit my target. I mostly block but the figures are getting closer and my aim is getting weaker.

"_Expelliarmus!_" I shout at one of the Death Eaters.

"_Protego!_" He rebuts.

The fight is turning into a full on duel with each of us paired up against one, sometimes two, of them. I'm fighting one on two and I hate to think I might be losing. I struggle to remember spells we learned in DADA and ones Hestia and I learnt while James and Sirius were away.

I hit my stride, firing spells like crazy. I get five in a row and block every single attack. The adrenalin running through me has made me numb all over. I spin on my heel to move on to another Death Eater when Hestia calls my name.

It's like slow motion. I spin around and am confronted with a wand pointing at my chest. I don't even have time to raise my wand before a spell is being fired. I'm knocked backwards onto the street—but not from the spell.

Someone has knocked into me, shielding me with their body. The person twists on top of me and fires a spell of their own, hitting the Death Eater square in the chest. I close my eyes and let my head fall back and lie against the pavement for a second to catch my breath.

There's a ringing in my ears.

"Lily," A heaven sent voice says, "Are you okay?"

I open my eyes and see James' face hovering above mine. "James," I murmur.

"Come on, let's get out of here."

I don't have a second to protest before he's apparated us home. James helps me inside and sits me gently on the couch. He pulls me into a hug, stroking my hair and kissing my head, rubbing his hands on my back.

"Thank Godric you're okay." He says.

"I-I'm fine." I manage.

James pulls back to look at me. "What the bloody hell were you doing out?" He roars.

"I was hanging out with my friends. What were _you_ doing out?" I counter.

He stands up and retreats a few steps. "We were out doing something for Dumbledore. We were on our way to the Leaky Cauldron for a pint before we came home when we saw the attack. Lily, didn't I tell you it was dangerous to be out alone?"

"You did." I concede.

"Then what's your excuse?"

"You're not my father."

James' mouth becomes small. "I'm not trying to be. But you have to understand—"

I shake my head. "James, I understand perfectly well. I'm sorry I went out, believe me, I am. But you can't expect me to wait around for you to be there to protect me. I'm gonna start my nursing job soon, I'm going to be out on my own a lot more."

James rakes his hands through his hair. "You don't need to work."

I snort. "We are not having that argument. Ever."

"Fine. Please, just be careful next time." He strides towards me and crushes me in a hug. "You have no idea how scared I was to see you there."

"I was pretty scared, myself." I say.

James captures my lips in a kiss and I allow myself to melt into him. Standing in his arms, the weight of what I've just been through crashes down on top of me. I grip his shirt in my fists and press my face into his chest.

"Can you just…hold me?" I ask quietly.

"Of course." He says.

He tightens his hold on me. One hand is on the small of my back and the other on the back of my head. I rest my cheek on his shoulder and we stand there for a moment. I shake myself loose and take him by the hand, leading him towards the couch where I lie down. I curl my hand around my head and scoot to the edge of the cushions. James crawls behind me and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me firmly against him. I snuggle in and allow him to draw circles on my chest. I love the feel of his breath on my neck and I can't figure out if my heart is racing because of him or because of the Death Eaters.

"I love you, James." I say sleepily.

"I love you, Lily." I hear him whisper just before I drift away.

O.o

I think my run in with the Death Eaters has kicked James' protectiveness into overdrive. I _was_ a little taken aback when we didn't full out brawl when we got home. But the aftermath has shown me just how angry and scared James really was.

Hestia moved back in with her father. She wanted me to come with her but James refused to let me go.

"You're safer here. There are spells to protect you. Have Hestia bring her father and you guys can stay here." He'd said, a panic in his eyes when I told him.

"James, Hestia's father can't move in here and you know she can't go much longer without him. They need each other."

He'd hung his head. "I know…but please, just don't go. You don't understand what it's like out there. _No one_ is safe." He'd cupped my face in his hands and looked deep into my eyes. "I don't want you getting hurt."

I agreed to stay with him, but _only_ until I saved enough money to rent a flat on my own. My nursing position pays well enough and it shouldn't be long before I move. I work every day and attend classes at the hospital at night to become a Healer. My workload has doubled from my days a Hogwarts.

I thought it was weird when I didn't receive my Hogwarts letter for the first time in 11 years, but when September rolled around and I wasn't frantically packing for school, it really hit me that I was _never_ going back. I felt like another person going to work instead of school. Instead of professors and students I see Healers and patients. But the fact that I work in the same building all day _filled_ with fully trained wizards doesn't stop James from escorting me to work every day.

Except, of course, when he's on missions.

It wasn't a one-time thing, the missions. It's become sort of a routine, actually. Every other week or so James and the lads are off on another adventure, doing their part to fight against the darkness rising. With me working every day and him gone most nights and sometimes days at a time, we hardly have time to see each other. And when we do, we don't do much catching up.

"James, I have work in the morning." I gasp as he sucks on the skin at my neck.

"So do I." he answers wryly.

"So we should stop," I struggle to say. "and go to sleep."

"Will you be sleeping here?" He asks, rolling me over slightly so that he can kiss me at a different angle.

"N-no, I really think I ought to sleep in my own bed." I say. "Oh, _Godric_."

James chuckles knowing fully well that I won't be leaving his room any time soon. James and I have taken to sleeping in the same bed more often now that we barely see each other just to maximize our time together. I don't think James' father even knows about it; that or he's choosing to turn a blind eye. We were careful not to make a habit of it at first because it was always awkward when Sirius would catch me leaving his room in the mornings. But now that he's moved into the flat he'd inherited from his uncle, James and I do as we please.

Except for _that_. We haven't done that.

James pulls my nightshirt over my head, leaving me in a thin white camisole. I shiver in the cool late-October air and James is quick to cover me with his body. He attacks my neck again with his mouth and pushes his hands beneath my shirt. He rubs his hands over my back in slow circuits that are making it hard to think.

"James—"

"Lily, can you please shut up?" He growls, kissing my lips.

I kiss him back forcefully. There's something I've been meaning to discuss with him…maybe now's the time.

I wrap my arms around James' shoulders and flip us so that I'm straddling his waist. James grins and pulls me down towards him. I happily oblige and rain kisses down on his face and neck, smoothing my hands down his chest. I reach the strap of his boxers and slip my fingers below, tracing the edges enticingly. James hisses his approval and grabs the top of my thighs.

"I've been thinking a lot about these missions, James. And I've really missed you." I say between kisses.

"I've missed you, too, Lils. But I have to say, nights like this make it all worth it." He makes to flip us over again and I have to clamp my legs together to stop him. I need to be on top for this.

"Yeah, well, I wish we could spend more time together."

"I'd like that." He licks my lips and kisses my nose.

"Well, y'know my classes are ending soon. So I'll be free at nights."

James responds by squeezing my bum and nibbling my lower lip. He's making this so difficult.

"But you're still going to be busy with the Order so I'm going to be alone most of the time after work."

"I'll try to come back sooner but I can't make any promises." He says regretfully.

"No, that's fine. I mean, I've been thinking a lot about your work with Dumbledore and I really _get it_, y'know? I think it's important."

"It is."

Okay, Lils, drive it home.

I place both hands on James face and kiss him so passionately I'm sure he's seeing stars. "So—I—think—I'm—gonna—join." I say, kissing him properly to punctuate every word.

James' lips still against mine. Slowly, he takes my wrists and moves them from his face. Then he puts his hands on my waist and gently pushes me off of him. I sit up and watch his face. His eyes are closed and he's pinching the bridge of his nose, his expression pained.

"Say something," I urge.

"You're not going to like what I have to say." He says.

"I'm not asking your permission."

"Then why the _bloody hell_ are you telling me?" He seethes. I'm taken aback by his anger, not that I didn't expect him to be angry. But how quickly it's flared alarms me.

"James,"

James hits the bed so hard it shakes violently. "All I've ever done was try and protect you. And now you want to bloody join! That is _not_ helping me."

"I never asked you to protect me!"

James sits up, rage showing clearly on his face. "You don't have to! That's what you _do_ when you love somebody. You try and protect them! You do everything you can to make sure—to make sure they're _safe_. How-how can you think that joining is going to help anything?"

"What, you don't think I'm good enough to help stop the Dark Lord?"

"You know that's not what I mean. You're the best damned Witch anyone's ever seen. But what about _me_, Lils? I couldn't concentrate on anything knowing that at any moment you could be _killed_. Merlin—if I lost you." Angry tears dribble from James' eyes and my heart breaks for him.

I scoot closer to him so that we're sitting knee to knee. "James," I coo, wiping his tears. "Look at me. I am so terrified every time you leave me at the hospital because I _know_ you're going to be putting yourself in danger on purpose. But I let you go because I know you need to. I know you think it's unfair of me to join in something so dangerous, I _know_ that. And I love you for loving me so much. But please, I want to fight. I see you go to _war_ every day and I think about how amazing it is. You're so brave and selfless and I want to be that, too."

"You already are."

I shake my head. "No, I'm not. Look, I'm not saying I have to duel with Death Eaters and kill You-Know-Who myself, but there's got to be _something_ I can do to help; heal injuries, plan raids, _anything_. Can you accept that?" I lace my fingers through his. "For me? I need to be a part of this."

James still looks sceptical but he nods anyway.

"Thank you." I say and kiss him sincerely on the lips.

"You _are_ going to kill me one day, Evans." James says. He turns on his side and opens his arms for me to cuddle into. I lie down and turn to face him.

"We'll die together, how's that?" I ask.

He hums. "Good, but how about we skip the dying part and just stay together?"

I smile. "I'd like that."

"Go to sleep, love." He cuddles me to his chest and I wrap my arms around him and together we fall asleep.

O.o

I join James at the next Oder meeting. The Fidelius Charm protects the house where it's held and I have to be given a note from Dumbledore to reveal its location. It looks so small from the outside but once inside, it opens up to reveal numerous Witches and Wizards both young and old buzzing around. James leads me through the house and I see people I recognize from Hogwarts. Alice and Frank Longbottom sit together in one of the rooms and they wave, rings glinting on their fingers. They graduated two years above us and got married straight away.

We reach the far end of the house where Dumbledore sits with two other older wizards.

"Ah, Ms Evans." Dumbledore greets. "So happy you could join us." He beckons us towards him and gestures to two seats for James and I.

"Good evening, professor." I say shyly.

"Mr Potter has informed me of your desire to join our cause."

I glance at James and smile and he forces a small smile back. He hasn't said much all day and I know he still doubts my decision. "Yes, I do."

"I must warn you, what we are doing here is not to be taken lightly. I'm sure Mr Potter has already filled you in on all the danger that may befall you by pledging your loyalty to our cause. I need to make sure you're positive you wish to pursue this."

I swallow largely. "Yes, professor. I understand how dangerous it is. But I want to help in any way I can. I've finished my training to become a Healer and I'm—"

"There's no need for you to convince me of your skills, Ms Evans, I am fully aware."

"I'm sorry."

Dumbledore smiles kindly, a twinkle in his blue eyes. "Ms Evans, we would be _honoured_ for you to join us." He opens his arms and gestures to his colleagues. "We welcome you."

"Thank you, sir." I smile.

"You'll receive your assignments as they come." He says by way of dismissal. "Mr Potter," He nods as James passes.

Once we exit the room I turn to look at James' face. He's scowling deeply and he utterly refuses to meet my eye.

"James?" He doesn't answer. "James, why are you so angry?"

"I'm not angry. If this is what you want then you should have it." He says tersely.

I frown and place my hand on his cheek. "I don't want to fight about this, okay? I love you."

James slowly releases his breath. "I love you, too. But Godric, my anxiety is building."

I laugh lightly. I place my palms on his chest and stretch to kiss him. "Don't be worried."

"Easier said than done. Come on, we need to meet with the others to see what the plan is for this week."

I follow him into one of the rooms we passed and see it brimming with people. In a corner I see Marlene and Dorcas sitting and chatting. I leave James and go to meet them.

"I didn't know you two were part of the Order!" I say after hugging them both.

"We joined not too long ago. After the incident…well, neither of us felt safe." Marlene explains.

"And Mary?"

"She moved to Ireland with Nate in September." Dorcas says.

"Wow, I mean, that's great." I smile.

"Yeah, it is. So you're joining the Order, then?" Marlene asks.

"Much to James' dismay." I nod.

Marlene and Dorcas laugh. "Yeah, Jason was so against me joining at first, too. But he's working on getting over it." Dorcas says lightly. "James is just trying to protect you."

"Blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I think it's great that you're joining. We girls should be able to protect ourselves and not wait around scared for our boyfriends to come home. I think we have just as much to offer. Lily, you were Head Girl! If that doesn't say you can handle yourself I don't know what does. That Death Eater attack? You were the only one hitting your target. And look at Alice and Frank," Marlene gestures towards the couple. "Alice was the one who got Frank to join."

"Thanks, Marlene." I smile gratefully. "I was really against James doing this at first but now I think it's important, y'know? That attack we had—it really scared me."

"Us, too."

"Ahem, can I have everyone's attention?" A voice says from in front of the fire, drawing everyone from their conversations. I look to see a petite witch with short red hair holding a roll of parchment.

"That's Holly Williams." Dorcas whispers to me. "She coordinates all of the missions."

"Thank you. Now, on to business. We need volunteers to go on a rescue mission up north. There's a Muggle town that our undercover sources are telling us is going to be targeted. I'll need people good with combat and have good healing skills. Things are bound to get messy." She says. "Anyone?"

Hesitant hands are raised around the room. "I was thinking ten people would do. Do we have three more volunteers?"

Biting my lip, I raise my hand.

Holly smiles. "I'm sorry, what's your name?"

"Lily Evans." I answer.

"Great. Okay you ten, you leave tomorrow morning. Come with me and we'll work out the details."

The room starts moving again. My cheeks flush in pleasure and my heart starts to pound. I can't believe I'm going to be going on my first mission! I'm really going to be helping people! I say goodbye to Marlene and Dorcas and push my way towards the door. I'm about to exit when someone moves in front of me, blocking my path.

I look up and see James staring lividly back at me. His face is red and he's wearing the most angry, hurt expression I've ever seen on his handsome face. In all the excitement of getting my first assignment I completely forgot about how James would feel about it.

"James, I—"

He pushes past me, not saying a word. I turn and watch him walk out the front door, slamming it behind him. I want to chase after him but the woman with the scroll calls my name and I can't get away.

I take one last glance backwards and then follow her into the room.

* * *

**A/N:** _Chapter 17 is a wrap! I hope you all liked it. Big shout out and thank you to Scooterbugs for the name "Holly Williams". Not much else to say besides a massive thank you to everyone who reviews/subscribes/favourites. I've been getting some particularly sweet reviews recently and I appreciate them so much, so thank you! Keep on doing what you're doing and I'll see you next time._

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: March, 25._


	19. Kiss you inside out

**Chapter Eighteen: Kiss you inside out**

I get home late, reeling with excitement over the details of my mission. I know it's not going to be fun, but I can't get over the rush I have knowing I'm doing my part to help innocent people.

All of that drains when I step into the house and find it dark. There's usually a light on, either from James' father or me. But James' dad is on a mission for the Ministry. I light my wand and climb the stairs. I pause in front of James' room and debate going in.

The look on his face scared me. I thought he was going to yell at me right there in front of everyone. That would've been awful, but I can't say it would've been worse than him yelling at me in private. I dread seeing him right now. Not when I have to leave so early tomorrow.

I pluck up my courage and twist the knob slowly. Once inside I see that the room is dark and the bed is still made. James isn't here.

Maybe he's waiting for me in my room.

I run there and see that it, too, is empty.

I run back to his room. Still nothing.

"Spinet!" I cry for the house elf.

She appears with a _crack_. "Yes, Miss?" She says with reluctance.

"Has James gotten home yet?" I ask.

"No, Miss."

I bite my lip. "Okay, thank you."

I turn and leave her, going back to my own room. I can't even think about sleeping now so I decide to pack my rucksack. I've watched James do it so many times that I know exactly what to take—even without the prep list I got at the meeting. I send an owl to the hospital telling them I'll be taking a couple days off. I hope that's okay. I busy myself until I hear a faint _pop_ from outside my window.

With the house so silent and empty, every sound is amplified: the sound of James' key in the lock, the twist of the knob, his footsteps on the stairs. I wait for him to enter my room but he doesn't even make it this far down the hall. Instead, I hear him enter his room and close his door with a slam.

My light is on _and _I left the door open. The twat is ignoring me.

I wait a little longer and when I realize he really isn't going to come, I go to him.

"James," I knock on his door. There's no answer so I take the liberty to barge in.

"Oi, I could've been changing!" James says once I enter. He's standing by his chest of drawers, staring into it.

I snort. "Like you would've minded."

"What do you want, Lily?" He asks cuttingly.

"I want you to stop being angry with me."

"Angry with you? Now why would I—Oh yes, because you volunteered for a mission on the _very first day you joined_. How eager of you." He snaps.

"I got excited, okay? Is that what you want me to say? That I didn't think it through before my hand shot into the air? That this isn't a Defence class demonstration but something real? I know what I did."

"Then why did you do it?"

"Because I wanted to!"

"You told me you weren't gonna duel or try and kill You-Know-Who yourself! You said you were going to heal injuries and plan raids. Not go on them. Godric, Lily, you _promised_ me."

I look down. "I know I did. But Holly said it wasn't going to be too dangerous."

"Everything is dangerous."

"Where did you go when you left?" I ask quietly.

James sighs and rakes his hands through his hair. He backs up and sits on the edge of his bed. "Just out to clear my head. I was shocked to hear your name."

I lean against his bedpost. "I was, too. But I knew it was the right decision. I think I'll be really useful there. I'm the only trained Healer _and_ a Muggleborn."

"I know you'll be brilliant—but that doesn't change the way I feel about you going."

I cup the back of his neck with my hand and play with the ends of his hair. "I don't expect it to. Please don't be angry. I can't leave you knowing you're angry with me."

"In that case, maybe I'll stay angry." He says, but his voice is light and teasing. I position myself between his knees and kiss him, wrapping both arms around his neck.

"The world is changing, Lily. Can't you feel it?" He mumbles against my lips.

I can feel it. Subtle changes are taking place all around us. People are becoming more suspicious every day. Very soon trusting even your best friend will be a challenge.

I cling to James and kiss him forcefully. "Don't bother trying to scare me, James." I say. "Because I'm already as scared as I can be."

"You're scared?"

"Terrified."

"Then why—"

"Because I love you." I sigh. "And the love I feel for you gives me the courage to believe that things will get better. It can't be this way forever, this growing fear that surrounds us. You make me believe that there are good people in this world and together we can put an end to the misery."

James sticks his thumbs into the waistband of my pyjama shorts and rubs enticing circles on my hipbones. "Godric, I can't wait for this to be over." He sighs, hanging his head.

"Me too." I agree.  
We don't say anything for a while. We just stay as we are: him sitting on his bed with me between his knees, his hands on my hips and my arms around his shoulders. He bows his head low and rests his forehead on my chest and I let his hair cushion my chin.

"I should go to sleep, I have an early morning tomorrow." I say finally.

James nods and pulls away. He climbs onto his bed and allows me to tuck him in. I pull the blanket up to his chin, place his glasses on the night table and kiss his forehead. I extinguish his lamp and turn to leave.

"Goodnight, James." I say when I reach the door. I look back at him before I exit to see he has turned to face the window.

He doesn't ask me to stay.

O.o

The morning comes far too soon for my liking. It seems like I only just closed my eyes before they opened again. I hurry about my room, packing a few last minute things and getting ready to leave. I'm still so tired, but even in my sleepy haze I can't help but be excited. I know I shouldn't be, that this is not going to be _fun_. But still—my first mission.

I sling my rucksack over my shoulder and pad quietly down the hall to tell James goodbye. When I reach his room I see a sliver of light beneath his door.

Odd.

I push it open to see him stuffing a shirt into a rucksack. He turns quickly, a hand flying to the back of his head. He grins sheepishly.

"James, what are you doing?" I ask slowly.

"Um…packing." He says lamely.

"Why?"

"Because I'm going on a mission." He answers, screwing his face in a guilty expression.

"I'm confused." I say, but a bubble of understanding swells in my stomach.

James sighs and sits on the edge of his bed. "After you left the meeting yesterday, I went to see Holly. I asked her to let me go on the mission as well."

I scowl at him feeling hurt. "Why would you do that? This was supposed to be _my_ mission."

"You weren't supposed to have a mission at all!" he yells angrily. "I need to go with you, just to make sure you're okay. You have no idea the kind of danger—"

"There are going to be nine other fully capable Witches and Wizards there as well. Not to mention that _I_ am also a fully capable Witch. I will be just fine without you."

James shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Lily, but I just can't take that risk."

"You're acting like you're gonna lose me."

"I might."

"Keep acting like a selfish jerk and you actually _will_." I snap.

My hand claps over my mouth and my eyes widen in shock. I have never threatened to break up with James before. Never even _thought_ about it, no matter how badly we rowed.

James' face pales and it looks like I took a Cruciatus Curse to him.

"No, no I didn't mean that." I say quickly.

Merlin, I feel awful. James and I have an unspoken agreement never to even joke about breaking up, much less threaten. I know how scared he is of losing me, maybe more than I am of losing him. It may not always seem like it, but I've grown to love James as much as he's always claimed to love me and breaking up with him, especially for doing something _for_ me, would be the most heartless thing I could ever think to do.

All James is trying to do is protect me, I remind myself.

_But he's smothering you_, says the voice inside my head. I haven't heard from her in so long, I forgot she even existed.

But he loves me, I answer her.

_Then he should trust in your ability to look after yourself and always be there for him_.

He's just scared. We all are.

"James," I choke.

"It's okay." He says quietly.

"No it's not!" I wail. "Godric, this is so messed up. This bloody _war _is messing with my fucking mind."

"Then let's boycott it." James says. "Let's just stay here."

I look up at him. "What about fighting for the greater good?" I ask.

"Fuck the greater good. I don't want to fight a war if it leads to fighting with you, too." James stands and walks towards me. He takes my hands in his and brings them up to his face. He kisses the top of each of my hands and presses them against his cheek. "All I want is for us to be together forever."

"So do I." I say sincerely. "But James, we can't stop doing what's right just because we're scared. You taught me that, remember? I have to go on this mission. I have to do my part to help in any way that I can. But I need to do it alone."

James closes his eyes. "Why?"

I bring his hands down and kiss his fists. "So that you can be here to welcome me home."

James cups my cheeks and kisses me softly, rubbing his nose against mine. "Please don't go."

I kiss his jaw. "I have to."

I pull away from him slowly and shift my bag so it rests more comfortably on my shoulders. I draw my wand and poise it in front of me.

"Don't go," he whispers.

"I love you." I say and then I disappear.

O.o

I arrive at headquarters to see that almost everyone is already here. Holly Williams is in an armchair by the fire, ticking things off a checklist. I walk over to her and force a smile.

"Hullo, Holly." I say cheerfully.

"Evans, good you're here." She says brusquely. The warm tone she'd used yesterday is gone and my smile slips slightly. "You lot are just about to head out. Where's Potter?"

"Oh, um, he's not coming." I say.

"What, why?"

"He had a change of heart about going on this one."

"That twat. He _begged_ me to let him on this mission." She says angrily.

"I know." I say. "He says he's really sorry."

"Fat lot of good that does us." She snaps before turning back to her list.

I take that as my cue to leave and turn away from her before she can snap at me again. I see a man leaning against the opposite wall, smiling at me. I smile back and he beckons me over.

"Hullo," He says. "I'm Benjy Fenwick."

"Lily Evans."

"First mission?" He asks.

I nod. I gesture towards Holly with my chin. "What's her problem?" I ask.

"Williams? Ah, is she giving you a hard time?" He gives a low chuckle. "That's just Williams for you. She gets a little frazzled before every mission. Don't take it personally. She's a real gem when she's not at war."

I nod my understanding. "I get it. My nerves are pretty frazzled, too."

"Say, you're Potter's bird aren't you?"

I roll my eyes. "Is that what you guys call me?"

Benjy laughs. "Nah, nothing like that. He does talk about you a lot, though. "Lily's gonna kill me if I make it out of here alive" is usually what he says."

"Why?" I ask.

"I guess if you knew the shit he gets himself into on these missions. He's the worst for picking fights." He laughs again. "You don't seem like the kind to get mad about that, though. I mean what bird would if she's willing to go through the same thing?"

I gulp. "What do you mean?"

"Well, these things aren't exactly a walk in the bloody park, are they? Potter's nearly gotten himself blown up about a dozen times. Hell, practically all of us have been faced with an Unforgivable. He made you out to be a right hardass. But, Merlin, good for you for stepping up. We've already lost so many volunteers from being scared little cunts."

A lump forms in my throat. I don't understand what Benjy is saying, but at the same time, I fear I understand all too well. James warned me not to go, begged me not to. And now I'm starting to see why. I suddenly see the faces around me more clearly and they're not excited in the least. They're sombre and frightened and determined not to give in.

I recall all the nights James came back home ready to collapse. He never did though; he always found enough energy left to stay up with me a little while longer. But he never told me about his experiences, I realize. All he'd say is "it's dangerous" or "I can't describe it". And I never pushed because I didn't know there was something he might not be telling me.

Why couldn't he just tell me?

And now I'm here, about to step into the fire for myself. James was right if he thought I'd kill him if I ever knew what he'd gotten himself into. But if he didn't think I'd also want to hold him close and lock us away forever, he'd have only been half right.

I think about him at home all alone, waiting and wondering if I'll ever come home to him. My heart breaks a little. A part of me wishes I'd never told him to stay home but a larger part is angry with him for lying. If he'd only told me the truth about what it was like out here, maybe I would've understood why he didn't want me to go. Maybe I would've fought to make him stay, too, but at least then I would've known what I was talking about. I mean, I knew it was dangerous. But I never really thought so much about just _how_ dangerous.

Merlin, I'm in deep.

"Hey, are you okay?" Benjy asks, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I shake my head and force a wan smile. "Yeah," I squeak.

"Uh-oh, I didn't scare you now, did I?" he asks.

"Oh no, I'm fine." I lie.

"Good, because I think we're about ready to go." He tilts his chin towards the door and I see that everyone is clumping together around a dirty old watering can.

"Ever used a Portkey before?" He asks.

I shake my head. "Never."

"Ah, well, first time for everything. It's not as bad as you'd think. But I suggest bending your knees." Benjy pats me on the back and goes to stand with the rest of the crowd.

I follow him dazedly. A weird sensation is growing inside of me making me feel like I'm turning inside out. I suddenly have the overwhelming urge to apparate out of here and never come back.

_Buck up, Lily!_ The voice inside my head yells angrily. _I know you're scared and I know you don't want to do this anymore. But just remember why you decided to join in the first place. This is the right thing to do. Your parents would be so proud of you if they were here. And even though he doesn't always show it, James is proud of you for choosing to fight, too. Do it for him._

I swallow my fear and take the insanely courageous first step towards my doom. I stand beside Benjy and he smiles encouragingly at me. The Portkey starts glowing and the second my finger touches the handle I'm swept off my feet and spat out onto a barren field in the middle of nowhere. There's a house at the far end of the field with lights on in the window.

"I thought we were coming to protect a Muggle _town_." I say.

"We were." Benjy says slowly.

"Then where is it?"

No one has an answer so we decide to ask the people at the house. Caradoc Dearborn knocks on the door and a moment later a man answers.

"Yes?" He asks in a gruff voice.

"Yes, hello, we're looking for Higgington." He says politely.

The man looks at us like we're mad. "Never heard of it. Sure you're in the right place?"

The ten of us exchange looks. "Pretty sure." Caradoc says.

"Well I can't help you." The man says and then shuts the door in our faces.

"He was rude." Caradoc scoffs.

"What are we going to do?" Someone asks.

No one has an answer for that, either. We decide to set up camp in the tiny woods beside the field and wait to see what happens. Tents are pitched and soon we're all settled in comfortably for a wait we're not sure how long will last. On the third night, I sit between Benjy and Greta Lightbody by the fire.

"What do you think is going on?" Greta asks.

I turn to her to see tears in her eyes. "I don't know, but I'm worried." I answer.

"I think we've been set up." Benjy says.

"Don't even say that!" Greta exclaims, swatting his arm.

Benjy shrugs. "Anything is possibly. I wouldn't put anything past those blasted wankers. I'm telling you, they sent us here to divide our strength. It's been three bloody days, for Godric's sake. I bet you anything something's going down on the opposite side of the country."

I bite my lip. Benjy could be right. I had an odd feeling from the moment we arrived that something was off about the whole thing. I'd never even heard of Higgington. It hurts to think that we could've been wrong about this. Here we were set to protect a poor Muggle town when it was all a hoax! But I can't deny the part of me that's glad it could be a false alarm. I don't think I'm ready to face the carnage.

But if this is as Benjy predicts, where is the real battle taking place?

"We have to tell Caradoc about this. What if you're right? We could be sitting here on our arses while people are in actual danger somewhere else!" I say.

"Relax, Evans, I don't think they were planning anything at all." Benjy says, placing a calming hand on mine. "I think they planned this to flush out the snitch. They planted a fake massacre into the grapevine to see who was the traitor."

"So there's no attack?" Greta asks.

"I don't think so. But whichever source we had is long gone by now. You-Know-Who probably killed him the second we landed here." Benjy sighs. "I hope it wasn't Thomas, he was always a nice lad."

"So then why are we still here?" I ask. I want to go home. I want to see James again. I want to have a long, hot shower. I want to be done with this pointless mission.

"Because what if I'm wrong?"

I frown at that. I hadn't even thought about that. Here I am, always having prided myself on being able to see things from all angles, and I completely forgot that these were all speculations. Nothing is a sure bet when it comes to warfare. Nothing.

"You two should get some rest. I have first shift, I'll get you when it's your turns." Benjy says kindly.

Greta and I thank him and make our way to the women's tent. Inside we count the two others already asleep. I climb into bed and turn to face the wall of the tent.

"Hey, Evans?" Greta whispers from her spot below me.

"Yes, Greta?"

"I really hope Ben is right." She says.

"Me too."

A large boom jolts me awake and I almost hit my head on the tent ceiling. I hastily wipe the sleep in my eyes and look around me. Greta, Marjorie and Clarice are hopping about, having jumped out of bed immediately following the crash.

"What's going on?" I ask, climbing down after them.

"An attack!" Marjorie answers.

My eyes snap to the open flap of the tent to see orange flames lighting the view, a streak of green and purple or red occasionally flashing by.

"Mother of Merlin." I whisper, slipping my boots onto my feet.

"Hurry!" Clarice urges, rushing forward.

I follow in their wakes and am blinded by the brightness outside. A dozen Death Eaters have appeared and are firing spells every which way. The Order members are doing a good job sparring with them but they have two extra members on us.

"_Expelliarmus!_" I cry, missing my target.

"_Confringo!_"

"_Protego! Stupefy!_" That one connects and the Death Eater collapses close to the fire.

I turn around in time to see a Death Eater creeping up behind Benjy. "_Petrificus Totalus!_" I shout and the man falls over like a log, eyes moving wildly behind his mask.

Two down.

A Death Eater materializes in front of me and raises their wand. "_Avada Kedavra!_"

"_Protego!_" I shout just in time. I barely have a chance to breathe before I shout a knee-reversing hex I learned from one of the books in Potter's library.

The Death Eater blocks it easily and shoots another spell my way. We go back and forth, each time blocking or missing altogether. I'm breathing hard and my sides have stitched, but I keep firing spells as quickly as I can. I search my spell repertoire for as many cruel offensive spells as I can remember but I'm running out of effective ones. Mostly I have harmless little jinxes that I used to use on the Marauders when they were being gits. Now I wish I'd learned some better ones. A tickling charm isn't going to do me much good now.

I fire it anyway, shouting, "_Rictusempra!_" and aiming it at my partner.

It hits him and he keels over, giggling like a third year that was just winked at by Sirius Black.

I'm momentarily stunned that it worked and I stand their watching him confusedly.

"Evans!" I hear Greta shout.

I turn around to see her bent over a fallen figure. I rush over to help and find Benjy sprawled on the ground, blood gushing from his left brow and multiple gashes all over his tattered body.

"Godric Gryffindor." I gasp, falling to his side.

"He needs help, _now_. Go back to the tent and do what you have to." She says, pushing me to stand.

I levitate Benjy's body and quickly guide him into the women's tent. I lay him gently on Greta's bed and set to work. I carefully remove his shredded clothing and then clean his wounds with the first aid kit in one of the supply crates we brought.

Remembering the war outside, I turn to seal the entrance flap in case someone unwelcomed breaks loose from the fight. If someone else needs my attention, someone out there will let me know.

Benjy swims into consciousness for a moment. He smiles at me and I smile back, my eyes watery with tears.

"You'll be fine, Ben." I say.

He dips under again and I worry he'll slip into a coma. I rummage around in the kit and before he's fully gone, I force a potion down his throat that will keep him in a light sleep for as long as I need him to be.

I finish dressing his wounds and then cover him with a blanket so that he doesn't catch a fever.

I make the executive decision to leave him alone in the tent and then head outside to see how else I am needed. The duelling has finished and the Death Eaters have fled. Order members limp around camp, tending to each other's wounds.

On the edge of camp are two people, one wailing uncontrollably. I rush over to help to see Marjorie leaning over Jenson Flaherty's body.

"Marjorie, what happened?"

"Jenson is _fucking dead!"_ She cries angrily. "They killed him!"

"What?" I ask in a daze. I drop to my knees and press my ear to his chest. There's a noticeable absence of the rise and fall of his chest in breath.

Marjorie turns to me and throws her arms around my neck, clinging to me and sobbing hysterically. I hold the older woman in my arms tightly and allow her to cry. I'm too shocked to do anything else. Slowly, other members start to make their way over us.

"Evans," Caradoc's gruff voice says. "I need you to tend to the others that are hurt. We'll take care of everything here."

I nod and gently move Marjorie from my arms to Caradoc's. I tend to the four others who have been hurt, going through the motions without really feeling anything. Everything has happened so fast. Two Death Eaters were captured. Jenson is dead.

Jenson is dead.

O.o

We reach headquarters via Portkey to find the house full of Order members. They must've called an emergency meeting. Holly, Dumbledore, Alastor Moody and Kingsley Shacklebolt usher us into a room where we're pushed into chairs and covered in blankets.

"What happened?" Moody bursts as if he can't hold his tongue any longer.

"Now Alastor, I believe we agreed we would let them rest and discuss matters tomorrow." Dumbledore says gently.

"But—"

Dumbledore fixes him with a firm stare that silences Moody. Family members rush in and the severely wounded are taken to St. Mungo's for proper care, Benjy among them.

"Are you gonna be okay, Evans?" Greta asks, staring after the man taking Benjy to hospital.

"Go, I'll be fine." I tell her earnestly.

She smiles at me and follows after them, gripping Benjy's sleeping hand before they disappear. I hang my head in my hands, breathing deeply. I'm still in shock.

"Lily, _Lily!_" A voice calls through the crowd. My stomach gives a familiar swoop that raises Goosebumps on my arms. James pushes past the bodies pressed together until he's able to kneel in front of the chair where I'm sat. "Lily, oh thank _Godric_. I thought you were one of the people they were taking to St. Mungo's." He grips my hands in his, peeling them away from my face. "Are you okay? Don't cry, I'm here." He says, using his thumb to wipe away the tears I wasn't aware of falling.

"I'm okay." I say quietly.

"Like hell." He growls. "Come here," He gathers me in his arms, nudging me over so that he can sit next to me on the chair. James holds me tightly, tucking my face into his neck and kissing the top of my head. "I don't think I've ever been more happy to have you in my arms." He says.

That makes me sob harder and I squeeze his middle.

"Talk to me, Lils, what happened? I was so worried about you. They said there was an attack. Someone died—" He swallows largely.

"Jenson Flaherty." I say hollowly. "Killing spell."

"Were you there?" he asks. I suddenly recall our carriage ride up to the castle at the start of seventh year when James said he hoped I never had to see a Thestral.

I shake my head. "No."

I feel him let out a sigh of relief. "I'm so sorry,"

I pull away from him, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. "Why didn't you tell me how horrible these missions were? You led me to believe they were no big deal."

James gapes at me. "I told you I didn't want you going!"

"But you never really told me why. I thought it was about you wanting to keep me safe—"

"Why the hell would I worry about keeping you safe if these missions weren't dangerous? Obviously I had a reason for keeping you away from them. It wasn't about me trying to control you or tell you what you could or couldn't do. I told you, it was for your _protection_." He answers angrily.

I lean my head against his chest, allowing my tears to soak into the fabric of his shirt. I fist his sleeves by his shoulders and he wraps his arms around my waist. "You didn't want me to know about them because you thought I would stop _you_ from going if I knew how dangerous it really was. That's why you never talked about what you went through while you were away, admit it."

I don't say it meanly, just matter-of-factly. James sighs and kisses the top of my head. "You're right. It was for both reasons, I guess. But you can't blame me—"

"I don't. It just makes me that much happier whenever I get to do this," I reach up and kiss him lingeringly on the lips. James moans into my mouth, tightening his grip on my hip.

"Let's go home." He says, his voice low.

I laugh once and nuzzle his neck. "Okay."

James helps me stand and together we walk to the front of the house.

"Leaving?" Sirius asks, coming into view. "Hiya Evans, how're you?"

I smile at him. "I'm fine, Sirius, thanks."

"Yeah, mate, Lils is tired." James answers. He takes my hand and kisses it. "I'll see you tomorrow."

We apparate to the Potters' to find the house dark.

"Your father isn't home yet?" I ask.

"No," James ruffles his hair. "I'm not too worried, though. Something must've come up."

I frown and follow him into the house. That means James has been here alone while I was away. I know what it's like to be alone in this big place with only house elves for company and it's not exactly pleasant. At least I have work during the day to keep me occupied. I feel bad for leaving him.

We go directly to James' room. He sits on the bed and takes off his shoes. "Stay here tonight?" He asks.

"Of course." I say. "But I could do with a hot shower. I'll be back soon." I kiss him quickly and then march off to my own room. Once inside, I strip down and run the water until it's scalding hot. The water soothes the muscles on my back, undoing all the knots the stress of the mission had tied. I let myself cry for a moment, letting them mix with the water and fall down the drain where they belong. I don't want to cry anymore.

I both rush and take my time because I want to enjoy my time in the bath and also get back to James. I missed him so much while I was away and seeing him again stirs something within me. I was so scared during that attack and I knew that he wasn't about to jump out and save me. Not having him there—I mean, it was good because I could learn to take care of myself. But it was scary, too.

After I finish, I hurry down the hallway into James' room. The lights are off and I can see him beneath the blankets. I climb into the bed and his arms are instantly there to greet me. I cuddle into him and rest my head against his chest. We lie there for a moment, feeling each other breathing. In and out, in and out. The rhythm calms me.

Slowly, James leans down and kisses me on the lips. I kiss him back, opening my mouth so that he can touch my tongue with his. We take it slow for a while but soon we realize that slow wasn't enough. He kisses me harder and moves his mouth quicker against mine, bites my lip and opens his mouth wider. I happily oblige, kissing him back with as much fervour. His hands wander down my body to settle at my hips and I reciprocate. I pull his shirt over his head and throw it aside before kissing his neck. James chuckles in the back of his throat, shoving his hands beneath my tank top.

I kiss him one more time before reaching down and shedding my own top. James' breath stops for a moment when he realizes what I've done. I'm not wearing anything under my camisole. This is the first time I've ever done this. I resume kissing him, trying not to make a big deal out of it. I just want to feel close to him right now.

Understanding, James continues kissing me. I push my bare chest against his and pull him on top of me. I love the feel of his weight pressing down on me. I love the feel of his skin on my skin and the way my whole body feels on fire. James kisses down to my neck and sucks on the skin above my collarbone. I moan loudly, grasping at his back. Suddenly, I feel him through his boxers.

I close my eyes and thread my fingers through his hair. "James," I whisper.

"Mmm?" He asks, his lips not leaving my neck.

"I think I'm ready." I say.

"Ready for what?" He mumbles. He runs his hands up and down my back.

"Y'know…" I say. He doesn't answer so I shift my waist until my right knee is pressing between his legs.

"Oh!" James squeaks. He clears his throat and rises on his elbows to look at me. "Are you sure?"

I bite my lip. "I think so." I nod.

"You think so?"

"I am."

James regards me for a moment before nodding as well. "Okay," He says slowly. "Okay."

He lowers himself on top of me again and I feel his hands move down to shed his boxers. I clutch his shoulders tightly as they're about to slip off—

"No, wait!" I say loudly.

James' hands stop instantly. "Lily?"

"Wait," I breathe in deeply and look up at the ceiling. I can feel James' eyes on me, clearly confused. I don't want to play this game with him anymore. Always reeling him in and then throwing him back. It's unfair of me but I know that doing something before I'm ready would be unfair to both of us.

But I love him. And I _want_ to be with him in every way possible. I think—I think—but maybe that's the problem. I think I think too much.

I squeeze my eyes shut and throw my arm over my forehead. "No, I want to do this. I want you."

"Lily, we don't have to—"

"Take off your knickers, Potter." I scold.

"I have a better idea,"

And then he takes off mine.

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello my lovely readers! So, I'd just like to start off by saying this chapter took me just over 3 weeks to write so I'm a little behind where I was hoping to be. Therefore, the next chapter won't be up for 2 weeks. Speaking of where I'm hoping to be, I think we should be finished by the end of April, beginning of May if updates continue biweekly. Thank you to everyone, your support means everything to me! Please review and tell me what you thought of this one because like I said, it was difficult at best. Oh, and I'm sorry if Higgington is a real place, I thought I made it up. Okay, that's all. ta!_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: April, 8._


	20. Until you kissed my lips

**Chapter Nineteen: Until you kissed my lips**

In the morning light, I feel different. But I don't at the same time. Something's different about me, but the change feels _right_. I was afraid that I would regret what James and I did last night, that it would've been the result of a near-death experience. That it would've been my fear of losing him and never getting the chance again driving my actions rather than my love for him.

But it wasn't. I'm just as in love with James now as I was last night. I think I made the right decision.

I sure as hell _feel_ like I made the right decision.

My head rests against his bare chest, his arms wrapped securely around my shoulders. Our feet are tangled beneath the sheets. I look up at his face; the sun is shining on it and casting shadows in the hollows beneath his eyes and across his nose and mouth. A tuft of hair falls onto his forehead. His lips are parted and they're bright pink. Stubble is scattered across his face in scratchy patches that he'll have to shave when he wakes up.

I watch him until his eyes flutter open. The moment his beautiful hazel eyes meet mine, he breaks into a radiant grin that lights up his entire face.

"G'morning." He says, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Hi," I say softly.

"Sleep well?" He asks, stretching his free arm above his head.

"Exceptionally. You?"

"Never better." He leans down and I allow him to kiss my forehead, wary of the cottony feeling in my mouth.

We sit up at the same time and turn our backs to each other, pulling on our respective knickers. Once we're decent, we turn back. James looks at me, his gaze tenderer than I've ever seen it. He brushes the hair from my shoulder and kisses it once.

"You're beautiful." He tells me seriously.

I blush wildly—something I can never stop doing even though we've been together for so long. I nudge his cheek with my nose and kiss it.

After a lot of blushing and stolen kisses, we find ourselves in the kitchen. Spinet has made us a breakfast of eggs and toast and honeyed tea. I chew a piece of bread slowly, watching James sip from his mug. He catches my stare and grins.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking about what time I'd have to go back to headquarters. We left pretty early last night and they probably need me to answer some questions."

James frowns. "Are you sure you don't want to stay in today?"

I laugh. "Why would I do that? I'm not sick or anything."

"No, but you had a rough couple of days."

"I know I have, but sitting around isn't going to change anything. I need to get this over with."

James nods. "I need to come with you, anyway. The lads and I need to meet with Dumbledore about a lead we got from his bloke at a pub in London. Seems he's keen on joining You-Know-Who's ranks."

"That doesn't sound good."

"It's not."

"So when were you planning on going?"

"Anytime, really. Whenever you're ready I'll mirror Padfoot. Moony and Wormtail are staying at his place so they'll meet us there."

"Okay."

We finish eating breakfast and then get ready to leave. My stomach suddenly feels sick with dread. I don't want to have to face all the people who have shared in my grief. It was only my first mission and I didn't know anyone that went well at all, it almost feels like I have no right over feeling sad about Jenson's death when I barely even knew him.

But never getting the chance to know him makes what happened so much more real to me. The acceptance of death has become a fixture in my life; you'd think I'd know how to deal with it. But no, Jenson's passing has hit me as hard as it would anyone.

James finds me in my room, sitting fully dressed on my bed staring out the window.

"Are you ready, Lils?" He asks.

"Yes," I say, following him from the room.

He grasps my hand once we reach the foyer and we apparate together to headquarters. The house isn't as busy as it was the night before but the other eight members of my mission are there along with Holly, Kingsley and Dumbledore.

"Ah, Ms Evans, lovely to see you." Dumbledore greets when he sees me. "I'm going to need you to explain to me your role in the attack."

I nod. "Of course, Professor."

James squeezes my hand before leaving me to find the lads. Professor Dumbledore smiles kindly at me and gestures for me to sit opposite him. I oblige and fold my hands neatly in front of me.

"Now, Ms Evans, start from the beginning of the attack."

I launch into my version of the horrible tale. He listens patiently as I tell him about duelling with the first Death Eater and then having to heal Benjy Fenwick in the tent. I have to pause as I recall finding Marjorie bent over Jenson's lifeless body, but he listens patiently as I tell him that part, too. When I finish, Dumbledore continues to watch me with his piercing blue eyes that make me feel rather uncomfortable. It's as if he can see right through me, right into my soul. It's unnerving, really.

"Thank you, Ms Evans, for your extreme act of bravery and courage." He says finally.

I blush and tuck a strand of hair behind my ears. "I don't know, I didn't feel particularly brave or courageous."

He smiles kindly. "One seldom does in the midst of a brave and courageous act. You did well."

I nod once and he dismisses me. I walk through the house and spot Greta and Benjy leaning against the wall where I first met him.

"Hullo," I say.

"Hey," They say back. "Did you hear? The funeral is set for tomorrow." Greta says.

"That soon?"

"Yeah, Jenson's family wants it over with as soon as possible. They're real cut up about the whole thing, I think it'll just be best if they didn't have to worry anymore." Benjy says.

"Godric, y'know, I still can't believe it happened. Jenson was always such a sweet lad. He didn't deserve to die." Says Greta.

"No one does," Benjy answers, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "But as long as that twat is still around people will continue to. I just wish there was more we could do."

"What more is there?" I ask sadly.

Benjy shakes his head.

We stand in silence for another moment before I excuse myself to find James. I finally find him in a room on the other side of the house with only Sirius, Remus and Peter.

"Hiya," I say upon entering.

"Evans," Remus and Peter nod. I smile at them and then look to Sirius to see him facing the wall, his posture stiff. I turn to James and he shakes his head sadly.

"What's wrong?" I ask. The boys clear their throats awkwardly. "Guys…"

They continue their silence so I decide to go for the weakest of the bunch. I fix Peter with a cold stare, one I haven't used since I was at Hogwarts. "Peter?" I say with authority.

His eyes flick wildly from me to Remus to James, both of who shake their heads defiantly. Finally, Peter lets out a tiny squeak and covers his face with his hands. "Hestia broke up with Sirius!" He bursts.

"Wormtail!" the three of them yell.

"What? Why would she do that?" I ask, genuinely surprised. "And why wouldn't you want me to know about it?"

"Because it doesn't fucking matter." Sirius snaps, turning to face me.

My expression softens when I see his face. The poor lad is really gutted about this, I can tell. I take a step towards him. "Maybe I can help. Why did she end it?" I ask gently.

"Why don't you ask _her_ that? Bloody wench." Sirius snaps again. He turns to face the wall again, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. I reach my hand out to touch his shoulder when I catch James' eye. He signals for me to follow him into the hallway and I do.

"James?"

"It happened last night. I think you should go and see her."

"Do you think she'll listen if I tell her—it just doesn't make any sense. I mean, I knew she wasn't as happy in the relationship anymore but she seemed fine. To just end it like that, so suddenly, I can't imagine why. Do you think I'm missing something? Do you know if something happened between them, or—"

"Relax, Lils." James places a hand on my shoulder. "I just really think you should pay her a visit."

I bite my lip. "Okay…now? What, no chaperone?" I try to joke.

James shakes his head. "No, I'll meet you back at the house when you're finished."

He kisses me on the cheek and turns back into the room. I watch his back and then the door closes in my face. That was weird. I do want to visit Hestia, though. Not just to ask her what's going on with her and Sirius but because I haven't seen her in ages. I never even got a chance to tell her about the Order and now I've come back from my first mission. There's so much we have to tell each other.

So I leave headquarters and apparate to her house. I look around the front yard as I wait for someone to open the door and I see a white signpost stuck in the grass. I stare at it for a moment, wondering what it is.

"Evans!" Mr Jones says, calling my attention.

I turn to him and beam a smile. "Hi, how are you!" I ask. I rush forward and hug him tightly. He chortles happily and holds me back.

"I'm good, good…" He pulls away and I see his smile vanished. "Come in,"

The front hall is dark and there's a chill in the air that has little to do with the growing early November freeze. I look around and find the walls bare and there are boxes stacked along the walls.

"What's going on?" I ask, a gnawing starting in my stomach.

"Um, I think it's best to let Hestia explain. I'm still not sure of it, myself." He gives a nervous laugh before leaving me in the almost empty living room. I perch on the edge of the couch and wait for her.

Slowly, I hear her padding down the stairs until she appears in the doorway. I look up at her, frowning deeply. Why did James think I should do this alone?

"Hey, Lils." She says with a sheepish smile.

"You're moving?" I ask angrily.

"To Italy."

"_Italy?_" I screech.

Hestia sighs and walks forward to sit beside me. "Please don't be angry with me. I wanted to tell you but it all happened so fast and then I found out you were in the _Order_…"

I bite my lip and look at my feet. "That happened really fast, too. I wanted to tell you but I got my first mission on the first day and I've been away since—Godric, Hest, there's so much I want to talk to you about."

"I know, Lils, our lives are moving so fast. I need to get out of here, _we_ need to get out of here, my dad and I."

"Why?" I choke.

"He's a Muggle and I'm a Witch. If I stay here, especially with all my friends in the Order now, I'll become a target. I can't put my father in danger like that. He didn't choose this life; he didn't know what he was getting into. I need to make sure he's safe. So we're going to Italy where we'll stay until this is all over."

"What about Sirius? He's _gutted_ over you."

Hestia shakes her head sadly. "Maybe now. But both of us knew our end was coming. He and I haven't been the same for a long time…He'll get over it."

"What about _me?_" I ask, tears threatening to fall.

"You've got James."

"But I need my best friend, too."

"You'll have Dorcas and Marlene, they're good people and you'll be fighting with them."

I shake my head, no. "Hestia, you can't just pick up and leave."

"I can and I am."

The tears start falling freely and I swipe them away with fervour. "I've lost so much already, please don't make me lose you, too."

Hestia reaches over and wraps me in her arms. I cling to her, pressing my face into her hair and breathing in the honeysuckle and lavender perfume she always wears. I feel the shoulder of my shirt growing moist and I realize she's crying, too.

"When the war ends, I'll come back. I promise." She whispers.

"I'll be here, waiting."

O.o

I get home well after sundown; my eyes still a little wet. Hestia and I made pizza, ate ice cream and looked at old photographs. We cried a lot, too. I seem to be doing a lot of that recently. Finally I had to say goodbye and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. It was without a doubt one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I walk through the front door expecting James to barrel me down. I thought he'd be worried over what was taking me so long. But he's nowhere to be found. I walk through the dimly lit house calling for him but I get no reply.

I make it to the kitchen to see a man with beautiful, long wavy hair leaning over the counter, a full plate of sandwiches in front of him. One is in his hands, a large bite missing. He chews slowly but in the teenage boy way that shows he's eating not out of hunger but out of necessity.

"Sirius?" I say, walking into the room.

He jumps a little but makes no other indication of hearing me.

"Sirius?" I say again.

"Lily," he grunts before ignoring me again.

I open my mouth to ask him where James is and why he's here but the look on his face stops me cold. Sirius Black has always been the devilishly handsome Marauder, the troublemaker, bad boy, joker, heartbreaker extraordinaire. He's also always been extremely moody and sometimes difficult to talk to. Especially if you're me: the girl who had been rejecting his best friend for years. It's not that Sirius doesn't like me; it's just that I know he hasn't always approved of James' feelings for me, mainly because it bordered on masochism. And it's not like we've ever had any proper conversations.

He was my best friend's boyfriend (who at first I didn't understand why she would go out with) and my worst nightmare's best friend. That's all we ever needed to be to each other.

"Hey, are you okay?" I ask instead, taking another step towards him.

"Fine," He grunts.

I cross my arms over my chest. "I just came back from Hestia's." I say cautiously.

"Good for you, Evans. I'm glad she's talking to someone."

I take the few short steps left towards him and sit on the barstool he chose not to occupy. With me sitting and him leaning over the counter, we're about the same height. He takes another bite of his sandwich. I pick one up, too, and take a bite.

"Oi, that's mine!" He exclaims.

"Well, I'm hungry." I snap.

"Whatever."

I sigh and lower my hands. I play with the crust of the bread, contemplating how I should go about the conversation.

"She's sorry, y'know."

Sirius snorts with derision. "She said that?"

"She is."

"So that's a no."

"Sirius, she didn't want to break up with you."

"Then why did she?" He asks roughly.

"Sh-she's moving." I answer.

"Yeah, I know. What a load of crap." He sneers. "She has to take care of her _father_. Pft, as if I buy that for a second."

"She's just trying to do what's right. Her father is a Muggle, he can't defend himself the way we can. He's the only family she has left for Merlin's sake!"

"That's not true! _I'm here, you're here, the lads are all here_!" Sirius roars angrily. "We are all here for her and she's choosing to leave us. And why?"

"Because she's scared."

"_Because she doesn't care!_" He yells, louder this time so that his voice echoes in the empty house. "She doesn't care about me anymore." He says softer, sadly.

I frown, tears misting my eyes. "Sirius,"

He shakes his head. "If you were close with your sister would you leave Prongs to keep her safe?"

"That's not really—"

"Just answer the damn question, Evans. Would you?"

"No." I answer automatically. "No, I wouldn't. But it's different."

"What's different about that? You wouldn't leave Prongs because you love him and you trust him to help you keep her safe. She doesn't feel that way about me anymore."

I don't know what to say to that. I've never seen Sirius like this. He pushes his plate and half eaten sandwich across the counter and it slides until it's almost at the edge.

"Y'know, I never thought of myself as a one bird kind of bloke." He starts, scratching behind his ear much the way a dog would. "That was always Prongs, maybe even Moony if he ever let himself think about one that way. But Prongs knew from the beginning what he wanted. A wife, a house, kids, just like his parents. Then he got his sights set on you and he was gone. I just wanted to have fun with someone. And Hest—she was not what I expected. I chased her just as hard as Prongs chased you for I don't even know why and when she said yes, I didn't have a clue what was happening. All of a sudden I was someone's _boyfriend_. And I was okay with it. I figured we'd last a month tops. But then…there was month two and three and four and before I knew it, it was the summer. And-and it still didn't stop. But I didn't mind and neither did she. So we kept on. It all happened so fast and so slow at the same time—"

I place my hand on his to slow him down. He takes a deep breath. Sirius turns his palm upwards to hold mine. I squeeze it once for him to continue.

"Godric, I fell in _love_ with her." He stops to sniff and uses his free hand to swipe at the tears welling in his eyes. "I didn't even know I could do that, y'know. I kept hearing Prongs and Moony and Wormy prattle on about it, how it was going to happen for them one day. And there I was already in deep. My family—" his voice cracks. "Well, y'know. The only people I loved were the lads and they were just my brothers."

"Sirius," I coo softly. "She loved you, she really did. A part of her still does."

He shrugs. "Maybe. I just never thought it would end like this. It was so sudden, like I didn't even have a say." He swipes at his face again, more forcefully this time.

I grip his hand tighter and I feel him try to pull away. I hold on and he stops pulling. I cover his hand with both of mine and duck my head to look at him. I give him a small smile.

"I don't know what to say, Sirius, I honestly don't. But I do know that it gets better. Losing someone you love or even thought you loved is hard, I know."

Sirius shakes his head. "I know you think you do, but let's not forget how quickly you ran to Prongs when you found out your prince was really a pauper."

The remark stings but I push it aside. "That's fair of you to think. But it's not true, not really. I started liking James way before I found out about Hamish. It's true that after we broke up it gave me the freedom to be with James if I wanted to and it wasn't that long until we were. But being in a new relationship didn't stop what Hamish did to me from hurting. I thought I loved him, so much so I was willing to sacrifice my feelings for James to still be with him. And losing that—finding out it was a lie—that broke me in ways I couldn't even understand. It still hurts to think about it. But like I said, it gets easier. You find other things in your life worth more of your time than the feeling bad. You start living for other reasons. Falling in love with James was the best thing I could've done because it made me learn how to _trust_ again, not only that someone would always be there but trust myself to make the right decision for me. I'm not saying you should jump into a new relationship and fall in love with someone new. But don't pity yourself, either. You and Hestia were an amazing couple, but it's over now. I'm so sorry, but it is. You're gonna have to grieve and it might take a while, but I promise, it won't be this way forever."

Sirius looks at me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Thank you," he says quietly.

"You're welcome." I whisper back. I lean down and kiss the hand I'm holding before sliding off my stool. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I start to leave and as I pass by the end of the counter, I wordlessly slide Sirius' plate back towards him.

O.o

The morning of the funeral is sombre, complete with overcast skies and harsh winds. I slept in my own bed last night and I woke to the sound of thunder crashing. I head to the bathroom for a shower, stripping down one item of clothing at a time.

In the mirror I look at my unclad body carefully. Yesterday James had called me beautiful but I don't _feel_ beautiful. I just feel like me, but fuller now. James and I haven't gotten a chance to talk about what happened the night of my return. But the morning after wasn't the time for a heavy discussion and after my chat with Sirius last night I went straight to bed. Soon, though, will be the time.

As I step into the shower and the hot water hits my back, my thoughts shift from James to Jenson. I know I didn't know him that well, but that doesn't stop his death from affecting me. The fact that someone died on my first mission feels surreal. What are the chances of that even happening? It all happened so fast in such a horrible way…

Before I know it, I've started to cry again. I hug my body under the blanket of warm water and let the sobs shutter through me. It's just not fair! Jenson was so young and he had so much good in him. He didn't deserve to die. Not at the hands of such villainous cretins. What purpose does his death have? I stand under the running water for a while longer before finally shutting off the tap and stepping out. I dry off quickly and enter my room again wrapped in just my towel. I slip on a plain black dress and black heels and brush on a bit of makeup. I don't want to be going to a funeral at all.

"Lils, are you up?" James asks, knocking hard on my door. "Can I come in?"

"Yes, come in!" I call back.

James opens the door, dressed in formal black dress robes. He appears to have tried to somewhat flatten his hair but has failed miserably. "Oh good, you're ready."

I sling my purse onto my shoulder and walk towards him. Smiling, I run my fingers though his hair to mess it up. "Don't try to change who you are." I say before kissing him on the corner of his mouth.

He grins sheepishly and ruffles the back of his head. "I thought since—y'know. I wanted to look nice."

I place my hand on his cheek. "You always look nice. Come on, we should get going."

James takes my hand and we walk out of my room together. "The funeral's not for another hour. I think we have time for breakfast."

So we go into the kitchen where toast and eggs have been prepared. We load our plates and sit down facing each other.

"I hate this more than anything." I tell James sadly. I fork a piece of egg and pop it into my mouth. The rubberiness feels odd in my mouth.

"I know, me too. I'm so sorry this happened. To you, to Jenson, to everyone." He sighs.

This is by far not the only Order funeral we've attended but it's the only one I feel a connection with. The others were sad, even tragic, but this one—this one's personal.

"There'll be others, too." I say.

"Inevitably."

"Of course,"

"I'd say you don't have to go, but you do. We both do." James scoops up the last of his eggs with a piece of left over toast and pops it into his mouth.

I shake my head. "No, I know. I _want_ to go." I laugh humourlessly. "I can't imagine how the people who _knew_ him must feel, not if I'm feeling this bad. I don't think I spoke more than four words to him."

"Jenson was a good lad. We went on a few missions together and he was always there to help Moony and Wormy keep Pads and I out of trouble."

"I'm grateful for that." I breathe.

"Yeah, me too." James pinches the bridge of his nose. "I um, I think we best be going."

I swallow the last of my toast followed by a last swig of orange juice before standing to meet him. We leave the house and apparate to headquarters the second we step off the property. The atmosphere in the tiny house is sombre. Everyone is dressed in black robes and no one is smiling. Low whispers and hushed tones fill the room.

Jenson's family sits in a huddle by the fire and there's a line of guests waiting to give them their condolences. James and I join the queue behind Benjy and Greta.

"Evans, Potter." Benjy says.

"Hiya, Ben." I smile sadly. I reach over and squeeze Greta's hand and she squeezes back. "How're you guys holding up?"

"Better than the Flaherty's." Benjy says tilting his head in their direction. "His mum hasn't stopped crying."

"Who could blame her?" James says.

"Oi, Prongs!" I hear Sirius call from behind. We turn to see him, Remus and Peter pushing their way through the crowd of bodies. "Hi, Lily." Sirius says shyly when he sees me.

"Sirius," I nod with a knowing smile.

"It's good you're here. Dumbledore wants to see you as soon as possible, Prongs." Remus says.

"What does he want?" James asks.

"Dunno, we thought you might know." Says Peter with a shrug.

James shakes his head. "No clue. Hey, Lils, you'll be alright if I go?"

"Sure," I nod. James gives me a half smile before pecking me lightly on the lips and turning to leave.

"Pads?" Peter says having noticed that he hadn't followed James and Remus to find Dumbledore.

"Hm, yeah, I'll catch up in a second." Sirius answers. Peter gives him a curious look before leaving as well. I turn to Sirius and see that he's watching me.

"Sirius?"

"I talked to Hestia last night." He says.

My eyes widen. "That's great."

"Yeah, I guess. It was a lot harder to listen to her reasons than I thought it would be, but I did. And—and I think I might understand now. Not completely, I still don't get why we had to end. But I'm not so angry anymore."

I throw my arms around his neck and he hugs me back. "That's fine. It'll take time." I whisper to him.

"Yeah, it's gonna take some getting used to."

I pull away, laughing softly. "I'm glad you're better."

"Thanks to you."

I rub my arm awkwardly. "You could probably catch up with the lads." I say.

"Nah, I'll stay with you. It's just a meeting with Dumbledore, anyway."

"Okay."

We stand in line until it's our turn to greet the Flaherty's. I apologize for their loss, telling them that although I didn't know Jenson that well, I could tell he was a great man. They thank us for coming, sad smiles politely gracing their faces. Mrs Flaherty takes my hand and squeezes it gently and I could feel her sadness through that simple touch.

I turn away quickly, afraid of bursting out crying in front of this woman who lost one of the most precious people in her life. I pull Sirius by the sleeve towards the door to the hallway in the hopes of finding James, Remus and Peter.

"Slow down, Lils." Sirius complains.

I see the lads exiting a room at the end of the hall, James with an unreadable expression on his face. I let go of my hold on Sirius and rush towards him.

"Hey, did you see the Flaherty's?" He asks.

"Yup. There are a few people left before the funeral starts."

James nods. "Okay, let me go say hi and then we'll take our seats." He kisses my head as he passes and I turn to follow him back to where I came.

The funeral itself was as any funeral would be. A lot of crying, moments of silence and speeches explaining just how wonderful a man Jenson Flaherty was. Jenson's father and brother said a few words before Dumbledore appeared at the front of the room to give the final speech. He commanded the room in the way only Dumbledore can. But I hardly heard a word. I was too busy trying to remember what it was like to be untouched, living through a war. Because sitting here now I realize that up until Jenson took his last breath, that's what it had been like.

The entire assembly gathers afterwards at a plot of protected land where the casualties have all been buried. It pains me as I watch the small group of men lower Jenson's coffined body into the ground.

"Hey, James, can we get out of here?" I ask when everyone started to disperse.

He looks down at me, his eyebrows furrowed. "Why, what's wrong?"

"I don't know—nothing. I just don't want to be here right now." I say, biting my lip. Is that insensitive? Should I just stop being a baby and suck it up.

"But we have to go back to headquarters—the wake." James answers.

I shake my head. "Right, sorry. I'm sorry—let's go back."

"No, hold on. Lily, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I say with a forced smile.

"Evans,"

"I just need some air." I say.

James looks around confusedly. We're outside. "Okay," He says instead. "Where do you want to go…to get some air?"

"How about we get something to eat and then we'll go to the wake after?" I suggest.

"Sure, sounds good. Let me just tell one of the lads."

James goes and I wait for him by a tree on the edge of the gathering. Save for Jenson's close friends and family, the other Order members look so poised and collected. None of them seem to want to bolt out of there. I curse myself silently for pulling James away when the _both_ of us should be here to support our fallen comrade. But I just can't find it in me.

James comes back and the two of us apparate to the Leaky Cauldron. We take a seat at the bar and Tom the barkeep slides two butterbeers our way. "Two fish and chips, please." James orders and those find their way to us, as well.

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong?" James asks after a moment of silent chewing.

"I told you I needed some air."

James fixes me with a stare that shows he clearly isn't impressed with my answer. "So we left the outdoors for an _old pub_ to get air?"

"That place was suffocating." I say quietly. I play with the neck of my bottle.

"Lils, we've been to funerals before."

"I know." I groan. "We covered this this morning."

"So then what's the problem?"

"I don't know, okay? I need a break from all this depressing shit, that's all."

"It'll be over soon." He rubs my back in soothing circles.

"No it won't. It may not last forever, but it won't be over tomorrow either."

"Since when have you become so negative?" James pouts.

"Since I realized that life can be cut so short, I guess."

We stay silent for a while. Neither of us are eating or drinking, just staring at the table top in front of us.

"So let's talk about something that has nothing to do with the war." James says as he picks up his fork again and resumes eating.

I search my mind for a topic. "I'm thinking about buying a flat."

James chokes on the piece of fish in his mouth and I have to thump his back to help him spit it out.

"_What_?" he screeches.

I set my jaw. "I want to start looking for an flat."

"Why?"

"Because it's time." I respond firmly. "I told you our living arrangement was temporary. I've saved enough money and I've been thinking about it."

"You have? Since when?"

"Since…I dunno…since recently."

James shakes his head stubbornly. "It's _dangerous_."

I sigh and place my hand over his clenched fist that's resting on the table. "I know it can be dangerous. But I'll make sure it's in a good neighbourhood and I'll—"

"You think Death Eaters are going to care about which _neighbourhood_ you live in?"

"—I'll put up protection charms." I finish, ignoring his interruption.

"What about me?" He asks, his mouth small.

"What about you?" I ask, genuinely surprised.

James rolls his eyes. "How do you expect me to take it that my girlfriend would rather live on her own in the middle of a fucking war than live down the hall from me?"

"It's not about that, James. You have to agree; living like we're going to die any second isn't really living. I need to start my life." I reason, realizing the conversation has taken for the exact opposite route I was going for.

"Why is living in my house not good enough for you?"

"It's not about you! I thought you'd be excited about me getting my own place." I argue.

"Is this because we had sex?" He blurts. James' face turns a bright shade of red, much the same as mine I'm sure.

"What?" I squeak.

James clears his throat. "Y'know…"

"No, James." I breathe. "Not at all… It was _wonderful_."

James flushes again, but with pride this time.

"I can't believe you would even think I'd want to move away because of that."

"Well what was I supposed to think?" He exclaims.

"Weren't you happy with…it?"

James gapes at me as if I had spontaneously grown two heads. "Of course I am! It was the best night of my life."

"Mine too." I blush.

"Oh."

We pause, each taking extreme interest in our bottles of butterbeer.

"You don't have to move, y'know."

"I know." A smile appears on my face. "But just think of all the sleepovers we'll get to have with no father and _no house elves_." I say thinking spitefully of Spinet.

My eyes flick to James' face in time to see him swallow visibly, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"Actually, now that you mention it, it could have its advantages." James agrees, his voice rough.

"I thought you might think so."

James looks over at me mischievously. He takes my hand and kisses it lightly. "So…when do you want to start looking?"

* * *

**A/N:**_ Hello my lovely readers! I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. It was a lot heavier than the others and it gave me a lot of trouble. But I like it and I hope you did, too. Feel free to let me know what you thought, I look forward to hearing from you! Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading and taken the time to follow/favourite/review. It really does make me so happy. So thanks again and I'll see you all soon!_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: April, 15. _


	21. I don't want a kiss goodnight

**Chapter Twenty:** **I don't want a kiss goodnight**

"This is a one bed, one bath renting for £900 a month." The real estate agent I've hired, Linda, says enthusiastically. "Now, it isn't fully furnished like most rented spaces, but it does come with your basic appliances. And it's below budget and in a really good neighbourhood considering the price, which is a major plus."

"Then what's wrong with it?" James asks. His jaw is set stiffly as he glances around the flat sceptically. He's been with me every step of the way on this three-week search and nothing we've looked at has lived up to his standards. I'm positive Linda has had enough of him.

"I assure you, Mr Potter, nothing could be more perfect for Lily." She smiles with extreme professionalism.

James wraps an arm around my shoulders but doesn't say anything else. We look around the tiny flat, making sure everything is, indeed, perfect. The kitchen isn't very large but it's enough for me, the same with the bedroom and bath. There's a tiny sitting area across from the kitchen that leads onto a tiny balcony with an excellent view of a tiny park with lots of trees surrounding it. With all East-facing windows, there's tons of natural light in the morning just the way I like it. I can already see myself living here.

"It is perfect, James." I say, spinning in the middle of the living room. Linda has left us alone for a few minutes for us to discuss the space without her hovering.

James frowns dubiously. "I dunno, Lils. I still think you should keep looking. I mean, how do we even know it's safe?"

"James, it's a Muggle neighbourhood."

"So it'll be a target for an attack."

"Or no one will think to look for me here. And it's the closest place to yours that we've seen!"

"That doesn't mean there isn't anything else out there."

I cross my arms over my chest. "Well, I like it here. I'm going to tell Linda I want it."

James pries my hands away from me and swings them between us. "Lily, let's not be rash."

I step closer and kiss his chin. "I'm buying this flat, James. And when all the papers are signed we can go _mattress_ shopping."

James groans in the back of his throat and I chuckle darkly. "Have I ever told you that you don't play fair?" He asks, leaning his head back.

"It's not my fault you're a slave to your hormones." I quip lightly.

We call Linda back in and I tell her the good news. The two of us share a girly squeal of excitement before she takes her leave to sort out the paperwork. James and I leave the flat and head straight to a store I'd seen that sold unique furniture in search of a bed—and some other essential items, of course.

"y'know, I'm still not a fan of you getting your own place. But I have to say, this bed makes mine feel like stone." James yawns, stretching out on the plush pillow-top.

I stretch out beside him and moan in pleasure. All the tension that was knotted in the middle of my back starts to loosen. "I know exactly what you mean." I sigh.

James rolls on his side towards me and I turn to meet him. He captures my lips in a kiss that shoots an electrical surge straight down to my toes. I shuffle closer and he wraps his arms around my waist while I tangle my hands in his hair. I part his lips with my tongue and slip it inside his mouth, running it along the inside of his bottom lip. He uses his own tongue to push mine aside and does the same to me, only with much more skill. If I wasn't already lying down, I'm sure I would've been on the floor. I hook one of my legs around his, running my calf up and down his. I kick off one shoe and press my sock clad foot under one of his pant legs. James' breath catches in his throat and I breathe mine into him. He kisses me deeper after a beat, pushing me backwards so that he's slightly on top of me. I grin against him, kneading his lip between my teeth. James groans lowly and I feel his hands grip the top of my thighs, making me embarrassingly flustered. I'm about to slip my hands underneath his shirt when—

"Ahem," A voice coughs, snapping us back to reality.

We're in a store. A not particularly _large_ store. Making out for all public to see.

Oops.

James and I untangle ourselves from each other and I scramble to put my discarded shoe back on. James and I fix our clothes and smooth our hair, blushing furiously.

"I am _so_ sorry." I apologize, feeling mortified for having been caught in such a compromising situation.

"As am I." James chokes. I can tell he wants to burst out laughing, the berk. I shoot him an angry look to tell him that now is most certainly _not_ the time to be a Marauder.

The store clerk rolls his eyes, looking rather bored as if this type of thing happens all the time. "I take it you'll be purchasing the bed." He drawls.

"Well, I—"

"No, no, not a question. You _will_ be taking the bed." He says, turning on his heel.

"Oh, right—um, yes, please."

"Will that be cash or credit?"

I run my fingers through my hair and they get caught in a knot. "Cash, please"

"One moment," The man disappears into the back.

James bursts out laughing the second he's gone. I whirl around and smack him in the stomach.

"That was _not_ funny." I seethe.

"Oh come on, Evans, that was ruddy hilarious!"

"No,"

"Come on. It was fun, too." He steps towards me and slips his arms around my waist.

"We got carried away."

"_We?_ Who was trying to undress who?"

I blush and he laughs harder. "You're insufferable. We're in _public_ for Godric's sake."

"We're the only ones in the store! If it wasn't for that perv, who knows what could've happened?"

"Exactly. Merlin…"

James leans forward and butts his forehead against mine. "Well, I rather enjoyed it."

"Oh, I know you did."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you have no shame." I state clearly, crossing my arms.

"Nope." He quips, popping his p.

"Fuck you," I growl.

"Later, okay?" He winks.

I open my mouth to scold him for such a fowl comment when the clerk comes back out from his office with papers to sign.

"I can't believe I bought a bed for a house I haven't even bought yet." I say when we arrive home at the Potter's.

"It'll be yours by tomorrow. Right in time for you to pick up that little slice of evil heaven." James answers, his eyes taking on a glassy finish as he thinks back to our little romp in the store.

Or maybe it's me that's thinking about it.

"Mm, can't wait." I sigh wistfully.

"Me neither." He wiggles his eyebrows at me and I blush brightly.

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go get ready for work."

"Work?"

"Yes, James, work. That thing I do to make money."

"Oh, right. But it's almost evening."

"I'm on call at the hospital tonight. I told you. That's why we had to go looking for flats today because I wouldn't've gotten another chance."

I start to leave when James grabs my arm.

"Will you go on a date with me this weekend?" He asks, his free hand flying to ruffle his hair nervously.

"A date?" I ask, thoroughly caught off guard.

"Yeah, y'know…like a proper one. We haven't spent any real time together just the two of us in a ages and I wanted—"

I put my finger to his lips to stop his rambling and peck it. "I would love to go on a date with you this weekend."

James grins. "Good, good."

"Just tell me when to be ready."

"Six."

"I'm there." I kiss him one last time before disappearing up the stairs.

O.o

I wake up Thursday morning with a smile on my face. Today I get the keys to my very own flat. Ever since I was a little girl, I've been dreaming about moving out and getting to live my life the way I want. A part of me hates it, my dreams coming true like this. My parents had dreams about my future, too, and it seems unfair that they don't get to experience them.

The little girl inside of me, though, is beyond ecstatic. I get up early even though I'm not meant to meet Linda until noon. I sit in the bright kitchen sipping tea with my feet up. I'm wearing ratty sweatpants and one of James' jumpers with my messy hair tied in a bun high on my head. This is my last morning living at the Potters.

I'm watching the snow falling gently through the window when I hear someone enter the kitchen behind me.

"Don't worry, Potter, this won't be our last morning together. Number one perk of having my own place, sleepovers with my boyfri—"

I turn around to see a Potter, all right, but not the one I'm dating. James' father is standing in the doorway, his expression a mixture of embarrassment and amusement.

"Good morning, Lily." He says finally.

"Mr Potter! Good morning. I, uh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were James." I blush, raising my hands to cover my face.

"It's quite alright…I was never under the impression that you and my son were not—intimate." He says, struggling for the right word. I can tell the embarrassment has dominated over his amusement, though it's still there. This man really is James' father. Willing to keep the joke alive, even at the cost of his own discomfort.

"Wh-when did you get back?" I ask.

"Last night." He answers. He sits down opposite me at the table and instantly one of the house elves appear with a steaming plate of eggs, sausage and toast and a hot cup of tea. I never understood why James called this room the kitchen when no cooking actually occurs here… the house elves do that in some other space, unvisited by me, of course. Probably right below us like at Hogwarts.

"Oh, wow. How was your mission?"

"I can't really talk about that, I'm afraid. Not that I think you're a threat. I'm bound by magic."

"Of course, I understand."

There's a lull in the conversation in which I contemplate fleeing to my room.

"So you're moving out, then?" Mr Potter asks me.

I nod. "Yes, sir. I thought it was time. I, uh, didn't want to overstay my welcome."

"Nonsense!" he exclaims, almost angrily. "That isn't even a possibility. I won't have you thinking that way. This house will always be your home, Ms Evans, I assure you that."

I nod, my cheeks colouring awkwardly.

Mr Potter sighs. "Though, I do understand. I know James is just itching to find a place of his own, too. If it wasn't for the fact that his mother passed, I'm sure he would've left with Sirius. He's such a stubborn boy, thinking I couldn't take care of myself or something. As if I need him to live here with me forever."

"Mr Potter?"

"Yup, a cottage in Godric's Hollow is where that boy's headed. The second I decide it's time to see my wife again. You'll make sure he gets there, won't you, Lily? Have him sell this ruddy old house—it's much too big and has been in his family a lot longer than it should've been."

"I'll take care of him, Mr Potter. But you're not planning on…meeting your wife any time soon, are you?"

He smiles sadly and taps my hand. "I try not to plan anything, dear. But when you come to be my age you realize that life's just not worth living unless you have someone to share it with. That and with the war, I could go any second."

I must've stiffened because he laughs loudly. "Don't you worry, now. Just enjoy your life and make sure to set aside a day for washing. Houses get messy."

I smile widely and look down. "Thank you,"

We sit together, chatting about mundane things that a girl and her boyfriend's father would. I get a refill on my tea and he sends away his plate. The weather outside changes from gently falling snow to almost a blizzard. I'm happy to be inside right now with such good company. Mr Potter really is just like James, but in a much older, wiser and comforting way. He sort of reminds me of my own father. The way he's able to talk to me as though I am a person of equal standing and not some naïve child makes me think of the way my dad and I were. He was always so understanding of me whenever I got frustrated with my sister and so accepting of who I am. Hell, he even tried helping me with my summer work, not that he was ever much help. Talking to Mr Potter makes me miss him so dearly, but at the same time, a little less.

"Oi, what's going on?" James' loud voice booms as he strides into the kitchen.

"Good morning, son." Mr Potter answers cheekily.

"Dad!" James rushes forward and envelops his father in a hug. They hold each other as if they were trying to squeeze the life out of the other.

"How are you, m'boy?"

"I'm good, great. When'd you get in?"

"Last night."

"How was it? You've been gone ages."

"I know; mission ran longer than I expected. But it's all sorted now. I was just having a nice chat with Lily, here."

James takes note of me finally, grinning down at me happily. "Morning, Lils."

"Hi," I say softly and look away. I haven't seen him since last night when I finally pried myself away from him. If it wasn't for my leaving when I did, well, who knows what could've happened…again?

Not that I didn't want to.

"I hear she's moving out. What did you do to her to drive her away?" Mr Potter asks, laughing.

He misses his son's face paling at the thought of driving me away and my heart soars at his affection. "Nothing," I supply.

"Don't go defending him, now. What did I tell you about never letting this one get away?"

"Dad, can we not right now?" James hisses through gritted teeth.

Mr Potter and I laugh, me a little faker. Red creeps up James' neck as he sits down and waits for Spinet to appear with a plate of food.

I reach over and take his hand. "I have to meet Linda at twelve to pick up my keys." I tell him.

"Twelve? But it's already eleven thirty." He says, taking my cup of tea and slurping it loudly.

"Shit!" I yelp. I jump up and bolt out of the room before remembering—I pop my head back in. "You better be ready in 25 minutes or I'm going without you."

I disappear again, but not before I hear something that gives me shivers: James' dad laughs, "It's like you're already married."

O.o

The first thing I do when Linda leaves James and I in my new flat is lay down on the bare hardwood floor and laugh. The second is put up protection spells that prevent anyone from apparating into or out of the flat. The third is kissing my boyfriend on the mouth.

"So I guess it's official." He sighs, breaking away from me.

"Yup,"

"I suppose this means you want to start moving your furniture in."

I frown. "What furniture? Besides that bed we bought yesterday, I don't have anything."

"Oh, right." He says, ruffling the back of his head. "Um…so what do we do now?"

I turn to him mischievously. "Shopping!"

It's not nearly as fun as it would've been had Hestia been here. She and I used to talk about furniture shopping all the time. How our flats would look when we finally moved out on our own. I wanted to line my walls with bookshelves and paintings. I wanted to have fancy rugs and funky trinkets. I wanted fairy lights and candles. But that was a sixteen-year-old girl's fantasy. Shopping for an actual house is difficult and requires practicality—a skill I'm happy to have honed.

By the time I've gotten all the basics, my bank account has dwindled quite significantly.

"Yikes." I mutter when I realize how expensive everything is. It won't be for a while before I decorate.

"Moving out doesn't seem so great anymore, does it?" James chuckles smugly.

"Don't be silly, it's just a bit of a reality check, that's all. I'm still perfectly content with my decision."

"Who're you trying to convince of that?"

"Shut up, Potter. Every dream house takes a bit of time."

"Well it's _time_ we head back. Your mattress will be arriving soon." James says.

We finish setting up the place with everything we bought in time for the buzzer to sound indicating the arrival of our showstopper. The delivery men place the bed in my otherwise empty room and it lands with a beautiful thud on the hardwood floor, sending up a cloud of dust. One of the men holds out his hand to James before he leaves and confused, James slaps it in a hi-five.

"Thanks, man." He says cheerfully.

The man rolls his eyes and stomps away. "Bloody cheap wanker." He mutters.

I laugh at James' mistake and hug him around the middle.

"I have a bed." I say into his jumper.

"I know."

"We should…make sure it's okay, right? Like, so that we know it's not defective." I say, playing with a loose thread at his shoulder.

"Just to be safe, of course." He agrees nonchalantly.

"Right…safe." I whisper tilting my head up.

"Safe…" He gulps, bringing his lips close to mine. He exhales slowly and his breath mingles with mine alluringly.

"Are you going to kiss me or not?" I ask, my voice low.

James' lips crash down on mine and his hands latch onto my hips. I squeak sharply and kiss him back, already pulling his shirt over his head. I throw it somewhere into the kitchen and he walks us backwards into my bedroom. We fall onto my bed; me crushed painfully below him—not that I'm complaining. I scrape my nails down his back and he fidgets satisfyingly.

I hear a _pop_ and realize it's the button on my blouse flying across the room and hitting the window with a _clink_. There are a few more sounds of the same variety before James shucks off my shirt, balls it up and tosses it into the laundry bin we just bought. Right where it belongs. He wastes no time getting me to the same state of undress as he is, all the while kissing me without pause.

He kisses down my neck, across my collarbone and back up. His hands slide over my body, pausing in places that make me blush. I cling to him with all my might and do all I can to encourage his actions. I thread my fingers through his hair and hold his head steady as I kiss his lips. He groans lowly and it stirs something inside of me.

My hands trail downwards until they find his belt buckle. "James?" I ask, seeking his permission.

"Hm?" He mumbles.

"Can I?"

James flips us suddenly so that I'm sitting on his upper thighs and leaning over him. "Does it look like I'm protesting?" He asks wryly.

"Just checking." I smile before pulling the clasp back.

O.o

I'm in the kitchen making a pot of tea wearing only James' shirt. I'd slipped it on when I found it lying crumpled where it fell and it reaches long enough to cover my arse and a small strip of thigh. My hair is messy and parts of my body are still sore. I feel good, though, unstoppable.

James enters the kitchen, pulling up the zipper on his jeans. Without his belt, they hang low on his hips and show the definition of his muscles dipping below. I sigh contentedly as he walks behind me. I gasp when I feel his hands slip under the hem of my shirt.

"That's mine, you know." He says, referring the only thing I'm wearing.

"Details."

"Can I have it back?"

"What's the magic wo-rd?" I sing-song.

"_Accio?_" James asks with a grin, knowing that if he had his wand on him, he'd have it back in a flash.

"It's _please_, you dolt." I laugh.

"Muggle thing, must be." He waves it away. Must be, indeed. Politeness and manners aren't magic in the Wizarding World.

"Well, you're still not getting it back. You ruined my shirt, remember? And I haven't gotten my clothes from your place yet."

"Right, how're we going to do that with only one shirt?" he asks, taking the cup of tea I offer him.

"I'm sure we'll find a way." We go back into my bedroom and sit cross-legged on the bed.

"What do you want to do?" James asks.

I take a large slurp of tea. A bit of it splashes down my chin and I use James' sleeve to pat it dry. I shrug, "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

James eyes me. "Well besides that, I don't know." He laughs and leans his back against the wall with his legs stretched in front of him. I move to sit in front of him.

"I love this." I say, playing with the frayed ends of his pant legs.

"I love you."

I smile shyly. "Your dad told me something interesting this morning."

"What's that?"

"That you want to move to a cottage in Godric's Hollow."

James frowns. "That was when I was a kid…I can't believe he remembers that."

"So you don't want to anymore?" I ask.

He shrugs noncommittally. "I like where I live. I grew up there, y'know, all my memories are there."

"So tell me why you wanted to move there when you were a kid." I say.

James chews his lip for a moment, staring off into space. I could almost see it playing out like a movie in his mind, the life he had planned for himself.

"I visited there when I was maybe eight or nine with my mum. We went to see Bathilda Bagshot—a friend of my mum's. There was just something about that place, I don't know. I mean, it's a Muggle town but there's so much Wizarding history there, too. Bathilda's house was so small compared to ours but it was so comforting. Like, it wraps you up tightly and never lets you go. I wanted that when I grew up. I wanted to live in a place where love surrounds you. I always pictured myself living in Aunt Hilda's house with my own family one day. My wife—" he glances over at me shyly. "—and my kids. There would be a room for the lads to stay whenever they needed a place and there would always be a fire burning in the fireplace—heatless flames in the summer, of course."

"Sounds lovely." I comment.

"Yeah…there's even a forest beyond the cemetery where the lads and I could go every full moon. It was so perfect."

"So what changed?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"Why isn't that what you want anymore?"

"I never said that."

"No?"

"No, I said—" James' face falls and I cover his hand with mine.

"Y'know what else your father told me?" I ask him. He shakes his head. "He said for me to make sure you get there one day. And I told him I would."

"You shouldn't be having those kinds of conversations with my father, Lily." He says angrily, but he doesn't sound very angry.

"What're you gonna do about it?"

James sighs. "That was a long time ago, I've grown up."

"Bullshit." I say with a smile.

"Are you insinuating that I haven't grown up?"

"No, that's not what I'm insinuating. I'm merely trying to point out the fact that you keep avoiding the fact that living in Godric's Hollow is still your dream and I want to know why."

"Things have just changed, that's all."

"I want to know what's changed that makes you moving to your childhood dream house so absurd." I press.

"My mum dying!" He blurts angrily. I see the regret flash across his face the second he says it and I suddenly feel really bad for pushing the subject.

"Oh."

James hangs his head and ruffles his hair sadly. "Yeah,"

"James, I'm really sorry." I apologize awkwardly.

He waves away my apology with his free hand and takes a large gulp of tea. "It's fine. You're right; I was being a stubborn bastard. Godric's Hollow was always my mum and my place. She used to take me there when my dad was away on missions and we'd have adventures of our own. When my mum got sick we stopped going and I never had enough sense to stop prattling on about it. I thought maybe when she was better we could go back. But she never got better and when she died, it was like Godric's Hollow and all it's infinite possibilities died with her."

I didn't know James' mum died of a sickness. I want to know more about it but I know enough not to ask him about it now.

"James, I'm so sorry." I take his free hand and hold it firmly in my own.

He gives me a half smile. "Y'know, Lily, I really love you."

"I know it."

James barks a short laugh. "You always make me talk about things I don't want to talk about and I always end up feeling better after."

I don't know what to say to that so I don't say anything at all. Instead, I place my half-cup of tea on the floor beside the bed—it's cold now anyway. I stretch out beside him, resting my head on his shoulder and wrap my arm around his waist.

James drains his cup and places it next to mine before snuggling into me. I trace my finger on his side, dipping my fingers into the ridges on his stomach and he tickles patters into my thigh. I sigh, feeling full of happiness and love. When did I become the girl who deserved this? When did I become the girl who could have everything she ever wanted?

"James," I whisper shortly after sunset. "Wake up."

"Wassgonon?" He startles when I poke him.

"We fell asleep." I whisper even though we're the only people here.

James groans and flings an arm over his forehead. "This bed is far too comfortable to be healthy." He states.

I sit up and allow him to peel himself off the wall. He stretches and I hear the disgusting _crack_ of his back. He stands and I scramble to meet him.

"I should go," He says, yawning.

"Yeah… But what about my clothes?" I say. My jeans are crumpled on the floor beneath the window and my shirt lies uselessly in the bin. I look down at James' shirt and back up at him to see him ogling me the same way he used to when we were fifteen.

"Looks like I'll be needing that back." He says coming towards me.

"No, no, no!" I scramble back. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Relax, Lils, I'll go back to my place, grab your clothes and come straight back." He goes into the kitchen and rifles through the bags we left on the counter. "Here—" he hands me one of the towels I bought on sale that matches the colour of the bathroom. "Wear this until I come back."

I frown. "Okay…" I take the towel from him and turn away. "But don't look at me."

"What? It's nothing I haven't seen befo—"

"Say something insensitive and you'll never see it again." I threaten.

James keeps quiet and I shed his shirt before quickly covering myself in the towel.

"I saw your bum." James giggles when I turn around.

"Get out and hurry back." I say sweetly. I stand on my toes and kiss his bottom lip.

James gives me a two-fingered salute and then he's gone. Alone in this place, I feel both sad and liberated at the same time. Hell, I can walk around naked if I wanted to! But I don't. Instead, I head to the bathroom to take a shower. The good thing about it is that I don't have to change. After I'm finished wiping the day away from me, I settle onto my bed wrapped in my plush towel and busy myself imagining what this place will look like when I'm all settled in. I've moved on from fairy lights and on to more practical things like lamps.

I must've fallen asleep again because I wake up to the sound of tapping on my window. Figuring it's an owl; I contemplate leaving it out there. But the tapping persists, forcing me to heave myself up and stomp moodily to the window. The moon has risen high into the sky and I wonder what time it is. The gurgling in my stomach tells me it's well past supper.

But the infuriating disturbance is not from an owl, but from my boyfriend. James hovers outside on his broom, a box hanging from a string below him.

_Open up!_ He mouths.

I push the glass open and he swoops in. The box hits against the side of the building and we work together to pull it inside before shutting the window tightly.

"Hey," James kisses me.

"Hey, what took you so long?"

"My dad made me eat with him and he wouldn't leave. But I got 'em," he gestures to the box.

"Didn't you explain that it was urgent?"

James rolls his eyes. "I couldn't tell my dad I left you here naked. I tried to get back as soon as I could. I've only been gone three or four hours."

"It's fine, you're here now." I open the box and rifle through it until I find a pair of flannel pyjama bottoms and my "Potter" jumper. "Merlin, it's freezing out there." I comment, hurrying to the bathroom where I can change. I slip on my clothes as fast as I can and emerge to find James making himself comfortable on my bed. "Why did you fly here?"

He shrugs. "Felt more romantic. I see you made the bed."

Right before I fell asleep I'd managed to cover the mattress in a fitted sheet and spread a patchwork quilt I'd bought overtop and lay down freshly cased pillows.

"I'm so domestic now." I tease.

"I know, it's sexy."

I blush. "Thanks."

My stomach chooses this excellent moment to make itself present.

"Oops, nothing sexy about that." I say, trying to make light of the situation for the sake of my dignity.

James laughs. "Did someone forget to feed themselves again?" I pout and nod. "How about we order pizza? That's something Muggles do, right? They have some system for it?"

"Yeah, but I can't eat a whole one by myself. I mean… I could order a small and save the rest for later."

"Um, excuse me, I'm right here."

"Didn't you just eat?"

James deadpans. "I'm an eighteen year old boy, Lils."

"Right, no further explanation needed." I clap. "But I don't have a telephone."

"Tell you what, since you're already in your pyjamas, _I'll_ fly out and get us something."

I regard him through narrowed eyes. "You expect me to trust you to go out into Muggle society alone?"

"Yes," He answers, offended. "I can participate in Muggle exchanges, okay? I'm very savvy."

I try not to laugh, but his expression of determination is far too hilarious. "Okay, James, have at it."

"I'll be back in no time." He says. James kisses my cheek and hops out of the window.

I sigh and decide to busy myself by filling my closet with all of my clothes. Next, I write out a list of things I'll need to get tomorrow. Groceries are at the top of that list.

By the time I've written down the last item on my list, James is back, tapping at my window. I let him in and in his hand he holds a steaming box of pizza. Ah, paradise.

"Food!" I exclaim happily, my stomach agreeing.

James flips open the lid to reveal and extra large, extra cheese, green peppers, mushroom and pineapple pizza.

"Oh my sweet baby Merlin." I praise, taking it from him and heading straight to the kitchen. I take down plates from the cupboard and dole out the slices. I had no idea how hungry I was.

"Glad it pleases, milady." James says, bowing.

"Yes, thank you, sir." I quip in a fake posh accent.

James pulls his plate towards him and I pull mine towards me and we eat leaning over the counter. The melted cheese makes strings as I bite into it that stretch as long as my arm can reach. James steals my picked off mushrooms and pops them into his mouth one by one to my chagrin. We laugh a lot as we eat, seemingly for no apparent reason.

"It's, like, midnight." James says after our fourth slice each. There are still four left.

"Seriously?" I groan. My stomach is so full, but I can't seem to stop. I know at this rate I won't be getting to sleep until at least three when I've finally digested.

"Are you going home?" I ask him.

"I don't know…" He answers and I know my face has visibly fallen. I thought we could christen my first day in my new home together. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Only if you want to," I shrug.

"I want to if you want me to."

I glance up at him unimpressed. "Are we really having this debate?"

James grins. "Don't all couples?"

I groan. "Oh Godric, please tell me we haven't become one of _those_ couples." I laugh.

"Can we be one of those couples who can eat an entire extra large pizza?"

I regard him with one eye closed. "Let's do it."

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello! I sincerely hoped you all liked chapter 20. This one was pure fluff, I realize, but hopefully that makes up for last chapter's lack thereof. Although difficult, I did like writing this one. It was a lot of fun. Anyway, let me know what you guys thought. Seriously, you guys are so sweet and I love you all so much. Thanks for all your support! Ta!  
_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: April, 29._


	22. Kiss me hard before you go

**Chapter Twenty-One: Kiss me hard before you go**

It's weird living on my own. Bottoms, for one, are almost completely non-existent—and bras, bras aren't worn. It's nice having my own space where I can fill the rooms with things that are important to me. Not that I've filled them much at all, I've only been living here a day. But the potential is there. On the other hand, I've never lived by myself before. It's a tough adjustment, but I'm making it work.

I wanted James to stay with me again last night, but he insisted on going home. I guess now that we're no longer living together, spending nights together aren't really a plausible solution for our busy schedules.

But we do have our date tonight!

I'm working at the hospital until five and then I can finally find out what James has planned for us. During my lunch break I decide to go into a local deli around the corner. They have excellent meatball mozzarella sandwiches there. I open the door and catch sight of something that stops me dead in my tracks.

Sitting at a table with three other women is my sister, a big 'ol smile plastered across her face.

Petunia looks so happy sitting amongst her friends, oblivious to me standing mere feet away. She cut her hair so that it rests just below her bony shoulders. There are fresh highlights woven in between her platinum blonde hair that reflects the fluorescent lighting inside the shop. She's wearing red lipstick; something our mother always wore after she got married. She always said a married woman should have red lips. I guess Tuney remembers that, too. She's still as thin as ever.

Godric, I miss her.

I mean, I don't miss her constant insults and our on going war. But I miss having her there. As much as she's always hated me, she's never left me before. And now it's been almost a year since I last spoke to her. Has it honestly been that long?

She's my sister, for Merlin's sake.

My heart beating wildly, I slam the door closed and walk away, the bell tinkling with the force. I walk head down until I'm a safe distance away. It was good I didn't let her see me, I try to convince myself, that would've been disastrous. I find myself in a tiny park with a slide, swings and monkey bars. There are two mothers bundled on one of the benches and in the field their four children are building snowmen and creating snow angles. Two of them appear to be sisters and they have their arms wrapped around each other, pink on their cheeks.

I flop onto an empty bench and shove my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket. My stomach growls and I ignore it. I wish it didn't have to be this way, I wish I could've strode into that shop, ordered my sandwich, sat at a table and went about my business as if she didn't matter. But she _does_ matter and it pains me to know that I might've missed my opportunity to find out if I mattered at all to her, too.

I think back to her lipstick smile and how completely at ease she was sitting with her friends. It was as if her freak sister never existed at all.

_Why does it have to be about you_?

Because what else could it be about? How could I not take it personally?

I wander through the park for the rest of my lunch hour, not really seeing anything. I grab a coffee and muffin from the cafeteria and restart my shift. All thoughts of my sister are banished from my mind—at least, I try to. But my heart still beats wildly when I think of the very second I laid eyes on her again and continues to as I wonder if I'll ever catch another glimpse.

O.o

I'm just slipping my feet into black pumps when the lobby buzzer sounds letting me know that James has arrived. I press the button to let him in and wait as he rides the elevator to my floor. I wonder why he didn't just apparate outside my door but I chalk it up to either nerves or wanting to create a romantic vibe.

I open the door to see him wearing a goofy expression. "Hi," I say softly.

James produces a bouquet of flowers from behind his back and presents them to me. "Hi,"

I smile and take them from him, inhaling the sweet scent of tulips—my favourite. "Thank you," I gush. I turn back into the kitchen to put them in water right away. "You look nice, by the way." I compliment. He's wearing black jeans, a grey dress shirt and his winter coat overtop.

"So do you, Lils," James says. I giggle, knowing he's admiring the view of my red silk blouse and black pencil skirt. I thought I'd dress it up for him. "But you're gonna have to change those shoes. Not to mention it's bloody _freezing_ out there. Not that I don't absolutely adore what you're wearing—it's just that it's cold."

My face falls as I arrange the flowers in a vase. "You think I should change?"

James slides up behind me and buries his face in the back of my head. "Not change, just wear something else."

I sigh. "Why don't _you_ pick out what I should wear?"

James grins against my skin. "Happily. But then we'd have to stay in tonight." He chuckles darkly and I can only imagine what horribly weather inappropriate outfit he's thinking about.

"Okay, give me a mo." I say, turning in his arms.

"In a mo," He kisses me properly, lacing his fingers together behind my back. I place my hands on his chest and play with the zipper on his jacket. "There," he says, letting go of me. I blink dazedly before turning towards my room.

What to wear, what to wear?

I settle for my best pair of jeans and keep the silk top. I drop my hair from its clip so that it falls in waves down my back and tie a gold scarf around my neck before slipping on my coat. I change my shoes to long boots that reach half way up my calves before deciding I'm decent.

James groans when I emerge.

"What now?" I ask, placing my hands on my hips.

"I still want to stay in with you."

I laugh and slap his chest playfully. "Later, Potter. Right now, you have a date to take me on."

"Right you are, Evans." James opens the door for me and then follows me out. But instead of going down the elevator, he takes my hand an apparates us onto a deserted alley.

"Where are we?" I ask, clutching his arm for support.

Instead of answering, James brings me out onto the main street and shows me a spectacular view of the London Eye, all lit up and gorgeous.

"Whoa," I mutter.

"Come on," he grabs my hand and we walk brusquely to the base of the giant wheel.

"Are we going up there?" I ask, awe clear in my voice.

James grins down at me. "Potter," He says to the man in the ticket booth.

"Oh Mr Potter!" the man exclaims. "Good evening, sir. And this must be the lovely and very _lucky_ woman—"

"Is our capsule ready?" James interrupts him. I can feel his annoyance at the poor man spiking and I have to supress a giggle.

"Yes, sir, right away, sir." He bows, gesturing towards one of the capsules touching down. The door opens and James holds out his hand to help me in.

"Thanks," James says, flipping him a folded up note of an amount I can't tell. It must've been good because the man bows again and utters a few more thank you sirs and enjoy yourselves.

In the middle of the capsule is a table laden with two plates and two entrées covered by silver lids. There's a bottle of Krug in an ice bucket and two flutes beside it. I gasp a little, taking it all in.

The door snaps closed behind us and I jump a little when I feel James hands on my waist.

"I'm not dressed for this." I say, taking in the bottle of Krug again.

James laughs. "Relax, Lils." He pulls out my chair and I sit down heavily. He sits opposite me and smiles. "You look like you've just swallowed a vomit flavoured Bertie Bott's."

"James this is _expensive_. And I'm in _jeans_." I hiss. I unzip my coat and hand it over the back of my chair.

"So what? You look beautiful. Besides, there's no one else here." He says, doing the same. "Can we eat now? I'm starving."

I bite my lip. "What're we having?"

James grins and lifts the lids to reveal an impressive looking preparation of lemon peppercorn chicken and quinoa salad. I lick my lips and James beams happily.

"Looks delicious." I state.

"Bubbly?" James asks, lifting the bottle of champagne.

"Yes, please."

He pours us each a glass. "To us," he says, raising his flute in a toast.

"I love you!" I declare.

We tuck in and might I say it's delicious. We don't say anything for the first little bit, preferring to enjoy the food on our plates and the spectacular view of London in all its glory. The lights of buildings are dotted in thick clusters around the city and the streets are slick with slush, reflecting the silhouettes of pedestrians walking past down below. As we peak, my breath catches in my throat. It feels like I can see all the way to Hogwarts from here.

"James," I say shaking my head and placing my fork down gently across my half empty plate. "I can't even begin to describe how—this is wonderful."

James ruffles his hair and grins. "You really like it?"

"Yes, of course!" I breathe. "I mean, look at that view. It's like something out of a dream."

He blushes and pushes the few scraps of quinoa left around in his plate. "I just wanted to do something nice for you,"

I laugh. "Why, what's the occasion?"

"No occasion."

"Oh really? So you just decided to drop a £1000 on a date for no reason? I do know how much these things cost, James."

"The reason is that I love you."

I laugh again and reach over to take his hand. "No one loves anyone this much. Don't you know by now you can't keep anything from me?"

James frowns with a crinkle in his forehead. "I love you this much." He says with a cute pout.

"Nice try, spill."

James scoffs. "Can't I just—"

"James," I warn.

"Lily,"

I let go of his hand. "Fine, I'm sorry. I won't push." I yield, raising my palms in surrender.

"You think way too much."

I regard him curiously. "Maybe."

"Just say 'Thank you, James, I love it' and be done with it."

"Thank you, James, I love it." I mimic.

James grins. "Good, cause it's far from over."

"Don't tell me you booked a private audience with the Queen, too." I sigh sarcastically.

James scratches his head confusedly. "You can do that?"

"I don't know!" I laugh.

"I've got to find out now, haven't I? That'll make an excellent date activity." He murmurs.

I gape at him, a slight smile on my face. "Please tell me you're joking." James winks and I sigh in relief. "You'd probably do it just to see how I'd react." I accuse lightly.

"Would that really be so bad?"

I think about what it would be like to meet the Queen. "As long as you don't make me wear jeans, I'm sure I would enjoy it."

We laugh, mine a little more giggly. We're on our decent now and I feel my stomach drop, not from our lack of altitude, but from the notion of the evening ending.

"How many rotations do we have?" I ask him.

"Three, why?"

I bite my lip. We're still in our first half hour meaning there's still an hour left.

"No reason… So you said you have more planned?" I ask. James' plate is empty now and mine only has a few bites left.

"To be honest, I didn't think it would take us this quick to eat." He admits sheepishly.

"You didn't know that it takes you approximately 5 minutes to put away a whole chicken breast and some fancy grain? By the way, nice job on the protein." I deadpan.

"I didn't know what quinoa was! The stupid man tricked me."

I laugh boisterously at his expression and thinking of how some foolhardy man duped my boyfriend into an expensive—albeit delicious—meal.

"Didn't you like it?"

"I loved it." I say automatically. I look out the window again and sigh. "I love it." I correct.

James smiles, obviously pleased with himself. There's a gleam in his hazel eyes that reminds me of the kid at Hogwarts that used to give me nightmares. "Hey, wanna do something fun?"

We spend the rest of the hour casting spells on innocent passers by in miniscule prank-like packages that leave us in fits of side stitching laughter. We cause scarves to whip around and cover their eyes and, my personal favourite, make people slide around the ice in dramatic fashions before setting them steady again. The confused look on their faces is always priceless when they accomplish the improbable task of keeping upright.

"That was a blast!" I exclaim, breathless as we exit the capsule. "In a wicked sort of way."

James slings an arm around my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. "Come on,"

"Where're we going?" I inquire gleefully.

"This way," He leads me towards a makeshift ticket booth.

The sign at the top read, "Miracle Frost Fair" and had elaborate drawings of snowflakes surrounding it. I remember my grandmum talking about the River Thames frost fair from stories she heard from her grandmum when she was a girl, but it hasn't been held since 1831. I look out onto the river and, indeed, see people whizzing by on skates. Lovers are holding hands, parents are clutching babies, and groups of friends are falling over. How did I miss this before when we were on the Eye?

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Nothing…" James trails mysteriously.

"How is this _possible_?" I mutter, stupefied.

"Magic." James whispers in my ear.

I turn under his arm to look at him, my eyes bright. "_You_ froze the _river_?" I demand to know loudly. A pair of women behind us eyes us suspiciously.

"Now, Lily, even I couldn't do that." James laughs.

"Oh my Godric, you did! How did you do it? Weather charms are inconceivable even for the most _professionally_ trained Wizards!"

"Don't worry about it, come on."

He takes my hand and buys our tickets. We rent skates at the tiny kiosk and soon we're sliding around the ice, our arms swinging connected between us. I'm better than James at skating, which pleases me to no end. He keeps tripping over his toe pick and I have to struggle not to fall with him.

"You're complete rubbish at this." I laugh after he's able to pick himself up for the fifth time.

"Bloody skating. Why the fuck did I think this would be a good idea?" He grumbles.

I do a twirl and push ahead so that I'm skating backwards in front of him. "Stick to flying, Potter."

"I fully intend to."

We do one more lap before I see a vendor at the side of the river selling hot chocolate. I skate towards him, James trailing behind. I stop abruptly, shaving a bit of ice so that it sprays along the edge.

"Impressive." James mutters behind me.

I grin cheekily and order two large peppermint hot chocolates. It tastes like Christmas.

We sip our drinks as we skate leisurely down the Thames. There are strings of lights hanging from surrounding trees and there's a band playing Christmas carols. Everything feels so wonderful, so _perfect,_ in this moment.

"Having a good time?" James asks, having skated back from where he was throwing away our empty cups.

"The best."

"Good. Can we get off these death traps now?" He pleads. I laugh and nod, taking his hand and pulling him towards the exit.

Once we're rid of our skates we start walking along the river. James takes my left hand in his right and wraps his arm so that he's holding my hand over my shoulder. I snuggle into his side and breathe deeply. I sincerely believe that nothing could be more perfect than this moment.

We walk further and soon find a small patch of park surrounded by a thick covering of trees. I wonder why no one else is here, but realize they must all be at the Miracle Frost Fair.

James lets go of me and I move into the centre of the field. I spread my arms out wide and raise my face to the sky, feeling the snow fall and land across my nose, mouth and eyes. I'm about to turn around to tell James to join me when a snowball comes flying towards my face.

I wipe the snow away and glare at James. "You _prat_!" I yell.

James' booming laugh echoes around us as he dives for cover behind a tree. Oh, it's on. I start gathering my ammo and pelt them in quick succession at his retreating form. We go back and forth, sometimes hitting our target but mostly not. I'm laughing so hard, I can't tell if I have tears in my eyes or melted snow. James comes out into the open and we throw clod after clod until both of us are exhausted.

In a final burst of energy, James rushes towards me and tackles me to the ground. We roll a few times until we stop with him lying over me. He looks down, one hand on my waist and the other in my hair. Slowly, he moves the tangled mess behind my ear and brushes his glove-clad fingers over my cheek. My eyes flutter closed and my heart pounds fervently in my chest. James closes the gap and kisses me with gusto, shoving his tongue inside my mouth with such purpose it's as if all of life is depending on it.

I kiss him back with as much enthusiasm, believing that life just might depend on this one kiss. My hands twist into his hair and my nails scrape his scalp bringing him closer. We break away panting and he rolls off of me, but not very far. The sides of our bodies are pressed together and our hands are clasped on James' stomach.

"This is the best date ever." I announce my verdict between gasps of air.

James heaves a heavy sigh. "It was all right."

I nudge his shoulder with mine playfully. "Thanks for making my anniversary of becoming single so special."

"Wh-what?" James stutters.

I laugh. "You seriously didn't think I'd figure it out? That today is the day I found out about Finlay and Snape and all their lies?" I laugh again, humourlessly. "That today was the day I realized how much I love you?"

"Are you mad?"

"Mad? Yes… I think I must be to love such a nutter." I answer. "But not angry."

James barks a laugh and kisses my hand. "You're hilarious, you know that? And you make me happy."

My face flushes and I'm thankful for the snow falling that cools them down. "I—I'm so thankful for the events that happened on this day last year. And I'm even more thankful for everything that's happened today…"

I think back to this afternoon when I saw my sister at the deli. I remember her smile, her laugh, the way her hair looked. I remember everything about those few seconds and before I know it, a stream of tears flows down my face.

"Hey, Lils, what's wrong?" Concern colours his voice as he takes note of my crying.

"I saw my sister today. Sh-she looked so happy and so _well_. And I don't know, it just hit me how different our lives are now than they were last year. I mean, you and I are _dating_. She's _married_. Our parents are _dead._ I'm so happy and it just feels like I don't deserve to be. Where are those girls who used to have snowball fights in their backyard at Christmas while their dad was stringing lights on the roof and their mum was making dinner, calling for them to come inside and wash up? So much has changed and it breaks my heart to know that it'll never be the same. But James, I'm so much happier now than I ever was back then and I wouldn't go back even if I could. This, here, with you. This is what I want." I collapse into his arms, pressing my face against his neck.

James holds me against him as if he's afraid of letting go and I hold him back all the same.

"I love you, Lily Evans. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I'm prepared to give that to you."

O.o

Ever since my first, James and I have come to an understanding that the missions we volunteer for are not to be overnight. Neither of us could bare the kind of terror it would cause if someone were to go wrong on while the other was away. And of course, we couldn't go together because having each other there would be far too distracting. So the agreement was that we would do anything we could to help the Order as long as it didn't last longer than a 24 hour period.

So then why am I standing in James' room watching as he stuffs balled up clothes into a rucksack?

Because he suckered me into it, that's why.

It's two days until Christmas and James decided yesterday would be a good time to let me know of a dangerous mission he, the lads, and a few other Aurors are going on. Dumbledore, it seems, has no problem _telling_ James where to go instead of _asking_. Not that James would refuse. Still, the assignment, as James calls it, requires his duelling skills and I am under no authority to veto his actions.

"Will you be back in time for Christmas?" I ask one last time. For some reason I never get a straight answer from him.

"I'll try to make it back."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

James sighs and turns around. He takes my hands in his and holds them to his chest. "The mission is supposed to last until New Years. But I'll try my _best_ to sneak away for a couple hours Christmas day to see you open my present. I know you're gonna love it."

I pout a little. "Okay."

I already agreed to letting him go but a large part of me wishes there was some way I could forbid him from leaving without him hating me. I've come to accept that the Order to him is like being a Healer to me. It's his job. I might play at it in my spare time and as passionate as I am when I find the time, James puts in the effort always. I always knew he was going to do something dangerous with his life—he _was_ studying to be an Auror. And after all, he _is_ James Potter.

"Give me a kiss," he says with a smile. "I've gotta get going."

I place my palms flat against his chest and press my lips firmly against his.

"Be safe." I mumble against them.

"I will. I promise." He answers. James nibbles my bottom lip before releasing me.

"Where're you meeting the lads?" I ask crossing my arms.

"Headquarters. We need to meet up with the others and speak with Dumbledore before we leave."

I walk with James to the front door so that we can leave at the same time. We bundle up in our coats and I bend down to slip on my boots.

"Ouch!" I exclaim, clutching my middle tightly.

"What's wrong?" James asks, concern flooding his tone. He places a hand on my bent over back and rubs.

"I, um, I dunno." I rub my tummy and feel a surge of some strange emotion rushing through me. Oh no—not that, not now. Mood swings and cramps are not something I need on top of everything else. I'm already going to be anxious enough with James away.

"Is it your, um—time?" James asks, his hand springing off of me.

I laugh a little. "Probably. Bet you're happy to be going now."

"Of course not!" James denies teasingly.

James knows as well as I do that I can be worse than Remus when it's that time of month. Many a time have I snapped at him when he didn't deserve it. Not that I don't do that when I'm not hormonal… Maybe he did just dodge a bullet. But the question is, can he dodge a curse?

"Go on, I'll be fine." I assure him with my brightest smile plastered on my face.

"Okay." We make our way down the drive. "Kiss."

He pecks me lightly on the lips and apparates once outside the gates. I apparate as well, but to a Wizard pub in Camden. I'm meeting Greta Lightbody for a drink. We've gone on a few day missions together and the two of us have developed a friendship. Much needed on my part. It's not that I'm trying to replace Hestia; it's just nice to have a girl to talk to about things.

"Hey!" Greta greets when I arrive. The bell on the door tinkles as I enter and she stands to wave me to her table.

"Hi!" I say, weaving my way towards her. There are two Butterbeers on the table and she pushes one towards me.

"Thanks," I say taking off my coat.

"Did James leave yet?" She asks after pleasantries are exchanged.

"Yeah, he went to headquarters to meet up with the rest of them."

Greta makes a face. "Uh, when Benjy told me about the mission I almost had a heart attack. It's supposed to be really dangerous."

I bite my cheek. "I know, I'm worried about James. But I know he'll be fine." I rub my stomach again feeling antsy.

"If something happens to Ben, there'll be hell to pay." She laughs.

"Say, Greta, what's the deal with you and Benjy?" I ask coyly.

She blushes slightly and pushes her sleek black hair behind her ears. "Nothing, we're just best friends."

"Really?" I ask dubiously.

"Oh come on, we weren't that much older than you at Hogwarts." She defends. "You know how it was with us."

"I remember you guys at school. You both became Prefects when I was in second year and you guys were always flirting."

"We didn't flirt!"

"I'm sorry, but I became a Prefect, too, _and_ Head Girl and never in my three years of duty has anyone ever asked to be partners with someone from a different House."

"Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors can't be friends?"

I narrow my eyes at her. "I'm just saying, I've never seen it before."

"Yeah well, Benjy saved me that first day on the train when we were eleven. It didn't matter what House we were in or the fact that I was Muggleborn and he's wasn't. We always found a way to stick together." She explains. There's a faraway look in her eyes that tells me she's back in the Great Hall, sitting with Ben at the Gryffindor table despite the strange looks they received.

"That's really sweet." I smile.

"Yeah, I've always been a sister to him."

"And what is he to you?" I ask, pointing the neck of my bottle at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you like him?" I clarify.

"Of course I—"

"I don't mean it like that and you know it. Do you have feelings for him?"

Greta's face falls slightly. I can tell she's visiting Hogwarts again in a montage of significant moments that have lead her to be sitting here with me having this conversation. I watch as her eyebrows crinkle in concentration. She's probably imagining the first time she saw him, the first time he brushed the hair from her face, the first time he made her laugh while she was crying. She can probably still hear the tap on her window during that first summer apart when he sent her the letter that let her know their friendship was real. She can remember the look on his face when he spilled all his secrets late at night while they were patrolling the empty corridors. She can feel the hug he gave her on their graduation day, the way his arms surrounded her, when she realized that Hogwarts _wasn't_ forever, but they were. She sees it all—

"No, I don't think I do." Greta answers finally.

It's my face's turn to fall. I gape at her like a fish out of water, struggling to understand. I was so sure there was something there between them.

"But-but what about—And I was so sure—And how could you—"

Greta laughs at my confusion. "Benjy's my best friend. And I love him like crazy, but not in that way. I mean, I've never had a brother so I don't know how I would love him like one. I just know that I care about him most in the entire world. But I don't want to _be_ with him. It's complicated."

I exhale in a rush. "Merlin, and I had this extravagant love story made up in my head for you two and everything."

Greta belly laughs. She picks up her drink and takes a pull but ends up sputtering in the middle of it from laughing again. "You're hilarious, Evans."

"Are you happy with your life?" I ask her.

"Yeah, completely." She answers right away.

"Do you think we're doing the right thing by fighting?" I ask, speaking as a Muggleborn to Muggleborn.

"I honestly do. Maybe it's not easy and we have to make a lot of sacrifices. But I do believe that what we're doing is important. People deserve the right to live in a world where prejudice doesn't exist. You-Know-Who isn't gonna wake up one day and decide that he loves Muggles and their Magical children, y'know? It's up to us to stop him."

I nod with her. "I agree,"

"Are you having doubts?" She asks me.

"No, it's not that. I just want to know that what we're doing isn't futile. That we can make a difference."

"Well, Lily, I got a T in Divination. But I can tell you that it can't hurt to try."

"It hurts the people who die and their families."

Greta frowns. "Yeah, that's true. But can you imagine how much worse it would be if we all just sat on our arses and did nothing? People are gonna die, Evans, but they have to die anyway. Might as well be for something worth dying for."

I nod and we move on. It's nice to be able to sit with Greta and chat about things other than the Order or the war. We talk about our jobs—both of us being part-time Order members. We talk about shopping a little, too. I talk about what it's like living in my own flat and I complain endlessly about James and his annoying lad habits. We've finished two bottles of butterbeer each by the time we're ready to leave.

"This was a lot of fun. We should hang out more often." Greta says, hugging me tightly.

"Most definitely." I reply with a smile.

With one last wave, I apparate home for the rest of the night.

O.o

For the last two years Christmas morning hasn't exactly been the fun times I've grown up used to. Last year I could barely get out of bed without wanting to burst out crying and this year I'm forced to spend it alone in my flat. I left my window unlocked last night, thinking for sure James would sneak in to surprise me at midnight. But he didn't.

I wait until noon before getting out of bed. There are presents sitting under my tiny tree looking so inviting. It turns my stomach to think of opening them alone. So I go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Last Christmas Mr Jones made spiced pancakes for breakfast. I remember their amazing smell and my mouth waters at the thought. So I dig in my cupboard for some flour and set to work.

In the end, they're burnt and less flavourful than I remember. But they taste fine with enough syrup drenched over them.

With a blanket wrapped securely around my shoulders, I settle down in front of the tree and pull the first gift towards me. It's from Greta and it's the cutest little hand painted teapot. I coo over it for a moment before setting it gently on display in an empty spot on my bookshelf. Next I open gifts from Benjy, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Hestia and her father and Mr Potter. I can't say I didn't rush through them.

Lastly, I pick up the tiny box with _Love, James_ written in his messy scrawl on the tag. I pull apart the ribbon and slowly lift the lid. Expecting jewellery, my face crunches up in confusion when I pull out a miniature chair with large arms, claw feet and a cushy back and seat. It looks like the kind of chair I'd explained to James late one night when I was complaining about not having enough money to decorate my flat with all the things I've wanted since I was a kid.

"Why does everything have to cost money?" I'd whined.

"Because life sucks." James responded, laughing.

"It's just not fair. I mean, I saw this amazing chair in the window of this shop by St. Mungo's yesterday. It was so cute and so perfect for curling up and reading a book on. It reminded me of the chairs we had in the Heads Dorm at Hogwarts. Godric, I miss those. Anyway, it was fabulous and it would've looked so good in that empty corner in my living room, you know the one?"

"I know the one."

"One day, maybe, I'll get one just like it." I'd resigned tiredly.

"If I know you, I'm sure you'll find a way." He kissed my head, still chuckling lightly at me getting so worked up over a _chair_.

I smile, unbelieving that he would remember something like that and go to such lengths to find a figurine that matches the one I described so exactly. I'm about to place it next to my teapot when I notice a folded piece of paper at the bottom of the box.

_Lily,_

_ I know how much you wanted this chair and hearing you talk about it made me want it, too. Happy Christmas, my love, and I hope you enjoy reading in your new favourite spot. A simple Engorgement Charm should do the trick and turn this bad boy back to its proper size._

_ I love you and I'll see you soon,_

_ James_.

I quickly fumble for my wand and wave it muttering the proper incantation. The chair that I'd placed in the empty corner grows large enough so that it fits perfectly where it belongs. I giggle, jumping up and down, before climbing atop it and curling onto my side. Its cushiony seat is so comfortable and holds me tightly.

I feel so giddy I might burst.

For the rest of the day, I sit curled up on my new favourite spot, indeed, and read from the first book I can reach. In fact, I spend the next five days in the same few positions rereading the few books on my shelf. Teacups pile up on my coffee table. I have to admit it's a good life. Being off of work, lazing around all day everyday. It's _the_ life, really.

On December, 30th, I'm just finishing up dinner when there's a knock on my door. My heart immediately jumps to my throat as I think of James being back. I rush towards it and it flings open in my eagerness.

But it's not James.

The man at the door is a very battered and beaten, tired looking Sirius Black.

"Sirius—what's going on?" I stutter, pulling him into the flat. I take his chin in my hand, turning his head right and left to get a good look at all the cuts and bruises on his face.

"Lily," His voice is pained.

"Where's James?" I panic; my heart is pounding wildly in my chest. Every instinct in me is screaming that something's wrong.

And then he says the words that stop it from working altogether.

"I don't know."

* * *

**A/N:**_ Oooh, what a happy ending. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! So I have some news, the end is officially upon us! No, I won't say how many chapters exactly are left (not many) so you can forget about asking me. I think it best you don't know so you can enjoy the events as they happen. I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who's been reading and reviewing and just supporting my story in any possible way. Honestly, it means everything to me. These nine or so months have gone by so __incredibly fast and I've had an absolute blast. I'll see you all next week! Tata!_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: May, 6._


	23. There's a kiss for every tear

**Chapter Twenty-Two: There's a kiss for every tear**

I pace back and forth, running my hands roughly through my hair.

"Can you stop that, you're giving me whiplash." Sirius barks from his perch on my comfy chair.

"I don't care." I growl back at him.

"At least stop touching your hair. _Godric_, you and Prongs are alike."

I stop to glare at him. "I am _nothing_ like James. First off, I wouldn't be stupid enough to go on his bloody mission nor would I get lost. And how did that even happen? How did you lose him?"

"I dunno. One minute he was behind me and the next he'd vanished."

"Vanished?"

"Yeah, y'know, _poof_." He splays his fingers out in demonstration

"Where are the others?" I ask.

"They're at headquarters. Moony and Wormtail wanted to come but Dumbledore would only let me. I'm supposed to bring you back with me." He explains.

I turn to stare at him. "Then why aren't we there?"

Sirius sighs; it's his turn to display his nervous tick. I want to slap his hand away from his ear. "I don't want to go back. It's my fault Prongs is gone. I wasn't watching him the way I should've been."

"Sirius, it's not your fault." I say. I haven't a blasted clue if I'm right or not, but I can't have Sirius falling apart now. "James is a big boy, he can handle himself."

"I don't know…I'm afraid the Death Eaters might have him."

I want to swear so loudly he'd hear me. But I keep my composure intact. "Come on, we should go tell Dumbledore. He'll have a plan."

Sirius shakes his head. "Dumbledore doesn't want to do anything. He wants us to sit on our arses and wait for him to find his way back on his own or a sign that they have him."

"What if they—" I can't finish the thought.

"Then bullocks for us."

"I have a hard time believing Dumbledore would do that. To any one, let alone James."

"The old man's cracked, Evans, if he thinks I'm doing nothing."

"Sirius, let's go talk to him. They're probably devising a plan right now." I take his hand and pull him up.

Sirius shakes his head doubtfully but follows me out of the flat anyway. We apparate to headquarters and there's a sinking feeling in my stomach. There's no buzz of frantic planning, in fact, there's hardly anyone about at all.

"Ah, Ms Evans." Dumbledore's calm voice calls once he sees me.

"Hullo, Professor." I say, striding up to him. I vaguely register Remus and Peter in my peripheral greeting Sirius, probably inquiring about my state.

"I'm very sorry about James Potter's disappearance." The old man wheezes.

"It's quite alright, Professor, because you see, I know you'll do everything you can to find him."

Dumbledore matches me with a condescending smile. "I'm afraid there's not much we can do. We don't know whether Lord Voldemort has him captured or if he's on his own someplace else. By stepping forward and demanding for his return, we could call unwanted attention to our lack of knowledge of his location. We ought not allow them to know how much _we_ know by asking such questions. I think it best to allow Mr Potter to find his way back to us. I'm sure you're aware of his fine capabilities and I trust in them to see him home safely."

"So we're doing nothing?" I sputter dumbly.

"Yes, Ms Evans, I do believe that's what I just said."

"But Professor, James is _missing_. How can you even suggest that we—"

"Okay, Lily, that's enough." Remus' hands are on my shoulder and they're tugging me backwards. "Thank you, Professor Dumbledore. We'll see to it that Lily's calmed." He takes me to another room—not without struggle—where Peter and Sirius are waiting.

"How dare he do _nothing_?" I spit once Remus releases me. "James is one of his most loyal followers. How can he just let him be lost?"

"Lily, he means a lot to the three of us, too. But he's just another soldier in this battle. Dumbledore can't be expected to break away from previous plans just because Prongs screwed up and he's _fond_ of him." Peter reasons. "As untrue as it is for us and as much as we hate it, he's not special."

"You little rat," I snarl at him.

"Lily, calm down!" Remus places a hand on my shoulder and I shrug him off.

"No, I won't! We have to do _something_. Godric, anything." I turn to Sirius, knowing he'll back me up. "Let's go looking for him."

Sirius looks away and I know Remus and Peter have already gotten to him and convinced him that there's nothing to do.

"I can't believe you guys. I can't believe you would turn your back on him when he needs you the most. He's in trouble!"

"We're not turning our backs on him!" Sirius yells angrily. "We're doing what Dumbledore said and not calling attention to it. What if no one knows he's missing? He's a _Potter_, Lily. If the Death Eaters get wind that he's out there on his own probably not tip-top, they'll go looking for him. And then he really will be in danger."

"What if they already have him?"

"Then they'll use him as bait. Torture him a little, have him give up some secrets. But they'll keep him alive knowing we'll try to rescue him. And if they do that, then there's a chance that we _can_. We have to be smart about it." Says Remus calmly.

"Torture him a _little_?" I gasp. "Do you not hear yourself?"

"Evans, you have to trust us."

"No!" I recoil from their outstretched hands, trying to reach me. "I thought you guys loved him. I guess I'm the only one."

"Love can't protect him." Peter says sadly.

I shake my head roughly. "I don't believe that."

"Lily,"

"No,"

"Lily,

"_No!_"

Remus points his wand at me, "Lily, don't make me do this."

I turn, fully intent on running when a curse hits me from behind and everything goes dark.

O.o

When I wake up, I'm in my room. The sunlight is streaming through the slits in my blinds and creating stripes on my blanket. Said blanket is pulled up to my chin, trapping my arms beneath it. I look to either side of me. There's a glass of water resting on my side table right next to a clock that reads 7:46am. My door is open, which is odd because I always sleep with it closed.

And then I remember what happened.

Remus hitting me with a jinx, making me hit my head on the floor and black out. I wonder for how long I've been asleep and if they'd done anything to tie me to the bed. I roll over and seeing that I could move, I get up. I reach the door with no problems—thank Merlin they never figured out the spell I'd put on James last year to keep him in bed. Once outside, I see Remus and Sirius hunched over cups of tea. Peter nowhere to be found.

"G'morning." Remus says upon noticing my arrival.

I shoot him a dirty look.

"Still upset, I see."

"How long have I been asleep?" I ask.

"Just since last night."

I groan loudly and pad back to my bathroom. I brush my teeth vigorously and then sit down to pee. My stomach is in complete knots but my underwear is clean from blood. Must just be my missing boyfriend, then, that's making it so unsettled. I wish with all my heart he'd come home.

I go back into the living room to see Sirius and Remus with their heads bowed together in conversation. I clear my throat loudly and they both look up, startled.

"Lily, you should sit down." Remus says. He stands up and beckons me with his hand. I comply, sitting down in his vacated spot. "Please don't freak out again." He says.

I nod.

"Here, have some tea." Sirius pushes a cup towards me but I don't take it.

"We're sorry." Remus says.

"Believe us, there's nothing we want more than to bring Prongs home safe. But we need to do it carefully."

I shake my head. "I don't understand that. What's stopping us from going looking?"

Remus bites his lip and Sirius looks at him with a pained expression. They seem to be talking to each other through expressions and it unnerves me how well they know each other by just their faces.

Finally Remus sighs and crosses over to sit next to Sirius. "Lily, the mission we went on was really dangerous, as you know. And it involved…posing as Death Eaters."

"_What?_" I explode.

"Don't get too excited," Sirius warns. "We had a lot of training in case something went wrong."

"Something did go wrong!" I shout.

"Yeah, well, Prongs has a problem with following rules that he didn't set." Remus mutters. "The point is, apart from Prongs going missing, everything went flawlessly. The purpose of the mission was to implant spies into You-Know-Who's army. Dumbledore was able to contact one of them and he said that as far as they could tell, Prongs wasn't there. Meaning he's out there and most likely out of danger."

"That's fantastic! That means we can go look for him." I say.

"Lily, Death Eaters are watching our every move. If we go looking for him, they'll know." Sirius says.

"But if they don't see him, won't they know he's missing?" I ask, confused.

"They might think he's on another mission."

"The best thing we can do is hope no one from their side notices and that he makes it back to us."

"So in other words: do nothing." I clarify.

"Unfortunately."

"I fucking hate that."

"We know."

I sigh, raking my hands through my hair. "Can't we just be really careful while looking for him?"

Sirius and Remus share another look, one I can tell means that Sirius is starting to inch his way onto my side.

Remus shakes his head and Sirius looks away, anger in his eyes. But he doesn't say anything.

"I think we should stick with our plan first." Remus says. "If he's not back soon, we'll go looking."

"What does soon mean?" I ask.

They don't answer and I don't want to ask again. I can't understand what's driving them to do nothing. This isn't the kind of behaviour I've come to expect from the Marauders and it worries me. The lads I know would charge head first into battle to save their friend. Who are these people? But maybe I'm missing something still; maybe they're keeping something more from me. I want to know what it is but I also know they won't tell me. They're good at keeping me in the dark. I just don't understand why.

I'm so confused right now and I just want to lie in my bed with James' arms around me. But of course, he's not here and no one's doing anything about it.

I contemplate for a moment sneaking away and going to look for him myself. But not even I'm that dense. He's worth dying for, but being the only person willing to save him, I won't be of much use if I'm dead or caught.

I wish James were here, he'd know what to do.

He also wouldn't be sitting around on his arse like these two.

They're right about one thing: James is a rule breaker.

My heart constricts painfully in my chest as I think about what it would be like to wait for him to come back every hour of every day. Because that's what I'll be doing, waiting for him to come back. It's worse than before when he was out on missions because at least then I knew someone would have his back. This time he's on his own.

If he were here, I'd kill him for putting me in this position.

"Get out." I say, turning to face my balcony.

"Lily, come on,"

"Get out." I repeat louder.

Sirius scrambles to his feet and Remus is reluctant to follow. "Evans, we just—"

"I prefer to wait alone." I say, hugging myself. "Please leave."

I hear them open the front door and then I hear it click shut. At the sound, the tears start falling. I didn't get a chance yet to break down and they've built up quite a lot. I don't want to cry anymore, especially not for James. Why did this have to happen? Why was_ he_ lost and not someone else.

The thought makes me cringe with guilt. The other people on that mission have loved ones that would be miserable over their absence, too. It just feels unfair that after everything I have to be the one to suffer from this.

But what can I _do_ about it?

There's a twisting in my stomach again and it makes me feel fidgety. The answer is nothing. There is nothing I can do to find him home safe that won't put someone else in danger. If so many people—Dumbledore, the lads—think that doing nothing is the best thing to do…maybe I just have to accept that.

It goes against every instinct in me…

I'm doing it again, overthinking everything and making it more complicated than it needs to be. I just need to calm down. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is…Maybe James will walk through that door any minute now—

But thinking things like that isn't going to help either.

"_Ahhh_!" I press a pillow to my face and scream into it.

O.o

After a long-winded internal monologue with myself that got me virtually nowhere with my position on what to do about James being missing, I fall asleep in my comfy chair wishing he was beside me. I dream of him being safe and warm wherever he is—and most importantly, unharmed. I dream of him knocking on my window or landing on my balcony with his windswept hair and wicked smile. I'll shove him backwards, angry with him for getting lost, and then pull him close threatening to never let him go. And he'll smile into my hair and kiss my forehead and tell me I'm being daft because with my love, he'd never be lost.

I jolt awake at the sound of a sharp rap on my door. My heart jumps to my throat and for the second time, I bolt towards it and fling it open.

And again, it's Sirius with an expression living up to his name.

"Evans, you look like shit." The charmer says barging in.

"I was asleep." I say, flattening my hair. "What time is it?"

"Half-eleven. You're gonna miss the countdown." He answers.

"What count—" And then I remember that it's New Year's Eve. Another one spent alone—bloody fantastic. This is most certainly not how I want to start another year and I hope with all my might that it isn't a prelude to the way the rest of the year will play out.

"Look, I promised Moony I wouldn't do anything but you and I know it doesn't work that way. So here's the plan. We tell him that I'm staying at yours for a few days so we can wait together for a sign from Prongs but I'll really go out and search." He says in a rush.

"Can you repeat that?" I ask, but a swelling in my heart makes me realize things might be looking up.

Sirius starts pacing in such short circuits, it looks like he's turning around in circles—like a dog chasing its tail. And he's itching his ear faster than I've ever seen him. "I know I shouldn't be doing this—it's so dangerous. And Moony would kill me if he ever found out I'm deliberately going against Dumbledore's orders. But I'm going mental here and I can't be expected to do nothing. Oh, Merlin."

"Sirius! What is it that you're going to do?" I ask, excitement colouring my voice.

"I'm going to look for him, of course. I'll say I'm staying with you because I don't want to wait alone when _really_ I'll be out looking."

"I have so many questions." I say, a little confused now at how it could possibly be that simple.

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Moony and Wormtail are back at their own places so I'm alone at mine anyway. They won't question it if you act like you _really_ don't want to be alone while you wait. I'll turn into my animagus while I'm gone and take something of Prongs' with me so I can sniff him out. You'd be amazed at how easily it is to find his scent. Moony thinks it's too risky but it's not like anyone besides us knows about Padfoot. It might take me a while seeing as I'll be on four legs most of the time but I should have him back soon."

I'm nodding as if this isn't the most hare-brained scheme I've ever heard. "You'll come back regularly to check in, won't you?" I ask. "You know it will be suspicious if no one sees you for days. I'm a terrible liar, no one will believe you're "in the bathroom" or "just left" forever."

Sirius fans away my concern. "Yeah, yeah. So you're on board, then?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, I'm on board. Merlin, this is exactly the thing I've been waiting for. Do nothing, pft, as if."

Sirius grins and grabs me in a hug that spins me off the ground. "I'm going to bring back our boy."

O.o

Fuck Sirius and his bloody plan that has obtained _zero_ results. Not even a trace of James can be found anywhere. On Sirius' last visit, he claimed all his trails have gone cold. He could follow it just fine for a couple of hours and then it'd be gone. Personally, I think he's imagining scent trails now just to keep hope alive. With every passing day James seems to vanish a little bit more.

And it's been two weeks.

Last week was James and my anniversary and it hurt so badly that he'd missed it. I realize I've never had a happy anniversary before. I'm literally sitting here sick with worry when I should be happily into my second year with the best boyfriend I could've ever hoped for. How could James do this to me? How could he miss the most important date in our relationship?

It's not really about that, though, is it? I mean it _is_ just a date after all…

A very special date. The happiest date in history; just ask Professor Binns.

But again, that's not really the point.

"Greta, I'm going mad." I say over tea and biscuits in her flat. There's a nice ray of sunlight streaming through her window and illuminating her kitchen. Her home is everything I hope mine will be one day once I've lived in it long enough.

"I know, Lils, I'm sorry." She says, tapping my hand sympathetically.

"I just don't know what to do. I miss him so much. My stomach is in constant knots."

"Oh, I'm sure it's just your time." She jokes.

I flip her off, although I know she's probably right. I was supposed to get it weeks ago, but I must've mismarked the date.

"I'm serious, what if Benjy one day just up and disappears?" I ask, soaking a biscuit in my tea.

"I'd hate it," she admits. A small smile spreads across her face and I can tell she's hiding something from me.

"There's something you're keeping from me. Go on, out with it." I nudge her arm. She blushes slightly and I think she might finally admit her feelings for Ben.

"Skender Negrescu asked me out on a date tomorrow night! I mean, I'm going over to his place and we're staying in, but still!" She exclaims happily. I drop my jaw in surprise before squealing excitedly.

"Greta, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you." I hug her tightly.

"Thanks. I know you were still holding out for me and Benjy but I'm kind of _really_ into Skender."

I grin and wave her accusation away. "Benjy who? Skender is so dishy and really sweet." I recall the burly man a year or two older than Greta with great fondness. He has thick dark hair and an even thicker Romanian accent. He was one of the men that went on my first mission and ever since he's treated me with the utmost respect.

"He is, isn't he? It's been such a long time since I've been on a date. I'm so excited but so nervous at the same time." She gushes.

"I can imagine." I giggle.

We talk about Skender for a while and all the things she likes about him. We move into Greta's bedroom to choose outfits for her date. After we've torn her wardrobe apart we finally settle on a nice pair of jeans and a tightfitting cashmere sweater that brings out the colour of her eyes. I for one think Skender will be very thankful they're staying in.

"My back is killing me." I groan, flopping unceremoniously over Greta's bed.

"You should probably go home and rest. Take it easy, okay? Don't let James being gone stress you out too much."

"I wont…" My face falls as I remember that James is missing. Not that I forgot in all of the first date excitement. It hits me just as hard every time I'm reminded of it.

"Make a cup of soup and go to _bed_. You told me you have an early shift at the hospital tomorrow."

"Yes ma'am."

At home I do as Greta told me. I make myself a bowl of soup and curl up on my chair. I stare blankly at the bare wall—I should paint it, I wonder what colour. My stomach gurgles, which reminds me that I really should've gotten my period by now. I put away my empty bowl and head into my room to find my calendar. My mum taught me to always keep one specifically for recording when my time is scheduled to arrive. I've been diligent with it ever since I first got it when I was 12.

The date I marked was for about three weeks ago right around the time James left on the mission. As I stare at the square marked with a tiny red dot, my vision starts to blur and it feels like a stone the size of Mann has dropped into my stomach. Being off by three weeks is not a mismark it's a _sign_. A warning sign that my period won't be coming at all.

I back up and sit heavily on my bed, my hand draped over my stomach. I stare at the wall trying to stop the room from spinning. I haven't been having cramps because something will be arriving; I've been having them because something _won't._ Well, something will but it won't get here for another nine months!

I feel as if I might faint so I bend over and put my head between my knees. Breathe in and out.

How can I be—how is it even—but of course it is.

I'm pregnant.

O.o

The kettle whistles and I hurry to take it off the stove. The water makes pleasant bubbly sounds as I pour it into my mug with the teabag already inside. I watch the brown wisps of steeped tea swirl around the cup turning the water the same colour. It gets darker and darker and when it's dark enough, I squeeze out the bag and add sugar and milk. I mix those in thoroughly and then take a sip. It burns my tongue.

Last night I tossed and turned, hoping that in the morning I would see red. I wore my favourite pair of lacy white knickers hoping that Merlin would decide that ruining them would be punishment enough for not being careful. But alas, no such luck.

I spent the entirety of my shift slipping periodically into bathrooms to check in case it arrived. But again, I saw nothing. It was a tiring day full of worry and panic.

There's a knock on the door and I slowly make my way towards it. I think it must be Sirius but lately I haven't been very good at predicting who is at my door. So I'm not surprised when I see Remus standing outside with his hands in his pockets.

"Lily," He says as I let him in. "How're you doing?"

I shrug, floating back into the living room.

"Where's Padfoot?"

I shrug again.

"S'he out again?" He asks.

"Yeah,"

"Did he say when he'd be back? I haven't seen him in a while."

"I don't know, Remus."

Remus laughs and shakes his head. "Do you guys think I'm stupid or something? I know he went out to look for Prongs."

I turn sharply to look at him. "Oh really?"

"Look, I know you guys were mad at me for siding with Dumbledore. In fact, I sort of _expected_ him to do something like this."

"Then why didn't you say something before?"

Remus shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I wanted to trust that Dumbledore knew what he was doing. And I also thought Pads would've found him by now."

"You just didn't want to break the rules." I accuse.

He raises his hands in surrender. "Okay, you caught me. Seems like you're a better Marauder than I am."

"Fat load of good that does me." I mutter.

Remus sits down and I follow. "I miss him, too, Lils. Anyway, the reason I came over was to say Happy Birthday." He produces a tiny wrapped box with a pink bow on top.

"What?" I ask, shocked.

"Happy—don't tell me you forgot your own birthday." Remus gapes.

"No, I—" But I did. I take the box from his hand. "Thank you."

"S'alright. I understand."

I sigh, undoing the bow. "It's not going to be a very happy one."

"I'm sorry, d'you want me to go?"

"No, of course not." I lift the lid of the box and to see a gorgeous pair of silver earrings in the shape of stars. "Oh my, they're lovely."

"I'm glad you like them." Remus blushes.

I gather him in a hug and kiss his cheek. "Thank you so much, Rem."

"I thought you could do with some cheering up. And I'm rubbish at Cheering Charms so…"

"Yeah… I don't know what am I going to do." I say, plucking the earrings from the box and fastening them behind my ears.

"I don't know, either, honestly." Remus says, helping me.

"I need him here." I say, feeling a twisting in my abdomen.

"We all do. We all want him home." He answers placing a warm hand on my shoulder.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, praying for the strength to say what I'm about to. "No, you don't understand. I-I think I'm pregnant…"

Remus freezes and I can no longer feel the pulse in his palm. "Why would you think that?" He asks hesitantly.

I squirm uncomfortably. "Y'know the warning signs…"

Remus' hand jumps off of me and he twiddles his thumbs nervously in his lap. "But you and James were being safe, weren't you?"

"Well, I mean—" I trail, thinking back to all the hurried nights we spend caught up in the moment.

"Are you i_nsane_? How could you guys be so irresponsible?" Remus demands loudly, jumping up so that he's glaring down at me.

"I don't know, okay? I don't know. We were always so caught up—we just never thought to—" I stutter, waving my hands about trying to come up for a plausible explanation.

"_Never_? I swear to Merlin, if James ever comes back, I'll kill him. I _told_ him to be careful." He rants.

"What? James has been talking to you guys about our sex life?"

"Oh relax," Remus waves me away. "It was a private conversation between me and him. I noticed he looked particularly happy one day and I warned him to beware the consequences. I never even _conceived_ the fact that he could be that stupid—no pun intended."

"Remus, I need him. If—I can't do this alone." I say miserably. I hang my head in my hands trying to quell my tears. "I can't have-have a _baby_. Not now, not by myself…"

Remus takes a step towards me again and lays a heavy hand on the top of my head, smoothing down my hair. "Calm down, Lils, I'm here for you. Have you seen a Healer or anything yet?"

"No, I just realized yesterday." I answer, my voice thick.

"Realized? You mean you haven't taken a test?"

I shake my head. "I'm really late, though."

"Shit." Remus swears, looking as if he's about to start pacing. "Then we should go. I'll take you, come on."

I shake my head at him. "What? We can't, I need to make an appointment first."

"Lily, I don't think it's really the time for that. It's kind of urgent."

"Remus,"

"No, Lily. Prongs isn't here!" Remus shouts.

"What does that have to do with why we can't wait?" I ask, somewhat confused.

Remus hangs his head slightly. "Look, I—actually all three of us—promised Prongs a long time ago that if he wasn't here, we'd do everything we could to protect you."

"What, like I'm some sort of child?"

"No, not like that. But you know Prongs; he's crazy about you. And I know you're not in any sort of danger that you need protection from. But I need to take care of you, okay? You shouldn't have to deal with this alone and since he's not here, I'm taking it upon myself to—"

"Remus," I stop him feeling touched by his concern. I take his hand and smile. "Remus, I'm scared and I'm confused and I _really_ wish James was here right now. But I'm glad to have you, too. Thank you for being here."

Remus grins and rubs his nose with his knuckles. "Yeah, well… Come on."

Keeping hold of my hand, Remus apparates us to the maternity ward at St. Mungo's. This isn't my ward so I've never been here before and it's a lot busier than I would've expected. I didn't think anyone would want to have a child at this time. Maybe they were all unplanned as well?

"May I help you?" The witch at the check-in desk asks.

I glance at Remus nervously and he stares back just as confused. "Yes, um, I'm here to take a, um, test." I say.

The witch glances between Remus and I before sliding a clipboard forward. "Fill this out and take a seat." She says.

There's only one chair unoccupied and Remus gestures for me to take it. I do, my knees jumping up and down. I fill in the form, which is all just basic information. I go back to hand in the filled in form.

"Evans? You don't have an appointment, do you?" the lady asks.

"Um, no." I say. Shit, I knew I should've made one.

"Okay, you really should've made one. But you say you just need a test? I'm sure we can find time to squeeze you in. Take a seat and wait."

I do just that. Remus leans against the wall beside me, his ankle jiggles up and down and his knuckles swipe at his nose until it's bruised. "This place gives me the creeps." He says finally.

"Why? It's just a hospital."

"Lily, the maternity ward is _not_ the kind of place any 19-year-old bloke wants to be."

I don't tell him that it's not where any 19-year-old _bird_ wants to be, either. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, hoping that I'll wake up in my own bed to find that it's all been a very bad dream.

"Miss Evans?" A cool voice calls. My eyes snap open and I stand in a hurry.

"I'll wait right here." Remus says, nudging me forward.

I nod and follow the witch into a room painted in all white. She turns and smiles and motions for me to have a seat on the Healer's bench covered in crinkly paper.

"Hello, I'm Healer Rae." The witch says, her back turned to me.

"Jessica?" I ask, surprised.

"Lily?" Jessica Rae turns around, her face splitting into a smile when she sees me. "Lily Evans, what're you doing here?"

Jessica envelops me in a hug that I happily return. She was in my Healing program with me and I haven't seen her since the class ended.

"I'm, um, here to, um," I stutter.

"Alright, let's see. You're here for a pregnancy test, am I right?" Her eyes sparkle when they meet mine.

"Yes," I answer blushingly.

"Wow, Lils, I can't believe you're—"

"Well, it's not official yet. We still need to test it."

"Of course, that's right!" She laughs. "Well, usually if you had an appointment we'd be able to tell right away. But since you're a walk-in, you won't get your results until tomorrow." She explains.

I sigh. I just want this over with. "Okay,"

"Okay," Jessica smiles. "First there are some questions I'll need to ask you,"

She asks me routine questions about my health and medical history. I answer them no sweat, feeling much calmer than I did in the beginning.

"And are you sexually active, Miss Evans?" She asks with a straight face.

"Yes," I reply awkwardly.

"And have you and your partner been using protection?"

I gulp and look down ashamed. "No."

I feel Jessica's judging eyes glance up at me with disapproval. "Okay,"

She finishes up a short list of embarrassingly intimate questions about myself and James and our sex life before clapping her hands. "Now, since it's such sort notice and we don't have any insta-potion prepared. So drink this," She hands me a cup of disgusting looking and even worse smelling pink sludge. "And wait five minutes. Then go to the bathroom down the hall and pee in this cup," she produces a small beaker with numbers on the side. "and drop it off at the desk right next to the loo and then you're free to go. But remember to make an appointment for tomorrow afternoon to get your results."

"Um, okay?" I say.

"Bottoms up." Jessica winks and then leaves the room.

I swallow the pink sludge, wincing as it goes down. It tingles and I wonder what it's doing that'll determine if I have another person growing inside of me. After the designated time, I go to the loo. It's hard to pee under pressure, but the potion must've made me have to go. Once I've composed myself, I exit the room and drop the bottle off. The man at the desk leers and me and I feel a crawling on my skin. Remus jumps up when he sees me and rushes forward.

"How are you? How're you feeling? Do you know if—?"

"Calm down, Remus." I murmur. "I'm fine. I need to make an appointment for tomorrow to get my results." I say.

Remus lets out a sigh of relief. "Okay, let's go."

I make my appointment and then the two of us apparate back to my flat.

"I can't believe this is happening." I burst once inside. "I can't believe I had to take a pregnancy test!"

"Neither can I." Remus agrees, sitting down.

"I could just feel Jessica's eyes burning with disapproval when I told her that James and I—"

"It was very irresponsible of you two."

"I know that! Godric, I know that. And now we—_I_—have to pay for that."

"James'll be back and when he is, he'll have a lot of paying to do, too." Remus reassures me.

"I sure hope so,"

O.o

Remus doesn't leave right away and I'm forced to cook dinner for the both of us. I think it's sweet of him to come to my rescue like this. Merlin knows how poorly I'd be handling it if I were on my own. But I feel suffocated at the same time. Like the mistake of being so careless is being punished by way of Remus Lupin, the most nagging of all the Marauders.

Remus is a stand-up guy, that's one thing for sure. He's so sweet and gentle and understanding. But almost to a fault. I remember in Hogwarts always wondering why out of the four of them, Remus hadn't been the most popular among the ladies. Of course when I realized he was a werewolf, it all made sense why he wouldn't let himself get near anybody. But I never understood why _I_ never fell for him myself. I mean, I knew his secret and the two of us were good friends a lot longer than I was with any of the other lads. I used to wonder what it'd be like to be in love with him. But there was never a real pull between us. And there was always his friendship with James in the way.

I understand now why the lads used to poke fun at Remus for being so sensitive. As I'm cooking, Remus takes it upon himself to get in my way at every opportunity. Asking again and again if I'd like a break and if he could do anything to help. It takes everything in me not to snap and yell at him to leave me alone. Finally, I agree to let him chop onions and celery for the soup.

He glances at me every few seconds, though, watching me carefully.

"Will you stop that? I'm not broken." I snap irritably.

"Sorry,"

"It's okay, just—"

There's a loud knock on the door and my heart jumps to my throat. I rush to open it to find Sirius there for the sixth time when it should've been James.

"Pads, what's going on?" Moony asks, coming into view.

"Um," Sirius stalls, panicking at the sight of his friend.

"Relax, Remus knows everything. What'd you find?" I ask, pulling him inside.

"I think they have him." He answers, trying to catch his breath.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Sirius itches his ear roughly. "I overheard my cousin Bella and her husband Roddy talking about "having the boy" and I'm pretty sure they were talking about Prongs."

"Wait, where was this?" Remus asks.

"Diagon Alley."

"Fuck," Remus mutters under his breath.

"I think I need to sit down." I say softly, backing into the living room. I feel Sirius grip my elbow and help me down. "This can't be happening." My hand drifts to my middle.

"I know, I know. I apparated straight here. But I think if we go to Dumbledore, he'll come up with a plan. I mean, now that we know where he is he'll want to do something about it."

"Yes, let's go!" Remus jumps a little and starts for the door. "Lily?" He asks, looking back to find me still rooted to the chair.

"You two go ahead, I'll stay here."

"Why?" Sirius asks incredulously. "I thought you'd be the first one out the door."

Remus and I exchange a look. "Let's go, mate." He shoves Sirius' shoulder towards the door. "Are you gonna be okay, Lils?"

I nod. "I think so. Please let me know what's going on."

"Will do."

The two of them leave. I can tell Sirius is beyond confused right now but I can't seem to care. There's something I need to do, and it doesn't involve them.

* * *

**A/N:** _Hello, I hope you all enjoyed that one. Thanks everyone who's been reading/favouriting/subscribing/reviewing. The end is sooner than you think so keep a look out. _

_Speaking of looking out, the sequel to Catch A Falling Star will be posted at the end of June. If you haven't already, please read that one and drop a review. I look forward to seeing you all during that process as well. _

_-FallingForFootie_

_Next Chapter: May, 13._


	24. Just give me the kiss of life

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Just give me the kiss of life**

As soon as the door slams behind Remus and Sirius, I jump up with a fiery determination in my heart. There's someone I need to see about this hostage situation and I'd be damned if I let it go on any further. James is coming home and he's coming home now.

I wait a few minutes to be sure that Remus and Sirius are, indeed, gone and won't be coming back before grabbing my coat and apparating away. There's only one person I know who can help me right now and as much as it _pains_ me to go to them, I can't think of anything else I can do but suck up my pride and plead my case. If I had it my way, I'd never see his smarmy face ever again. But I need him and I just pray he will find it in him to help.

I land at the end of Spinner's End, the familiarity of it startling me and making what I'm about to do all too real. I stride up the narrow street and take a left onto the property of a house whose overall aesthetics are in complete disarray. Taking a deep breath, I knock firmly on the door and wait.

The door cracks open slightly and I'm just barely able to make out the shadow of a man.

"Hullo Severus."

The door opens wider when he hears my voice and I'm able to take in his full appearance. He's thinner than he was before but his hair is just as lank and greasy as always. His eyes look sunken as well, as if he hadn't had a proper night's sleep in a very long time.

"Lily?" He asks in awe. "What're you doing here?"

"May I come in, please?" I ask with forced politeness.

Apparently stunned, Severus opens the door wider and allows me entrance. I walk in to his house—I've never been in here before. It's the same one from our childhood and it's different than I expected. Actually, I didn't expect much of anything because I never before cared to imagine the place where Severus Snape grew up. That sounds harsh, but at eleven and twelve and up until we were fifteen, our friendship was always based in the little patch of forest where we met during summers and the corridors where we met during school.

The house is dark and dank, cold as if no one lives here at all. The room he leads me to is minimally furnished with only a threadbare sofa and armchair with a round table next to it, a flickering candle, a tea cup and a book atop it. In fact, the walls are covered in shelves of old books that are falling apart at the seams. The bindings are frayed and most of their jackets have long since been lost. The whole room looks sad.

I take a seat on the sofa and notice that there's a pillow lying next to the armrest with a blanket folded neatly on top of it. I wonder if Severus sleeps here at night and if this is the only room he really uses. That saddens me even more.

"What are you doing here, Lily?" Severus repeats, turning to face me.

"I think you know why I'm here." I say as calmly as I possibly can.

The look that passes across his face tells me otherwise. "No, I assure you, I do not. I would never presume for _you_ to pay me a visit under any circumstance whatsoever."

"I won't lie to you Severus, and I hope you will return the same courtesy. I know you're a Death Eater now."

Severus swallows visibly and makes no attempt to deny it.

"I also know that your _master_," I clench my jaw. "has taken James hostage. I want him back, Severus, I want you to give him back to me."

I watch as my old friend composes himself, his features rearranging into an expression of cool disinterest. "Potter's missing, hm? And you think that I may have some power to change that?"

"Don't play games with me, Severus Snape. You're the only one I can think of that can help me with this. Please, I'm asking—_begging_—you to help me."

Severus sighs. "I'm not quite sure what you want me to do."

"Go to You-Know-Who, get him to release James unharmed."

"Unharmed." He spits. "If anyone should be harmed it's that no good buffoon. I can't for life of me comprehend why you would willingly stay with that."

I force myself to swallow the retort I was ready to snap. "I love him, that's why."

Snape gags mockingly. "Disgusting is what it is. You deserve so much better than him."

I choose to ignore his comment, recognising that I didn't come here to fight with him about my personal life but to seek his help. "Please, Sev, he's been gone for so long. I-I need him." My hands drift to my stomach on their own accord. Tears mist my eyes.

My actions do not escape his notice and I can feel him tense.

"Please tell me you're not—"

I glance up at him sharply, cutting him off before he can say it. I didn't want Severus to find out, I knew it would crush him even worse than my dating James at all, but now that he does…maybe it can help me.

"I'll kill him myself if it's true." Severus snarls.

"And leave me _alone_?" I whimper. "Whether you like it or not, Sev, I need him now more than ever. You've done so much to hurt me already, can't you find it in yourself to do something _for_ me?"

He looks away and then turns his body fully so that I'm staring at his back. I see is fingers at his side twisting around, a nervous tick he had since we were children. I can tell he's thinking hard about what to do.

"I want to help you, Lily. Not for _Potter_ or his—spawn, but for you, because I owe you that. But I can't. The Dark Lord doesn't have him. Whoever your source is, they're wrong. We didn't even know he was gone or else I'm sure we would've been looking. I can't help you a-and I can't say that I'm sorry."

I gawk at him, stupefied. "Is this a joke?"

"No, it's not."

"You're lying to me! I know you are." I accuse, standing now.

Severus whips around and looks me in the eye for the first time in a very long time. "I am _not_ lying to you." He insists. "I would never—"

"Don't you dare say you would never lie to me. You have, you've lied to me so many times. Why should I believe you?"

"Then why are you here? If you can't trust me why did you come here to ask for my help?"

I don't know. I look away sharply trying to figure it out. This was a colossal mistake. Not only have I admitted to a Death Eater that James is missing, but I also made him aware of the fact that I'm pregnant, vulnerable and scared.

"I'm sorry I wasted your time." I say in a daze, still thinking about what damage I've done.

"Lily,"

"I'll go…" I start for the door.

"Lily, please. I-I'm sorry."

"I thought you weren't sorry." I say, confused.

"I'm not sorry about not being able to help you find Potter. But I am sorry that you're hurt and that it's in part because of me. I never should've done—I should've protected you better."

"From what?" I ask, turning back to face him. "Are you telling me that you never would've became a Death Eater if we never stopped being friends?"

"I don't know about that. But I do know I could've saved you from Potter and this situation you're in."

I gawk at him incredulously. "You're a real piece of work." I state. "After all this time you still think James is the bad guy. You still can't see that it was _your_ choices that brought us to where we are. You chose to turn your back on me, you chose to antagonize yourself even further by keeping me away from James, you chose to become a flaming Death Eater! Godric, I can't believe you."

"I recognise that it was I who drove you into Potter's arms but as I said, I wish I could've done something to stop it."

"No! James and I would've found a way to be together with or without your meddling. Even if we stayed friends, James would've found a way to show me that he isn't like the picture _you_ tried to paint of him. You-you _corrupted_ me into thinking he was someone I shouldn't like and me like a fool believed it."

"You came here." Snape says after a few seconds of silence, clearly at a loss for what else to say to defend himself.

"That's right. And I can see what a mistake it was." I walk brusquely to the front door.

"Lily, wait."

"I wish you good sense, Severus." I say as my parting words and I don't wait for his reply.

O.o

Sirius, Remus and Peter find me in my apartment the next morning shortly after breakfast. I'm sitting with my knees curled to my chest and a cup of tea warming my hands. When I open the door they greet me with news I've already heard.

"I just can't think of anywhere he might be." Sirius moans, flopping on the chair I've vacated.

"It made so much sense to think that the Death Eaters had him." Remus agrees.

"I was worried before, but I'm even more so now." Peter chimes in.

My head starts to hurt with all the worried tension in the room.

"How're you doing, Lils?" Remus asks me, a knowing twinkle in his eyes.

"Yeah, you didn't seem that surprised when we told you it was a false alarm." Sirius notes.

I shake my head. "I'm fine. I figured it would be…nothing is ever so simple these days."

"Simple," Peter snorts. "As if getting James back from You-Know-Who would've been simple."

"Dumbledore would've found a way." Sirius says firmly.

I sigh loudly and Remus shoots me another glance. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asks.

I touch my stomach. My appointment is this afternoon and I'm both anxious and scared to receive my results. After my visit with Snape, I'd arrived home and slipped straight into bed. I didn't want to think about our conversation or what it might mean for me. I knew he heavily disapproved of this baby and a small part of me was sorry that that he was hurt by it.

But the thought of having a little James warmed my heart to no end. I dreamed of their little toes and thick dark eyelashes and unruly hair and olive green eyes and chubby arms and button nose and pudgy stomach. I dreamed of bringing him or her home with me and cradling them to my breast as James watched on, in awe and elated to be a father. We're only 19, I know, but in my dream that didn't matter. Together we'd be able to keep this person, the best of James and I mashed together, safe and secure and happy and loved. I was so sure of it.

And then morning came and my dream was washed away in the first touch of light. James isn't here and I haven't the slightest clue when he'd be back—if he'd be back. The novelty of having a child is nothing compared to the reality. Because the truth is, I can't support it on my own.

"I'm fine," I lie to Remus, offering a wan smile.

He doesn't press but I can tell he wants to. I wonder if he'll make some excuse to accompany me to my appointment this afternoon and how I'll be able to refuse him.

"I think I'm gonna go out again, try and see if there's anything I can find." Sirius decides.

"Where're you gonna look? You've already been everywhere." Peter asks.

"I'll search everywhere again. He can't have just disappeared into bloody thin air."

"Pads is right, he's out there somewhere." Remus claps Sirius on the back.

"Alright, then. I'm gonna go." Sirius stands and walks towards the door. "Moony, Worm, you lot coming with me?"

Peter and Remus exchange a glance. "Someone should stay here with Lils." Remus says finally.

"Why?" Sirius asks, a look of confusion passing over his face. It's the same one he wore last night when I refused to join them to talk to Dumbledore.

"I'll stay with her," Peter offers.

"No!" Remus exclaims. "I mean, no, that's okay. You'd probably be more help to Pads than me anyway 'cause, y'know…I'd be human." He trails stupidly.

Sirius and Peter exchange a look of their own before shrugging. "Oh…kay."

Remus and I walk them to the door where they apparate to Merlin knows where. Once they're gone, I slap Remus in the shoulder. "Smooth."

"Look, I'm sorry. I've just been so worried about you all night. I'm coming with you to the hospital tonight."

"Remus, you really don't have to. I'll be perfectly fine on my own." I assure him calmly.

"I know you would be, but you should've have to be alone."

"Fine." I give in begrudgingly. "But I have some stuff to take care of now. I'll see you later." I hold the door open for him hoping he takes the hint.

"Okay." He sighs softly before stepping out and apparating away, as well.

Breathing freely, I go back into the living room to finish my tea. But it's gone cold and it tastes wrong. I don't really have anything to do; I just wanted Remus to leave. I wanted them all to leave. I love them all to bits, I honestly do, and I appreciate how supportive and considerate of me they are. But it's nice to just breathe.

I place my hands on my tummy and picture myself heavily pregnant, complete with swollen ankles. The image feels forced and I wonder why I can't picture it.

_Maybe because you're not ready for that yet_.

Maybe because James isn't here.

I busy myself around the house and before I know it, Remus is knocking on my door. I step out and together we apparate to the maternity ward. I give my name to the lady at the front desk and she waves me in almost immediately.

"I'll be here." Remus says nervously.

"I know." I smile at him.

I meet Jessica and the door to see her eyeing Remus appreciatively.

"Nice." She winks before walking into the room ahead of me.

"What?"

"Your boyfriend is so fit. Your baby would be so cute." She gushes.

"Oh no, Remus and I aren't—wait, did you say _would?_" I blurt.

Jessica smiles brightly at me. "You're not pregnant." She confirms. "Your results show that you've been under tremendous stress recently and that can sometimes delay your cycle." She explains.

"But I'm almost a month late."

"Yes, well, that is odd. But things like this happen. It doesn't help that you haven't been protecting yourself."

I bite my lip. Isn't it funny that in all the talk James and I do about wanting to protect each other we never thought to be safe in our…activities?

"Have you been under a lot of stress, Lily?" Jessica asks kindly.

"Yes." I sigh. "James—my boyfriend, he's away at the moment. And with everything going on and with him MIA, I've just been worried about him. And then when I thought I was pregnant, it was all so much pressure."

Jessica places a hand on mine. "Don't you worry, Lils. You're perfectly all right. But I suggest you do something to de-stress. Also, use protection. We don't want something like this to happen again."

"Of course." I blush.

Jessica hands me a steaming potion that's cool to the touch. "Drink this, it'll help to induce your period and get you back on track. Try not to put yourself in any stressful situations in the next couple of days to let it work."

I do as she says, wincing as it goes down. It tastes even more awful than the last one.

"Thank you so much." I tell her. I stand from my perch on the crinkly hospital paper covered bench and walk towards the door.

"No problem."

We step out and she catches my arm. "You said that man isn't your boyfriend?" she asks, tilting her chin towards where Remus is sitting with a Quidditch magazine on his lap.

"No, he's just a friend." I answer coyly.

"Cute." She compliments before striding away. She throws a wave over her shoulder and disappears around a corner.

"I'm not pregnant." I state the second I'm in front of Remus.

His head snaps up and his eyes are wide. "What?"

"It was a false alarm. I'm not pregnant."

Remus jumps up and rubs his nose with his knuckles, almost punching himself in his haste. "That's great!"

He gathers me in a tight hug that knocks the wind out of me.

"It is," I agree. "I thought I'd be more disappointed, actually. I mean, I was actually starting to accept the fact that I might have to raise a child. But that's crazy, right? For Merlin's sake, I'm still a kid."

"No we're not," Remus says, leading me out of the hospital where we can apparate home. "We're adults now. We may still be teenagers, but we have responsibilities. We're fighting in a fucking war, don't you know?"

We take a moment to apparate back to my flat and as I'm opening the door, Remus continues his rant.

"I don't think we're ready to have kids yet, per se, but we're not _not_ ready. My point is, we're not kids anymore."

"Okay, we're not kids." I raise my palms in surrender.

"I'm sorry." He half-grins at me. "I'm just sick of that term. There's so much of the bad in the world that we've seen already and I don't think we can call ourselves kids or children or anything but_ adults_ anymore."

I think back to the way Jessica described Remus as _that man_ and it makes me stop. I regard Remus curiously for a moment and realize that he looks nothing like the little boy I used to know him as at school. I realize that for the longest time, the image of Remus and Sirius and Peter and even James has been the same as when we were eleven. Their behaviour might've changed, but they're still those prepubescent boys who almost wet themselves at Sorting. I guess that's what happens when you've known someone for so long, the image of who they used to be stays with you.

"You're right, Rem. We're not kids anymore." I say softly.

O.o

The morning of January 23rd arrives in a gust of wind that chills my entire flat to its core. I wanted to call in sick to work and just lie in bed all day. But alas, the responsible little gremlin inside of me refused to allow it. After another miserable day, I apparate home to find none other than Mr Potter sitting against the wall beside my front door.

"Mr Potter?" I say, realizing his eyes are closed.

He starts, looking around and then he spots me.

"Hullo, Lily." He smiles warmly.

"What're you doing here, it's freezing." I say, hurrying to open the front door and allow him warmth.

"Oh, I hardly felt it."

"That's because you're numb." I tell him sternly.

He chuckles softly and follows me in. "No point in arguing, is there?"

"You shouldn't've been out there like that, not in these dangerous times." I tell him, half joking and half dead serious.

"Yes, I suppose you're right. I wasn't there long anyhow, half an hour tops."

He takes a seat by my kitchen table and I put the kettle on for tea.

"You looked fast asleep."

"I'm a light sleeper."

I frown. "You still look exhausted."

He shrugs. "I just got back from a mission a few days ago. Is James around? He hasn't been home at all."

And then it hits me that Mr Potter has been away for almost as long as James has and he hasn't a clue what's been happening. He watches my face fall and his does as well.

"What's the matter?" He asks, sounding like a little boy whose about to find out his goldfish died while he was at school.

"James—he didn't come back from his mission. He's been missing for about three weeks, almost four." I say gently.

"_What?_" Mr Potter roars, unlike his son would.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were back and it certainly never occurred to me to tell you. I-I'm so sorry." I busy myself by making two large mugs of tea and I contemplate adding some brandy to his.

"I-I can't b-believe this." He stutters. "How can he be missing?"

I place his cup of tea on the table in front of him and a bottle of brandy beside it in case he'd like some. I lean against the counter with my cup in my hands.

"The lads are out right now looking for him. He's not captured or anything, so that's good. But he's been gone for so long, none of us know what that means anymore."

"Tell me everything, Lily." Mr Potter asks, titling a few inches of brandy into his steaming cup. The fragrance fills the flat and makes my eyes water.

I fill him in, leaving no detail out—that relates to his son' disappearance, no need to touch on my little scare or trip to Snape. He waits patiently as I speak, taking gulps of tea at the rough parts. By the end of my tale, the man seems to have aged a significant amount of years.

"Thank you for filling me in." He says after I finish.

"Of course! And if I'd known you'd been home, I would've told you sooner. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way."

He shrugs again and stands, pushing his empty teacup away from him. "I think I ought to be going now."

"Oh no, won't you stay a while longer? There's no reason you should have to wait alone." I say, following him to the front door.

"No, Lily. I think I'd _rather_ be alone, no offence to you. I just…need to be." As if in a daze, Mr Potter leaves my home in favour of his own. I think about following him and refusing to leave him in such a shocked state, but I decide against it.

Poor Mr Potter, probably thinking the absolute worst. Much the same as I did when I first found out, I must admit. What if James really was dead? I'd asked myself that question so many times in the first week or so. He's the only person I have left. Sure, I have the lads and Greta and Benjy, but James is my rock. Without him I'd've lost everyone important to me.

I realize his father must feel the same. All that old man has is his son and his house elves. I don't know if he has any friends that he considers family or siblings or anyone else he might be close with. Didn't James mention an uncle a while ago? If James were gone, he'd truly have no one.

I shake my head stubbornly, trying to rid myself of such terrible thoughts. Being negative never helped me before. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I fix myself something small to eat and another cup of tea, adding half an inch of brandy to it this time. Now that I know I'm not pregnant I can potentially get bladdered and not give a damn. I don't want to get drunk, though, so I sip quietly from my cup and wish for morning.

O.o

I get my period two days after that disastrous debacle. I'm so happy to see red; I skip around the flat humming to myself. I think I'll visit Mr Potter today and see how he's doing. I've been worried sick over him and how he must be handling the news of his only son being MIA for so long.

But first: work.

I arrive at the hospital in time to see a gurney rushing past into the operating room. Something very serious must be going on.

"What's happening?" I ask Healer Chesney who's behind the desk looking over some papers.

"A duel with some Death Eaters. Five Aurors were injured. They're queuing up for some intense surgical magic as we speak." He answers frowning deeply.

"Merlin, and I thought today wasn't going to be that busy."

He laughs shortly before returning to his serious expression. "Well, it's all hands on deck. We'll need to see you in the OR in five minutes."

Chesney walks down the hall brusquely, his silver hair bouncing in shiny waves on the top of his head. I swear he's gotten so much older in the past few weeks. I watch the other healers and nurses running around before hopping to it myself.

It is indeed a busy day with all hands on deck. I barely have a moment to breathe after my second operation. The Death Eaters seem to have adapted a sort of Muggle tactic, ironically, in the shape of Dart Spells that are exactly how they sound. Streams of sharp—thankfully un-poisoned—darts are expelled from the wand and lodges into the flesh of the wizard the wand is pointed at. Mad painful by the looks of it.

By the end of the day I'm sporting a massive headache and my neck feels too weak to support my head. I need a nice long bath with 87 different kinds of bubbles and scorching hot water. I depart feeling sick and tired yet determined not to end the day. There's just something about saving so many lives that makes you realize that something _good_ can happen at any moment.

So I soldier on. And as soon as I get home I drop my hospital bag and exchange it for my purse. I'm going to pay Mr Potter that visit and let him know that I'm here for him. After all, who knows when _his_ next mission will be?

I grab my keys and swing the door open, ready to disappear on the spot when—

"_Peter_?" I ask, noticing the man standing in front of me with his hand poised for knocking. "What're you doing here?"

"Lily, I'm so glad I caught you!" He exclaims, a genuine light in his eyes.

"James—they found him!"

O.o

I arrive at headquarters with as fogged a mind as one can have. After I got over the shock of what Pete had said, I sent him over to the Potter's to tell James' dad and then apparated here myself. I look around and see a massive crowd forming in the back room. Everyone seems to be wearing happy yet worried expressions.

I push my way through, elbowing every unmoving body out of the way, when finally I see him.

Godric, he's gorgeous.

I just want to kick him in the shins.

I rush forward, knocking everyone out of my way.

"Move!" I finally yell, realizing a second later that it's Greta who's wearing a rather amused expression.

"Lily," Sirius steps forward and clutches my upper arms. "Please calm down, he's a bit overwhelmed."

"Of course," I say straightening my blouse. "But please kindly _move_."

He steps out of the way and for the first time in a month there is nothing standing between me and the man I love. I rush forward, stopping until I'm standing right in front of him. Our knees bump together and he's smiling at me in that way of his that makes my stomach do that swooping thing. I feel as if the floor might drop out from under me.

"Hi," He breathes, taking my hands in his. He's sitting on a plush velveteen chair with Dumbledore and Remus sitting on either side of him. For their part, they try to make themselves scarce.

"Hi?" I ask, a lump forming in my throat. "That's it?"

"I missed you."

At that, the tears start falling in single drops that splash against my collarbone and disappear below my shirt. I launch myself into his arms, clutching him tightly as if he isn't actually there.

But he is and it's wonderful.

Nothing in this world can compare to the feeling of having James in my arms once again. It's something all on it's own. Something so indescribably brilliant that cannot possibly be articulated. I feel the blood surge through my body at his touch, one I'd been craving for so long. How could I have lasted so long with out him? I must be stronger than I thought.

But in this moment, I allow myself to be weak. I crumple into him and soak the collar of his shirt with salty tears. And he holds me back just as tightly. I can feel his heartbeat against mine and I can feel the spot on my head where his tears are landing on my hair.

I shift onto the cushioned seat of the chair, straddling his lap so that we're locked in this tightly woven embrace.

Hesitantly, we pull away and I drink in every minute detail of his fine features.

"Is it really you?" I croak. I wipe the water from my eyes with shaking fingers.

"I sure hope it's me or else I'd be pretty pissed off of you hugging some random bloke like that." He says with a teasing smile.

I sob a laugh before pulling him towards me again. "I love you _so_ much_._" I say into the crook of his neck.

"And I love _you_ so much." He replies, smoothing my hair with both hands. He pries my face away from his shoulder and presses his forehead against mine. "I love you this much." He kisses my nose and it sends a shiver down my spine. "And this much." He kisses my right cheek much to the same effect. "And this much." He kisses my left cheek. "And this much." He kisses my bottom lip with the most feather light of touches. "And I love you with every fibre of my being."

The kiss he gives me next can only be explained by magic. Every violin that's ever been made starts playing. Every dove that has ever lived has been released. Every firework that has ever been lit is resurrected. Every metaphor that has ever been used can be used again. Because the kiss James gives me is everything and more. And that is not an exaggeration.

We pull away finally, our breathing more than a little ragged. I look away blushingly to find that neither Dumbledore nor Remus is beside us. I shift a little and turn to look behind and find that the room is completely empty.

"Oh," I say softly.

James nudges my neck with his nose. "Looks like they all took a hint."

I turn back with a smile and kiss his lips, which sends a trill through my body. "And what hint would that be?"

"To stop badgering me with questions and let me alone with my girl." He answers kissing the underside of my chin.

"I have questions, too." I say, my eyes fluttering closed as he continues to kiss my neck.

"I'm sure they can wait."

"James, as much as I _love_ doing this with you, I really think we ought—"

"_James!_" A loud voice calls from behind and the door is slammed open. "My boy!"

I climb off of him just in time for Mr Potter to barrel into James, hoist him up by the shoulders and gather him in a bone-crushing hug.

"You stupid, irresponsible, headstrong, _foolish,_ little child! How dare you go off and get yourself lost. You have proven to me once and for all that you are _not_ ready to be let out of my sight for this silly dream of yours to follow in my lousy footsteps. I _forbid_ you from ever leaving our home again. _Do you understand me?"_ Mr Potter roars, still holding James firmly to his chest.

"Dad, please. Godric, Lily is right there." James' muffled voice makes him sound like a whiney kid.

"James Adrian Potter I am _so_ not having it with you right now. Did you know I had to find out _days_ after my mission that you were missing? I got home to an empty house worrying myself sick over where you must be. Finally I worked up the courage to go over to Lily's home, prepared to _force_ you two apart only for her to tell me that you weren't even there. She didn't know where you were! You worried that poor girl sick as well!"

"Dad, I'm sorry." James mumbles, ruffling his hair in that infuriating habit of his that I missed so much. I don't even care that his father is yelling him at right now; I've never loved him more.

Mr Potter heaves a large sigh and ruffles his own hair. "I'm just _so_ glad you're safe, son."

"So am I." James mumbles again. "I missed you, dad."

They hug again, clapping each other on the back awkwardly. Yet neither of them let go until a moment or two has passed.

The three of us look at each other, no one knowing quite what to say. How many times have I imagined this moment? And still, I don't know what to do. I never pictured it like this. I never really pictured him here, within touching distance.

Which reminds me: why are we not touching?

I step closer to James and lace my fingers through his. I wrap both of my arms around the length of his, hugging his side. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, breathing in the scent of sweat and…is that soap?

I open my eyes and see Mr Potter gazing at us with such gentleness.

"Dad,"

"Okay, son, let's start from the beginning."

* * *

**A/N:** _Yay, James is back! How about you all leave a review telling me how happy you are? I love you all so much and I'll see you next time!_

_-FallingForFootie_

_P.S. I'm hurt you lot actually thought Lily was pregnant. I mean, come on. _

_Next Chapter: May, 20._


	25. Before they outlaw the kiss

**A/N:** _To clear things up: right now in the story it's 1978. Lily and James get married sometime this year and Lily doesn't become __pregnant with Harry until November-ish of 1979 :)_

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Before they outlaw the kiss**

We call Dumbledore and the lads back in before James starts his story. He sits back in the chair and I sit beside him in Remus' old place, holding his hand over the armrest. James tries to stall. He keeps making excuses for not explaining what happened. He complains that he's tired and can't think straight right now.

"Maybe we should give him some time," Sirius says nervously, skirting around James' chair.

"I'm afraid it would be best for Mr Potter to explain everything now. He's been gone for a long time, I for one am eager to hear the tale." Dumbledore answers.

James frowns and bites his lip. "It's not that interesting," He mumbles.

"James, just try." I urge him, squeezing his hand in support.

He takes a deep breath before opening his mouth. It takes a few attempts before he can get anything out. "Well, I guess I should start from when I lost sight of Padfoot."

They were in the midst of a duel between Death Eaters and some Aurors. They, as part of the mission, were dressed as Death Eaters and were having a hard time keeping track of each other. It was only Sirius and him at the time because everyone had split up in order to search the Dark Lord's hideout that they'd found. Sirius had given the signal to apparate to the safe spot a little ways away when James got hit by a curse. It threw him back against a wall and he cut his leg really badly. He was losing a lot of blood very fast so when he tried to apparate to the safe spot, he messed up and landed in a tiny forest miles away.

James'd been splinched in his attempt, which caused his manageable cut to turn into a massive one. Naturally, James tried to heal it himself but he ended up passing out.

The next thing he knew, he was in a room on a bed with a splitting headache. A Muggle found him while on a hike and took him back to his cottage to have him looked after. The man's name was Jacob Hollinger and he lived with his wife, Belinda and their six-year-old daughter Harriet.

At first James was confused about what had happened and he was terrified of what they might've known of magic. He didn't, after all, know where his wand was. But the family was kind to him and they didn't ask him many questions about his circumstance. He told him what he could and did some creative story telling when he had to. But he didn't like lying to them; it felt wrong seeing as they were being so kind. The only real curious one was little Harriet who liked to ask him personal questions about his interests and where he came from.

His wand was safely tucked into the pocket of his Death Eater robe along with his invisibility cloak. They'd stripped it off of him and set it aside unsearched when they'd cleaned him off when he first arrived.

He'd wanted to come home as fast as possible, but Belinda insisted he stayed until he was properly healed. So he stayed, biding his time until he could say he was better. At night, James would perform minor healing spells so that the cut on his leg could heal rapidly, but slow enough to seem natural.

The reason he didn't apparate straight home or to mine or to one of the lads' is because Jacob insisted on driving him in to London. James couldn't refuse and had him drop him off by the Leakey Cauldron. That's where Caradoc found him. He was coming out of the pub when he saw James and apparated him to Headquarters immediately.

"I told you it wasn't that interesting." James mumbles. He blushes and looks away and ruffles his hair embarrassedly.

I stare at him in awe, completely stunned by the knowledge of what happened during all those nights I wondered about. Quite anticlimactic compared to the devastation I'd pictured. But Merlin, am I thankful for this version instead. I take stock fully of James' appearance. I didn't do much scrutinizing before. He looks much tanner and a little fuller around the cheeks. Belinda must've stuffed him good with a lot of home cooking. There are scars scattering his face and hands and there's a cut through his left eyebrow that makes him look dangerous. He looks like he's been through something difficult.

"That's quite the adventure." Dumbledore says softly.

"It's the truth." James answers with an edge.

Dumbledore smiles. "I was not suggesting otherwise. You must be exhausted coming from such a long way."

"I am," he sighs.

"Get some rest, Mr Potter. You've been very brave." The old man claps James on the shoulder before turning to shuffle away. "Oh, and I am _very_ pleased to have you back." He winks before leaving.

"James, son, we should get you home."

James looks up at his father torpidly. "Yeah, okay."

"Is it all right if we come, too?" Sirius asks Mr Potter sheepishly.

"Of course, Sirius. You lot know our home is your home." He answers with a smile. He stands and starts for the door. The lads trail behind him.

"I suppose I'll be seeing you?" I ask shyly.

"Aren't you coming?" James asks surprised.

"I don't know. I mean, I _want_ to. But d'you think it'd be all right?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"What about your dad?"

"Who cares? Lily, I've just spent a bloody month away from you and do you know what I thought about the entire time? Coming home and seeing you again. That's all I wanted. I think my dad will understand that."

"In that case, I'd _love_ to come home with you."

James kisses my hand and we follow his father and the lads outside. When we arrive at the house, we see that the house elves have prepared a large pot of tea and James' favourite treacle tart. Sirius, Remus and Peter and Mr Potter draw up chairs and start doling out slices.

"I'm not very hungry." James says refusing his.

"What?" Peter chokes. "Prongs, it's treacle tart."

"I know, Wormy." James says with a slight smile. "But I just don't want any, okay?" He gives a two-fingered salute and starts to leave. James is still holding my hand and he stops when he realizes I haven't moved with him. "Lily?"

"You go on, get cleaned up. I'll be up in a second." I assure him, squeezing his hand before I let go.

He nods once and then he's gone.

When I hear his footsteps disappear up the stairs and the faint slam of his door I collapse onto an empty chair.

"I'm so worried about him." I say.

"He'll be all right, won't he?" Peter bristles.

Sirius, Remus and Mr Potter shake their heads.

"He did seem pretty shaken after telling us what happened." Remus notes. "I think it's starting to catch up to him."

"The duel—I didn't realize he'd been hit. Godric, I should've stayed with him. We should've side-along." Sirius groans.

"It's not your fault." Mr Potter says, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder.

"It feels like it is."

"Sirius, you had no way of knowing he'd been hit. Just be thankful he got away and that he's safe." I'm a smidge annoyed that he's making this about him.

"Lily's right. He'll come around and until then, we'll just have to be supportive." Mr Potter agrees.

"I'm going to check on him." I stand and push in my chair. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," They echo.

I go to my room first and strip down to my knickers and camisole before padding carefully to his room. James is lying on his back in his bed, the covers pulled halfway up his bare chest. His hands are folding behind his head and he's staring up at the ceiling as if there's something important written there.

"James?" I say, walking closer. "Are you okay?"

He flicks his eyes towards me before resuming his staring match with the stencilled drywall. I climb onto the bed and sit cross-legged facing him. I don't say anything; I just watch his expressionless face.

"I feel like I'm in a dream." I say after a long stretch of silence.

"Why?" He asks.

"I pictured going to bed with you again about a hundred times. I can hardly believe it's actually happening."

"Oh how the tables have turned." He teases, cupping my calf with a rough hand and rubbing it over my skin.

"James, I can't tell you how grateful I am that you're here. I-I imagined all these _awful_ things happening to you. A-and to find out that the whole time you were perfectly all right lying in some family's cottage? My heart both soars and hurts at the thought."

James looks away. "I know I should've reached out. Sent a patronus or just healed myself and gotten the hell out of there. But—I don't know. Something just stopped me from coming back. I missed you so much. Every second I wished I could see you and the lads and my father again. I-I ached for you. But still, there was something there."

Tears brim in my eyes and I wonder how I could have any left. "Something there that stopped you from coming back to me?"

I know he isn't telling me this to hurt me. That it probably has nothing to do with me. But how do I stop it from hurting? He was safe and sound the entire time and he chose to stay away.

James lets go of my leg and covers his face with his palms. The cold air attacks the skin where his hand had been and spreads across my body. I shiver.

"I don't know." He moans. "It was so _peaceful_ there and so beautiful. And the Hollingers! They were brilliant to me, Lils. They treated me like family. They never once pressed me for answers when I know they must've been bursting! Can you even imagine that kind of trust and kindness in a person, let alone two? They welcomed me into their home; they helped me even though I was a stranger. A bloodied, half dead stranger! For all they knew, I could've been caught up in something dangerous. Hell, I _was_. But they didn't let that stop them from helping me anyway. I just—I couldn't get over how much hospitality they showed me. I forgot there were good people in this world."

"So why now? Why did you choose to come back now?"

"Because of you and the lads and my dad! You are my whole life. I didn't belong there and I didn't want to overstay my welcome…I-I missed you. I wanted—_needed_—to see you again. I couldn't last any longer."

"Why should I believe that?" I ask quietly.

"Why shouldn't you?" James asks back incredulously. I feel ridiculous even asking that.

"Maybe because you stayed away for so long? You let me worry myself sick over you." I say, a tear dropping on my cheek and making its slow decent.

James sits up and reaches over, wiping it away with the pad of his thumb. "I know, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry." I repeat.

He cups my face, the bruised skin of his hands scratching me. "I'm here now." He whispers, leaning in. His lips are an inch from mine. Our breaths mix together, filling my head. The smell of him drives me wild and I want nothing more than to snog him until my lips are numb.

Hesitantly, I reach a hand up and touch his cheek. "Are you, really?"

"Yes," He breathes before leaning forward and pressing his mouth to mine.

We continue to kiss. James falls backwards, pulling me with him, and wraps his arms around my shoulders. I feel his hands travel down my back and I arch into him, wanting to be closer. His fingers slip under the hem of my camisole and press into the small of my back.

"James, not tonight." I mumble, kissing his bottom lip chastely.

"Why not?" He scoffs.

"Because it's late and I _know_ you're exhausted." I rub my nose against his neck.

"I'm never too tired." He says with a smile.

"Please, can we just sleep together? Just-just hold me." I pull him on his side and curl into him, pressing my chest against his, resting my head by the crook of his neck, and holding his waist.

"Sure, Lils. Sure." He holds me tightly.

I feel him bury his nose in my hair and within a few minutes, his breathing evens and he's fast asleep. I lie cradled in his arms feeling lighter than air. James is back and he's safe and he's whole. The weight of worry has left leaving me buoyant with relief. The only act of gravity comes from knowing that James could've been home sooner and he chose to stay away.

A part of me knows that dwelling on it won't do any good. It doesn't change anything. He's back now, what's the problem? Harping on it will only serve to tear us apart and there's no way I'll allow more distance between us.

Another part of me is hurt by it. I've been through a pregnancy scare—the worst thing to be alone for—all by myself. Okay no, Remus was here. But it should've been James.

_It's not his fault, he didn't know._

He would've if he was here.

I dismiss the thought and nuzzle into James' chest. This is where I belong.

O.o

Waking up in James' arms, I've never felt so happy to see the sun, to know that I'm _alive_ to see the sun. James is still fast asleep and he's snoring softly. I see a cut on the bridge of his nose that looks several weeks old. I reach up and trace it with my finger. I realize that in all the time apart, my image of him didn't fade a bit. I know instances of not being able to remember certain things about people while you're away from them—my parents when I was away at Hogwarts and even now that they're gone for example. But with James, it didn't happen at all.

I want to stay in bed with him forever but after an hour of staring at him, I realize I have to pee. So I wiggle out of his arms and sneak to his bathroom. I've never been in here before, surprisingly. It looks like the one in my room only with James' toothbrush in the holder and a collection of cologne bottles and gels and shaving cream on the counter.

I use the facilities and then go back into James' room. He's still passed out, except he's moved so that he's hugging himself beneath the sheets. I smile and kiss his forehead. I decide to let him sleep and head down for breakfast.

"Good to see you're up." Remus comments from over the newspaper he's reading.

"What time is it?" I yawn. A house elf pops in and hands me a cup of tea before disappearing again.

"Almost noon." He answers.

"Evans, are those your knickers?" Sirius asks loudly from behind me.

I blush an embarrassing shade of red. The boys laugh and high-five.

"I think I'll just go change…" I scurry out of the room and up to my own. I only have what I was wearing last night so I slip it on and brush out my bird-nested hair. When I return to the kitchen, the boys burst into laughter again.

"Where's Prongs?" Remus asks, being the first to recover.

"Still asleep."

"Wore him out good last night, did you?" Sirius winks.

I blush for a second time and avoid Remus' look. "I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response."

"You just did, love." Sirius grins.

"Fine, then _no_. We just slept." I say, picking up the cup of tea I'd left.

"Hey, no need to explain yourself to me. What you two do behind closed doors is completely up to you. Just be safe is—"

"Enough, Padfoot." Remus snaps. "That's enough."

Sirius shrugs. "Say, Evans, don't you have work?"

"Shit!" I yell, jumping up. "Fuck, I completely forgot." I drain the last of my tea, burning my tongue in the process.

"Relax, Lily, I owled the hospital and told them that you're sick and can't make it in." Remus says calmly.

"You did?" I ask surprised.

"Of course I did. I wasn't gonna let you go to work the day after Prongs came home." He answers with a smile.

"Remus, you're the best." I circle the table and hug him tightly. "Thanks for taking care of me."

He pats my hand. "No problem."

"What're the plans then for today?" Sirius asks, leaning far back in his chair.

Remus and I shrug. What was there to do now that we no longer need to worry? I can hardly remember what we used to do before. How can we get back to that as if nothing has happened?

"Well I reckon we should get the full story, don't you? I want details, not just some edited version for Dumbledore and his dad." Sirius crosses his arms over his chest.

"We shouldn't push." Says Remus.

I shake my head "No, I agree with Sirius. I think it'll help us to know what he went through while he was away. Help us understand what they did for him."

Remus rolls his eyes, "Whatever."

James doesn't make it down the stairs until almost three. His hair is even more messy than usual and he's rubbing sleep from his eyes. He doesn't look 18 anymore.

"Morning," He says when he sees us gathered around the kitchen table. He kisses me on the cheek and flops into the vacant chair next to me. "Where's Wormy?"

"Had to check in with his mum. She's gotten even more paranoid." Sirius answers.

James nods and digs into the plate of food Spinet has brought for him. He groans as he swallows and his eyes roll slightly back into his head. "This is the best thing I've ever tasted."

We all laugh. "So what'd they feed you in…wherever you were?"

"It was some forest up North." James answers. "And Belinda's cooking was good but it's not like this." He answers.

"That can't be all you have to say. C'mon Prongs, it's just us here. Give us some details!" Says Sirius.

"What do you want to know?"

We spend the next hour and a half grilling James about everything. I finally begin to understand why he didn't want to leave the Hollingers. They seemed like _really_ amazing people. They live in a rural town up north, their house up a hill shielded by a thick cover of trees—where James landed. Jacob worked in town and Belinda stayed home taking care of their six-year-old daughter Harriet. They never outright asked James what kind of trouble he was in, but they talked with him about the current state of England and all they've noticed.

"I'm sure they suspected something, but they minded their own business that way."

Belinda tended to James' wounds like a mother and Harriet like a little sister who refused to leave him alone. She hardly left his side the entire time he was there.

"She was…the sweetest little girl I've ever met. Lily—you would've loved her little blonde ringlet curls. And she had the prettiest blue eyes…"

And the way he spoke about that little girl melted my heart. I thought about the baby that could've been growing inside of me and how much love he or she would've gotten from their father. I stare at James talking animatedly about all the cute things she said and the places she dragged him to when he was able to walk. The games she made him play and how by the end of it, he was the one who wanted to play. And as he drew to the conclusion of his story, I saw the tears misting his eyes as he told us how she cried when he told her he was leaving.

I look at Sirius and Remus and see that they, too, are watching James with the same carefulness as I am. The look of glee on their faces tells me that they wish they were with James every minute of his adventure. They wanted to be given fake tea to drink and had Muggle fairytales read to them at night. They wanted to share this experience with him, not in a selfish way, but in a wanting to be there way.

"Quidditch?" James asks when he's done.

"Quidditch." The two confirm.

"It's freezing out there!" I exclaim, jumping up and out of my reverie.

The boys look at each other. "Indoor Quidditch?" James asks.

"Indoor Quidditch." They confirm.

I'm about to ask what Indoor Quidditch is but they're already out the door. I wait at the foot of the stairs as they trudge back down, carrying their brooms over their shoulders.

"What are you guys doing?" I ask.

"Playing Quidditch." James answers like I'm stupid.

"Yes, but how? You guys could break something."

"Nah," He shakes his head. "We never have before. It's basically just flying around the house and throwing the quaffle through different things. It'd be much easier if Moaning Myrtle were here. _50 points if you get it through her head!_" He laughs.

"You boys are terrible." I scold, but I can't help smiling. I bite my lip. "I guess there's nothing really for me to do here…I should get home." I say.

"Why? No, stay. You can play with us!" He takes my hands.

I laugh. "Oh no, no thank you. Come visit me tonight?"

"Absolutely." He grins. He leans down and captures my lips in a kiss that makes me want to pull him into the cupboard under the stairs.

"Bye…" I trail lazily.

"Bye."

I wave to the lads and James walks me to the front door.

"Later?"

I fist the front of his shirt and pull him towards me. "Later," I kiss him lingeringly on the mouth.

O.o

Later is 9 o'clock when I hear a faint knock on my balcony door.

"I'll never understand why you do this when you could just use the front door." I say, pulling him in.

"I know," He swoops down and kisses my nose and it sends a bolt of electricity down to my toes.

I don't know how I was able to leave him this afternoon. It felt wrong just going back to my flat like everything was normal and it had only been hours not weeks since I last saw him. But maybe that's the only way to get through it, to continue on with our lives as usual. We can't change the past. But we can change the way we feel about it.

"Miss me?"

"More than you know." I start walking towards the kitchen to put the kettle on.

"That chair looks more perfect there than I imagined." He says from behind the wall.

I smile to myself. "I know. I love it so much. Thank you."

I feel him behind me and then his hands are on my waist and his lips are on my skin. "I'm sorry I missed Christmas. I'm sorry I missed New Years. I'm sorry I missed our anniversary. I'm sorry I missed your birthday. But I'm going to make all of that up to you. Starting tonight and every day until you can forgive me."

I spin in his arms and he treads his fingers behind me. I grip his collar tightly. "There's nothing to forgive, James." I say, looking him straight in the eyes. "Listening to you talk today…it made me realize that there are things you've been through that I'm probably never going to understand or even _know_. But they're going to make you who you are and I _love_ who you are. I always will."

He shakes his head, "How are you not angry still angry with me?"

I grin and press my nose to his neck. "I don't want to waste time being angry. I don't want to tiptoe around you because you've been missing and now suddenly you're not…I don't know how I'm supposed to act right now but I know I'm not going to spend time being dramatic or-or blaming you for things that don't matter. We can't ignore it…but why can't we?"

James smooths my hair and down my back with both of his hands then he cups my face and tilts it so he can look at me. "We can. Let's just pretend nothing between the day I left and now even happened."

"Okay,"

James kisses me, for real this time. His tongue fills my mouth, exploring every crevice that he hadn't before. I push my hands through his hair and holding his head steady. I nibble his bottom lip and he groans lowly at the back of his throat. His hands clamp at my hips possessively, his fingers biting into my skin. I tug at the top of his collar, trying to pull it over his head.

James obliges me and soon we're walking backwards and stumbling into my room. James hooks his arms below my knees and picks me up, locking my legs behind his back. Together, we collapse onto my unmade bed and he rolls over, pinning me beneath him. He attacks my neck with open-mouthed kisses and he sucks on the hollow behind my ear.

I hear the whistle of the kettle and James produces his wand from the back pocket of his jeans, flicks his wrist and all is silent save for our ragged breathing. James wastes no more time shedding my shirt and unclasping my bra. I hear his belt buckle clinking and soon those are off, too.

"Why do I feel like I'm the one doing all the work?" James laughs, not giving me the chance to answer before he kisses me again.

I close my eyes, enjoying the kiss before I have to ruin it. "James, stop." I say reluctantly.

"Why?" He asks against my mouth.

"Because we need to talk."

That stops him. He draws away with a groan and sits up. "Okay, what do we need to talk about _right this second_?"

"Sex."

"What about it?"

I sigh, closing my eyes for a second to gather the strength to talk about the last thing I want to talk about right now. Oh to be young and irresponsible again…

"James, there's something I need to tell you…As much as I love the idea of forgetting everything that happened in the last month, there's something you need to know."

He looks at me expectantly.

"I-I—my period was late." I start. I glance up at him and see that the colour has drained from his face. "And I thought I was pregnant—I'm not though, so don't worry. But I could've been. And-and I can't tell you how terrified I was to think that I might have a baby and I didn't even know where you were. I kept thinking about how I would manage if-if you never came back, how I would manage on my own."

"Lily, I'm so—"

"James, I love you and I love when we're _together_. But we have to be more responsible about it. When and if we decide at a much later date that we're ready to take care of another person, then perfect. But for right now? At this time with everything going on with the war and with us having only been together for a year…I think—I think it's time to cover him up." I pat him over his boxers and he blushes.

"Yes, I mean, okay. Yes. I understand…you thought you were _pregnant_?" James stutters.

I nod. "It was terrifying."

"What did you do?"

I tell him about my many panic attacks and how Remus helped me and, of course, the lecture he gave me about using protection.

"Trust Moony to give my girlfriend the sex talk." James rolls his eyes.

"He was very wonderful though it all." I nod.

"So does this mean we can still have sex as long as we use a Contraception Charm?" James asks.

"Do they have those?" I wonder. "I was going to suggest the Muggle way."

James snorts. "They have a charm for everything. And it's 100% effective. Not like those flawed Muggle inventions that do nothing except get in the way."

"If you know so much about this stuff why didn't you think of it before?" I scold him.

"You know I can't think clearly around you." He leans into me and places a kiss underneath my jaw.

I hum quietly. "Likewise."

O.o

I don't know how, but in the weeks following James' arrival it's as if he was never gone at all. We slip into our usual routines; James and I spend as much time together as possible outside of work and the Order and spending time with friends and, in his case, family. Soon the snow melts and the weather turns warm—well, as warm as it can for England.

"Quidditch again, boys?" I ask, appearing at the Potters'.

"James' dad won't have us playing in the house since we broke that antique lamp." Remus explains.

"It was my grandmum's." James says sadly.

"Join us?" Peter asks, rocking back and forth on his broom like a child.

"Then the teams will be uneven, nitwit." Sirius hits him round the back of his head.

"Except for the fact that having Lils on a team won't be much of an advantage." James jokes, nudging Sirius in the gut.

I narrow my eyes at him. "Want to repeat that, Potter?"

"No, Evans, I don't." He grins.

"You two are so weird!" Remus yells and zooms away.

The Potters' land is protected by a plethora of spells making the land unplottable and impenetrable so I'm not worried about them flying around like this. At least, not anymore. The lads have been playing Quidditch every day since the weather turned and in all the time together, they've reverted to being fourth years.

"When you're finished I'll be in the library." I say, heading towards the house.

"Wait, hold on." I hear James call, and a second later, his feet as he runs towards me.

"Oi, there's a game going on here!" Sirius scowls.

"Just give me a minute." James yells back.

"But that's 55 seconds more than you need!" Sirius wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

"_Shut up, Padfoot_!" James, Remus and Peter yell in unison.

I laugh and bury my face in my hands, embarrassed. "Grow up." I mutter, not unlike a fourth year myself.

James draws me close to the house, pecks my cheek once and gathers my hands in his own.

"Yes?" I ask, wondering if he's going to tell me the reason for inviting me over today.

"What're you doing this weekend?" He asks.

"Mm, nothing yet." I answer. "Why, what did you have in mind?" I ask coyly.

"I want to take you somewhere and to be honest, I'm not sure if you'll appreciate it. I think you will, but I...I just want to." He smiles.

I laugh nervously. "Okay,"

"Okay."

"Is this like a date? Should I dress fancy?" I ask.

"No, I mean, kind of. Comfortably but nicely? It's not really a date but it's important."

I bite my lip, my curiosity more than a little piqued. "Are you gonna give me a hint?"

"Nope." He kisses my nose and runs off to resume his game.

I proceed to the library where I ponder what James could be planning that involves me looking nice but not in a date way, but still comfortable. Is there anything important happening this weekend?

I continue to fret up until the moment I open my door for James the day of. He's wearing a neat button down and black slacks. I'm wearing a white sundress over black nylons and my hair is pulled back, tied half-up, half-down. I'm also wearing his antler necklace and the earrings Remus bought me for my birthday.

"You look great." James lets out a breath, nervously?

"Thanks, so do you." I tell him.

He holds out his arm. "Shall we?"

"We shall." I take his arm and he apparates us to a deserted unfamiliar side street.

He pulls me forward by the hand and walks us towards a small plot of land with a sign that reads "Private Property".

"Where are we?" I ask.

He takes a deep breath. "Lily, I think it's time you met my mother."

"What?"

He walks us through the wrought iron gates and towards a glittering white tombstone. "This is the Potter grave yard, so to speak, in Godric's Hollow." James explains. "Every Potter to ever live is buried here."

"In a Muggle neighbourhood?" I ask.

"It's protected, of course, so that Muggles walk right past it. But yes, in a Muggle neighbourhood. It's safe here. And it shows that we can lie beside Muggles in peace. I'm going to be buried here one day."

"One day very far in the future." I say, wrapping my arm around his.

"Hey, mum." James says to the stone. "There's someone I want you to meet. Her name's Lily Evans." He laughs. "You never did think you'd live to see the day Lily Evans gave me the time, huh? But it's come. I just wish you were wrong."

"Hello Mrs. Potter." I say thickly. "It's nice to meet you."

"She would've loved to meet you for real." James says sadly.

I ignore him. "I love your son," I say. "And he loves me. And we're happy together."

James squeezes my hand and we stand in silence, watching his mum's tombstone glitter in the fading sunlight.

"Let's go," James says finally, pulling me away. His voice is rough and I know he's holding back tears. I don't question why he wanted to do this now, though. I don't think it matters.

"Can we go visit my parents?" I ask him on a whim.

"Sure." He answers and I can see a hint of a smile poking through.

We apparate to the graveyard where my parents are buried and I walk brusquely to where I know they'll be. I haven't visited my dad in years and I've never visited my mum. I meant to after I went to Hestia's house last year, but I never got the chance. Seeing the two headstones lying side by side the way they are makes me burst instantly into tears.

Those are my parents. Where they'll be forever from this day forward. They're Muggles who died a Muggle death and who will stay among Muggles for the rest of their residual existence.

"They died as humans, Lils. Not Muggles." James tells me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I bury my face in his neck.

"I want to see my house." I say, pulling away from him.

"Show me the way,"

We land at the end of my childhood street. The nostalgia of riding my bike up and down this sidewalk and climbing those trees by that park washes over me like a tidal wave of emotion. I clutch James' hand for support as we walk towards my old house.

It's overrun with weeds and unkempt grass. The fence is broken from vandalism. The For Sale sign my sister had put up is still hanging there, blowing in the early spring breeze. She'd abandoned it just like she'd abandoned me.

Without really thinking, I push open the gate and start up the walk. I unlock the front door with my wand and enter the house. It surprises me how familiar everything looks. The same coloured walls and the same ugly carpet. The same squeaky floorboards and the same cracked light fixture.

Like a ghost, I float through the empty rooms, unaware of James' presence behind me. There are scraps of paper littered here and there and there's a decomposing used tea bag sitting on the kitchen counter.

Slowly, I make my way up the stairs, pausing at the landing and looking down over the bottom floor like I used to when I was a kid. The doors are all wide open and I peer into my sister's room, the guest room, my parents' room, the bathroom and finally, my room at the back of the house. My furniture is still there: the chest of drawers, my nightstand and my bed. There's still a poster of Bette Davis on the inside of my closet door.

"I can't believe she left this place here to rot. Like it doesn't matter to her." I spit.

"Maybe it doesn't." James says from behind me.

"How could you say that?" I spin around to face him. "This is our childhood home."

"I'm just saying, maybe she'd rather forget."

I look down, knowing he's completely right. Petunia was never one for sentimentality and I know she'd rather forget all about me and my freakishness.

I spot the window and in a burst of inspiration, I push it open and climb onto the sloping roof.

"Lily!" James exclaims, running behind me and catching my arm. "What're you doing?"

"Relax, I used to do this all the time as a kid." I shake him off and settle myself into the familiar shingles. "Come join me," I pat the space next to me.

"You're crazy." James shakes his head but climbs out next to me anyway.

I lie back and pull him down next to me. He wraps his arms around my shoulder and I rest my head against his chest, breathing him in. The sun has dipped low along the horizon leaving only a strip of pink sky and the rest a black canvas dotted with a smattering of stars. It's painfully gorgeous and it hurts my heart. Of all the things that have happened in the past year, this view strikes me the most poignant.

"This is really dangerous, y'know." James says, shifting his weight. "We could be found by Death Eaters at any second."

"I thought you liked dangerous." I say lazily.

"Not if it can get you killed."

"I don't care." I state, unworried.

"I do."

"Well, I don't."

"Lily,"

"No, James, I really don't care. I'm tired of being scared. If I have to die now, here in your arms on the roof of the house I grew up in with the stars above us, then I'll die happy. I love you; I really, really love you, dammit. And as crazy as it is, I would risk dying every night for the rest of my life as long as I can keep having moments like this: moments that matter."

"Do you mean that?" He asks curiously. I feel him shift and stick his hands in his pocket.

"With all my heart."

"Then I guess there's just one thing left to say." He produces his hand, a small box clenched inside his fist. "Lily Evans, will you marry me?"

"What?"


	26. Epilogue

**Epilogue:**

James and I are walking across the car park, our hands clasped and swinging between us. We've just come from _Sweet Things_ bakery where we had a final consultation for our cake. In the mess of planning and organizing—my specialty—the one thing we decided not to take care of ourselves was dessert: four tiers of vanilla cake with chocolate ganache. The owner and head baker, Clyde Osgood, had difficulty understanding why we needed the cake so quickly and on such short notice. Who ordered a wedding cake less than 6 weeks in advance?

We picked June 25th, two months from the day James asked me to marry him. At first I had trouble really grasping why we were hurrying into this. I knew that with the war and everything, people were tying the knot left, right and centre. These are dangerous times and you never know when your time may come. But I still wasn't sure why we couldn't take our time with the planning.

Then Benjy went missing and soon later, only bits of his shredded body were found. Greta—well, there are things in this life that can't be mended. Seeing her, seeing _myself_ taking it so roughly, I realized that in this life you grab the one you love and you don't ever let them go. I never wondered why James and I set the date so early after that; I didn't think I had the right to.

We're parked on the opposite end of the lot because James was too afraid, though he'll never admit it, to park close to any other vehicles. It's the first time he's been able to convince Sirius of letting him borrow his flying motorbike and he doesn't want to do anything to mess it up.

I can see the shiny, black, death trap ahead of us when two young people on the sidewalk beside us catches my attention. A boy and a girl of about seventeen are walking at an amicable distance, him sneaking glances and her pretending not to notice.

"Oi, Lana!" A boy calls from behind them. He's jogging to catch up and looking slightly out of breath.

The two pause.

"Hey Henry, what's up?" The girl, Lana, asks, flipping her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Henry," The boy nods.

"Jess," Henry nods back. He turns to Lana. "So listen, do you wanna go with me to Will's gig this weekend?"

I see Lana bite her lip. "This weekend?" She slides her gaze to Jess whose face is impossible to read.

"Yeah, a bunch of us are going. It'll be fun…" He says. He's trying so hard to convince her.

Jess shifts and looks down the street.

"Sure," Lana answers finally. "I'll see you there. What time?"

I watch the look of longing pass over Jess' face. It's as if the same request is sitting at the tip of his tongue and now he has to swallow it down like artificial grape flavoured medicine. He looks so wounded and so angry, though I'm not sure whom with: Lana, Henry or himself?

All Lana and Jess have to do is stop lying, stop pretending, stop letting the need to be selfless for each other cloud of their desire of _being_ together. All they have to do is be honest and tell each other how they feel. I want to run to them and shake them and yell that every ounce of pain they're about to feel can be avoided if only Lana would say _no_ to Henry and Jess would find it in him to ask her one more time.

_Will you be my girlfriend, Lana?_

_Yes, Jess, I will._

And all those months of pain and confusion can be avoided. Can't they see that the person they're supposed to be with is right there beside them?

"Lils, are you okay?" James asks, snapping me back to reality. "What're you staring at?"

I blink away the frustration I feel for these three young people I know nothing about.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's nothing." I say with a smile.

James looks at me curiously but he doesn't press. We've reached the motorbike now. I climb onto the back and wrap my arms securely around James' middle. The engine roars to life and he steers the bike around. I'm just able to catch sight of Lana and Jess walking away from Henry who looks happy with himself before James starts speeding away.

Those kids aren't us, I realize. I am not Lana, James is not Jess and Hamish is not Henry. There is no Snape lurking behind a tree watching the execution of Phase One of his master plan. There is no false desire or plotting or evil schemes. There are just three kids, caught in a triangle with no way out.

Or is there a way out? Isn't there always a way out? Isn't that what this whole thing, this whole _war,_ is about: a way out? After all, James and I found a way out. We're getting married. We beat the odds and we're about to start our life together. And truth be told, I wouldn't change anything that we've been through just for the sake of having been together longer. What we went through—it helped us be who we are. We wouldn't be as strong as we are right now if it weren't for all the suffering we had to endure to get here.

Or maybe we would be, I don't know. I'll never know. What's done is done, what's past is past and _nothing_ will change the way I feel about James. I am in love with him, that's something I had to learn all on my own.

So we ride. We fly towards the cottage in Godric's Hollow that James bought the week after I accepted his proposal. I place my left hand on his shoulder, the diamond ring glittering in the afternoon sun, and raise my right arm high above my head. I feel the wind rush through my hair and the sound get stolen from my throat as I scream. James laughs, joining me in my exclamation as we plummet towards earth.

James has shown me the height of life.

And I'm no longer afraid of falling.

* * *

**A/N: **_It's been fun :)_

_-FallingForFootie_

_Playlist: Tomorrow._


	27. Playlist

**Chapter Playlist:**

1. Kiss Me Like You Mean It – Air Supply

2. Kiss Me – Ed Sheeran

3. Fearless – Taylor Swift

4. Just a Kiss – Lady Antebellum

5. The Mess I Made – Parachute

6. Last First Kiss – One Direction

7. Never Again – Danny Fernandes

8. Mistletoe – Justin Bieber

9. Faith to Fall Back On – Hunter Hayes

10. Mr. Brightside – The Killers

11. Kiss Me – Sixpense None the Richer

12. This Kiss – Faith Hill

13. Kiss Me Slowly – Parachute

14. They Don't Know About Us – One Direction

15. Sparks Fly – Taylor Swift (So, the lyric I used from this song is wrong and I realized I miss quoted it too late to be able to change it...sorry!)

16. Love Makes Me – Hunter Hayes

17. Catch Me – Demi Lovato

18. Kiss You Inside Out – Hedley

19. Set Fire to the Rain – Adele

20. Kiss Goodnight – Tyler Shaw

21. Summertime Sadness – Lana Del Rey

22. Golden Thread – Passenger

23. Kiss of Life – Bee Gees

24. Never Let You Go – Justin Bieber

* * *

**A/N: **_I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who's participated in any way with this story. Be it by reviewing or favouriting or subscribing or just reading, I love you all so much. Words just can't describe. I've gotten such sweet messages and such amazing encouragement from you all. I really hope you will be here for me in June when I post the sequel to **Catch A Falling Star**. If you haven't yet, please read that one and drop a review. I look forward to hearing from you! See you all soon. Ta._

_-FallingForFootie_

_Never Let It Fade Away : June, 25. _


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